


the breaking of your soul (upon my lips)

by becauselarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Discussion of Pregnancy & What Comes Along With That, Established Relationship, Fluff, Lots of Hurt Feelings, M/M, Making Up, Mpreg, Mpreg Louis, Relationship Issues, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Touring, Various Break-Ups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-04-14 05:19:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 138,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4552155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/becauselarry/pseuds/becauselarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one in which One Direction in 2015 still includes Zayn, and nothing has been right between Harry and Louis for a long time now. Louis is certain that the situation he finds himself in won't change anything at all - he doesn't want it to, if he is honest with himself, as he doesn't want this situation to be a situation in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)
> 
> So, welcome to my first Larry fanfic. I'm nervous, haha. This is also my first attempt at writing in English, which is not my mother language. Therefore, I hope there aren't too many annoying mistakes and if, I would be really glad if you told me. Anyway, I've had this idea in my mind for a while now and finally dared myself to write the first chapter. If anyone at all will read and maybe enjoy it, I will happily continue writing. 
> 
> Any warnings you will find in the tags, I hope. I may add more as the story goes on, as I haven't planned everything out yet. If I missed something crucial you are always welcome to tell me.
> 
> The title is from a poem by E. E. Cummings called "As Is The Sea Marvelous".
> 
> And that is all for now, I guess. 
> 
> Enjoy reading,  
> Julia x

Louis was tossing and turning in the hotel bed, shivering from the slight draught that came in through the open balcony door, even though he was covered under two blankets. He was exhausted, felt like he could sleep straight through the next four days, but he couldn’t bring a stop to the thoughts running around his head in a loop. His feet were icy cold and Harry wasn’t here — which was the worst. With a sigh of surrender he sat up and let the starched white sheets fall from his shoulders and into his lap. He ran his hands through his hair, still damp from his shower hours ago, and yanked on the strands harder than necessary. He should have just stayed in the tour bus, honestly. Smoked up with Zayn, played some FIFA, gone to bed in one of the bunks without the hope or expectation of someone joining him. 

It was just, he thought … he thought that maybe today Harry would stay. That today they could have taken some time to talk or even just sit quietly for a while on the balcony, watching the city lights slowly flickering into darkness as night fell. Maybe they could have cuddled up under the blankets afterwards and watched a stupid pay-per-view movie on the hotel flatscreen. 

He shouldn't think so much, obviously, because Harry left as soon as the night’s concert was over. He didn’t even take a shower at the venue, only tapped some quick massages on his phone and then waved goodbye to the boys as a whole. Not a kiss, not even a word for Louis to spare. The memory made tears prick in the corners of Louis’ eyes and, not for the first time, he wondered why they even pretended anymore. 

Except, there was the obvious reason: he loved Harry with all his heart, was so, so in love with him ever since he first met him. And though it was hard right now, has been hard for months on end, he could never bring himself to even entertain the possibility of ending this relationship. Yes, right now everything was pretty much shit. Everything always hurt and he was missing Harry constantly, although he saw him every day, played concerts right beside him every night. He was aware they've never been farther apart in heart and mind. And it sucked, it really sucked. 

With another sigh Louis climbed out of the lonely king sized bed and walked to the open balcony door. The air outside was much warmer than inside the room, but he still shivered, as he was dressed only in his boxers. He hugged his arms around himself and let his eyes wander over the lit up city before him. Knowing that somewhere out there, possibly in some expensive as shit club with pretentious as fuck company, was his boyfriend, drinking and dancing and laughing all thoughts of Louis away. 

Louis was fucking clinging onto nothing, was the thing. Harry was everything to him; the boy he loved, the boy he wanted to marry, the boy he wanted to grow old with. It just seemed like Harry didn’t want the same things — not anymore. And Louis wondered, as he did time and time again, how much longer he would be able to hold onto Harry before he slipped through his fingers once and for all. To be honest, he was just waiting for the day that Harry would finally talk more than two words to him again, just to tell him that he didn’t think their relationship had a future. And here Louis stood, pathetically waiting for his heart to be broken.

With his eyes lowered, he wished to be at home. Not home in London, in a big house that would only stay empty anyway, because Harry wouldn’t bother coming there. But home in Doncaster, with his mum. He just wanted to talk to her about all the shit that was going wrong right now and he found it impossible to do so over a Skype call, when he couldn't hope for more than worried glances and empty words of comfort, which would change nothing at all in the grand scheme of things.

Surrounded as he was day and night, he still has never felt more alone. 

\- - -

The shrill ringing of his phone woke him up the next morning. With his face still buried deeply in his pillow he blindly search for the device on his nightstand. Just as his hand closed around it, a grumbly voice next to him made his heart skip a beat. He hadn't even realised Harry had come back to the room last night, but considering Louis himself only fell asleep around three in the morning it must have been mighty late.

“Make it stop already,“ was what came out of Harry’s mouth.

Louis sat up straight, getting dizzy from the fast movement, and answered the phone hastily, not daring to glance over his shoulder to where Harry was lying, but still feeling the heat radiating from his long body.

“Hello?“ His voice was so hoarse he had to clear his throat and repeat himself.

“Yea, hey Lou,“ Liam’s voice responded cheerily from the other end of the line. Louis wished he were able to share Liam’s perpetual good mood. “Just wanted to remind you that the bus leaves in an hour; I guessed you probably didn’t set an alarm last night.“

Louis frowned. As a matter of fact, he forgot about their departure time completely while he spent half the night lying awake and worrying about his boyfriend. “Oh, yes, thanks mate,“ he responded therefore gratefully and was ready to end the call, knowing he needed to hurry up and pack his and Harrys stuff if they wanted to make it on time. But Liam speaking up again held him back.

“Also, management called and wanted me to tell you guys that the meet and greet today will start about an hour earlier, so around six, and rehearsals will be cut short.“

“Why?“ Louis groaned, already feeling stress settle into his muscles and bones. It just felt like too much; everything was too much constantly, nowadays, and Harry’s unmoving presence behind him made dealing with it harder.

“Apparently there are some more fans with meet and greet tickets than usual. It was a bigger contest with a wider range of prices or something. I’m not quite sure, I don’t keep up with those, to be honest. But come on, it won’t be bad,“ he added on, seemingly having noticed Louis’ reluctance. 

“I know, I know. It’s not because of the fans or whatever, I just —“ He sighed and willed himself to pull it together. “Don’t mind me, honestly. I’m still tired. I will let Harry know about the changes and we will be down in an hour, yes?“

After hearing Liam’s departing words, Louis pressed the red button on the touchscreen of his mobile and let it fall somewhere between the blankets and pillows covering the bed around him. He turned to look at Harry for the first time this morning. His curls were mussed up, his face creased from the pillows and his eyes void of emotion as he stared right back at Louis. 

Louis swallowed. “We’re supposed to be at the bus in an hour,“ he simply said, knowing that Harry wouldn't be up for more conversation anyway. While he left the bed and made his way to the bathroom he added: “Oh, and the meet and greet will start around six today.“ He didn’t wait for a reaction as he closed the door behind him, allowing himself to lean against it for a second or two. He couldn't remember when talking to Harry became something he feared. It’s just that knowing Harry wouldn't really grant him any more attention than strictly necessary hurt. It fucking hurt to feel like every word spent on him was a waste to Harry. 

It’s new, all of this. Their almost cold behaviour towards each other, the total disregard of pleasantries or even a kiss to start the morning. It certainly wasn't Louis who started this. Harry was the one to ignore Louis’ morning greetings and Harry was the one to lean away when Louis went in for morning kisses. The first time, Louis regarded it as a simple bad day, and even afterwards he found excuse after excuse until he simply couldn't anymore. Harry’s unwillingness to show him any more affection than the occasional quick fuck provided was just too blatant. 

Louis was so tired of all of this.

After calming himself down with a hand firmly pressed against his chest, he attended his usual morning routine and reentered the main room a mere ten minutes later, only to find Harry snoring again. He rolled his eyes and started packing their stuff, which was wildly scattered around the room even though they only spent a few nights here, into their two suitcases as noisily as possible. It didn’t take long for Harry to wake again from his little slumber and under other circumstanced Louis would have found his disgruntled face cute. Now, when it was clearly directed at him, he just turned away with a heavily beating heart and kept his eyes down. 

How did they end up here, like this, so torn apart? Louis really didn’t know, despite spending nights on end trying to figure it all out. But, what he knew was this: If they didn't attempt to fix this mess sometime soon, there would be nothing left to fix. The thought alone made him nauseous.

\- - - 

When they all met up an hour later, Louis walked straight inside and to the back of the bus, where they had a small common area with an installed TV and gaming systems. He fell down onto one of the dark leather couches and pressed his eyes together, balling his fists tightly. He felt like screaming. Harry hadn't so much as spoken five words to him back in their hotel room, simply grabbed their suitcases as soon as Louis had finished packing them and left. Louis sat staring after him with shaking hands, and it took him a bit before he managed to gather himself up and follow his boyfriend out of the room. 

A gentle touch on his shoulder startled him and, for a wonderfully ludicrous moment, he thought it might be Harry - asking him if he wanted a cuppa as well, or cuddling up to him. He inwardly shook his head at himself as he looked up and saw Zayn standing above him, a concerned look on his handsome face.

Zayn was the only one Louis had talked to about this Harry situation. Not that it helped anything, as Zayn couldn't give him any advice, understanding Harry’s apparent problem just as much as Louis, meaning: not at all. Harry acted normal towards the rest of the boys, was friendly and chummy as ever with the crew and pleasant to all interviewers or TV hosts. A sweetheart with the fans, of course. It seemed the only problem he had lay within Louis and Louis couldn't for the life of him think of what he could have done that made Harry seemingly despise him so much. 

“Okay?“ Zayn asked lowly and Louis’ shoulders slumped in answer. 

After throwing a cautious glance around and realising they were alone he mumbled: “He doesn't even notice me anymore, Zayn. He doesn’t talk to me, doesn't even look at me. I don't know how much longer I can take this, before I’m just going to go mental. I wish I knew how he came to be like this. I just — I love him so much, still. Like, what changed for him?“ He couldn't help getting chocked up and Zayn was quick to sit down next to him and pull him against his chest.

“Oh Lou,“ he sighed, helplessly.

“If he would only just end it to spare me a bit of sanity. But he doesn’t. Why, Zayn? If he can’t stand to even be in the same room with me while we are both awake why doesn't he just break up with me?“

“You don't even want this, Lou.“ Zayn said simply.

Louis took a shaky breath. „Of course I don't want it. That’s why I wouldn't ever break up with him. But he is so cold and distant all the time and I don't understand why he would want this for himself. He must be miserable with me, really. So, why does he stay? Out of pity? Because he thinks I wouldn't be able to take it if he left me?“ His gut turned in an unpleasant way as he spoke those words, realising that maybe they were in fact true. “If that is the case then that is even worse, Zayn. Do you think he stays out of pity? Oh my god, I’m so pathetic.“ He buried himself deeper into Zayn’s side, not willing to acknowledge anything anymore.

Zayn remained silent and Louis’ knew it was because he didn’t know how to respond. He just stroked Louis’ back and hummed softly, while Louis fought every breath he took, keeping him agonisingly alive.

\- - - 

The obvious way to solve problems in a relationship like Louis and Harry had one was, of course, to talk about them. But Louis was a coward, at least in this regard. He was a hundred percent sure that, if he attempted to speak to Harry about this challenging situation they found themselves in, all it would end up in was one thing: A break-up. And that was still something Louis couldn't even contemplate.

Not that they had much of a relationship left, frankly. Apart from the sex, which was few and far between and lacking every little bit of the love, care and desire they used to share with each other, there wasn't much happening between the two of them. Just the satisfaction of basic instincts.

If Louis were even just a little bit stronger he would have ended this shipwreck of a relationship months ago. 

As it is, he clung to even the tiniest shimmer of hope that Harry, his old Harry, the one who had loved him just as desperately as Louis still loves him now, would return someday from wherever he got lost. 

\- - - 

They drove directly to the concert venue as soon as they entered the next city their tour would cover. Normally, they would be given some hours off in their hotel room to at least get some time to wind down between two concert nights. As the backstage meetings with the fans were supposed to start in a little less than three hours, though, and they had to at least do some kind of soundcheck before they went onto that stage, there was no time for a stop at their hotel. 

Louis felt like death on two legs. He couldn't express how thankful he was that they were doing their last weeks of the US tour. Returning to England sounded like the sweetest dream to him. He couldn't wait to see his mum and sisters, confident they would be able to bring a real smile onto his face in a matter of seconds. 

With a deep breath Louis jumped out the bus and followed the rest of the boys into the venue through the hidden back-entrance. Nobody was around, but their bodyguards surrounded them anyway, ready to tackle any advancing danger. 

Zayn grabbed Louis’ hand to drag him along, as he was lagging behind. He was still so exhausted, despite catching up on missed sleep in the bus. It was like this stressful situation with Harry literally drained all the life out of him. This wasn't healthy anymore. 

They were given some time to freshen up in the dressing rooms and Louis kept his head low as he wordlessly followed Zayn. Harry and him have shared a dressing room for as long as he can remember, but honestly, Louis couldn't even imagine spending more time in silence, all the while trying not to crack because of Harry’s rejecting demeanour towards him. He would rather ask Caroline to take the outfits she chose for him for the night to Zayn’s room. 

“Oh god,“ he whined as soon as the door closed behind them. Harry hadn't even turned around when Louis hadn't followed him into their room and instead kicked the door shut behind him with a bang. He didn't care. He just didn’t. 

“Chin up, Lou! I know it is hard. To be honest, I would love to give Harry a piece of my mind. But, you know as well as I do that you can’t expect anything as long as you do not at least try to talk to him.“ 

“I can’t“ Louis replied instantly. „Zayn, I can’t, seriously.“ He wasn't even able to find the right words in front of Zayn. How would he ever stand up to Harry and demand they talk? 

Zayn threw him a pitying look and searched for his cigarettes in his backpack, which he had thrown carelessly onto the next available surface. Louis wordlessly held his hand open. He dropped down onto the worn couch next to Zayn and, for the first time, took in their surroundings. It was by far not the most luxurious or classy dressing room that was ever assigned to them, but it was more than alright. Used often and regularly by many people, so much was obvious, but Louis had to admit he liked it. It felt pleasant, sitting here for the moment, smoking a cigarette and leaning onto Zayn’s bony shoulder. 

They were, of course, not granted much time. It felt like he only blinked and already he was standing on stage, sound checking. This was by far the most annoying thing about this whole career of being a professional singer and what not. He couldn't for the life of him remember what was said or done during the two hours they spent on stage. He sang when his cues arrived and quietly stared around the empty stadium when he was done. Niall came up to him twice to ask if he was feeling okay, but Louis wasn't able to do more than force a smile and nod. 

Back in Zayn’s dressing room he changed into his first stage outfit. Caroline had brought him black skinny jeans and a greyish shirt which said ‘not heartbroken’ in small, blue letters right over his left breast. Louis’ eyes nearly bulged as he saw it. Then he chucked the shirt straight across the room in hopes of not having to ever see it again. Zayn frowned heavily, but said nothing. The bundle of cloth remained on the floor and neither boy looked at it again. Instead, Zayn handed Louis the shirt which was supposed to belong to Zayn’s second outfit. Louis shot him a grateful smile and pulled the dark red scoop neck over his head. 

After, he desperately tried to put a smile onto his lips. This had got to be his worst day in a long time. Although things with Harry hadn't been great for months, most often he still was able to enjoy the time with the boys, enjoy the fans, enjoy the singing. Today, everything seemed terrible. He felt the nausea from this morning return, but a lady with a clipboard in hand poked her head through the open doorway and collected them to the first round of meet and greets before he was able to fight it back or take a pill for it.

So, feeling queasy as fuck, he walked to the backstage area and waved to the small group of fans that was gathered there and not currently preoccupied with one of the other boys. Liam and Niall were right in the middle of the room already, writing their signatures on CD covers, shirts and phone cases with happy smiles, while Harry was taking a picture with a little blond girl who couldn't be older than ten years. Louis wasn't able to contain the fond smile that fleetingly moved his lips, but it was gone as soon as Harry’s eyes met Louis’ in an offish stare. The split of a second later, without showing a hint of recognition, Harry turned to the next girl waiting in line, with her iPhone ready and prepared for a selfie.

Louis literally felt his stomach turn and he let out a strangled retching sound before his brain was even able to catch up with what’s happening. He reflexively pressed his left hand over his mouth and, ignoring the fans that were coming up to him with overjoyed expressions, bolted out of the room. 

The nearest bathroom was a few doors down the corridor and Louis rushed through the door and fell in front of the toilet in the first stall he reached. He retched again and again and bitter bile made its way out of Louis’ mouth, as he hadn't eaten much in the last 24 hours. He felt sweat accumulate on his forehead and soak the back of his shirt. Tears made their way down his cheeks, provoked by the pungent smell hitting his nose and the disgusting taste left in his mouth. 

Helpless to stop his chocking he stayed put above the toilet bowl, when suddenly there was a big hand touching his back and his heart skipped a beat or three. Of all the moments, Harry naturally had to choose this to act like a caring boyfriend. His deep voice mumbled sympathetic words into Louis’ ear as he continued stroking his back. 

Louis wanted to bash his head into the cold porcelain bowl of the toilet to just make everything stop. Weak as he was, he let himself lean back into Harry’s caresses. He was so desperate for his affection.

When he was finally able to lift his head he realised he was shaking all over. Harry pulled him to his feet as if he was weighing nothing at all and turned him around gently. His eyes settled onto Louis’ surely pale face as he asked: “All better? Do you need anything?“

Louis wanted to scream that nothing, nothing at all, was better. That he needed him, Harry, more than anything else in the world, but that Harry didn't seem to need him any longer and that he was at his wits end, that he was losing his goddamn mind because he felt like the air was punched out of his lungs every time Harry turned his back on him without acknowledging him. 

Instead, he just meekly shook his head and pushed past Harry with his head down, still feeling his back burn where Harry’s hands had lain.

\- - - 

After he had jogged back to the dressing room to quickly brush his teeth and use some deodorant, he returned with an apologetic smile to the backstage area. He made sure to give every fan an extra big hug, because they had to wait for him for so long. None of them, thankfully, asked about what had happened and only one girl seemed to be aware of his overall poor state, as she told him to get well soon with a sincere smile. He tried to smile back at her with reassurance, certain that he hadn’t succeeded. 

The boys, of course, bombarded him with questions as soon as the last fan was out the door. Harry stayed behind Zayn, Niall and Liam, and it would probably seem as if he couldn't give two shits, but that he was biting at his left thumbnail incessantly let Louis know he did. Even if only a little bit, he did still care about Louis’ well-being.

“Guys, calm down. Everything is good. I felt a little nauseous all day, but now that everything’s out I’m fine. Maybe I ate something bad last night, who knows?“ Louis, of course, knew that this wasn't the case, because he didn't even eat anything last night. Harry’s hasty departure from their last venue stole all of his appetite straight away. He bet that it was all down to the stress he felt all day, so there was no need to waste more time thinking about it. 

“Are you sure?“ Niall asked with furrowed brows, his blond hair ruffled from his restless hands. 

Louis smiled widely at him and it didn't even take effort. Niall was lovely and it warmed Louis heart that he, along with the other boys, was so concerned for him. Unnecessary as it may be.

“Yes! No worries, Ni.“

They dropped the topic and, after Louis assured them fifty times that he was more than fit to attend the concert, all trotted away to do whatever they planned on doing in their limited free time. For Louis that meant a fresh brew and a nap on Zayn’s dressing room couch.

\- - - 

The concert went of without a hitch, as Louis knew it would. It had been a great show, too — the fans were extremely loud and obviously happy and he was able to catch sight of quite a few Larry Stylinson signs. Even though he couldn't show it, he was secretly delighted at the support. The only thing hurting Louis was that the fans seemed to believe more in their love than Harry did nowadays.

Harry, who was once again stoically ignoring Louis. How great! Louis felt like he was going to break out into hysterical laughter any minute. Just a few hours prior Harry was murmuring sweet nothings into Louis’ ear while he was retching over a toilet bowl and now — it was like that never even happened. Harry didn't spare him a glance as he exited the venue in his own car, driving of into the blinking city lights. 

Louis was, once again, left staring after him. 

\- - - 

It was exactly a week later that Louis awoke with a start in his bunk bed in the tour bus, sweating and shaking and feeling so dizzy he feared he was going to pass out. He had to strain to sit up in his bed and clamped his hand around the post stabilising the beds to have some kind of hold. His body wouldn't stop trembling, though, and the sudden rush of nausea didn't help his situation at all. He felt sweat building up on his forehead. What the hell was going on?

“Zayn,“ he croaked out, his voice meek.

He sagged back into the bed, not able to hold himself upright any longer, and realisation dawned on him. He must be coming down with something. The thought made Louis’ skin crawl. If he hated one thing, it was being sick. The feeling of not being able to fend for himself. And now that he couldn't even count on Harry being there and caring for him, the prospect of spending days alone in bed sounded like pure torture. 

Before he could drown in his miserable thoughts, Zayn’s dimly lit silhouette appeared before his bed. His hair was matted to his head from turning so much in his sleep and Louis guessed there was a furrow between his eyebrows.

“Lou? What’s wrong?“ he asked tiredly and settled down on the bed next to Louis.

Louis took a deep breath before attempting an answer, still feeling so incredible weak. “Don’t know,“ he gets out. “Feel really bad, Z. ‘m so hot and dizzy.“

Zayn immediately put a hand to Louis face, feeling for his temperature. “You’re really hot, Lou,“ he stated, uneasily. “I’m going to get you a glass of water and a cold flannel, okay? Maybe a pill, if I can find one. If nothing helps I’m getting Paul to make an appointment with a doctor as soon as possible. You could be coming down with something serious.“

Louis shuddered, and this time not only because he lost the control over his shaking body. He really didn't want to be ill. There was no time for it, too, seeing that they had to finish the US leg of their tour. That left hoping that some water and a flannel would make the sickening feeling that had befallen him disappear. He sighed listlessly and let his eyes fall shut while he listened to Zayn rummaging around in the front of the bus.

\- - - 

When he blinked awake again he thought it must have been the steady motions of the driving tour bus that had him lulled into such a deep sleep. He lifted his head to look for Zayn or the glass of water he was promised, but soon realised he wasn't even in the bus anymore. 

It took a moment for his eyes to make sense of his surroundings. He was in a room with walls painted in sunny yellow tones. There was a big window opposite of his bed, in front of which the curtains have been drawn. Nothing in here was familiar to him, least of all the steady dripping of the IV that was plugged into his left forearm.

What the …

A door to his right opened with a slight squeak and Louis’ attention was instantly drawn to it. Into the room walked a brunette woman in a white coat. She had a friendly smile on her lips and a collection of papers in her hand.

“Hello, Louis. It’s good to see you awake,“ she said when she came to stand next to his bed, which he now realised seemed to be located in some kind of hospital or private clinic.

“What happened? Who are you?“ Louis asked immediately. His voice sounded rough, as it had all too often lately.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, forgot my manners!“ She exclaimed, eyes charmingly bright. “My name is Annabelle Dearing and I’m a doctor here at the Carter-Hill-Clinic. Can you tell me what the last thing you remember is, Louis?“

Louis stared at the woman before him for a bit, trying to assess her. She appeared to be friendly enough and although he was really confused about how he came to be here, he relaxed a slightly.

“I was in the tour bus with Zayn, feeling really unwell. I was shaking and dizzy. Zayn wanted to get me water and a pill and while I waited for him to return I guess I fell asleep again and then I — I woke up here. What happened to me?“ He felt puzzled frown form on his face as he asked again.

Dr. Dearing took some notes on a clipboard she had taken from the table by the window, before she reached for the patient files that were clipped to the bottom of Louis’ bed. Louis was sure they contained his entire medical record and presumably all the information on why he was brought here, too. When she looked up after she finished scanning over a specific page she began to speak again.

“It’s good that you remember all this, as you should,“ she stated firstly. “You were brought here about four hours ago — you suffered from a syncope, which means you fainted. The syncope was caused by very low blood pressure and also mild dehydration, for which we have attached the IV. Your friends and crew members told me that you woke up a few times while they arranged for you to be brought here, only for you to fall right back into unconsciousness, but I’m certain that you have no recollection of any of this. That’s nothing to worry about, anyway. I’m glad you are awake now. Please tell me, how are you doing?“

Louis took in the news in stride. He had kind of expected that something like this had happened — he had felt so awful back in his bunk bed that his body probably couldn't do anything but shut down completely. His mum was a nurse and therefore he knew that a syncope was not necessarily something he had to worry about. Obviously, the question remained why he suddenly had low blood pressure, as he hadn't any problems like this before, but he was sure Dr. Dearing would tell him about it soon enough.

“I’m doing fine,“ he answered her. “The dizziness is gone, I’m not uncontrollably shaking anymore and I don't have the urge to puke up everything I ate in the last few days, so.“ 

He tried for a small smile and Dr. Dearing grinned back at him. “That is great news, Louis. If anything should change, please let me or a nurse know instantly.“ After he nodded in promise, she proceeded. “I’m sure you must be wondering what happened, as your medical file tells me you are not prone to low blood pressure. We ran a few tests, took some blood and urine samples, the usual. Even though we don't have every result back yet I have a pretty good idea what might be up with you. And no need to worry, if it is what I suspect it’s nothing bad at all.“

Louis nodded again, following her words and waiting for her to get to the point.

“I’m going to ask you a few questions first, to make sure I’m not totally on the wrong track here, alright?“

“Yeah, go on,“ Louis agreed, while he pulled the blanket up to his neck, feeling a bit chilly. He wanted to ask for Harry, wanted to know if his boyfriend was here, concerned for his well-being, or if he was out and about in the city, not even knowing about the state Louis was in. He wanted Zayn, Liam, Niall — just a familiar face, maybe a strong hand to hold. He wasn't afraid of Dr. Dearing or the result of the tests, just a little uncomfortable alone in this strange clinic. 

As if she were able to read his mind, Dr. Dearing stopped herself from asking the first question and instead said: “Your bandmates are waiting right outside the door for you and they can come in as soon as we are done here, I promise. We’ll make it fast.“

“Thank you,“ Louis replied, grateful and calm again, and then tried to pay attention to the questions she asked. She wanted to know about the medical history of his family, about hereditary illnesses and certain medications he might be taking.

“I don’t take anything regularly,“ he said, before he haltingly added “Well, except, does birth control count? I’ve taken those pills since I found out that I’m able to get pregnant when I was, like 15, I guess.“

“Okay, yes this counts. So, you have been aware that you can get pregnant for quite some time?“ Dr. Dearing made sure.

Louis scowled, reluctant of the direction the conversation had taken. He despised talking about this stuff. He had never really given it much thought, as he wasn't willing to ever get pregnant anyway, and he had never spoken to anyone about it, except for his mum.

He knew many men would give anything to be in his position. Only about 20% of the male population were in possession of the gene which caused for a functioning uterus to develop next to the typical male sexual characteristics. Lots of homosexual men would love to be able to bring their own babies into this world, instead of waiting for years on end to get one out of difficult adoption processes or surrogates. But it was never for Louis. He would gladly hand this gene over to anyone willing to have it. This wasn't supposed to mean he didn't want to have children — of course he wanted to, more than anything, that was out of the question, but — he just didn't want it this way. 

His mum couldn't understand his attitude towards the matter and Louis was sure many other people wouldn't either. Especially Harry, who was so obsessed with babies — if Louis would have ever told him that he was able to get pregnant and then announced in the same sentence that he didn't ever plan to be — he didn't think Harry would ever forgive him for that. 

Not that anything really could make the situation they were now in any worse, but …

“Yes,“ he simply said, a little delayed after rousing from the thoughts which were drifting to Harry again. He hoped that was it.

“Do you have regular sexual intercourse with other males? I would guess you do, since otherwise taking birth control wouldn't be a required otherwise.“ Noticing his hesitancy she added, “You can tell me and I promise I will treat this information with the utmost confidentiality. Carter-Hill Clinic is renowned for its discretion in working with people who are in the eye of the public.“

Louis bit his lip before he nodded his head slowly. 

He really hoped Dr. Dearing would keep this promise, otherwise all the efforts management took in the last five years to push him and Harry as far as possible into the closet would have been in vain. Louis wouldn't care all that much, honestly, if it weren't for the fact that he didn't want to be outed to the world through some tabloid story sold by a doctor or nurse desperate for quick money. When he would finally get his chance to be honest about his sexuality, he wanted to do it his own way — and preferably with Harry right beside him, holding his hand through it all; the good and the bad.

“Have you had any sexual intercourse in the last three months? Maybe without any further contraception, apart from the birth control pills?“ Dr. Dearing continued her questioning, not seeming bothered by the intimacy of this talk. Louis felt a flush rise in his cheeks. This really got very private very fast. He had never had a doctor question him on his sexual behaviour.

“I think so, yes. The last time maybe, like, a month ago?“ Louis lowered his eyes, embarrassed. “And without a condom. Ha—, my boyfriend and I, we mostly forgo them. We are both clean and get tested regularly, so we don't really see the need for them.“ He had to stop himself from blurting out Harry’s name, because if any of this should still somehow make it’s way to the media, there was no need to drag Harry into it, too.

Dr. Dearing nodded slowly and jotted down some more notes on her clipboard, before pressing it to her chest. She had another bright smile on her lips when she looked into Louis’ eyes. “Well, Louis, that’s all the questions for now. From all the information I’ve gathered I think my original suspicion was quite right. It appears that you are pregnant.“

A moment of stifling silence fell over the room as soon as the words were out.

Louis’ brain wasn't processing fast enough. Pregnant — did she really say pregnant? He felt as if he got punched in the stomach, twice. He threw a helpless glance at Dr. Dearing, his heart beating a mile a minute, and then let his head fall forward into his open palms. This was not possible. He took care, god damn it. He always took care! He never once forgot to take a pill in the last eight years — this was just not fair.

“How? I don't understand. I took those bloody birth control pills every single day!“ He announced his thoughts, mumbling into his hands. His voice was shaking and he wasn’t sure whether it was from anger or desperation. 

Dr. Dearing, realising that this news might have not been what Louis expected or wanted to hear, slowly let the smile slip from her lips. She looked concerned as she walked closer to Louis and took one of his wrists, measuring his pulse.

“Okay, Louis, first I need you to calm down, please. Take some deep breaths and lean back.“

Louis did as he was told. He wasn't able to form a clear thought or wish or opinion on anything anyway. Might as well listen to the doctor. If he knew one thing it was that fainting again wouldn't help at all.

“The thing with those pills is,“ began Dr. Dearing when Louis finally was able to breath easy again. “that they work pretty great for a long time, years and years. But, while a woman can take one kind of birth control pill for her whole entire life if she so desires, many men experience that they stop having the desired effect after a few years — meaning they don't prevent pregnancy any longer. That’s why men are encouraged to go for check-ups far more regularly and also switch their brand of pill after a maximum of seven years. Has your OB/GYN never told you about this?“

Louis simply shook his head. It was not like he regularly went to an OB/GYN. When his GP found out about the gene, all Louis wanted was a birth control pill and be done with all of this. So his mum took him to an OB/GYN who asked him some questions to figure out which brand would be the best fit for him and after, Louis just went to whatever pharmacy to get it when he ran low. He never went back to the OB/GYN, seeing no need for it, and he never talked about it with his GP, as this wasn't of any importance.

Frankly, Louis had to thank himself for this. If he hadn't so entirely ignored this essential part of himself, he would have known about the decreasing effects of the birth control pill and he could have prevented all this.

“Is this why I fainted, then?“ he asked, not knowing what else to say as silence settled once again. “And why I’ve been feeling nauseous as well? Because — because there is —“ He helplessly gestured to his stomach, not knowing how to form a sentence that contained the words baby or pregnant. 

Dr. Dearing nodded slowly, still holding onto the wrist she took Louis’ pulse from before. 

“How do you feel about this, Louis?“ She asked gingerly. 

Louis didn't know. Except — maybe he did. “I don't — I can’t — How do you — make it go away?“ he stuttered out, the words muddling together in his mouth as his breathing picked up again. It was awful to even think about it, about ending it all right away, but thinking about anything else seemed even worse. 

This just couldn't be happening.

Dr. Dearing pressed a button on the handrail of Louis’ bed, before she spoke up again. “Louis, I can’t and I won’t do anything at all today. You are obviously distraught and in no position to make such an important decision this very moment. You should rest a little and talk it over with your boyfriend later, as I’m sure he has lots of things to say about this as well. And then, after I have given you some informational leaflets, you can make an informed decision together. Alright?“

Louis blinked at her absently. She had long lost him after the word boyfriend left her lips. He had to tell Harry. The thought made his heart stop in his chest. Harry wouldn't ever, ever let him get away with this. He wouldn't ever agree to — end it. But, what else was there to hold onto? Their relationship was as good as non-existent. They hadn't talked in months, not properly anyway. What kind of future had they with each other? And what kind of future would they provide for this — baby in Louis’ belly? Why were they even kidding themselves anymore? Why didn't they just let go and maybe gave their friendship a second chance — save what they could save? 

Funny how all it took was an unplanned pregnancy for Louis to finally see clearly. To finally face the reality of it all … It didn't stop the burning in his eyes, in his heart and all over his skin, though — the certainty that he and Harry weren't meant to be, after all. That there was nothing left except for Louis’ inexhaustible love and Harry’s reluctance to let got. 

Louis felt his world crash and burn around him in the most violent way and all he could do was curl into himself to bury his face in his pillow, trying hard not to let tears escape. The door opened again, although Louis’ wasn't really aware of it, too far gone inside his own head. He noticed, however, that the nurse who had walked in put a new IV bag up.

After that, everything slowly became blurry and dark and utterly calm. 

\- - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so here is my [tumblr](http://obviouslybecauselarry.tumblr.com), if anyone is interested! :)


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! :)
> 
> First of all, I really want to thank all of you for your comments and kudos! Those really mean loads to me and they also encouraged me to get this chapter out this quickly. Sadly, it will take a while longer from now on, since I have to do an internship for uni starting on Monday, which will consume most of my free time. 
> 
> I also wanted to add that, obviously, everything medical related in this story is made up, as men can, first and foremost, not get pregnant. I still tried, and will continue trying, to write this whole pregnancy thing as realistically as possible (I hope!) 
> 
> Again, if there are major errors in this chapter please, please tell me!
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy!  
> Julia x

When Louis woke up he was alone in the room. Everything was silent and the IV had been removed from his arm. He sat up slowly, kind of afraid that now the medication was gone the nausea and dizziness would start up again, which was stupid, of course — he felt absolutely fine.

Since he was able to move about freely without the IV stand, he went into the adjoining bathroom to use the toilet and splash some cold water onto his face. Looking into the mirror he felt weird — it seemed strange to think that the body he saw did not only belong to himself anymore. There was a baby inside him, a baby which was dependant on his well-being, his care and love and attention. The thought was unbelievable, nearly overwhelmed him for a second. His fingers searched for support on the sink.

He needed to get it together and make a plan, for god’s sake. Only, this was easier said than done. 

Thing is, maybe he shouldn't be quite so caught of guard by this. After all, it wasn't like he didn't know this could happen someday. He just never ever expected it to, honestly. He didn't have some kind of emergency plan ready for a scenario like this, since he chose to ignore the part of himself responsible for it rather vehemently for the last eight years. If only he hadn’t … in retrospective, it had been bloody stupid of him.

He went straight for the window to open up the curtains when he reentered the main room shortly afterwards. Seeing that he had no idea what time it was, the dark sky at least gave him some idea. He had apparently slept through the whole day and was now more than awake and bubbling with stored up energy. It was not like he could do anything in here, though, apart from watching some mindless TV and despair in silence.

As he was staring out the window his thoughts slowly wandered to the boys, who, according to Dr. Dearing, had been waiting outside for him earlier. Were they still there, anticipating to see him up and well? Or did they leave for the hotel again, considering that he fell asleep after the talk with the doctor? He was almost ready to take a look into the corridor, but then again — he didn't think he wanted to face Harry now, should he still be there. If he had even been there in the first place, that is. Louis wasn't ready to take that risk. 

So, instead of walking into the corridor, Louis went back to bed. With the blanket pulled up to his chin and his toes wriggling restlessly he directed his stare at the ceiling. Everything inside him was in an uproar, but he simultaneously felt eerily calm. Everything was odd right now.

So …

There was a baby.

And if he didn't make a decision about this baby, whether this decision included Harry or not, it would sooner or later be born into this world. And it would be his baby, meaning he would have to take care of it. For the rest of his life, there would be a human being that shared his DNA and depended on him for — a long, long time.

The fact itself didn't scare Louis, at least not as much as he first anticipated it might. He always wanted to have children — he himself grew up with a large family and after the end of One Direction, whenever that might be, he always planned on having lots of children of his own. He knew he would make an at least okay dad — he had lots of practice with his littlest siblings, with the children of friends and crew members. He had the basics down; he knew how to hold a small child the right way, could change a nappy and feed a bottle. 

However, looking after a baby for a few hours was still something entirely different to having to raise his own. 

Then, there were the plain obvious issues with Harry. The stress and heartache of being around him nowadays were hard to handle already, but just considering bringing a baby into this mess made Louis shudder. This wasn't how a family should start out. This just wasn't right.

And that was not even the only problem that worried him greatly. Thing is, Louis didn't want to carry a baby, egoistical as that may sound. He didn't want to be pregnant; he didn't want to pay extra attention to what he was supposed to be eating and drinking and doing, didn't want paparazzi chasing after him to get the best selling pictures of his fat belly, didn't want all the discomforts that would come along with his changing body, didn't want to be in labour. He didn't want any of it. He couldn't specify why, exactly, but he just knew that this wasn't something he could deal with.

So, contemplating the starting position in its entirety, the outlook wasn't that great.

It was really shitty, to be honest.

\- - - 

A nurse bustling around the room and setting a breakfast tray down on his night table roused him from his slumber in the morning. He wasn't sure when exactly his eyes fell shut again, but it must have happened while he was poring over his thoughts. He was quite surprised at himself for being able to sleep again at all. He was a naturally energetic person, always out and about being mischievous and annoying people with his unrestrained bouncing around. 

Must be the baby messing with his hormonal system already, he thought to himself rather neutrally. It was — whatever. 

“Good morning, dear!“ The nurse greeted him with a warm smile when she realised he was watching her with still-tired eyes. “How are you doing?“ She came over and gently grabbed for his wrist to get his pulse, then fleetingly felt his cheeks for any heightened temperature. Louis took it as a good sign when she hummed satisfied.

“Pretty good, actually“ he answered, while sitting up straighter in bed so she could fluff up his pillows.

“Well, that’s nice to hear. I hope you are hungry, I brought you some breakfast. If you eat up I’m pretty sure Dr. Dearing will even discharge you today. She will probably be by in an hour or so, she is doing the rounds right now.“

Louis nodded in thanks at the information and pulled the tray closer to himself. He grabbed for the yoghurt and spoon, feeling a sudden hunger overcome him. He couldn't remember when he last ate, but his body was letting him know that it had been a while, as it was letting out a weak growl at the sight of the food. 

The nurse chuckled heartily. “I’ll leave you to it, then. Just press the button if you need anything,“ she explained, before leaving.

Louis was halfway through his slice of honey-bread when the door opened again. He turned his gaze from the TV, which he had turned on to have some kind of entertainment, expecting another nurse or maybe Dr. Dearing already. Instead, he came face to face with a worn-down Liam.

“Oh, Louis!“ That was all he heard, before his senses were impaired by Liam being all over him. He felt strong arms squeezing his body tightly and smelled Liam’s familiar aftershave as it invaded his nose. Louis was effectively immobilised by his friend and it took some time for Liam to let got of him. 

“I’m so glad you are okay. We’ve been so worried, Lou. The doctor wasn't able to tell us anything without your consent, just that you were out like a light, but alright for the moment. We stayed here all night waiting and then I saw the nurse come out of your room just now and thought: fuck it, I’m going in there.“ Liam was talking agitated and fast, nearly tripping over his own words and Louis had to press a hand against his chest to get him to stop. 

“Alright, Li. Just sit down for a moment and relax,“ he said, feeling moved by Liam’s kind words. When the other boy did settle on the bed, Louis took in his appearance. The bags under his eyes and his ashen skin told of the sleepless night Liam had had, and suddenly Louis was ashamed of not going outside when he woke up before. His friends suffered the whole night being stuck in this stupid clinic because of Louis and he hadn't even had the decency to let them now he was okay. 

He was all the more quick to reassure Liam now. “I’m fine, Li. Dr. Dearing told me that my blood pressure was a little low and I was slightly dehydrated, which caused me to faint. I’m all better now, though, I promise. The nurse guessed that they might even release me today.“

“And that’s all?“ Liam asked, without being able to hide the doubt in his voice. “She was in here for a long time talking with you for it to be only some blood pressure problems.“

Louis sighed internally. It had always been difficult to hide things from Liam — frankly, the boy could be attentive as fuck if he wanted to be. Louis was nowhere near ready to tell him about his situation, though. “Well, we obviously discussed some possible reasons for the low blood pressure and she lectured me on drinking more throughout the day, especially when it’s that hot outside,“ Louis lied through his teeth. He complemented it with a small smile, hoping it would placate Liam.

“And this hasn't anything to do with you throwing up last week? You didn't look very well back then. Did they check if there was a relation to that?“ Liam was still digging deeper. Damn, this boy really was perceptive. 

“I don't think there is any connection to that, no. Li, come on, quit this worrying. I did get an IV yesterday to get my fluids sorted out and I feel pretty much perfect now.“ Well, that was a little far from the truth — there was a fucking whirlwind of emotion right inside his chest — but at least physically he really felt good to go.

Liam slowly seemed to become content with that. “Okay, I’m happy. Just don't want something like this happening again.“ He ruffled up his hair in a nervous gesture. “So, should I get the other boys in here or what? They are pretty desperate to see you — especially Harry; he was quite unsettled during the whole night. He went to the loo just as the nurse left your room, otherwise I’m sure he would have been the first one to run in here knowing that you were finally awake.“

Louis didn't know what to feel when Liam mentioned Harry’s emotional state. It just didn't match up with the behaviour he showed for the last few months. It actually wasn't enough for Harry to only be around when Louis was in a bad enough condition that he needed to throw up over toilette bowls or when he landed himself in hospital. Which, this whole train of thought was strange, considering two days ago the idea of Harry being torn up about his well-being would have made his day. Seemed like the pregnancy really set things in a new perspective for him.

This is why he hesitated barley noticeably at the idea of seeing the other boys, as that would include facing Harry. He didn't want to deal with him right now. He couldn’t. But, there wasn't really anything he could do to prevent this. He had no good excuse. Just as he was about to nod his head in surrender, the door knob turned.

Into the room walked, to Louis genuine relieve, Dr. Dearing. She was closely followed by a male nurse who was hauling a tricky looking apparatus behind him. Louis was pretty certain it was used for ultrasound scans and his eyes widened slightly.

Liam stood up immediately, clearing the space in front of Louis’ bed. He greeted the newcomers politely and made some quick small-talk with Dr. Dearing, before he waved to Louis and left the room. He obviously sensed that Louis was meant to undergo another examination and, thankfully, granted him some privacy for that. Louis figured that Liam couldn't have known what the device the male nurse brought in was used for, otherwise he would have asked questions and lots of them — Louis was more than sure of that.

“It’s good to see you so lively this morning, Louis,“ Dr. Dearing said to him as soon as they were alone in the room, the male nurse having left shortly after Liam. 

“Yeah, I’m feeling great. Does that mean I can go home soon, or, well, back to the hotel?“ There was a hopeful lilt to his voice.

Dr. Dearing smiled in her own, charming way and pushed strands of her dark brown hair behind her ear. “That depends on your overall state. I will check you through and be able to tell you more after.“

“Have at it, then!“ With those words, Louis let her get to work. He answered all her questions truthfully and let her examine his body from head to toe without protest. He couldn't help squirming when she palpated his stomach, though. He was reminded that there was, in fact, something inside him over and over again and he didn't really appreciate it. 

“Everything is looking pretty nice so far, Louis,“ Dr. Dearing concluded at last. She made some quick notes on her ever-present clipboard and Louis used the opportunity to pull the blanket over his body again. When Dr. Dearing looked up she had a serious expression on her face. “So, I wanted to inform you that the last of your test results came in earlier today, all of them validating again that you are pregnant. I know you are not entirely comfortable with this situation as of now; I realised as much yesterday. I’m also aware that you didn't have a chance to have a talk with your boyfriend yet to make up your mind in the slightest. There is no hurry anyhow. The tests showed that you are about 7 weeks along, which is apparently when your birth control pills stopped working for you completely. This means for one that, should you indeed want to go through with terminating the pregnancy, you still have about a month left for that. I advice you to think about this very, very carefully, though. There are many risks you take with such a procedure, not only physically speaking, but concerning your mental health as well.“ She stopped herself to give him a meaningful once-over. “I don't want to influence you in any way, of course, as this is all up to you in the end. You have to live with your decision, however it will turn out. Nevertheless, I opted to bring the portable ultrasound device with me.“ She pointed in the direction of the apparatus, as if Louis hadn't noticed it the moment it was wheeled into the room. “I strongly suggest that we do a scan. Considering that you suffered from a syncope yesterday, we really should make sure that the baby is doing okay for now.“ 

Louis was biting his bottom lip so hard he expected to taste blood any second. This was a lot of information to take in and I didn't help him to cope with his tangled mess of thoughts at all. Like, he probably should do this stupid scan. That didn't have to mean anything. He was just making sure he wasn't walking around carrying a suffering foetus with him, right? After all, it could have gotten hurt when he had been unconscious the day before — maybe it hadn't gotten enough oxygen or it was as dehydrated as he had been. Was that a thing that could happen? Not willing to follow this train of thought any further he simply nodded at Dr. Dearing.

He didn't acknowledge the trembling of his hands as he, once again, pushed the comforting blanket away from his body and lifted the hospital gown he had been dressed in since he got here. Thankfully they left him with his boxers or this could have gotten pretty embarrassing. 

Dr. Dearing turned on the apparatus and waited for the flickering screen to come to life. She grabbed the required gel Louis knew all to well from his mothers ultrasounds and squeezed some of it onto his tummy. While Dr. Dearing was talking to him, explaining in detail the steps she took and how she was searching for his uterus and the baby, but Louis didn't really pay her any attention. He didn't like this at all. 

“There you are,“ Louis heard her mumble after some time of quietly searching, triumph noticeable in her voice. “Look here, Louis, come on.“ She encouraged him softly, when she noticed that his head was turned away. 

Louis couldn’t do it, was the thing. He wasn't able to move even the slightest bit just to stare at this weird grey and white screen which would depict his — his baby, which he wouldn't be able to identify anyway. So instead, he stoically glared at the muted TV and ignored the lump forming in his throat like a fucking pro.

He heard the sigh she let out when she realised he wasn't going to spare a glance, but ignored it. “The baby is doing fine — everything is as developed as it should be. Also, it didn't seem to be affected by your syncope at all, which is great.“ She fumbled around with the ultrasound stick some more. “I’m going to print a sonogram picture for you. I know you are not ready to see your baby yet, and I can understand that, but maybe you want a look later on, yeah?“

Louis just shrugged and then listened as the printer attached to the ultrasound device spat out the picture. He noticed from the corner of his eye how Dr. Dearing placed the small piece of paper onto his night table a moment later. “Here you go.“ She then proceeded to turn of the apparatus and went into the bathroom to gather a wet flannel for him, which he eagerly used to clean his stomach from the sticky gel. 

“Very well, Louis. I couldn't find anything concerning at all, which means you are free to go. I will sign your release papers and you can get them in the nurses office at the end of the corridor in about an hour, alright? Otherwise, just make sure you drink lots of water from now on and, should you feel dizzy or queasy again, which is always a possibility in your condition, I advise you to sit down and take a break. Also, you should make an appointment with an OB/GYN sometime in the next few weeks, favourably someone you are able to visit regularly. And, I guess that is all I have to say. Any questions?“

Louis simply shook his head, still stuck on the thought of consulting an OB/GYN. Fucking hell! 

“Okay. I will leave you to it, then. Shall I tell your friends they can come in now?“

Louis shook his head again, this time urgently. “Can you tell them to give me a few minutes? I just need to clear my head a bit before I face them.“

“Of course, I will do that,“ Dr. Dearing said sympathetically, grabbed for his medical files and went to exit his room. “Goodbye for now, Louis. I wish you all the best!“ 

Unsurprisingly, Louis was able to give a sincere smile at that. She really seemed like a great doctor and Louis found that he liked her and her placid manner very much. “Thanks a lot for everything, Dr. Dearing,“ he replied and then she was gone.

\- - -

The boys did enter the room exactly half an hour later; time which Louis used to take some sorely needed deep breaths. The idea of facing any of the boys now made him uncomfortable. He really wanted his mum here with him. It didn't help that all the stuff Dr. Dearing just told him honestly freaked him out. 

He didn't really want to do anything, but got off the bed anyway to hide the ultrasound picture, turning it around with closed eyes so he didn’t accidentally look at it. Luckily, he found the pyjama bottoms, in which he was apparently dressed when brought into the clinic, carefully folded in the bathroom and therefore simply put the picture into one of its pockets. 

Zayn was the first one to poke his head inside and Louis, back in his bed, immediately held his arms out for an embrace. “You look so much better, Lou. I’m glad. Gave me a right shock when I returned with your glass of water to find you lying limply in your bunk, breathing shallowly. Don't do this again, understood?“

Louis frowned guiltily. “’m sorry, Zayn. I will take better care.“ 

“Well, I damn well hope so,“ Niall cut in as he shoved Zayn aside to get his own hug out of Louis. “Don’t want to see you in a hospital anytime soon again, mate.“

Zayn’s indigent huff was drowned out by Louis’ laugh. Niall’s antic of snuffling into his neck during hugs still amused him greatly. He only pushed the blond boy away slightly when he saw Harry’s curls appear in his line of vision, right beside Liam, who refrained from cuddling Louis as he had had a chance to do so before. He couldn't help the way his body froze when he met Harry’s stare. 

It was weird. 

For a second, Harry looked astonishingly like his 17-year old self again, seeming only on step away from running up to Louis to scoop him into his arms — and Louis wanted this so, so much. He wanted Harry to hold him tight, wanted to tell Harry everything that Dr. Dearing had told him, wanted to cry on his shoulder because he didn't feel able to cope with any of it, and especially wanted to make every plan regarding their imminent future together with him. 

The problem was, that Harry also looked like he had for the past months; passive and guarded and with not all that much affection for Louis left. His fists were balled and his brows were furrowed and Louis didn't want this. He didn't need this, either. Not right now, when his whole life was falling apart before his very eyes.

It was Niall who broke the tension he was, arguably, not even aware of. “Harry, come on over here. Liam, Zayn and I will wait outside to give you two a sec and then Louis can finally fill us in on what exactly happened anyway, okay?“ he suggested cheerily. It was something Niall tended to do — ignoring the obvious in favour of pretending everything was sunshine, rainbows and butterflies. 

While Liam just went along with Niall with a slightly questioning tilt to his mouth as the latter left for the corridor once more, Zayn’s expression had gotten strained at the thought of Harry and Louis alone in the room. He held onto Louis hand without intent to let go and Louis was really fucking thankful for it. Still, this was a situation that Louis had to get through on his own, so he asked for Zayn to organise him some clothes in which he could leave the clinic. Zayn nodded in silent support, before he threw Harry a hard look and followed Niall and Liam outside. 

Silence settled over the room and it sure as hell wasn't comfortable.

“Hey Lou,“ Harry started off, his deep voice rumbling in his chest as he slowly approached him. Louis couldn't deny the quickening of his heart rate. He mumbled a barely audible greeting in response, not capable of doing much more.

Was it bad that he wanted Harry to kiss him, even though he knew more than well that Harry wouldn't?

He sighed dejectedly. He didn’t ever imagine that any encounter between Harry and himself could end up being this awkward. They got along splendidly from the very beginning, really, with Louis jumping into Harry’s arms when they were first put into a group on the X-Factor stage all those years ago. And despite having only met once during a short bathroom break, Harry had picked him up without question and the rest, as they say, was history. Never had any prolonged silences taken up space between them; they always had so much to say to each other. Harry had told him his entire family’s history in the course of one evening and then had memorised the names, ages and faces of all of Louis’ siblings in under an hour. And after those first weeks of never-ending conversations, when they had finally calmed down a little from the rush it had been to get to know each other, they were also able to sit in comfortable calmness, simply smiling at each other while they let things be.

So this — this caution in dealing with each other, it was the most heartbreaking thing to happen to Louis. How could they have lost everything that had made their relationship so special for such a long time in only a short few months? How did it come so far? What went wrong?

Louis was pulled away from his thoughts when Harry spoke up again, now standing closely by Louis’ bed. “I was so worried, you have no idea. What even happened?“ He extended his hand as if he wanted to touch Louis, but then seemed to recall that this wasn't something they did anymore. Nothing that he did anymore, anyway. Louis had tried so hard for even just a little restored closeness between them and failed rather spectacularly.

And what, for fuck’s sake, was even going on right now?

Did Harry just expect him to act as if nothing was wrong? That he gave him a truthful answer, after which they could sink into a passionate kiss and pretend nothing had happened? Did he expect everything would be okay after this? Or was he being nice for an entirely other reason? Was this Harry pretending to care for Louis? Was this him playing the distraught boyfriend one last time? Was he planning to break-up with him as soon as he was on his feet again? Honestly, after his recent experiences, this seemed like the more realistic option to Louis and it made his stomach turn unpleasantly.

He didn't know what to do. He didn't know anything.

Except for the obvious — he couldn't tell Harry about the baby! Not now, not under this circumstances and most particularly not when Harry was holding onto him for reasons Louis didn't know, but which obviously hadn't to do anything with love anymore; of this Louis was sure.

So, he swallowed noisily and crossed his ankles under the blanket before he answered. “I was just a bit dehydrated, had some blood pressure issues — it’s nothing to worry about, so.“ He didn't ever fob Harry off with clipped answer like this, but he figured an early end to this stilted conversation would be pretty swell, so he would do what he could. 

Harry seemed as surprised by his statement as Louis himself was. “Um,“ he began, before clearing his throat uneasily. “That’s good then, I guess. Did the doctor prescribe you some medicine or something? Should we pay special attention to anything to prevent you from fainting again?“

We. He said we as if he was still a part of Louis’ life, when he made sure a long time ago that that wasn't the case anymore. 

“No,“ Louis responded. “Dr. Dearing just said I should drink more regularly and that’s it.“ He gave Harry the same bullshit lie he told Liam before, accompanied by a little shrug. He could feel Harry’s gaze burn on him inquiringly, as if he knew that there was more to the story that Louis didn't tell him about.

Well, sucked to be him, then, Louis thought defiantly and began to play with a loose thread on his blanket as if it was the most fascinating thing.

The silence settled again. Harry got himself a chair from the table by the window and pulled it up to Louis’ bedside, then sat down. Louis turned his attention to the television and searched for the remote to un-mute it. 

And that was it.

That was his conversation with Harry — the first one in weeks that had lasted longer than five words. And to sum it up; it was worth absolutely nothing.

They had been talking to each other as if they were distant relatives trying for some small talk. From those words, no one would be able to figure out they were friends, let alone a couple. Louis couldn't help but think that management would be so fucking happy about this. Finally, there was no chemistry left between Harry and himself. Finally, they could pretend to be the heterosexual boys they were always supposed to be and it didn't even take effort. Fucking perfect!

\- - - 

Zayn reentered the room about 40 minutes later with a change of clothes, which Louis gratefully took into the bathroom with him. Normally, he wouldn't have a problem in the slightest with any of the boys seeing him naked. They knew each others bodies well enough after all the times they had changed stage outfits in the same dressing room. Now though, when he felt like his body wasn't his own anymore and there was a baby in there somewhere, he couldn't bear it. He felt as if it would be evident that he was pregnant as soon as he would let the hospital gown slide from his shoulders. Which was of course stupid — there was no bump whatsoever; his tummy wasn't even pudgy anymore since he made sure to work out at least twice a week. But still …

Liam and Niall were waiting among Harry and Zayn in the main room when Louis reentered it (with his pyjama bottoms balled together and pressed tightly to his chest, just … because). He took care to brush his teeth and wash his face, even though he was already excited for the lengthy shower he would take back in the hotel to scrub the smell of hospital off his skin. That didn't mean he wanted his face to look like death on the way over there. 

“I’m ready to go,“ he announced, smiling an honest smile. He couldn't deny that he wanted to be out of this clinic as soon as possible, even though he only spent about 24 hours there, and most of them unconscious. He quickly stuffed his pyjama in the bag Zayn had used to bring his clothes over in and then threw it over his shoulder.

“Hell yeah! I need a good, long nap in a proper bed!“ Niall agreed wholeheartedly and slung an arm around Louis’ waist as they walked into the corridor together. It was the first time Louis saw any other part of the clinic and he had to admit, it looked pretty fancy with its carefully painted walls and stylish furniture. He probably would choose a place like this to get treated in if he should ever feel sick again — and the privacy had it’s perks as well. He should look into private clinics back in England, preferably some close to Doncaster. And with an OB/GYN available, too, as much as he wished that wasn't a necessity.

The other boys chimed in with Niall almost instantly as they made their way down the corridor. Louis let them have their discussion as he gently knocked on the door to the nurses office and waited for someone to let him in. He found himself face to face with the nurse who brought him breakfast this morning. She smiled invitingly and closed the door behind them.

“Here to get your release papers, I figure, dear“ she said and walked over to a shelf that was littered with patient files, medical related books and what seemed to be his papers, which she picked up. She then opened a drawer in another filing cabinet and searched through it for a moment. When she came back to him, she handed Louis a stack of leaflets about male pregnancy next to his release papers. He couldn't help but swallow hard. 

The nurse seemed to notice, because she laid a hand on his shoulder and said: “Don’t pressure yourself, honey! Everything will be just fine. You look through those leaflets unhurriedly and gather as much information as you can, alright? And then you think over all the options you have, which, I can tell you, are a lot. You decide for one and then you sleep over this decision. And if you still feel like what you chose the day before is the right thing to do, you got ahead and do it. No one can tell you that it is wrong and no one can judge you for it, because in the end all that counts is that you personally can live with your decision. Do you understand?“ 

It wasn't like she was telling Louis something entirely new or groundbreaking, but he still felt comforted by her steady presence and the certainty with which she spoke. “Thank you very much,“ he said wholeheartedly and then waved goodbye to the nurse.

He made sure that the leaflets were properly hidden away in the belly pocket of his oversized jumper before he left the office.

\- - - 

The boys, the team and management had, of course without taking Louis vocal opinion into account, agreed that he shouldn't attend the next three shows, for his own safety and health’s sake. Louis could hardly hide how annoyed he was with this stupid decision. Dr. Dearing had let him go for a reason. He was fine. He didn't need to be fussed over just because he fainted, for god’s sake!

But every one of his protests fell on deaf ears.

So, he spent the next days grumpily lazing around in the tour bus on his own while the other boys were doing sound checks, held meet and greets and played concerts in front of thousands of people. Louis didn't bother to go to the venues with them, as it would only piss him of even more that he couldn't stay up on those stages with his boys.

Instead, he took Dr. Dearing’s advice to heart and payed more attention to his body; or at least more than he normally would. It wasn't fun, but whatever. He made sure to drink lots of water and tea and used his unwelcome free time to sleep at least eight hours a day. He still got dizzy a few times, but never as bad as before in the bunk bed. It always was over again quick enough after he took a seat somewhere and drank some cold tea, which he found helped best even though it was kind of disgusting.

He had stored away all of the informational brochures he got from the clinic deep inside his suitcase, under his biggest and cosiest jumpers, most of which belonged to Harry, but that was beside the point. As it was nearing the end of April and it became proper warm outside now, he wouldn't need those jumpers anytime soon and therefore they made a pretty great hideout for all the stuff he didn't want anyone to know about. Back in England, alone in his own flat, he would find another space for them. 

He also took the sonogram picture out of the pyjama bottoms’ pocket, but he couldn't figure out a good place to put it. He still didn't want to see it, but for some reason he also didn't want it to get wrinkled between all the clothes in his suitcase together with the brochures. Eventually, he just put it in his wallet and tried not to think about it any longer. 

And that was basically summing up Louis’ life right then. He was doing nothing aside from ignoring the one thing he really shouldn't ignore. He was such a pro in that.

The situation with Harry hadn't changed at all after he was released from the clinic, either. Which, Louis didn't really expect it to, seeing that their conversation in the hospital was an actual joke. It would have been nice anyway, if Harry had tried to make another move to confront him. Because, if Louis knew one thing about Harry, it was that the boy was definitely not daft. He knew something else was up. And it wasn't like Louis was ready to tell him yet anymore than he was back in the clinic, but just to feel like Harry would actually care to know it would be — well, comforting.

Instead, though, Harry seemed to avoid him more than ever and Louis’ heart grew heavier from day to day.

\- - - 

After One Direction had played its three concerts without Louis, there was only one more show left before the US leg of their tour would be completed. Louis’ mood was high all day at the thought that, tomorrow morning, he could catch the earliest plane back to London Heathrow and, from there, would be able to make the drive to Doncaster in under four hours. The smile on his face felt indestructible. 

He would finally get to see his mum again, all of his beautiful sisters and of course his littlest siblings, whom he was sure had grown up so much over the past three months that he would barely recognise them. He also couldn't wait getting to speak freely to his mum, to share the burdens that had been resting on his shoulders since long before he even got the news of his pregnancy. 

More than anything, though, he couldn't get away from Harry quickly enough. Harry and his passive-aggressive stares that had been directed at him all day long. He was just so done with feeling sorry all the time, pushed down by the one person that was supposed to raise him up. 

Louis didn't ever think that there would be a time he would be grateful to be apart from Harry.

He was standing in Zayn’s dressing room once again, checking his outfit and hair in front of the full-length mirror. There was no denying of the bags beneath his eyes. Looked like the sleep he had caught up on in those last few days didn't help much. He ran his hand through his fringe, fluffing up the strands until he was satisfied. 

“Hey, Lou, you ready? We’re going up on stage in five minutes,“ said Liam, who had positioned himself in the doorway. Louis startled, but gave Liam an affirming nod. He turned away from the mirror and took his Adidas jacket to pull over his white shirt.

Liam shot him an amused glance as they began walking towards the backstage area. “You do realise it’s frickin' hot on that stage, do you?“ 

Louis did know that. It was just — this was his first time performing again after hearing those, frankly, life-changing news. He just felt saver knowing there was another layer of clothes protecting his tummy; both from looks and things thrown his way on stage. He chose to not analyse what that second train of thought might mean in the grand scheme of his feelings concerning the baby. It wasn't good, it wasn't bad either — it just was.

Louis had long learned to accept his ambivalent self.

Luckily, Louis hadn't to find an adequate response to Liam’s question, as they entered the backstage area just then. The rest of the boys were gathered there already, collecting their microphones from the assistant near the stage door and putting their in-ears in. 

A crew member came up to Louis and, without further ado, shoved a mic set into his back pocket.

When they were fully equipped, they didn't have much time to spare. They quickly got into position, forming the familiar circle and putting their hands in.

“Last US show, guys,“ Liam started off. The obviousness of this statement made Zayn roll his eyes in an affectionate manner. 

“Let’s make it a great one,“ Harry added, with a small smirk of his own. His hand was close to Louis’, the warmth of it making Louis shiver in anticipation and longing. 

If Harry noticed the tremble in his voice when he and the other boys agreed with his declaration, he didn't show a sign.

\- - - 

The after-show rush left Louis nearly hysterical and it felt fucking great. He couldn't stop giggling over the most random things, like how Niall missed a skip and stumbled when he ascended the stairs of the hotel. Or, how Zayn let go of his freshly lit cigarette involuntarily and it fell from the balcony, so he reluctantly had to get a new one from his pack inside. 

It wasn't even all that funny and the rest of the boys seemed to think so, too, as they merely snorted when Louis started up again because the crisp packet made a weird sound when Liam opened it.

“What the hell is wrong with you?“ Zayn asked, seemingly torn between laughing about Louis and feeling put out with him.

“What is wrong with you?“ Louis asked back childishly, before curling up on the bed to muffle his laughter in one of the pillows.

They had decided to spent their last evening before the break together in Niall’s hotel room, as they all had lots of things planned for the next weeks and therefore might not see each other again for quite some time. Surprisingly enough, even Harry had come, instead of leaving for some party or another with his rich ass friends.

“Fucking hell, Lou!“ Niall exclaimed at Louis’ behaviour and it sounded like he was laughing as well, so Louis lifted his head from the assembly of pillows to look at him with a bright smile.

“Are you drunk, Louis?“ Liam asked, brows furrowed and far too serious for Louis to enjoy.

“Of course not, stupid,“ he responded and flopped back onto his back. He stared at the ceiling and felt oddly reminded of that night in the hospital by doing so.

“Let’s put in a movie,“ Niall suggested, most likely to put an end to this nonsense conversation. 

“I vote Toy Story!“ 

“Not again, Liam, we watched that like three times this month already.“

“Now, that’s not true, Zayn.“

There was some rustling going on as Liam and Zayn took their banter to the next stage, but Louis didn't really pay attention.

“Well, you decide and I go get us some more snacks,“ Harry interjected and Louis could trail his movements from the corner of his eyes, so he squeezed them shut tightly. He could feel the adrenaline leave his body in waves as he was coming down. 

“I’ll order us some drinks,“ Niall said. “And you three, get a movie going!“

Ten minutes later they were sprawled across the king size bed, and there was an abundance of beer, ice-cream, popcorn and chocolate spread out around them. Louis had gotten into an upright position again, his attention now on the movie playing on the flatscreen — it somehow came to be Iron Man; Louis wasn't exactly surprised.

He made a grab for one of the beers on the side table, taking a big swig before immediately coughing it up again. Fuck no! His eyes began to get watery because he was heaving so hard and it took Zayn patting his back for what felt like minutes for the coughing to stop. When Louis looked up, all the boys were watching him with curious expressions. Louis tried to laugh it off, but his voice was cracking. He put down the beer on the side table again and began to fiddle with his hands.

“Alright, Lou?“ Liam asked in mild concern.

“Yeah, sure,“ he nodded mechanically. “But, I think I might head to bed. Feel a little knackered.“

This response earned him another set of perplexed looks. Harry’s was particularly firm. “Well, if you wanna,“ Zayn shrugged. “See you at breakfast tomorrow, then.“

Louis nodded absently while crawling to the edge of the bed. Then he remembered. “Uh, you won’t, actually. I’m taking an early flight out to London. Gonna be up in the air already when you lazy bums make your way to breakfast.“

This time, Liam muted the movie. “What? When did you decide this, Lou? You could've at least told us you were making all those plans.“ There was disapproval clear in his voice. Harry sat up straighter as well, his face indecipherable.

“I’m sorry, it was a spontaneous decision. I would have told you before I left,“ he was quick to reassure, not liking all this attention on him. He crossed his arms in front of himself defensively. 

“I’m sure you would’ve,“ Niall sided with him, smiling. Louis didn't understand how anyone even survived without having their very own Niall. “In fact, you just did.“

“Exactly,“ Louis grinned back at him, though it was strained.

“Well, okay,“ Liam sighed, letting it go. He was never fond of unnecessary tension and it would be over something irrelevant as well. “I guess that means it’s time for goodbye cuddles,“ he added, perking up with a smile returning to his lips.

\- - - 

Louis was about to climb into bed, dressed only in a pair of boxers because it was so hot in the room and he couldn't figure out the hotel’s air conditioning system. He was so ready for some sleep that he barely recognised the guilt that overcame him once again because he had sipped from that beer. He hadn't been planning on doing that, obviously. It was just such a normal thing for him; to drink a beer when he was with the boys, especially after a mind-blowing concert. 

As soon as he had tasted the bitterness on his tongue his mind was brought back to the baby in his tummy and he couldn't help but choke. He didn't really want this baby, not like this and not right now, so much was true. But still — the thought that he could hurt that tiny human being inside him, it just didn't sit right with him.

Good god, maybe he needed a shrink. Like, honestly, how could one person have so many conflicting thoughts concerning one topic? This whole thing couldn't be this hard, now could it? Either he wanted the baby and all the messes it would bring, or he didn’t. 

Thing is, he really didn’t.

Except, maybe he did?

Shit.

He tossed and turned in his bed for a long time, in desperate need for an hour or two of sleep. Just as he felt his eyelids flutter shut and his thoughts quieting down, the door to the room opened. Louis sat up straight instantly, frightened by the sudden intrusion, and in the darkness it took him some time to realise that it was Harry who was closing the door behind him.

“What are you doing here?“, Louis muttered, his heart speeding up even more in his chest.

Harry slowly approached the bed, before he spoke up. “Why didn't you tell me you were leaving for London in the morning?“ he asked, and Louis would have thought he sounded upset, if it weren't for the ever-present neutrality that over layered his voice when he spoke to Louis.

Louis was stunned by himself when he responded, “I didn't think you would care.“

He could hear Harry sigh from beside him. There was no answer. Louis felt himself deflate. But what was he expecting Harry to say, anyway?

Harry moved again, then, a took a place beside Louis’ body on the bed. He extended his hand and, slowly, started to run his fingers over Louis’ bare arm. Shocked as he was by this turn of events, Louis couldn't help but shiver. 

“Can I?“ Harry murmured, his voice deep and syrupy. 

Louis should say no, immediately. Because, no, Harry very well couldn’t. He couldn't come here and say three words that gave Louis nothing to go on and then … then start touching him as if they still belonged together. As if Louis was still Harry’s to touch whenever and however he pleased.

But all Louis could bring out was a breathless “yes“, because Louis was pathetic like that, desperate for every word, every touch, every sound Harry had to spare for him.

It didn't take more for Harry to tug away the thin blanket Louis had used to cover himself with. Goosebumps were breaking out all over his skin, not from the cold, but from the way Harry was looking at him, his engaging gaze visible even in the gloominess of the room.

Harry’s fingers began to trail up to Louis neck, now, then moved down again, spanning his chest this time. He had barely even made a move and Louis felt like he was coming undone already. His breathing got harsher and he was torn.

Harry was leaning over him now, but still the only part of him connecting to Louis were his fingers as they caressed his body. Louis wanted Harry to kiss him. He wanted Harry, wanted all of him, all the time. And it was consuming him.

“Harry“, he stuttered out, helpless, befuddled. Harry didn't pay him any mind, instead running his fingers over his hips, then slowly across his stomach. He lingered there, right there, his warmth spreading. But Louis felt his body freeze. “Harry“, he said again, much more urgent and clear now. “Harry, you need to stop!“

It was that sentence that made Harry snap out of hit stupor. Louis shoved at his chest to get him to move away and he did, coming to his feet and pushing his hair from his face. He blinked at Louis, face questioning in the darkness.

“You should go to sleep. Or — leave. I need to be up in a few hours, I can’t — I can’t now.“ And with that, Louis grabbed his blanket and turned his back to Harry, who was still standing right beside the bed, unmoving. 

The blanket was too warm around Louis, stifling even, but he couldn't let it go, his hands buried tightly in the cotton. He felt so bare. 

The hotel room door fell shut a minute later.

\- - -


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello :)
> 
> So, here is the next chapter - it took me a bit longer, but I hope the wait was still acceptable. I'll try my best in future chapters. I'm not really sure about this one still, but I read it over so often now and my mind is just done with it, haha. I hope it is alright, maybe I'll work over some of that dialogue later on.
> 
> Again, I hope there are nor major errors in grammar and spelling.
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and nice comments so far, they really brighten up my days.
> 
> Enjoy reading now,  
> Julia x

Louis felt knackered when he finally stepped onto the front porch of his mothers house. He had the hood of his jumper pulled deep down into his face, both in the hope of not getting recognised by any fans or paparazzi and also to protect himself against the chilly English weather. 

The door flew open before he could even attempt to ring the bell, which told him that his whole family had most likely been waiting for him all day, taking turns in peeking through the living room curtains to spot his car in the driveway.

“Louis!“ The shrill sound of all his sisters voices combined made him wince involuntarily, but not a second later a big smile spread over his lips. He let his duffle bag slide from his shoulder unceremoniously and spread his arms, ready for some hugs.

“You are finally hear,“ Daisy squealed, clinging onto his body for dear life with Phoebe right beside her, nodding fiercely.

“Yes, I am. Have you waited long? I drove as fast as I could,“ he assured and ruffled Lottie’s hair, which made her stick her tongue out at him, before she gave him kiss on the cheek over the twins heads.

It took a while for all of them to calm down, their giddiness of seeing each other again after months apart unrestrained. When Phoebe and Daisy had let go of Louis, he even got a chance to cuddle Fizzy into his chest, until she deemed it enough, because really, she was far too cool to show any more affection nowadays.

Louis looked up when he heard someone clear their throat. In the entryway to the kitchen stood his mum, her eyes filled with happy tears as she observed him lovingly. She wore her dark hair in a messy ponytail and a bright, honest smile on her lips when she greeted him. “Hello, boo bear!“

And, he really couldn't help it — he burst into tears at the sound of her voice.

He was just so relieved to finally see her, still so stressed out about this situation with Harry and all that happened the night before in the hotel room and of course the whole baby mess and he was just thankful he was able to be here now. His mum would make everything better, she always did, and that’s all he wanted right now.

His emotional reaction left the bustling hallway in stunned silence, and Louis really didn't want to cry in front of his sisters, didn't want to scare them, but he couldn't help the sobs that shook his body, no matter how hard he pressed his hands against his mouth to stop them.

Jay’s eyes darkened with concern as she took a perplexed step forward. “Lottie, Fizzy, why don't you take the twins and go upstairs for a while.“ It was phrased like a suggestion, but Jay’s tone of voice made clear that it was not up for discussion. She didn't turn away from Louis for even a second. “I think Lou and I need to have a talk.“ Lottie, although seeming just as worried as Jay and more than ready to stay and comfort Louis to the best of her abilities, did as she was told and ushered her sisters up the stairs.

As soon as a door upstairs fell shut, Jay was on him. She wound her arms around his trembling body and pressed him to her chest tightly. Louis buried his face into her neck, surely getting tear stains on her blue summer dress, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered except for his mum’s familiar smell and the warmth she emitted. 

His sobs slowly turned into whimpers, as Jay stroked his back in circling motions. After a while his voice simply gave out and all that remained in the silence of the house were his choppy breaths.

“Let’s go to the living room, honey. I’ll make us a cup of tea and you can tell me whatever happened that left you so distraught,“ Jay proposed then and Louis managed a weak nod in response. She gently guided him through the door to their right and sat him down on one of the cosy couches in front of the turned off TV, before disappearing into the kitchen.

Louis used the time it took for the water to boil to get his breathing under control. There were still tears leaking from his eyes, but at least his heart race appeared to be in a normal range again. He curled himself into one corner of the couch and grabbed for a quilt that was thrown over the back of a nearby armchair to cover himself in it.

That’s how Jay found him five minutes later, a tray loaded with two large mugs of tea and a plate of biscuits in her hands.

“Oh dear,“ she sighed, her brows furrowing. Louis was sure he must be giving quite the picture and he felt sorry for troubling his mum like that. 

Jay set the tray down on the coffee table and pressed a mug into Louis’ hands. She took the other one for herself, before sitting down and facing him. 

“Now, tell me what’s going on, boo. The last time I’ve seen you this shaken up your douche bag of a father had shown up thinking he could blackmail you with outing your sexuality. You know if it’s something like that again we can call your lawyer and everything will be solved in a matter of days, don't you?“ She patted his thighs softly with her free hand.

Louis exhaustedly blinked through the steam rising from his tea. His voice was nothing but a croak when he responded. “It’s nothing to do with Troy. It’s — I don't even know where to start, mum. Everything is such a mess right now and I don't know what to do.“

“Start at the beginning, then, and we will figure everything out as we go along,“ she said encouragingly. 

So, Louis sighed and, after taking a sip from his too hot tea, raised his voice. “Okay. Well.“ He fumbled around for the right words, not quite willing to destroy his mum’s dreams of a happy family for her first-born son. Not quite willing to destroy his own dreams by finally seriously facing all this. “Things with Harry haven't been good, lately. Like, for quite some time actually. This whole year until now has been utterly shitty. And — I don't know how that happened; I tried to figure it out, I tried to mend whatever had been broken between us, but it was — just impossible. Harry, he — he doesn't even seem to notice me anymore, mum. I’m there, right beside him, and he pretends like I’m not. He acts as if I’m someone he doesn't know, someone that is just irrelevant to him. And I don't know what I did wrong to deserve this, because all — all I ever did was love him. I love him so much, but he — I don't think he feels that way for me. Not anymore.“ There was a wavering in his voice. “We haven't talked in months. He doesn't kiss me, only touches me when he needs it, and I feel so terrible all the time. I don't want it to be this way, because it drives me insane. I’m so afraid, though, that every other option would just leave me even worse. I know that’s not reasonable, but — the thought of not having him as my boyfriend anymore tears me apart. I want him to stay, but he is slipping through my fingers and — just — it feels like one day I will wake up and he will be gone without even saying good-bye and putting an official end to it. And still I’m — I’m here, waiting for it to happen. Like, that is so pathetic, but.“ 

He stopped talking then, instead shakes his head in a way that conveys he can’t go on.

Jay, for her part, appeared to be totally caught of guard by those news. “My god, Lou, I didn't know the both of you had such troubles. I’m so sorry,“ she muttered, placing her mug on the tray again. Her hands took hold of Louis’ ankles and he hummed softly as she began to caress them. “Haven't you tried to talk to Harry, though? Maybe there is an entirely reasonable explanation for all this. Maybe he feels just as bad as you do about all this?“ Louis knew from the sound of her voice that she wasn't convinced by her own words.

“I didn’t. After I realised, like, really realised how distanced we were — I didn't ever find it in me to confront him. He is so passive and uninterested in me and everything I do or say, mum, and I’m — I am far too scared to even try talking to him. I know he would use the opportunity solely to break-up with me and, as much as this situation between us is weighing me down, I don't think I would — I couldn't cope with that. I wouldn't bear to be anywhere near him, like, I wouldn't even be able to stand on a stage with him after that.“ 

Jay was frowning so hard now that Louis was afraid it would leave permanent wrinkles on her face. “Honey, to be honest, I don't know what to tell you, but that doesn't sound healthy to me at all. I don't want to judge Harry unfairly, he is a lovely boy as far as I know him and I can’t assess where exactly his problems lie, but if you want to know what I think it’s that: You need to protect yourself and take a step back! This doesn't have to mean a breakup, but it definitely means taking a break.“ She leaned towards him slightly, as if to make her point more clear. “You showed up on my doorstep just now and broke down completely, Louis. That isn't okay! You either need to talk to the boy to sort it through or you need to be the one to leave, even if just for bit, but that, as well, involves talking. Really, boo, you cant expect your problems to solve themselves, as nice as that would be.“ She mustered up a tired smile, as if that sentence reminded her of her own past mistakes.

Of course, all that sounded rational to Louis. He wasn't stupid; he had known all along that, sooner or later, there would have to be talk, even if he feared the result. He couldn't spend the rest of his life being with Harry but not really being with him after all — that wasn't how it worked. 

And maybe before, when he hadn't known that he was carrying Harry’s baby in his tummy, this talk with his mum would have helped him. Would have emboldened him to be strong enough to prompt a conversation with Harry.

Now, though, facing Harry seemed so incredibly frightening to him that he would have rather come out right there and then with a fucking 140 character message on Twitter. 

He swallowed hard and put his mug on the table, for fear of spilling it. “Mum, there is — more. Like, I see where you are coming from and I’m sure under normal circumstances I would probably go for a relationship talk, no matter the consequences, but — I can’t do that now. I’m nowhere near capable of doing that, when …“ He interrupted himself, unable to say what he had to say.

Jay seemed to be getting ready for the worst and Louis thought that was fairly appropriate. “When what, Lou?“

“When I’m pregnant with Harry’s baby and pretty sure I don't want to keep it,“ he blurted out with his head lowered to the floor. 

“You are — what? Louis, how? Are you sure?“ Jay questioned, her voice higher than usual. 

“I’m pretty damn sure, mum.“ Louis took a deep breath and tried to get the next part over with fast, as he didn't think his mum would be very glad he kept all this a secret from her for so long. “I suffered from a syncope about a week ago and when I woke up in a private clinic the doctor there told me. Apparently, the pregnancy caused my blood pressure to sink and I was also slightly dehydrated, which caused me to faint, but it’s nothing to worry about. I was obviously shocked and asked her how all this was even possible, so she informed me that birth control pills do only work some years for men, unlike for women, who can take one and the same brand their whole lives. So, since Harry and I chose to forgo condoms and my pills stopped having any effect, I wasn't protected any longer. And I know if I hadn't so forcibly ignored this damn gene I possess and went to an OB/GYN every now and then I could’ve at least spared myself from this mess. Which, I really regret that!“ He sighed.

He was still not looking up even after he finished speaking, as he didn't want to see the disappointment that surely was engraved into his mum’s face. She wouldn't appreciate that Louis was being so irresponsible in terms of contraception and she also would never in a million years understand his wish to not carry a baby that was already growing inside him.

“Bloody hell, Louis,“ is what his mum said and her unexpected cussing is what made Louis finally raise his head. Jay had a hand pressed against her lips, her eyes were wide and shock was clearly written in them. “I’m sorry. I didn't mean to curse. I just — I can’t believe this.“ She was shaking her head, as if to emphasise her point. “What is your plan, then? You realise you can’t just hide away here and ignore all this. Now especially you have to talk to Harry. That is his baby as well, you can’t decide anything without him knowing.“ 

Even though Louis knew his mum would tell him this, he didn't want to accept it. “No, I don’t. I won’t, okay? Harry will never know about this, seeing that the baby won’t even be there anymore when I next see him.“

“What if he finds out? Say, in a few years, when you have everything between you worked out and you are married and happy? What if he finds out then, huh?“ Jay asked impatiently.

“He won’t find out, because we are the only people who know. You are the only one I’ve told.“

But Jay was shaking her head at him again. “Louis, you know I support you in anything you do, but this is not right. And you know it, too!“

“So what, you will tell Harry?“ Louis questioned her with a challenge clear in his voice.

Jay looked defiant for a second, before her shoulders slumped. She grabbed for her mug of tea and drank half of it in one go. “I won’t, of course. You are still my son and I wouldn't ever betray your trust like this,“ she clarified indignantly. “I’m telling you frankly, though, that I think you are making a mistake.“ Her voice got gentler then, and Louis felt himself get wary. “You’ve only known about this baby for a week. I advice you to not make any hasty decisions, honey. I know you were never comfortable with the idea of getting pregnant and it wouldn't ever have mattered. But there is a real baby now, if you want to acknowledge that fact or not. It’s developing inside you, depending on your care and affection. It’s your baby, Louis. Don't do anything you might regret, because you won’t ever be able to turn back time and change your decision.“

The words hit Louis harder than he would like to admit. His mum was speaking the truth, obviously — once he had had an abortion he wouldn't ever get this baby back. He would have to live with the knowledge that he had deliberately killed it. Were his reasons really strong enough to justify that? They seemed to be, for him, but …

He felt overwhelmed again. 

On the one hand-side, he finally had gotten everything that had burdened him of his heart now. His mum was on his side, ready to help him however she could. But on the other hand-side, nothing was really easier or clearer to him now. He only realised that his mum couldn't take action for him — she couldn't confront Harry for him; she couldn't end or save his relationship for him and she most certainly couldn't carry his baby for him. She could only give him advise and comfort, but Louis himself would have to make the final calls and that was the most terrifying thought.

“I don't know what to do, mum,“ he whispered, finally moving from his curled up position on his side of the couch to crawl over to Jay. She opened her arms for him invitingly.

“That’s okay, boo. Just take some time and relax, clear your mind a bit. And then we will find a way together, I promise!“

“Thank you,“ Louis mumbled and tucked his head onto her shoulder.

\- - - 

Louis must have fallen asleep, for he was shaken awake by a grinning Daisy. He blearily blinked back at her, his back aching from the uncomfortable position he found himself in. “Ugh!“

“Get up, Lou! Mum says dinner is ready and you are supposed to help Lottie get the little twins from their room, because she can’t carry them both on her own.“

“Why don’t you help her?“ Louis asked, but he was already getting of the couch and stretching his back and neck, cringing when everything tweaked a bit. 

“Phoebe and I aren't allowed to carry them down the stairs because they are getting so big now and mum is afraid we might fall.“

Louis nodded. “That seems reasonable. Tell mum I’m going up, alright?“ He didn't wait for her to confirm, just trotted into the hallway again to ascend the stairs. He walked by the guest room that was assigned to him whenever he stayed here, noticing that the door was open and someone had brought his duffle bag up.

“Hurry up, Louis!“ Lottie was calling from a room further down the hall, apparently having heard him as he came up. “Ernest needs a nappy change before dinner and since I’m changing nappies all the time, it’s your turn now.“ He could hear the satisfied smirk in her voice and rolled his eyes, though not really annoyed.

When he entered the room, Lottie made a silly face at him. He made one right back and walked over to the cot he saw Ernest was sitting in. The little boy watched Louis with big eyes and Louis felt his eyes crinkle as he smiled.

“Hey, buddy,“ he greeted him cheerily, before picking him up and pressing kisses all over his cute, round face. “You have grown up so much, I barely recognise you.“

Lottie snorted beside him, her arms now occupied by little Doris, who shot Louis a curious glance, not unlike her brother. “Dotty!“ he exclaimed, pretending to be overly surprised to see her as he gripped Ernest tighter and walked towards the girls. He kissed the crown of Doris’ head. “Hey, baby girl, long time no see.“ He reached for a strand of Doris’ blond hair with his free hand, twirling it around his fingers. “You become prettier and prettier every time I see you.“ Even thought she probably wasn't able to follow Louis’ words, she let out a bubbling stream of laughter at that. 

“Well, we will wait downstairs for you two,“ Lottie interrupted them lightly, then, and hitched Doris up higher on her waist when she walked to the door. “You know where the nappies and everything are, yeah, Lou?“

Louis agreed, only a bit put out at the prospect of dealing with a dirty nappy so shortly before dinner. He still got to work with quick efficiency. Ernest only fussed a little, but when Louis began to tell him all about the last Donny Rovers game and how they had totally finished off the other team he grew quiet and attentive.

Of course, Louis knew why his mum sent him of all people to go fetch one of the twins, since it was just too obvious to miss. It was one move of hers to gently give him reasons to not terminate his pregnancy. It was a clever idea, he had to admit, making him spend time with his toddler siblings to stir maternal feelings inside him. The only problem was, he thought as he watched Ernie’s bright eyes following his every move, that it might work out.

\- - - 

Dinner was a lively affair, and it gave Louis a good impression on how his next days in Doncaster would go. Louis really enjoyed the boisterousness of it all. It made him, at least for a little while, forget those last few strained days and weeks he spent with Harry and the uncomfortable quietness that had always surrounded them. 

He happily helped Dotty while she tried to handle eating all on her own with her big spoon and found the time to ask his older sisters about everything that was new in their lives. He was relieved none of them addressed his earlier break-down. Instead, Phoebe told him about her perfect grades in Maths and he couldn't wipe the proud smile of his lips. Fizzy hinted on a boy who would take her on a date the following Friday, and although Louis didn't really approve of his little sisters being all grown up and out and about he was glad she was so excited for it.

After dinner, he helped him mum clean up the table, if only to have some more time alone with her. They didn't focus on their talk from the afternoon; rather, Louis told her about the shows in the US and how great the crowds had been. He brought her up to date with what was going on in Zayn, Liam and Niall’s lives and then they just spoke about whatever came to mind, all the while scrubbing and drying the dishes, something that had always been a teamwork task for them to spend some quality time alone.

Louis went to bed that night more relaxed than he had been in a long time. He knew he probably should check his phone, as he hadn't bothered to even turn it on after getting off the plane, but he didn't want to destroy his newfound tranquility with reminders of what he left behind.

He simply snuggled his pillow closer to him and let his eyes fall shut.

\- - - 

The next days Louis passed in blissful ignorance. 

In the mornings, when the house was silent because the girls went to school and Dan to work, he took his time with getting up. His mum would then shoot him reproachful looks when he only made himself a simple bowl of cereal and offered on multiple occasions to whip him up something healthier, but Louis really couldn't bother. Yes, maybe the baby needed something more substantial than Frosties, but at least he was drinking so much that it caused him to use the toilet twice as often as he normally would, so. He wasn't all bad! In fact, he thought himself to be very considerate towards this baby, seeing that he wasn't even sure he wanted to have it.

After breakfast he would take a long, hot shower and then throw on some joggers and a hoodie and make himself comfortable on the living room couches, lazing around until Jay would bring Ernie and Dotty around and demand he play with him. The twins were going to stay at home for another two months with his mum before they would attend playgroup regularly, so Jay could resume her job at the hospital. 

As soon as the rest of the family got back to the house in the afternoon it became loud and merry again.

It was great like — doing nothing but taking time for himself.

Louis hadn't turned on his phone yet, but he had given Zayn a call with the landline for a quick chat. Harry hadn't tried to contact him here, which was kind of sending an obvious message. Louis knew if he really would want any form of contact, he could easily enough call the landline or even drive up here from London, Cheshire or wherever he was at. That he chose not to told Louis what he knew all along already — Harry didn't want him anymore; didn’t need him, didn't miss him.

He tried not to ponder over those thoughts, as they only put him down. The time at his mum’s house was supposed to be break for him in every way and he would use it, knowing that soon enough he would have to face his life once again.

\- - - 

Of course, in the end it was his mum who hauled his ass back into reality. 

It was Sunday afternoon, and Dan had taken all the kids for ice-cream in town, so the house was empty except for Louis and Jay. It was presumably something his mum had planned to work out exactly like this, Louis thought miserably while sitting at the kitchen table, the array of brochures and leaflets he got from the clinic spread out before him.

“Don’t look so grumpy, boo bear,“ Jay scolded him lightly and put a platter of sliced fruit in front of him.

Louis wrinkled his nose. “God, you’re worse than Harry!“ It slipped out completely on accident and Louis wanted to punch himself in the face right after. 

Jay did nothing but throw him a quick glance and Louis took the fork she had laid out for him to spear a piece of apple. He munched on it more forcefully than necessary.

“So, have you even peeked into any of those?“ Jay asked then, gesturing to the brochures on the table, while she took a seat across from him, a glass of water in her hand.

“No,“ Louis admitted with a sigh, spearing a piece of banana with vengeance after he finished chewing.

Jay crossed her arms in front of her chest and Louis knew it meant business. “Honey, you know I love and support you through everything, but I forbid you to go through with an abortion if you don't at least inform yourself on male pregnancy first. I understand you are not really coping well with this whole situation, but you can’t just ignore it all and say you'll end everything, when you haven't even considered your options beforehand.“

A part of Louis wanted to tell her that he didn't need her approval or permission to do anything, but deep (very, very deep) down he knew she was right once again and he loathed to admit it.

He sighed long-sufferingly. “I don't need to read those dumb leaflets to know my options. I can either terminate this pregnancy or go through with it, and that’s all there is. And if I go through with it, which, I really don't think I want, I will be stuck with a baby. For the rest of my life I will have a child that depends on me. A child with a man who doesn't love me any longer. A child with me round the clock while I’m touring with the currently most-famous boy band in the world. I really don't think there is any way to do this, mum.“

“Louis, I think you’re just searching for reasons as to why it would be inconvenient to have a baby right now and yeah, of course it would be. Thing is — it’s never convenient to have a baby; you can never really plan it and even if you do, in the end it will still turn out different to what you expected.“ She smiles melancholically and Louis thought she might be remembering all of her own pregnancies — Louis could affirm first hand that none of them have been planned in any way. His mum still went with it, though, and she always made it work somehow. Jay continued: “Having a baby right now wouldn't be the easiest, sure, but so many people your age have it a million times harder and they still go through with it. You have enough money to offer your baby anything it could ever need; you can afford every kind of medical treatment, every piece of furniture, every cute little thing of clothing you see, every toy it will ever want, every school book it will ever need. You will never have to worry about these things other parents loose sleep over! And you have a team which will plan ahead so you don't have to, you have your family and friends, who will always have your back. You're not alone, honey, and I really believe you can do this. You are my boy, after all.“

Louis wished everything she said wouldn't make so much sense, but it did. He had enough money to have a hundred babies. And he knew that, even though management would throw a proper fit, they couldn't make him terminate this pregnancy, so in the end, if they wanted to or not, they would have to plan the future of the band and Louis’ career around it. And even if Magee and Griffiths would decide to be special assholes about it, which, Louis was sure they were gonna do their best, Simon wouldn't ever let them do anything that would bring harm to him or the baby. 

So, that really wasn't the problem …

“Okay, like, great. I believe you so far — none of this would be a real problem in those regards. But, I really don't think I want to be pregnant, mum. It’s nothing I ever wanted for myself and I still don’t. The thought of growing a baby inside me for another seven months … it creeps me out, honestly. I’m not made for this, I don't think.“

This time his mum looked at him as if she was torn between laughing and crying. Her grip on her glass tightened. “Louis, you are terrified and that is so normal. I mean, it is certainly hard to deal with a pregnancy the first time round — your body will change, your opinions will change, your view on life altogether will change, but what do you expect? You know the amazing thing about it, though? You can live with it and you can even learn to love it. Your body and brain and entire being were made for carrying babies and even if it is all strange right this very second, soon enough you will be so fascinated with everything that is going on and I promise you, it will be the greatest journey of your entire life. You can take my word for that.“ She pauses, a frown etching its way onto her face. “But — if you are one hundred percent sure you cannot handle being pregnant, that it will make you feel weird about yourself, that you will suffer, that you will hate it from start to finish, then I won’t ever expect of you to carry this baby to term; you have to know that! If you can find it in you, though, to even be the tiniest bit excited, the tiniest bit happy, that’s all you need. That’s all you need, because it tells you that even thought you are so afraid and uncertain now, you already developed some feelings for the little thing inside you and that’s all you need to get you through the next months.“

Louis was biting his lip hard. His fork lay forgotten on his fruit platter, his hands instead occupied fiddling with the brochures, leaving them crinkled and frayed. He only stopped when Jay put a warm hand over his. He looked up at her, feeling his eyes widen and, to his horror, filling with tears.

“I don’t know, mum. I don't know what I feel; how to feel. Like, obviously the thought of — killing this baby, it’s not an easy one. But, just thinking about walking around pregnant while I’m always in the spotlight, while everyone will know I’m gay, it’s nothing I would ever want. It terrifies me so much.“ His voice trembled.

“That’s understandable, darling, but you cannot think about it like that. You cannot let your fear of the media and paparazzi decide for you wether you want to have this baby or not. There are ways to avoid contact with the media, at least for the most part. I will personally ensure this, if I have to. Apart from that, it’s true that you would have to come out, though. I didn't think you would hate the idea so much, considering how hard you and Harry have fought for this in the last years.“

Louis sniffled. “I don't hate the idea of coming out — I’m all for it, honestly. I just didn't think it would happen like this; I thought I had time to prepare myself and I thought … I thought I would have Harry by my side.“ And at those words, he really couldn't help the choked sob that escaped his throat. Jay was out of her chair and beside him in an instant, embracing him tightly and cooing into his ear in a way only a mother can.

“So, that’s where the real problem lies, isn't it? Harry.“

His only response was an uncertain shrug with his shoulders, even though they both knew Jay was right on point.

“Louis, honey, I can only repeat what I told you before. Talk to the boy. Whatever it is, there must be a way to solve those issues. Imagine how happy you could be — Harry loves babies and I know he loves you!“

“I really don't think that is true any longer, mum,“ Louis mumbles, barely audible.

\- - - 

Later that day, Louis was sitting on the porch while the rest of his family played board games in the living room. His sisters begged him to play, but he felt like he should finally really organise his thoughts and make a decision. While doing so, he probably shouldn't be thinking about having the baby in terms of pro and contra, but honestly, it seemed like the only way to measure which decision would be the right one.

He should just listen to his heart, presumably — the thing is, it’s the most confused part of his body right now. He was feeling desperate and unsure and terrible for even the thought of killing his baby, but he also was so afraid and hopeless when he thought about spending the next months on tour, constantly surrounded by Harry and the fans and the media; being pregnant all along the way. 

But in the end, killing the baby was always the biggest and most obvious contra on his mental list. It was hard, trying to figure out how he felt for the baby, but then again, the thought of aborting it, of never seeing it, never meeting it, never getting to know it — that really scared him more than the thought of going through with the pregnancy until the very end. Which, he honestly didn't expect that. Maybe his mum was right and he would learn to cope with being pregnant and all the changes that brought along better than he could hope now. Anyway, he shouldn't be so selfish about this, should he? It was after all not the baby’s fault that it was inside him — that was his mistake, and it shouldn't have to suffer because of that. 

So, yeah, he could live with being pregnant, probably, maybe. He should at least try … 

There was still Harry, though. Harry, who clearly had some major problems with him; Harry, who didn't seem overly enthusiastic about starting a family with him now (or ever); Harry, who simply didn't care anymore. How would he survive being pregnant right next to Harry but without having him? It would destroy him, sooner or later. It had made him sick before he even knew about the baby and there wouldn't change anything now — why would it. In the end Harry would only stay with him because of this baby and he sure as hell didn't want Harry in his life out of pity or because he felt responsible. That would ruin him.

Aside from Harry, there was the tour and all the stress and obligations that came with it and that he had to consider — meeting fans, playing a concert every second night, spending hours on end in the bus or on planes and in hotel rooms all around the world. Even if his mum had a point that some things could be adjusted for his and the baby’s well-being, it still wasn't the kind of environment one wanted to be pregnant in. The added trouble of the paparazzi chasing them and the bothersome media thrown into the mix made Louis feel hot and cold all over. 

They would be relentless after receiving the news of his pregnancy. 

He could just imagine the tabloid articles about his ‘child out of wedlock’, about what an ‘irresponsible idol’ he was being for getting knocked up like this in the middle of the tour. Not to mention all the speculation about the father, of course. Harry would be brought into it over and over again (justifiably) and Louis was more than sure it would kill whatever pieces were left of their relationship in no time at all. 

So. 

That was the situation at hand.

That was his list, if one might call it that.

Reasons why a termination might be a way, and reasons against that.

The cold wind rustled his hair and Louis sighed in surrender. He knew the most obvious solution lay right in front of him, that maybe it was the best one to help him with all of his problems at once.

Only, going this step was so incredibly hard.

\- - - 

He talked with his mum two days later, his hands shaking while he was drying up the dishes she handed him after scrubbing them clean. It was such a calming routine nowadays. 

Jay was talking about some distant relative or another who had gotten a job offer in Belgium, but Louis wasn't really listening, to lost in his own thoughts, trying to find the words he wanted to say to her that would not only decide his future, but those of so many other people as well. 

“Lou, are you even listening to what I’m saying?“ Jay asked then, an inquiring smile on her lips. She handed him a cup to dry off.

Louis shrugs. “I’ve been thinking — about, you know.“ 

Instead of stopping her actions and going into serious-talking-mode, his mum just nodded and continued her task. He was thankful for it, as it was much easier this way. It still took him minutes to form a sentence.

“I think I know what to do. It’s not an optimal decision, but I think it is the right one for everyone involved. Please don't question me on it, because — this is the only conclusion I can come to that doesn't make me feel like the worst human being, but it still makes me feel pretty terrible. I don't even know.“ His shoulders slump. This was supposed to go differently. He was supposed to be sure, god damn it!

Jay put down her dishcloth, apparently noticing his torn position, and turned her body his way. “Alright, honey, I promise I won’t question you on your decision, not ever if you wish, but you have to answer this one thing first: Are you one hundred percent sure you can live with whatever will come out of your mouth in a moment? Are you sure you won’t regret this in a few weeks, or months, or years, even?“

Louis swallowed hard and, instead of looking at his mum, dried off some more forks to occupy his hands. To be honest, he knew he could live with this decision — knew it as soon as it popped into his head. It would be bloody hard, no doubt, but it wouldn't kill him and he knew this was the way to go. 

So, he slowly nodded his head.

“Yes. Yes, it’s the right one. I’m sure.“ He gave a short, choked laugh. His heart was beating out of his chest. “It’s still not easy, though. But I will get used to it.“

His mum gave him a small smile in response. “Well, I’m glad. So, lay it on me, darling. I’m ready for whatever and I promise I will have your back, whatever you do.“

“Thank you, mum.“ He took a deep breath. “So, I decided that I’m going to have the baby.“

He could see the way his mum’s face lit up at his statement, how she pressed her shaking hands to her heart, and he would smile with her, knowing how glad she must be that an abortion was off the table, but there was more he had to say first. 

“But, for that I will quit the band.“

Getting it out of his mouth and in the open felt like a punch in the stomach and taking a deep breath after being under water for too long equally. It hurt a shit ton, but it was damn freeing as well.

“Oh my!“ Jay said and Louis could see how caught of guard she was at this unexpected declaration. “I didn't see that one coming, boo, I have to admit. I’m — well, a little speechless.“ She searched for a bit of support on the kitchen counter, but still offered up an honest smile. “I’m happy, though, that you decided like this. I wouldn't ever want for you to do something like this if you weren't absolutely sure, but I think you made a really adult decision and I’m proud. And, as promised, I won't question you further on this — this is all on you.“

Louis bit his lip. “So, you are okay with this?“ 

“Of course I am. Whatever makes you happy and whatever you think is the best.“

“You know what this decision implies, though, don't you?“

“Well,“ Jay hesitated and Louis could clearly see when she realised that only leaving the band wasn't everything there was to the plan. Her brows furrowed.

“I mean, going through with this plan implies that I’m going to cut all ties permanently, mum. With everything concerning One Direction. I will never go on a stage again, never sing our songs again, never do a meet and greet again, never write any music for any album again, never accept any award again.“ He paused, weaponing himself for his next words. “And I will also not ever search for contact with the boys again. I won’t ever see Harry again, which, you know, it doesn't make that much of a difference, seeing that he doesn't care anyway.“ He tried to seem indifferent, but he was sure his mum saw right through his facade. “And I also don't want any contact with the other boys. I wan’t no contact at all to anything that ever had any remote connection to One Direction. In short, I want to drop of the face of earth, give birth to this baby and be happy about it — just like that. If I do this, I just want to be a dad, I think. I want to do my very best at that. And I feel like this is the only way I can accomplish this.“

The way his mum looked at him conveyed a lot. For example, that she thought his plan had a lot of flaws, which was probably accurate. “Louis, honey,“ she started, her voice careful, but Louis held his hands up in the air, stopping her right away.

“You promised not to question me. Please,“ he begged with a quiet voice. “I know this isn't optimal, but it’s the only thing I can live with right here and right now. Maybe I’ll change my view in a few months — about seeing the boys and having regular contact to Harry. But, this very moment, I just can’t do it any other way.“

Silence fell over the kitchen.

Louis felt useless, standing there waiting for whatever. He grabbed the dishtowel again, before realising his mum hadn't scrubbed any more dishes. So, dropping the cloth again, he made a beeline for the kettle and switched it on, preparing two mugs of tea. Tea was always a good option.

Finally, Jay spoke up again. “Alright, great. As I said before, I have your back, forever and always. Do what you have to do, as long as it doesn't harm you in the long run.“ Her posture got more relaxed, then, and she approached him with open arms. “I think we can figure everything out as we go. For the moment, I’m just really excited to become a grandma.“ And as she said it, she enclosed him in a tight hug of warmth and flowery perfume. “Love you, boo.“

Louis couldn't hold back the relieved sigh he had held onto. He was glad his mum didn't insist on talking everything through and, in the process, point out all the things he didn't consider or should plan better or just completely cross out. He just fell into the hug and enjoyed the closeness, happy that him and his mum were like this even after all the years they spent mainly apart from each other.

“Love you, too, mum. Thanks so much.“

\- - -


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I'm so sorry for the long wait, but sadly, life got in the way of writing. I don't know if I like this chapter or not, like, I think there are some good parts in there, but ... Well, anyway, I really wanted to get this finally out to you. I hope you don't think things are moving too slow, I just want to keep it realistic, to be honest. Sorry for any mistakes, I only read this through once.
> 
> Please enjoy reading!  
> Julia x

Louis sat quietly in the brightly painted waiting room, his hands tangled in his lap. He was chewing on his bottom lip nervously, so much so that he was drawing a bit of blood, which finally prompted him to stop. He was glad the room was empty except for him so no one was able to witness him fret. 

He didn't want for his mum to accompany him, even though she offered countless times. Truth was, this was his first visit to the OB/GYN in forever and the first one solely based on the child in his tummy and he just felt that he needed this time for himself. He didn't want his mum’s excitement or happiness overshadow his real feelings about this baby. 

Like, in the last days at his family’s house he became pretty certain that everything he decided had been right. And he truly felt like he could love this baby, that he could cherish and adore it in the utmost ways. But still, he didn't want anyone to influence these feelings in any way.

So, he had to do this visit, at least this very first one, on his own — not matter how scared he was.

It was then that a nurse dressed in a simple white uniform entered the room. She was an older woman, with greying hair and crinkles by her eyes which alluded to the impression that she was laughing much and often.

“Mr. Tomlinson, if you would follow me please? Dr. Morgan is ready for you now.“

Louis stood up quickly, nodding, before walking after her like she asked him to. He really liked this clinic so far, mostly because it was decorated very homely and didn't give off the typical hospital-vibe. He enjoyed that very much. 

Soon enough they entered a room at the end of the corridor and he was immediately greeted by a young man who couldn't be older than 30 years. Louis was a little perplexed, since he thought his OB/GYN would be a woman, but after all, what did it matter?

“Good morning, Mr. Tomlinson,“ the doctor said, standing up to shake Louis’ hand. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Caleb Morgan. Please, have a seat.“

Louis did as he was told, while almost shyly returning the friendly greeting. 

“So, from what I’ve gathered from the information you gave us before your visit today, you are in the beginning stages of pregnancy and in search of an OB/GYN to attend to you during those exciting times. Is that correct?“ 

Dr. Morgan smiled at him in a relaxed manner and Louis took a deep breath and forced himself to be calm. There really was no reason to be so jittery as he was save here, save and protected. These people were supposed to help him through the next months. He should just cast his worries aside and trust them. 

“Yes, it is.“

“Well, then I guess I should at first offer my congratulations,“ Dr. Morgan said, voice deep and smile ever-present as he picked up a pen. “Now, prior to beginning with any examinations and tests, I will have to ask you some questions, which, I admit, are in some cases very intimate. I assure you, though, that every word you say in this room will stay between the two of us. This clinic relies on its confidentiality and you can rest easily; no information or picture will ever find its way to the media since you're a client. I hope this settles you a bit, seeing that a person of your status and fame gets easily, and rightfully, paranoid over such things.“

At this, Louis had to grin a bit. He had wondered if a doctor as young as Dr. Morgan would know who exactly he is and apparently, he did. “Thanks, Doctor. I’ll try my best to not question the honesty of every person in this place. I do admit that it’s hard to trust people nowadays.“

“Then I hope you will learn to trust us in here. It would certainly help a big deal if you were as honest and open as possible with me from the very beginning. This way I can offer you the best care throughout your whole pregnancy. And since we are at the topic of honesty — shall we start with the questions?“

Obviously, Louis didn't exactly want the doctor to prod through his private affairs, but he wanted to get this stuff over with so he showed himself cooperative and nodded. 

It was just like back in the US. After countless questions, most like the ones he had to answer before, he felt like the red colour in his cheeks wouldn't vanish for days to come. It had been hard enough to talk about sex with a female doctor, but doing so with a male was still worse somehow. Not only that, he also had to tell Dr. Morgan how his first examination went down and he felt so stupid now, in front of this basically strange man, about how he had acted back then. He felt vulnerable telling him that he hadn't even dared to look at the ultrasound screen and that he didn't even want to carry the baby to full term until a few days ago.

Dr. Morgan, of course, was very professional. He never once looked at him in a judging or disapproving way, not even when he asked after the father of the baby and Louis told him openly that the responsible one didn't know of this child and never would, if Louis could prevent it. The doctor was, all in all, very understanding and kind.

Still, it were some terribly embarrassing and soul-baring twenty minutes of intruding questions.

“Alright, Mr. Tomlinson, that is quite enough for now,“ were the words the doctor finally ended his inquisition with. He pushed his notes and pen away and turned his gaze upon Louis. “I would like to perform an ultrasound scan now and, as I mentioned during one of the questions already, I also think it wise to examine you internally, take a pap test and an internal ultrasound, which provides a lot more profound information during the first months of pregnancy. I know this isn't pleasant for most men, but I would advise you do it anyway. Still, it is up to you entirely, in the end. I suggest we’ll talk about it after the standard examination.“

Louis swallowed with difficulty, feeling overwhelmed once again. Honestly, a normal ultrasound scan would leave him distraught enough as it is, considering he couldn't even bring himself to look at his baby the last time he had one. He didn't expect himself to cope at all well with an internal examination. At least not today.

He went over to the table Dr. Morgan directed him to with shaking legs and lay down as comfortable as possible on the smooth surface. He pulled his shirt up just like the doctor asked him to. The ultrasound machine was already powered up and Louis barely even flinched when the cold gel was squeezed onto his belly. 

“So, since you had a scan already you know that it will take a small while to find the baby,“ Dr. Morgan spoke up as he pressed the ultrasound stick to Louis belly, smearing the gooey gel all over it. “I want you to look this time, though, Mr. Tomlinson,“ he added with a warm smile.

“Can you please call me Louis?“ Louis blurted out then. He was a mess already and it really didn't help that he felt like he had to act even more responsible and adult-y when he was addressed with his last name constantly. 

Dr. Morgan still chuckled, serene since the moment Louis entered the room. “No problem, Louis. I prefer being on a first name basis with my patients, anyway, as it makes the long journey to birth far more comfortable. So, please feel free to call me Caleb.“

Louis nodded, distracted again. He brought his left hand to his mouth, unconsciously biting at his thumb nail while he waited for Dr. Morgan — Caleb — to find the little ball of black and white fuzz on the screen that supposedly was his baby. He had felt more sure of himself when he first entered this clinic; now he felt just as emotional and messy in the head as back in the US when he first learned of the existence of this baby.

He hadn't even looked at the first sonogram picture yet. It was still hidden somewhere deep down in his suitcase and he suddenly felt really bad about it. He didn't even show his mum …

“There it is,“ Caleb exclaimed and effectively cut off Louis’ train of thought as he stopped moving the wand around. “Take a look, Louis.“ 

And, after taking a deep breath, Louis blinked his eyes open, not even sure when exactly he pressed them shut, and focused on the screen. He saw a lot of white blurring, and in the white blurring a black hole, and in the black hole more white … stuff. Stuff Caleb was now pointing his finger on. “Here is your baby. It doesn't look like much now, it’s honestly hard to take a good look at a 10 week old foetus. There are only a few angles which make them look like an actual human being and it’s not easy to catch one so early on. That’s one of the reasons an internal exam would give a lot clearer information on how the baby is doing in there …“ 

Louis was barely listening. He was still staring at the screen, his eyes fixed and unblinking and honestly, he was shell-shocked. Like, yeah, there wasn't all that much human to see on that fuzzy screen, but still — that was his baby. Weird as it may look right now, it was actually there, right in him, just centimetres under his skin and muscle and … and it was his baby. Living and growing inside him, slowly getting ready to come out and meet him and conquer the whole world. 

“I — I — that is. Wow,“ Louis stuttered out, voice thin. He wanted to move closer to the screen, wanted to see his baby up close, wanted to see more, wanted, wanted. He just — this was honestly so much, too much, but it was also so unbelievable and wonderful and heartwarming and … 

He couldn't stop staring.

Caleb didn't continue his talking, seemingly realising Louis didn't pay any attention to him anyway. Only when Louis had to blink, had to turn his head away to inconspicuously wipe away some of the tears that escaped him against his will, did the doctor freeze the screen and press some buttons Louis knew nothing off.

“Do you want to hear the heartbeat?“ 

Goddamn! Louis was still trying to cope with the first glances of his baby he just got, the sound of the heartbeat very well might end him. Still, he nodded decidedly. Now that he had a piece of it, he suddenly seemed to want it all.

Caleb nodded, and, after he readjusted the stick and flipped a switch at the machine, the room was filled with loud, fast, fluttering sounds from one moment to the next. “Sounds strong and healthy,“ the doctor explained upon Louis confused stare. “Don’t worry, Louis, it is supposed to be that fast. It will slow down in the next few months but only become normal once the baby is born. I promise, everything looks pretty perfect so far.“

Louis nodded, reassured, and then didn't do anything but listen to the heartbeat of his baby; getting used to it, no — falling in love with it way to fast and way to hard and entirely irrevocably. He never expected this to happen, but also knew he couldn't turn this around. He didn't want to, either. An hour ago he still doubted if he could really go through with this whole pregnancy, if he would even feel anything but confusion and obligation whenever he thought about the baby. 

And now, all that was out the window.

He was so attached already and maybe he didn't plan for any of this to happen, but it did and he — he wouldn't have it any other way.

After a while, Caleb turned to sound off again, taking the stick from Louis’ tummy and instead handing him some wet wipes, which he gratefully used to clean himself up. 

“So, Louis, how about that internal exam?“ Caleb asked out of the blue and the happiness Louis felt a second ago fell off him in an instant. 

It was just — it was such an absurd thought that any man, any man at all but Harry would ever touch him down there and it hit him with all the subtly of a punch to the jaw. He couldn't do this, not now, not when he still felt so raw in every aspect, not when every piece of him still belonged to Harry, not when his innocence and every orgasm he ever had and every gentle touch and every bit of intimacy he ever experienced belonged to Harry.

He just — couldn’t do this, not like this.

Of course, he understood how important this examination was for his baby, but — Caleb himself had said that everything was looking healthy as can be and …

Louis just needed a little bit longer, needed to try a little bit harder to push every thought of Harry from his mind, from his body, from his heart. For once and all.

“Would it be — is it possible to do the internal examination the next time? Like — I just, I — maybe that would just be too much today.“ Louis twined his hands, feeling insecure and out of his mind with guilt. He was letting his baby down already as it seemed. 

He didn't want to harm it, not after everything he just felt during the ultrasound scan, but … he also couldn't handle to harm himself anymore. When he thought too long about it he felt like an absolute wreck and it was largely due to Harry and his absence from his life and the fact that he would have to spent the rest of it without him, too.

Louis knew he was overly dramatic at times and he was prone to blowing things out of proportion but he … he had the right to mourn the loss of the love of his life. He was allowed to feel lost and alone and fucking desperate.

And, dammit, he just needed a little to clear his mind.

“That is no problem, don't worry. Since everything was looking absolutely fine today, there is no harm in postponing the internal to your next appointment. We should just get one in before your 15th week, but there is still some time, yes?“ 

Louis nodded, thankful. Next time, then. Next time he could do it, surely. 

“There is nothing much left to say now, then. I will print out the sonogram pictures and then you can schedule a new appointment with Maggie before you go, does that sound alright?“

\- - - 

Louis knew he had to go to London rather sooner than later to have a talk with management. After all, their break didn't last forever and someday he would be expected back at the studio writing and recording songs with the other boys. He should be fair and at least give all of them a head’s up so they could plan ahead with him out of the picture.

So, after he returned from his trip to the OB/GYN and had yet another talk with him mum over tea and biscuits where he finally showed her the sonogram pictures, the old and new ones, he returned to his room to make a call.

As always when he tried to get a hold of Griffiths or Magee they couldn't be arsed to answer their phones. He wasn't that surprised, as he knew they tended to avoid him. Mainly because he would only ever call to complain about all the restrictions that were put on him regarding Harry and the portrayal of his sexuality in the public. He stopped trying after the second call to both of their private phones and instead searched for the number of Magee’s secretary. He was already at the end of his patience with these guys, honestly. He really wouldn't miss this at all.

“Hello, you’ve reached Modest! Management, Mr. Magee’s office. This is Linda speaking, how may I help you?“ The voice on the other end of the line was clipped and professional.

“Hi Linda, Louis Tomlinson here. I’d like to talk to your boss, please. He has neglected to answer my calls to his private phone, so …“ Louis respond as politely as possible.

There was a short pause, before Linda replied. “I’m sorry, Mr. Tomlinson, but I’m afraid Mr. Magee is in a meeting right now and I don't know how much longer it will take. He could surely call you back later or sometime this week.“

The statement was such obvious bullshit that Louis couldn't help but scoff. “Listen, Linda, dear“, he began, voice eerily calm and sweet. “I would really like to speak to Mr. Magee right now, not sometime this week. I don't care what kind of made-up excuses you give me, you better tell him to call me back in ten minutes flat or, I assure you, he will have some serious issues on his hands when I turn to Twitter instead. Are we clear?“

And before the secretary could confirm, he hung up.

Jesus fuck, how he hated that arrogant son of a bitch! And Griffiths, too. He really wouldn't miss dealing with his insufficient management team at all. They could go to hell, for all he cared.

Unsurprisingly, Magee called him back exactly nine minutes later, sounding annoyed and short-tempered as always. Louis didn't expand much on his issues, just saved himself an appointment for a meeting the next evening.

Well.

So far so good.

\- - - 

Obviously, Louis was a wreck on his drive to London. It was not so much the thought of what he was about to do, but more so the thought about what would happen to him if he told Magee and Griffiths. 

Yes, they often enough reminded him that his voice was the weakest and he was the most insignificant member of the band and whatnot, but he guessed they still won’t be happy about his sudden and unexpected leaving. Mostly because they would have a shit ton of negative backlash and publicity to deal with.

Louis felt only bad for doing this to his boys. He really didn't want to drag down their careers with his decision, but he honestly thought this was for the better. Even without including the baby situation, sooner or later Harry and he wouldn't have been able to continue their fucked up relationship and Louis was sure it would have harmed the whole band’s dynamic. Zayn, Niall and Liam would be standing right in the middle of the ruins of Harry and Louis, none of them knowing how to act. And even if they would have broken up civilly and with the promising words of staying “friends“ it all would have been empty words anyway — Louis knew that nothing would ever be as it was before and the music and performance would have been compromised in the long run. And now there was the pregnancy as well, which would fuck everything up even more — from bad press to an overhasty outing (because at a certain point even Modest wouldn't be able to deny anymore) and disappointed fans; it would be a disaster the whole way through. 

So, all things considered, leaving the band was the best he could do for the boys right now. It wouldn't disturb their careers as severely as if everything that happened in Louis’ life right now would be dragged into the public eye. Louis believed in them and their talent to keep going and keep growing and to get out even stronger in the end. He would surely remain their number one fan until the end.

As soon as a secretary (Louis wasn't sure if it was Linda or another one, since no one was wearing name tags) had escorted Louis to the meeting room and served up some beverages, Louis knew he would just state why he was in London in the first place. There was no reason to not cut to the chase immediately. 

He waited until the door was firmly shut behind him and he had the attention of both Magee and Griffiths, as well as some PR lady Louis didn't remember the name of, then opened his mouth to speak.

“Since there is no need to waste any time, I’m just going to tell you directly: I’m going to leave the band and that decision is final.“ He released a breath as soon as the words were out in the open and let his eyes wander over the expressions of the three other people in the room.

They all had similar expressions of shock, outrage and exasperation written all over their faces and Louis had a hard time to hide his satisfied smirk at finally getting some kind of revenge for everything they’ve put him through the last five years.

“Excuse me, but I don't think that is an option,“ the woman finally spoke up, pushing her glasses further up her nose with nervously twitching fingers. 

“Excuse you, yes it is. I’m a free man and I can do as I please. And anyway, I wasn't asking for options or possibilities — I was stating a fact. I am definitely leaving.“

Magee slammed his hands on the conference table, then, his eyebrows furrowed menacingly. “Mr. Tomlinson, as much as you’d like to think you are a free man, you are really not. I have a contract to prove this, actually. You are legally not allowed to leave this band as long as this contract is in effect.“

Louis looked back at the older man not any less dangerously. “Well, I think you better find a quick way out for me, then. You can sue me all you want, honestly, the contract is only valid for another half year anyway so whatever you do and whatever lawyer you put in charge, you won’t be able to get much out of me. And anyway, I’m ready to pay if I must. What I am, however, not ready for is continuing my career with One Direction. I’m fucking done, do you understand?“

Griffiths, who took some deep breaths, seemingly to calm himself down, was the next one to butt in. “May I ask, Mr. Tomlinson, what suddenly brought you to this rash and rather stupid decision?“

“You may not,“ Louis replied with a fake grin, while he folded his hands across his tummy. “There are various personal reasons, none of which I’d like to disclose to you of all people.“ He stopped to think for a second. “Well, I guess there isn't much more to say, actually. I just wanted to convey this important message personally. My lawyers will be in contact with you shortly for all the legal stuff, so try to find a nice and easy way to get me out of this contract, won’t you?“

As Louis stood up to exit the room, Magee seemed intend on following him and really, maybe Louis was a terrible person for it, but it gave him great pleasure to see the people who hurt and tortured him the most over those last years suffer. 

With his hand on the doorknob, Louis threw a glance over his shoulder. “This is goodbye, then. Can’t say I will miss any of you, honestly, since you made me feel miserable so often and thoroughly. I guess it’s safe to say you are another reason I’m leaving all this behind. Can only hope you won’t repeat the mistakes you made with me with future clients … if there will be any.“

He gave one last sarcastic wave and then was out the door, feeling slightly hysterical but relieved as he left the building with sure strides.

He felt no regret in the slightest and maybe that was the best sign telling him he did the right thing.

\- - - 

He called his lawyer while he sat in his car in the parking lot, his fingers drumming on the steering wheel restlessly. He seemed to have a lot of pent-up energy all of a sudden. Mr. Mendes picked up soon enough and after a few words introducing his problems, Louis set up a meeting for the next morning. 

Seeing that it would be unnecessary to drive back to Doncaster now only to return early the next morning Louis decided to stay at his London house. The thought made him more than just uneasy. He couldn't remember the last time he had stayed there and actually felt like he was at home. This house hadn't felt warm and welcoming to him ever since Harry had initiated this distance between them.

Still, with a small sigh and gritted teeth, Louis started the car and drove away from the Modest! Headquarters and back into the stuffed London traffic. His and Harry’s house was a little outside of the town, not smack in the middle — they preferred the privacy and relative quietness of the neighbourhood, the secludedness. It was a place for them to be themselves. 

He arrived in front of the gates a good half an hour later and after rummaging through the backpack he took with him containing his wallet, keys and other things he might need, he grabbed for the remote that would open up the gates and pushed it twice. The large iron gates swung open lazily and Louis swallowed before he pressed on the accelerator and drove up the short driveway.

His eyes wandered over the pretty building before him while he made his way out of the car. It was not too big, as Harry and he never saw a reason to have an overly huge and therefore half-unused house. The walls were painted in a classy white colour, the windows had blue accents, the garden was well looked after and overall it was a really nice place to live in. It was rather perfect and that made everything hurt even more. 

They would have led a fantastic life here, Harry and he, honestly. If just nothing had gone wrong the way it had they could have been happy here until the day they died, Louis was sure of it. Now, all this house held were painful memories of better times, easier times and the promise of a future that would never happen. Not like they planned it, at least.

This house had truly been it, but when Louis looked at it now he knew there was nothing left at all. He might as well sell it, since he wasn't going to spend another day in it ever. This night was absolutely going to be the last one and after … Well, after, maybe another hopeful couple could take their shot with it. Maybe they would succeed in actually getting married and having babies and growing grey and old together. Maybe not everyone would fail as hard and heartbreakingly as he and Harry did. Maybe this house was just waiting for someone else to be happy in it.

As much as Louis would like to avoid having to go in there, he knew he should use this opportunity to go take some important stuff with him and say goodbye. It was a good way to cut his ties in London all at once — he really didn't want to return here.

His steps were heavy on the way up to the front door and he entered the security code, which was still tattooed to the back of his mind, into the number pad with shaky fingers. When the door clicked open Louis expected for a short, ridiculous moment, that Harry would be waiting on the other side — waiting for him, with a dimpled smile on his face and his curls twirled together into a bun, maybe even dressed into one of his frilly aprons and nothing else.

When he pushed the door open, though, he was greeted by nothing but darkness and chilly, dusty air. Shaking his head with a rueful half-smile Louis walked through the rooms. There were so many details Harry and he put together over the years, so much time and love wasted on every single picture frame, every singe throw pillow, every singe table cloth. In the end, none of this had been enough to hold Harry, evidently. 

He coughed drily, the air thick and heavy, and after he toured every empty room he finally made his way to the master bedroom. Not wanting to spend more time then necessary there, he pulled out a suitcase from under the king sized bed and began searching through all the places he knew held things valuable to him. Some essentials, like clothes and additional phone chargers, but mostly personal stuff — all the books and loose sheets and napkins and wrapping papers filled with his jotted down ideas for lyrics or harmonies, all the photo albums filled with pictures meant only for the eyes of people close to him and not the rest of the world, some of the awards which were dear to him, just things like that. He went through all the rooms again, to be sure he didn't miss anything important and then, when he stood at the front door again, with his suitcase packed full and zipped up, he knew there truly was nothing here anymore except some fancy furniture and expensive art pieces and a whole lot of open, bleeding wounds.

Although every part of him screamed to get out of this house now, immediately, he just couldn’t. He said to himself to spend another night here and he was keen on doing just that. In the long run, it would help him to leave all this behind. One last night in the house he had once wanted to spend the rest of his days in … and then he would go and never return.

He left the suitcase by the front door and traipsed into the kitchen, where he searched through the cupboards in the hope of finding something to eat that hadn't been expired for at least two months. In the end he only secured a bag of potato crisps and another one full of gummy bears and, shrugging to himself, he took them with him into the living room. His first instinct was to turn on the telly, but when he thought about it, he honestly couldn't bear to watch some mind numbing show right now.

Opening the crisps and throwing some into his open mouth, he let his head fall back against the sofa and stared at the ceiling. Maybe he shouldn't waste his time … Maybe this was the optimal moment to cut some other ties. 

He got up again with a swift movement and walked over to the shelves next to the TV and entertainment system that held all the movies, games and CDs they had collected over the years. He didn't need to search long to find their very first record — Up All Night. He spent a moment just wistfully staring at the cover and enjoying the smiles on their faces, before he picked out the CD to put it into their music system. He didn't usually listen to their albums but considering what he was planning on doing, he found that there was no soundtrack more fitting.

He needed to say goodbye to his boys. They deserved some last words from him, since he planned to leave them behind just like that and without the intention to ever contact them again. And although Louis didn't think of himself as really eloquent, he thought the best way of doing this was to write some letters. It seemed nearly cliched, but it was the best and most personal thing Louis could come up with. 

Since Harry and he had had the habit to come up with new lyrics whenever and wherever, there were lots of writing pads stashed away underneath the couch table, as well as various pens. Louis took whatever he needed and placed it on the sofa next to him, ready to write his heart out.

Zayn, Liam and Niall deserved some heartfelt apologies and earnest expressions of love after all he had put them through in the past and especially for all he would put them through in the future.

He pressed play on the music system with his bottom lip caught anxiously between his teeth and he couldn't help the tears that sprang to his eyes the moment the first sounds of What Makes You Beautiful started to fill the air. Instantly, he remembered all the times Harry had hummed the melody into his ear late on nights in which Louis would feel especially self-conscious because Management had once again put him down for one reason or another. Harry had been the loveliest human being back then. 

“That’s your daddy singing right there,“ he mumbled, out of the blue and surprising himself, while his fingers slowly inched over his stomach. He never before had talked to the baby inside him and it felt strange and weird and absurdly fulfilling all the same, so he just continued to let the words flow out of his mouth. “You will probably hate me for never telling him about you and you can, really. I’m such a coward and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I’m such a weak person. But I promise I will do my very best to make sure you have the best life. I will love you even though —“ He couldn't help the choked gasp that made its way out of his mouth while tears dripped down his cheeks. “Even though I wasn't even sure if I would be able to ever love you. But I do. I really do and I’m sorry I ever doubted it. I’m sorry I ever even thought about ki— killing you. I hope you can forgive me. You mean so much to me already and it honestly scares me, but I will do everything I can to make sure you are okay and happy and save. I promise you.“

He sniffled lowly, both of his hands now firmly pressed to his stomach. There wasn't much to feel as of now, his bump practically non-existent, but the thought alone that his child was somewhere in there made his heart beat faster. 

It took Louis nearly half of the first album to order his thoughts enough to finally take pen and paper and with trembling breathing he started to address his first letter to Zayn. 

\- - - 

Hours later, after he listened to every single record they made and after he ate the whole bag of crisps and all the gummy bears, Louis felt like he had nothing left to give. He wrote every single feeling of regret, desperation and fear into the letters which now lay before him, carefully folded and ready to be sent off. He just hoped that he could make himself understood and that Zayn, Liam and Niall would somehow find it in them to not hate him for abandoning them like this. 

He never in a million years expected that they would ever go their separate ways like that.

Louis blinked rapidly, feeling tired and drained as he stared at the one nearly blank page that was left, the words ‘Dear Harry’ written in scrawly script at the top the only thing marring the white sheet. Burying his head in his hands, Louis took some exhausted deep breaths. 

Writing his heart and soul out and onto the other three letters had already been hard enough and he felt consumed. There was not a single thing left that Louis could think of saying to Harry. Except maybe sorry — sorry that he hadn't been enough after all, sorry that everything had to end this way, sorry that he couldn't be stronger. Just sorry for all that he was planning on doing, for not telling him about the baby and therefore excluding him from his own child’s life. Sorry that he couldn't see another way but the one he was going.

His hand was shaking when he set the pen to the paper.

\- - - 

Dear Harry,

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for leaving you like this, with nothing but this pathetic letter, but I have a feeling that it might be easier for us this way. I know that you don't feel about me like you used to and even though there is literally nothing in this world that hurts more than finally realising this, I do understand you. You are young and beautiful and such a good person and you have every right to want to enjoy your life, without me restraining you. I really haven't ever wanted to hold you back and I didn't want you to resent me like you probably do now. I truly love you and I’m sorry that I haven't been enough, that I didn't try harder to be what you wanted and needed. But I also feel like I shouldn't have to. There was a time when everything between us just fit and maybe there is a reason that nowadays, it isn't like this anymore. Maybe we were only ever meant to last a few years. Maybe we were only ever meant for a short, passionate love story, but I’m still sorry that our future had to end before it even began. I’m sorry we never got to walk down the streets holding hands and I’m sorry we never had the chance to kiss in front of a thousand people while singing our songs on one of those big stages and I’m especially sorry that I couldn't ever walk down the aisle toward you. I really would have loved that, Harry. 

I’m sorry we couldn't make it work and I’m sorry it took me so long to let you go. You really deserve the world, so go on and take it.

Love always, Louis

\- - - 

When the front door fell shut behind Louis the next morning, it really did feel final. 

His right hand clutched onto the handle of the suitcase for hold and there were three letters tucked into the inside of his coat. When he read over the lines he wrote for Harry again this morning, he couldn't help but shake his head when he realised how honest every single word was meant. He was about to take the letter, too, to send it to Harry, but then he remembered that he didn't know where Harry was or lived. This house was supposed to be his home. 

Louis had no idea where Harry spent his days and nights now, so he wouldn't know where to send such a personal letter. Maybe he could have searched for the address of someone close to Harry, but the fear of people like Nick Grimshaw reading about his broken heart (because Harry’s friends had always been nosey like that) made a sudden urge to vomit rise in Louis’ gut. He could have given it to one of the other boys, but in the end he decided to just leave it right where he wrote it — in the middle of the cluttered coffee table in the hope that, if Harry ever returned to this house, he would find it. 

His steps were heavy as he made his way to the car and it took him nearly 20 minutes of longing staring, before he was able to start the car, make a turn and speed out of the opened gate. He made sure to lock it behind him and drove away with silent tears in his eyes.

\- - - 

The meeting with Mr. Mendes was, thankfully, a quick one. The older male, white-haired and exceptionally friendly and quirky for a successful lawyer, offered him hot tea and freshly baked biscuits. He had obviously worked long into the night, as he had already made himself familiar with all the important clauses in Louis’ contract with Modest. 

“It won’t be easy, of course, Louis,“ the man admitted when the meeting came to an end. He had his hands folded before him on the table and gazed at Louis rather earnestly. “And I can’t promise that you will get out of this thing without some monetary losses. But I assure you that I will get you out of this before long and then you are a free man.“

Louis couldn't help but smile at the lawyers honest positivity. “Thank you so much, Mr. Mendes. I really had hoped you would have a good plan up your sleeve and once again you didn't disappoint me. I’m really grateful!“

“That’s my job, Louis. You know I’m always glad to help. Now I will have to get ready for an afternoon appointment in court, but I will keep you updated. Just don’t do anything that would conflict with your contract right now, as that would make everything harder than it needs to be, alright?“

“Understood, Mr. Mendes. Thanks again!“

Minutes later, Louis left the fancy glass building and stepped into the streets of London. It was a nice day and his spirits were really lifted after this pleasant meeting. He felt like taking a walk and just enjoy the rare sunbeams that were lighting up the pavements. The danger of getting recognised were immensely high in such a young and populated city, so he made his way to the car with his head lowered and sunglasses pushed over his eyes. 

As he drove through the city for what felt like the last time for the foreseeable future, sadness overcame him. London had been his favourite place since he could think and even travelling practically the whole world never changed that. He really wanted to come here again, under different circumstances and with a lighter heart and he couldn't wait for that day.

\- - - 

It took only one day back in Doncaster before his phone started to ring. A glance at the caller ID told him that it was Liam trying to reach him, but Louis promised himself he wouldn't answer. He really, really promised since that was obviously the first step in his plan to cut all ties. 

He was able to resist for more than four hours of constant vibrating, before his finger slid over the screen to answer the call. He never even actively made the decision.

“What the hell, Louis! What the bloody fucking hell!“ Liam rarely ever lost it, but maybe it was justified in this case, Louis thought as he held the phone away from his ear to get away from Liam’s hysterical screaming. “Are you kidding me? What do you think you’re doing? You can’t just quit like that and you sure as all hell can’t leave without saying a proper goodbye. What were you even thinking? Are you insane?“

“I’m sorry,“ was Louis’ meek reply and he felt he had said and written those words so often in the last few days that they had lost all meaning.

“What even happened, Louis? Why didn't you talk to us? I’m sure we can find a solution for everything. Just, please don't cut yourself off like this. You can’t do this to me, to us. Think about Zayn. For god’s sake, think about Harry!“

“That’s all i ever do, Li. Thinking about you, about Harry. It’s all I do all day long and it’s tearing me apart. But … I can’t come back. I can’t tell you why exactly but I want you to know how fucking sorry I am, okay?“

“No! No, it’s not okay. Lou, you are my brother. How do you expect me to just go on with my life if I don’t know where you are or how you do or if you are alright. Look, like, if you don't want to be in the band anymore that’s okay, you don't have to. But you can’t just leave us and not return.“

There was a pause, apparently neither of them sure how to continue. Louis was at a loss for words and Liam seemed to have too many to know where to start. 

“Where are you? At your mum’s house? I will come and we can talk it all over, okay? Please Louis!“

Louis didn't even realise he was crying until he opened his mouth and felt salty tears fall onto his tongue. He exhaled shakily, before he responded with his voice as strong as he was capable of.

“I’m leaving, Liam. Honestly, I’m not stupid, I won’t stay here where everyone will come looking first. I meant it, that I don’t want any contact. I know you probably hate me for that and I’m sorry, Li, I’m so sorry. It has nothing to do with you or Niall or Zayn, but I just can’t stay and I can’t continue and I really, really can’t bear to face any of you. I’m ashamed because I know I’m weak for leaving like this, with nothing more than a fucking letter, but I hope you can believe me when I say that I’m truly sorry and that I wish you all the best and that I love you like a brother.“

He could hear how Liam choked out a sob at the other end of the line, how he geared up to argue; how he wanted to persuade Louis to rethink his decision. Louis let out a shuddery breath, his whole body trembling from how much everything about this conversation had hurt.

Then, he pressed the red button and Liam’s desperate cries died away, along with a part of Louis’ heart. There was only one thing replaying over and over in his mind: he had to leave his mum’s place and find a home for himself and fast.

It was only a matter of hours before one of the boys or, even worse, all of them would show up here and that was something that he couldn't let happen. He would never be able to go, then. 

\- - -


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear readers! :)
> 
> Look how fast I was this time, yeay! Hopefully the chapter isn't lacking because of that, because I tried my best as always! I want to once again thank all of you who read and comment and give kudos! I can't believe this story is getting so much good feedback, it really means a lot! 
> 
> For now, enjoy reading!  
> Julia x

Jay was appropriately shocked when Louis crashed into the kitchen twenty minutes later, out of breath, hair messy and with a duffle bag over his shoulder.

“What is going on, honey?“ Her tone was wary and when she walked towards him, Louis kind of felt reminded of his childhood days. Jay used to approach him like that when she knew he did something he shouldn't have done and wanted him to confess to it.

“I have to leave,“ Louis admitted. “Like, when I was in London and met up with management to let them know about my decision, I wrote the boys some letters to explain the situation to them as well. And … I guess I didn't think that through, because Liam just called me and they all are obviously upset and they know I’m here so I think they will come looking for me and … I can’t face them, mum. Not without telling them everything and that would ruin everything and I can’t let that happen. So, I need to leave right now.“

Jay huffed, her expression entirely unamused. “Don’t act stupid, Lou. You really should talk to them. Don't you think they deserve a real explanation, face to face? And where would you even go?“

Louis pressed his eyes shut as he tried to fight against the panic that was rising in his chest. “I don't know mum, I don't know. But I can’t stay, okay?“ He couldn't help but sound a bit hysterical.

When he opened his eyes again, he noticed the worried expression on Jay’s face. She even bit on her bottom lip nervously and Louis always knew that he inherited that habit from her.

“Boo, even if I wanted to let you go, I don't think it wise that you drive anywhere in the condition you’re in. Look, you’re shaking all over. Please just — sit down for a second and I will call Dan. He can drive you to a hotel nearby where you can stay for a few nights while we search for a more long-term solution. I would drive you myself but I have to get dinner ready and the little twins need their baths beforehand.“

Heaving a breath, Louis nodded in surrender. His mum was probably right. If he drove in the state he was in, chances were high that he would crash his car at the next junction and that was something he really couldn't afford doing while he was carrying a baby.

Jay returned with Dan on her heels around ten minutes later. She didn't look happy at all, but seemed to realise that there was no point in arguing with Louis now. Instead, she pulled him into a tight hug and muttered into his ear, telling him about the hotel he should stay at, since she had been there before and found it to be quite charming. Louis mumbled his thanks in reply.

Then, he took his duffle bag and followed Dan out to the car. 

They spent the drive in silence apart from the music coming from the stereo. Louis knew that Dan knew about his situation, as Jay had told Louis she didn't feel quite well in having such a big secret from Dan. It was okay with Louis, anyway, since he trusted Dan and liked him rather a lot. But he was thankful that the man chose to not say anything now, since Louis hadn't any mind to hold a conversation.

They arrived in front of the ‘Loftsome Bridge Coaching House’ about forty minutes later. It was located in Wressle, a small town in the East Riding of Yorkshire, and looked actually very welcoming. It was nothing overly fancy, but that wasn't what Louis wanted anyway. This country style hotel would do just fine.

“Thank you for driving me here, Dan, and I’m sorry for all the inconveniences. I hope you'll be able to enjoy some quiet days now that I’m out of the house for the time being,“ Louis said with a tired smile as he turned to grab his duffle from the backseat. 

Dan’s voice was gruff when he answered. “Don’t be silly, Louis, you're never an inconvenience and we are always happy to have you. Now, go and savour some time for yourself here and when you come back we figure out the rest, alright?“ 

Louis nodded with a small smile on his lips and happily let Dan press a kiss to his forehead. 

\- - - 

Luckily, he was able to snatch a room right away. The older man with grey hair and tired eyes at the reception desk obviously didn't recognise him when he jotted down the fake name Louis always gave in hotels or clubs when he wanted to disappear for a bit of alone time.

He got a room with a nice view, a moderately sized balcony and a tub and that was really all he could ask for. With a loud groan he let himself fall backward onto the bed, which was surprisingly comfy, and after he searched around on the nightstands for a bit and found the remote he turned on the TV to some cooking show or another. 

It was barely even seven o’ clock in the evening and he didn't even have dinner yet, but as he lay there and mindlessly watched Jamie Oliver hacking up vegetables he found himself getting drowsy rather quickly. 

\- - - 

When Louis woke up from his slumber, he wasn't able to say how much time had gone by. It was dark outside and the TV seemed to have turned off itself, probably due to some timing mechanism, so it must have at least been some hours since he got to the hotel. 

Deciding on taking a shower to freshen up a little and then going to sleep for real after that he got off the bed and stretched his back leisurely. He felt weirdly numb, not able to actually distinguish a specific emotion. Before, he had been upset and agitated, concerned all the time . Now, everything felt pleasantly calm and still, like a veil of indifference had fallen over him.

He honestly wasn't complaining. It was the first time in weeks that he was actually okay with everything going on around him — most likely because there was nothing going on around him. Maybe he needed this, this distance from all the people he was constantly surrounded with, even his mum.

A slight smile was fighting its way onto his lips as he stepped into the bathroom, suddenly remembering the bathtub. What better time to use it then now? He pushed the buttons and watched as the hot water rapidly filled up and steam began to cloud the mirrors. 

He went back into the bedroom for a second, searching for some comfortable clothes to wear after his bath and for his iPad as well, just to put on some relaxing music. God, he hadn't done something like this in eternities! 

Harry and he used to have special relax and recovery days pretty regularly, but all that obviously flew out the window as soon as everything else started to go wrong between them. But right now, as he got into the tub and let the hot water cleanse his skin, he realised how good it always had been to take some time off and just not do anything except listen to slow music and enjoy the soapy fresh scent that was taking over the entire room. 

Maybe he should order himself a smoothie later on. Some vitamins would surely only increase the wellness vibe he was getting into right now and — if he wanted to admit to it openly or not — this kid inside him was still part-Harry and, well, every version of Harry that Louis ever knew needed at least one healthy drink a day. So.

He was rather abruptly torn out of his daydreams when his mobile phone began to ring and vibrate in the other room. Fucking dammit! Why didn't he turn the stupid thing off? Harry always thought of stuff like this … Why couldn't Louis? 

In the hope that the caller would stop harassing him after the first try, Louis closed his eyes again and focused back onto the music. He didn't even know there existed such a thing as piano music on his iPad, but alas, there it was, tinkling in his ears.

Of course, because Louis is Louis and he just seemed to not deserve a break, the phone didn't cease its ringing. Huffing, and annoyed with himself more than ever, Louis climbed out of the tub to get the damn thing — either to answer it or to throw it from the balcony. 

To his surprise he saw that it was his mum who had called him about four times before apparently leaving a voice message just now. Hoping there was nothing wrong at home he clicked on the blinking red notification and held the phone up to his ear.

“Lou, I’m so sorry for disturbing you, it’s just —“ His mother sounded tense, something that became even more obvious because of her rapid talking. “Zayn has just been here and, well, the poor boy was so distraught and I made him a cup of tea and spoke to him for a bit, assured him that you were doing alright and the likes, you know? I really tried to calm him down and he seemed okay after a while, too. He left in rather a rush then and, Lou, I’m sorry, I didn't even notice, but the brochures of the hotel were still lying on the kitchen table from before when I was searching for the address and when Zayn brought the cups back into the kitchen I’m pretty sure he saw them. Like, he really left in a hurry after that. I only realised a moment ago or I would have warned you earlier, but I’m certain he is on his way to the hotel now. I didn't mean to sabotage your escape, honey, I’m sorry, but please don't do anything rash that could harm you or the little one, alright? Maybe it wont even be bad if you talk to the boy for a while; he is one of you best friends after all. Call me back later, okay? Love you!“

Before the message was even finished, dread began to settle in the pit of Louis’ stomach. It was just so typical that something like this would happen. Just when he had had the opportunity to enjoy some days on his own, something had to come up and burst his little bubble of relative contentment.

Maybe this whole ‘cutting the ties’ thing was never meant for him. He was too weak and his friends too persistent and even if it had only been one day of trying, maybe this wasn't the way to go. Maybe he should face the boys, at least, if not Harry. In the end, was he really ready to give up on the greatest friendships he ever made and probably ever would make? Those guys were his brothers and stopping the contact to them was, in all actuality, as easy as stopping the contact to his sisters and Ernie. It was kind of absurd.

He wasn't able to follow this train of thought any further, though, as a loud knock from the main door disturbed the silence around him. Still only dressed in the towel he had grabbed after he got out of the bath to get his phone, he toddled to the door. A look through the peephole revealed a shock of familiar jet-black hair and Louis swallowed and straightened his posture before opening the door.

“Your standard fake name, Louis? Really?“ Those were the first words out of Zayn’s mouth as the boy pushed himself past Louis into the room. It wasn't like he expected a cheerful greeting anyway. “Like, if you didn't want to be found, you could have at least made it a little bit tricky for me,“ Zayn commented further, not directly looking at Louis but slipping off his leather boots instead. He reeked heavily of smoke and his eyes had an exhausted look to them, but Louis wasn't in a position to catch anymore about his friends appearance since Zayn walked straight to the balcony and slammed the door hut behind him.

And people always called Louis the drama queen? Honestly!

Louis decided to let Zayn have his moment and busied himself with throwing on the pyjama bottoms and too-big wool sweater he had already picked out beforehand. He pulled the plug on the bathtub with only one longing glance at the disappearing bubble-water. Maybe he could try again the next evening. 

When he stepped back into the bedroom, Zayn had made himself at home on the bed. He was sitting with his arms and legs crossed, a deep furrow between his eyebrows and looking rather menacingly in his all-black clothes. If Louis didn't know him so well, he would be slightly terrified by his posture.

“So,“ Zayn opened his mouth as soon as he was sure he had Louis’ full attention. “Want to tell me what the fuck you think you are doing? I mean, no offence, but have you lost your bloody mind?“

“Zayn, come on,“ Louis sighed, not really in the mood for any intense talks this evening. The look Zayn shot him meant business, though, so Louis knew there wasn't an easy way out. “What do you want to hear, exactly?“ 

“Well, for a start maybe tell me what even brought all this on? Like, you weren't planning this, I would have noticed. It was obviously a rather hasty decision, so explain to me why!“

“It’s not all that easy, Zayn. There are many factors.“

“Let me guess — one of them is Harry?“ Zayn said and his tone suggested that he wasn't amused.

“Wow, Zayn, way to be an ass about this. So what, Harry was a reason. Can you blame me? I can’t be near him any longer, Z. Everything about us feels toxic and being in the same room as him is killing me, okay? I can’t do that to myself any longer.“

“But Louis,“ Zayn sat up straighter, his expression turning earnest. “This is your dream you are giving up. Making music, selling out stadiums, the fans — all of this is your dream. And even if things with Harry are shitty, you can't let him take this from you. You will regret it!“ 

Louis finally made to sit on the bed as well, curling his legs close to his body. He felt like the topic he wanted to avoid at all costs was about come up right about now. The thing is, he really didn't ever want to speak to the boys about this because they sure as hell would him make tell Harry the truth, but — this is Zayn and Zayn is his best mate and not to address it now would just be plain wrong. 

“There is more to it than Harry, Zayn. More important things and … being in the band is simply not possible right now. It’s not an option. I won’t return.“

Clearly picking up on Louis hesitation, Zayn pointed his finger straight at Louis. “Tell me, Lou!“

Biting his lip, Louis shook his head. Part of him wanted to just blurt it out, but another part feared every single consequence that would come of this and he was sure there were a whole fucking lot. Dammit.

“I can’t Zayn.“

Zayn’s eyebrows rose to his hairline. “So, suddenly you don't trust me anymore, or how am I supposed to take this? You don’t contact me for weeks, then you quit the band, then you terminate our friendships, then you flee when the boys and I try to get a hold of you and last but not least you choose to not trust me anymore? That is great, Louis, really! Thanks a lot for —“

“I’m pregnant!“ As soon as the words bursted out of him, Louis slapped his hands against his face. He could already feel the tears threatening to leak. For fuck’s sake, this hadn't been the plan. This hadn't been the plan at all. What was he thinking, what was he doing? He just sabotaged himself completely.

Louis buried his face deep into his sweater paws as silence continued to fill the room. 

Then, finally, Zayn let out a low whistle from between his teeth. “Wow! That is kind of unexpected.“

“You think?“ Louis asked with a bitter laugh. “Ask me how I felt when I first found out.“

“But Lou, how?“

That made Louis raise his head. “Are you asking me for a detailed description right now or?“

Zayn rolled his eyes, while he scooted closer to Louis to lay a warm hand atop his thigh. “I meant, how are you pregnant? Like, who —“

“I really, really hope that you are not about to ask me who the father is, Zayn Malik, or I will personally see to it that you leave this room via the balcony,“ Louis gritted out.

“So, Harry. Cool, yeah. I didn't really expect anyone else anyway, Lou. I know you are set one Harry for once and all. But, I don't understand … you two have had relationship trouble for ages now. How came that all to be then?“

Louis just sighed tiredly. “Well, Harry has needs that I’m good enough to hold up for, even though he doesn’t care for me any more than that. Is that answer enough to you? It happened like, almost three months ago, I guess.“ He planned to stop there, but sensing that Zayn would only ask more badly phrased questions, he might as well just tell the whole story in one go. “The stupid birth control pill my OB/GYN described me ages ago ceased to do its work so now here we are. I found out in the clinic in the US when he fainted, remember?“

It took Zayn a while to nod slowly in understanding, but when he looked at Louis again, there was still a smidgen of uncertainty in his eyes. “Okay. Okay, but … back to the very, very beginning. You can get pregnant? You never told me that, Lou.“

“I told no one, not even Harry. And there was a reason,“ Louis admitted with his head bowed. “I never particularly cared for this part of myself and I’ve taken the pills ever since I found out about it when I was around 15. I never ever planned on having a baby, like, not myself, you know? I love kids, but I never wanted to carry one. I’m a little in over my head, to be honest with you.“

Zayn’s grip on his thigh got more firm. “But you still decided to keep it, yeah?“

“Yes! Took me a while to realise and I’m not proud of it, but … I’m all in now.“ His fingers slid across his stomach without him even noticing. It would have been strange a few weeks ago, but now felt like a natural movement.

“Well, I am proud of you, Lou, that you go through with it even though you are scared.“ Zayn leaned forward to press a quick kiss on Louis’ forehead. “I think it’s the right thing to do.“   When Louis looked up, there was a bright, open smile on Zayn’s lip and he couldn't help joining in.

\- - - 

Louis woke up the next morning curled up against Zayn’s chest. It had been so long since he started his days like this, next to someone in such an intimate and familiar position, and even though Zayn was not the first person on the list of people Louis wanted this with, he was still a great second option. 

He nuzzled his face into Zayn’s chest and enjoyed the warmth and protectiveness his friend radiated while he waited for him to wake up as well. 

“I see how it is! You only let me stay here so you could use me for my body,“ Zayn’s sleep rough voice mumbled, but there was a smile evident on his face when Louis smirked up at him with mirth in his eyes. 

“You know it, Z!“

“Well, get up now you lump. I wanna take a shower and you should order us some breakfast, because I’m sure as hell not leaving this room anytime soon. We have some talking to do.“ 

Upon hearing that, Louis whined pathetically. “No, Zayn, just let it go. You know everything there is to know.“

Zayn pushed him off of his chest softly and stretched, all the while looking at Louis incredulously. “I can’t just let it go, Lou, and neither can you. There is a baby and it won’t go anywhere anytime soon so even if you think everything is just fine and dandy, I assure you it’s not. There is stuff you need to figure out, especially stuff concerning Harry. And if you don't behave and talk to me like a good boy I’m going to call up Liam and Niall.“ He got up off the bed, his expression turning contemplative. “Maybe I should do that either way — you know they deserve the truth just like I did, Lou. We are a family after all, and it’s not fair to exclude them.“

Louis didn't respond in favour of pulling his blanket over his head and pouting to himself. Just when he thought Zayn was on his side, a steady presence but not interfering, he went and said stupid stuff like this that made, to Louis utmost loathing, complete sense.

“I’ll take that as a yes, then,“ Zayn said from the other side of the blanket wall, his voice slightly dulled. “Stop being a child now and order some food, okay? I’ll text the boys.“

That made Louis throw the blanket away. “Not Harry!“ he nearly shouted out, because obviously the phrase ‘the boys’ still included Harry.

Zayn, with his mobile in handy, looked at Louis like he had hit his head. “Of course not Harry, Louis. You know I wouldn't do that to you. Now calm down and do as I told you.“ He glanced at his phone, then, and nodded with a small smile as he typed another message. “Niall and Liam are on their way right now. Guess we just watch some movies until they arrive.“

Louis just watched with a heart growing more anxious as Zayn closed the bathroom door behind him a second later.

\- - -

They spent the whole morning and parts of the afternoon lazing around, doing nothing but stuffing their faces with unhealthy food and sweet drinks and watching Marvel movies on the pay-per-view channel. 

“Do you think it’s okay for you to consume all this shitty food considering you have a baby growing inside you? Shouldn't you be eating veggies and drink camomile tea or something?“ Zayn asked at one point and Louis simply glowered at him until the guilt he was feeling didn't seem quite so suffocating anymore. 

People should cut him some slack — he was only human, after all.

There was a knock at the door around three o’ clock that afternoon and, knowing that they hadn't ordered any more food, Louis at once knew that it had to be Liam and Niall. His heart was beating in his throat as he looked at Zayn helplessly, not moving an inch from where he was sitting.

Rolling his eyes, Zayn got up. “You’re acting silly. It’s Liam and Ni, what are you so afraid of? They love you, Lou, they won’t be arseholes about this. Take a deep breath, I’m going to let them in.“

Louis followed Zayn’s advice when he heard a commotion at the door and the sound of boys who hadn't seen each other in a while reuniting. It was a loud and sappy affair, to be honest, and Louis couldn't even see them, just assumed from their voices.

But then, Liam rounded the weeny corner that prevented Louis from seeing the entrance area and as his eyes fell on his Louis, his expression kind of shattered and so did Louis’ heart. 

“Lou,“ the other boy got out before he jumped forward to crush Louis in a hug that pressed the air out of his lungs. 

“Ow! Li, careful,“ Louis muttered as he tried to wind himself out of Liam’s arms that were closed way to tightly around his middle. 

“Louis, mate! You owe us a fucking shitload of explanations!“ That was Niall’s voice and just when Louis’ managed to free himself of a clingy Liam, Niall was there to take his place and cuddle up to Louis.

“Guys, you need to give Lou a sec to breathe. Don’t push him around, all right?“ Zayn finally intervened from where he was standing against the wall. Even though his words were firm, he had the fondest smile on his lips. 

Niall let go of him with his face was pulled into the weirdest confused stare ever. It nearly made Louis laugh out loud, but then he remembered where he was and why he was here and what he was about to do, and his face froze.

Nobody seemed to really care as they, amidst loud chatter and some catching-up, found their places on the bed and got comfortable. Thankfully, Liam and Niall didn't go all in with any questions, demands and accusations they might have had immediately — probably because Zayn told them to hold back for the time being. So they spend the first hour together getting some food into Niall and assuring Liam that there was nothing fatally wrong with Louis and for a moment it felt great and easy and like before.

Except, there was nothing great and easy about the talk they were about to have and it wasn't like before either, because there was no Harry and although no one mentioned anything, it felt strange without him. 

When they finally couldn't put off the lingering talk any longer, Louis decided he would just go all in. He began by letting both newcomers finally know about all the stuff that went wrong with Harry. To his surprise, they weren't as shocked as he expected them to be.

“To be honest, you would have had to be blind to not realise that there was something going on between the two of you,“ Liam admitted upon noticing Louis’ astonishment.

“Yeah, as sad as it is, everyone could tell that you had some serious troubles,“ Niall added and he looked thoroughly upset by the fact. “I think Li and I chose to not say anything about it, because it seemed like you felt bad enough already and us pointing out that something was amiss wouldn't really have helped, would it? We knew you had Zayn to talk and, well, we didn't want to make it any harder on you.“

And all this time Louis thought they have had no idea … 

“What about Harry, then? Did you talk to him?“ he couldn't help but ask.

Liam shook his head. “Not really. I tried to, once. He was a real shit about it and I let it be from then on out. I figured you would have to solve your problems on your own anyway and I didn’t want to meddle where I wasn't belonging.“ 

He threw Louis a meaningful glance and Louis rubbed a hand over his eyes as a way to avoid looking at anyone. Again he was more or less pushed to talk to Harry. He was so tired of this. Liam would flip his fucking shit when he realised what else Louis had to tell them.

This wasn't going to end well.

He continued with his story anyway, talked about how he couldn't stand to be near Harry anymore when all he ever got was the cold shoulder or a quick fuck when Harry felt like it. Liam and Niall seemed to accept this as a reason for him quitting the band just fine, but Louis knew that they knew that there was something more to it. Something bigger.

“So, anyway, another fact that I can’t be in the band any longer is …“ He looked at Zayn, who reached out to hold his hand reassuringly. “I’m pregnant, Harry is the dad and he can’t ever know, understood?“

“Fucking what?“ Niall exclaimed instantly, eyes wider than Louis has ever seen them. Liam just stared ahead speechlessly.

Louis left it to Zayn to inform the other two of the rough details Louis had given him last night already, as Louis wasn't up for any more talking at the moment. While the three boys had a hushed discussion with too many curse words flying around, Louis huddled himself up in the far corner of the bed, absentmindedly caressing his stomach. 

So.

There he was.

All his previous intentions were shattered, as now not only Zayn but Niall and Liam as well knew about the baby. It was surely only a matter of time before Harry would find out — either because one of the boys will have a slip of tongue or because they think it’s the right thing to do to tell Harry about his impeding parenthood.

Great. This was all just great!

Maybe he shouldn't have ever opened the door to Zayn. Cutting the ties would have been hard, but the idea of having to face Harry over this baby-situation downright made him want to weep for himself.

This would destroy everything.

It was Niall who unexpectedly woke him from his dark thoughts as he shuffled next to him and placed an arm over Louis drawn shoulders. 

“It’s going to be okay, Lou! I’m happy you're having this baby — first one of Little Direction, yeah?“ He smiled warmly at Louis, not judging at all, and Louis cuddled into his side gratefully. “And I won’t tell Harry a word. To be honest, I don't think he deserves it, does he? He was a right jackass.“ 

“Yes, he was,“ Louis agreed with a small voice.

“I’m sorry. I’m sure you never expected it to go this way. I understand why you can’t be in the band any longer and even though it will suck without you big time I won’t force you to come back. You can, all right? Whenever you want to. But, don't feel pressured. I think it’s important that you take some time for yourself and focus on Little D.“

Louis snorted with his lips pressed together tightly. “Don’t call the baby Little D, Niall, or I will harm you.“

Niall snickered. “I meant it as a short form for Little Direction, but if you don't like it we have to come up with something else.“ 

“Or we could just call it baby, cause that’s what it is.“

“That’s pretty unimaginative, Lou!“

“Don’t judge me, I’m pregnant and in a very hormonal state,“ Louis bitched at him, though he was chuckling openly now. He loved his Niall!

It was then that Zayn and Liam ended their heated discussion and the sudden silence made Louis look up. He guessed he gave a rather pathetic picture right now, cuddled up next to Niall like he was and surely oozing this vulnerableness he always despised in people because it made them look so damn weak.

He went a long way … down.

Liam’s eyes turned puppyish when he met his gaze and in a matter of seconds he was right beside Louis’ and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“Sorry ’bout that, Lou! It’s just — what Zayn told us makes me concerned. I don’t think ignoring Harry is the way to go. And I can’t just keep that to myself. But, we don't have to talk about this right now.“ He patted Louis’ arm in a calming manner. “I’m excited for you. Can’t quite believe your going to be a daddy in a few short months. How do you feel anyway?“

“Quite good. Would be better if you stopped talking about Harry, though. Honestly, I don't ever want to speak about him again and I sure as hell don’t want him to know. This is my decision, Li, and I would appreciate it if you would just accept it.“ He sighed.

“Louis, you really can’t be serious about this. You want to do all this on your own? Because that’s a lot of responsibility and work and —“

“And you don't think I can handle it by myself. Gee, thanks, Li!“ Louis interrupted the other boy and, shoving Niall and Liam off of him, abruptly got off the bed. This was just great. He knew something like this would happen and he wouldn’t leave the conversation unscathed.

“Liam!“ Zayn scolded from where he was still leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest and disappointment in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, but don't you think it’s kind of the truth?“ Liam asked, turning to him for a second. “By all means, Lou, I’m happy for you and I wish you all the best, but … raising a child is a hard job is all I’m saying.“

“No, all you’re saying is that I can’t do it. All you're saying is that I should return to Harry and tell him about this baby and then spend the rest of my life in a relationship with a guy who doesn't love me anymore and just stays out of pity and because I’m having his kid. But that is not the life I want and it’s also not the life I deserve, Liam! You're not being fair!“

It was Niall, then, who interrupted them next. “Everybody calm down, all right? Liam, you are way out of line here! I think Louis has been more than responsible until now — firstly, he decided to keep the baby, even though, as Zayn said, he wasn't really comfortable with carrying it. That’s a fucking huge step. Also, he quit the band for this. That must have been one of the hardest things he’s ever done. This was his dream as well, Li, and he sacrificed it to have this baby. Don’t you think that was a very adult thing to do and showed a fuckload of commitment? Because I do!“

Liam was getting up as well, now, a frown deeply etched into his face as he paced the room restlessly. “I didn't say that those weren't brave things to do, okay? I’m sorry if I came across as judging or whatever, I’m just worried, god damn it! I know Louis will handle being a dad really good — I’ve seen him with his siblings, he is great with kids. It’s just that … Harry may have been an asshole for the last months, but I don't think it’s right to deprive him of knowing that there will be a child with half his DNA in this world soon. That’s not the right thing to do and it’s not adult, either. I didn't mean to offend you, Lou, but that is my opinion. Harry is our friend as well, has been for over five years, through the good and the bad. He may not have been the nicest person to be around for some time now, but — he deserves someone taking a stand for him, still.“ He shrugged, ending his speech in a huff.

Silence once again settled over the hotel room, even the TV had been muted sometime during the arrival of Liam and Niall.

Louis stood at the balcony door, his back turned to his friends and his heart racing. There were tears gathered in his eyes and he wasn't sure why, just noticed that the hotel garden was a blurred mess of green before him. It wasn't like he was really annoyed with Liam. He wasn't even mad at him. Because, after all, the boy had a point in taking Harry’s side. He would have done the same thing, surely, if the situation were any different. He always, always had taken Harry’s side. He had protected him even when it had been hard to do so. 

And still — if he was sure of one thing in his life right now, it was that Harry would never hear a word about this baby — not from him and not from anyone else. Because, in Louis’ opinion, they both deserved the chance to be happy and they obviously couldn't achieve happiness with each other. That was the one thing the last months had clearly proven. 

Harry would find someone new soon enough; someone who would give him all that Louis couldn’t provide. And Harry would marry that person and start a family with them and there was no need for him to ever worry about Louis and this baby. It would just make it harder on everyone, it would be a bothersome responsibility for Harry, standing in the way of his perfect family. It would always be a reminder that Harry had had a past life, past loves, past … mistakes. Why would Louis want to complicate Harry’s future when in all actuality (and overlooking all the pain Harry caused him) he wished the boy nothing but joy and bliss?

And Louis … he would surely be happy, too. Maybe he wouldn't fall in love again, because frankly, he knew that Harry had been the one for him. But, he would have this baby and he would love and care for it, he would give it the world and anything above and beyond. And that would be enough! Assuring a great future for his baby would be the greatest and most rewarding thing he’d ever do and it would be okay.

That was all he needed.

“I’m sorry, Louis! I really didn't mean to insinuate that I think you're not fit to be a parent. I know you'll do great — I’ve seen you with your sisters, with the little twins. I trust you'll do the best job.“ Louis heard him sitting down with a loud sigh. “I just feel bad for Harry in this scenario, because I know if he ever finds out this will break his heart. And yeah, probably it’s his fault, too, but … I still feel terrible for doing this.“

Louis licked his lips and wiped his wet eyes with a slow move of his hand, before he turned around again. “I know you didn't mean it like that, Li. I think we both overreacted a little.“ He walked over to where Liam was sitting at the end of the bed and took a place beside him, reaching out for his arm to hold onto. “And I understand where you’re coming from, I do. But Harry cannot know. You have to promise me you won’t tell him! You think him finding out later on will break his heart and maybe it will, but … Harry broke my fucking heart, too. And this is not some petty scheme to avenge myself for that, but. Please know that I can’t handle this pregnancy if Harry has any part in it. I can’t handle him staying with me just so he doesn't disappoint anyone, I can’t handle knowing that he would be on the other end of the world to get away from me but stays just because he knows that his baby is growing inside me and it is expected of him.“ Louis paused to collect his thoughts. He didn't want to bare his soul in front of his best friends, but then he realised — he was right in the middle of doing so. “Harry hasn't called me once during this whole break. The last time I saw him was the evening after the final show, before I left for London. He came to my room; he didn't even say three sentences before he tried to sleep with me and when I told him I couldn't he left without another word. And that was it, Liam. You can’t expect me to lead such a life until the day I die just because I’m going to have a baby I didn't even plan for! Because, and let’s all face this fact, Harry won’t let me leave once he finds out. He just won’t accept it. And therefore you have to promise me, Liam, that you won’t say a word of this.“ 

He looked up into Liam’s brown eyes, which held too much pity and compassion for Louis to cope with right now. 

“I’m so sorry everything went wrong like this, Lou!“ Liam uttered, his voice hoarse, before enclosing him in a gentle hug. Louis instantly buried his face in Liam’s broad chest and after a while, he felt how Zayn and Niall, who had been quiet throughout the previous exchange, joined into the cuddle as well.

It was moments like this that made Louis feel like everything would be all right. He still couldn't be sure that Harry wouldn't find out one way or another, but for the moment he felt safe with his secret and his best friends keeping him together.

\- - - 

When Louis opened his eyes, his head was hurting, his phone was buzzing and he was alone. Groaning and pressing both hands against his forehead in an attempt to lessen the pressure he was feeling behind it, he sat up slowly. 

The room around him looked terrible, to be quite honest. There were empty bottles and snack packages everywhere and it reeked of too many boys staying in too a small space for too long. He grabbed for a water bottle standing on the night stand and, not sure if it was even his, chucked half of it down. 

He got up to open the balcony door to ensure some fresh air finding its way inside the hotel room and just as he was about to step into the bathroom, he noticed that the constant noised coming from his phone weren't something he had dreamed up. 

With caution he stepped closer to the phone and when he realised that the screen was plastered with notifications he thought, not for the first time, that throwing the thing out the window would be the simplest solution.

He pushed the button to silence the ringing sounds, but the vibration stayed, since he — for whatever stupid reason — thought it would be a good option like this. How stupid of past-him. It took a silent pep talk to himself, before he finally really paid attention to what was happening.

Twitter was apparently going crazy, so he didn't even bother to go there. He had about a million messaged from every person he ever spoke to, his mum and older sisters had tried to called him multiple times, as well as his lawyer and … 

Louis’ heart skipped a beat.

There was Harry’s name on the list of missed callers, too. 

What the fuck was going on?

He pressed on the little Google icon at the top of his screen and typed ‘One Direction’ into the search box with trembling fingers, suddenly feeling nausea clawing its way up his throat. Harry wouldn't just call him out of the blue and for no reason. There must have happened something and Louis hoped to every God he knew the name of that it hadn't anything to do with his pregnancy. 

There were around 20 articles popping up when his phone had finally finished its loading process and he clicked on the first one, not even caring if it was a source he normally valued or not.

_Sunday, 31 May 2015_

_THE BREAK-UP: ONE DIRECTION LOOSING MEMBER LOUIS TOMLINSON FOR YET UNCLEAR REASONS_

_The news that reached the official One Direction website and any and all associated social media accounts early this morning in London was sure to break a million hearts around the world. The reliable source announced that Louis Tomlinson, with 23 years the oldest member of the successful band, has decided to take a break from conquering the stages of the world. The Doncaster lad had, according to Modest!Management leader Harry Magee, given various reasons, but nothing concrete, for why he cannot continue to produce music with One Direction at the moment. “It’s obviously a very tragic loss for the band, as Tomlinson’s unique sound gave many of the songs their classic characteristics.“ It’s not only the music that will suffer from Tomlinson’s sudden and unexpected quitting, though. The fans, as well, will have a hard time to overcome the fact that from here on out there will only be four of the sunshiny and charming boys up on those stages, slowly but surely putting the whole world under their spell. For all of you out there who expect more than a lousy newspaper article on the leaving of our favourite prankster, you should note down the coming Friday (June 5) as Tomlinson is set to give an interview at Good Morning Britain. We can only wait and see what kind of explanations he will have for leaving all of us behind without a warning and like this._

Louis barely finished reading the last line before he tapped to call his lawyer back.

Harry would just have to wait and funnily enough, it’s the first time Louis ever thought that.

\- - - 


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again :)
> 
> First, I'm sorry for the wait. I've been in Rome for a week on holiday and didn't really find the time to write since. Here is the new chapter, though. It was the most difficult to write, yet, which I hope doesn't make it worse than the others, haha. 
> 
> Once again I feel the need to point out that all things regarding Louis' pregnancy are extremely inaccurate, I'm taking some more freedoms with it than I first anticipated, but anyway, just keep that in mind.
> 
> Lastly, thank you all so much for your incredible feedback. I kinda really love you all! 
> 
> Now, please enjoy reading,  
> Julia x

Louis was fuming when he pressed the red button to end his call. He threw his phone onto the hotel bed, nearly wishing for it to break and shatter into a million pieces. That didn't happen, of course, the bed too soft, easily cushioning its fall. 

He groaned in despair. This was so fucked up! But honestly, he should have expected it. Magee and Griffiths wouldn't have ever let him go without degrading him one last, glorious time — it was their personal way of getting revenge. They just wanted to demonstrate to him once again that they still held the power over him, over his future, over his name and his brand. 

And god, did he despise them for it!

But he had to stay positive, he thought while gritting his teeth. He stepped out of the room and onto the balcony to get some fresh air into his lungs. After this, he would it would done and over with! After this, the contract would be officially terminated and they couldn't do shit about it. 

Surprisingly, Mr. Mendes and his team had been able to arrange a pretty fair deal, if looked at objectively. Modest! would get this one last interview with him — under the excuse of wanting to appease the fans, when Louis damn well knew it was their last strike at him — as well as 250 thousand pounds. And that was it! 

In the end, Louis was willing to pay the price; meaning the money as well as the interview. It left him financially intact, at least, and there was not much more he needed at the moment anyway. As long as he was able to afford a clinic where he could have this baby in privacy and anonymity and, afterwards, had enough left to assure a good life for the child, he was okay with it. And as it was looking now, even after paying the 250 thousand he would still have a shitload of money at his hands. 

While he was enjoying the view at the gardens before him, the air freshening up his mind, Louis began gnawing at his bottom lip. This interview wouldn't be easy to handle, he knew that. There would be tough questions and, since he was supposed to face the presenters on his own and without the boys as a backup, he had no choice but to answer them all himself. 

Great!

And all this shit was going to be live TV as well. 

Unable to find any positive aspect to that, he slumped his head in his hands and tried to breathe easy, the only thing giving him hold the railing he was leaning on.

\- - - 

It wasn't much later that Liam, Niall and Zayn came bursting into his room — apparently they had all spent the night at the hotel as well. Louis couldn't really remember how they had parted the evening before, maybe had even already been asleep when they had left, but he was immensely glad that they were still around.

“We just heard,“ Niall said as he came forward to pull Louis into a warm hug that he instantly gave into.

“Management called to let us know about the article,“ Liam added, pointing to the phone he held loosely in his left hand, before he, too, came over to pat Louis in comfort. “Seems they leaked the news this morning. A warning beforehand would have been nice.“

Zayn scoffed at that, mumbling something under his breath that Louis was sure were some unkind words directed at Griffiths and Magee. Out loud he said, “Really sucks, Lou, I’m sorry they're putting you through this.“ Then he promptly fell onto Louis’ unmade bed and buried his head in the pillows, likely trying to catch another round of sleep.

Louis chuckled rather humourlessly. “It’s not like I was really expecting them to just let me go without putting up a fuss,“ is his response, while he pushed the longer strands of his fringe from his face. He kinda needed a haircut. “They obviously wouldn't miss a chance to humiliate me and also, this is the perfect opportunity for them to make sure I’m not coming back into the business any time soon. The fans will surely hate me for all this …“ He paused, pensively. “I never really thought about it, like, how it must seem to them. I’m basically just abandoning them and you and all of this and I can’t even tell them the real reason or give them a sufficient explanation.“ He broke off with a sigh.

“Well, you could,“ Liam mumbled quietly and Louis wasn't sure he even was meant to hear it, so he ignored him. He didn't want another row with Liam; he damn well knew the other boy wasn’t all that happy with him and this situation right now, but Louis didn't feel like he was able to change that fact sometime soon.

\- - - 

Louis found himself alone again in the afternoon, when Zayn, Liam and Niall decided to leave for a bit to spent some time at the hotel spa area. They asked him, more than once, to come along, but if Louis was sure of one thing it was that he couldn't handle being seen in nothing but his swim shorts. He might not have a baby bump yet, but he would still feel like everybody and there mothers were focusing on his middle and he really wasn't in the mood for even more insecurities coming at him.

And anyway, Louis needed to finally face his mobile again and with it, all the responses and notifications regarding the story of his quitting — and Harry’s missed call. It was marked in a screaming red colour on his recents list and as soon as his eyes had locked on it he found it impossible to look away again.

He hadn't told the boys about the call, since he was sure they all would want him to call back. Sure, Zayn and Niall maybe weren't Harry’s biggest fans at the moment, but — as Liam had made very quite clear the previous day — they all still were his friends, too, and well. Louis wouldn’t love all three of them so unconditionally if they hadn't proven over the years how big-hearted and loyal they were with each other, and this included Harry.

Louis sighed from where he was lying on the bed, staring at the wall and biting on his thumb nail, all the while holding his brightly lit phone in his right hand. 

What was he supposed to do now?

He couldn't just call him back, could he? What would he even say? What would Harry say? And would he really want to know? Would he want to hear whatever it was that Harry had to say about this situation? Because honestly, there wasn’t anything that could come out of Harry’s mouth and make Louis feel good in any form or way.

Then again, a call from Harry was all Louis had been hoping for all during the break. And here it finally was. Sure, it came not under the circumstances Louis would have liked it to, but still — it was a sign that told him Harry was after all aware that Louis was still alive and breathing and, in theory at least, still his boyfriend. 

He should just do it. Press on the number and call back. 

Maybe Harry wouldn't even pick up …

Or maybe Harry would try again later on …

Or maybe not.

Maybe Harry dialled the wrong number on accident …

Maybe Harry didn't even wish for contact …

Maybe Harry didn't care, after all.

Swallowing, Louis clicked the little round home button and let his iPhone fall next to him on the bed. He tossed and turned for a while, his heart thudding hectically in his chest. 

Today had been too much already and neither was it dinnertime yet, nor had he faced any of the fans or media outlets that begged for his attention on Twitter, Instagram and Co. He should look into that, honestly, he should pay attention and try to save what is left to save of his good name and reputation. He owed his fans some kind, comforting words, some heartfelt thank-you’s, just something — but he couldn’t. Just couldn’t, because every single thought of his was circling around that missed call, around Harry, Harry, Harry.

As he was staring at his phone in agony, he left the screen to fade into darkness and continued to let the day run past him as he waited for something that didn’t seem likely to happen.

(Harry didn't care. He didn’t. Didn’t.)

\- - - 

He was startled in the middle of the night by incessant vibrations that seemed to come from his stomach. For a moment, as he was working to sit up, disorientated and light-headed in the gloomy room, he confusedly petted his tummy, as if the vibrating was coming from in there, absurd as that would be.

Had he fallen asleep? What even was going on?

His brows furrowed as he tried to get his head in the moment.

When his sleep addled mind finally realised it was his phone that was vibrating against his stomach — since he must have fallen asleep on it, his front presses into the covers, his face mushed into the pillows, his feet hanging over the side of the bed — he quickly reached for it and accepted the call. 

It was a second later, a second too late, that he registered the name flashing over the lit-up screen.

He took a shaky breath as he listened to the more than familiar voice on the other end of the line.

“Louis? Lou …“

Harry spoke as slowly and gravelly as ever and Louis — Louis once fell in love listening to this voice telling him all kinds of silly stories, making up all kinds of nonsensical jokes, singing all kinds of self-composed love songs. And now, hearing his name out of the blue, in an additional sluggish tone that made it very clear that Harry had to be drunk or in the very least extremely tipsy; that just hurt a hell of a lot. 

He knew drunk Harry well enough and used to find it quite hilarious to watch the younger boy stumble over his too large feet, not at all in line with his long limbs and constantly messing around with his hair, which he considered annoying whenever he had one too many of the colourful cocktails and it began falling into his eyes because he was too lazy to tame it in any way or form. Louis more than once had to tie the curly locks to a messy bun atop Harry’s head, fearing the boy would do something stupid like cut them off in a delusional haze and dearly regret it the next day. He had always had much fun teasing Harry the mornings after such night outs. Only, Louis hadn't been invited along when Harry chose to hit up a party or club for a long time now and he wondered, his throat tight and the hand holding his phone trembling, who nowadays watched out for Harry’s hair.

Louis felt a heavy sort of dread settle into his guts as his mind returned to the present — to the middle of the night of whichever day and after weeks of no contact. All he got was a Harry drunk out of his mind and … that was not enough.

“Yes — Harry,“ he managed to get out after a while, when all that could be heard from the other end was heavy breathing.

“Hey Lou,“ Harry said, once again, slurring the words together slightly.

“What —“ Louis had to clear his throat, before starting over. “What is it?“

“I — I read that article. About you leaving the band. And you didn't — didn't tell me. Why didn't you? … Louis?“ 

And honestly, Louis couldn’t.

“I can’t do this, Harry,“ he stuttered, voice weak. His heart clenched painfully. Not now, not like this. They both deserved more out of this conversation.

This was so wrong. Harry like this was so wrong. Harry like this without Louis watching over his moves and actions and making sure he was doing okay was wrong, simple as that.

“You left me … Louis.“ And suddenly, Harry sounded so unbelievably sober, although Louis rationally knew he really couldn't be at all.

“Harry, what —“ 

“Did the others know? Did you tell everyone but — but me?“

“Harry —“

“You just left and you didn't even think to speak to me. I had to read it in the papers this morning and just — why? Like this? Why?“

“What do you want to hear from me?“ Louis tried to sound harsh, because truthfully, what right had Harry? How could he even? He only managed to sound broken, though, shattered as he was.

“The truth. You left, back in the US, and now the papers are telling me you won’t return and I just — I want to know why.“ 

Louis felt nausea churn in his stomach at Harry’s demand for answers. He felt desperate, helpless. “I — I only left because you left first, Harry,“ he pushed out, chocking on the words, his throat burning. He felt feverish. “You left me first and there was nothing for me to return to. There was noting at all, no matter how hard I wished there was.“

His phone slid from his clammy fingers, then, and fell on the carpet with a dull thud. 

Tears sprang to Louis eyes and wound their ways down his cheeks.

It took him a while to understand what just happened only to realise that, essentially, it was nothing at all. Nothing but a call from a sloshed Harry (that surely only one of them would remember in the morning) with questions directed at Louis as if he was at fault, as if he was the reason, as if it was him that turned everything, everything, to shit.

He sat, stunned, in a daze, for however long before it became to much and he broke into body-wrenching sobs, pitifully clawing at his own arms in search for comfort, for something to hold onto. He let his limp body slump back into the blankets, his eyes wetting the white sheets as he felt his world collapse all over again. 

This wasn't fair.

It wasn't him, it wasn't him, it hadn't been him; was all he could think as he tried to lift the weight that seemed to have settled onto his lungs. He needed to get air into them. He couldn’t … couldn’t breathe. 

A jolt of nausea once again crashed through him and he barely managed to tiredly move his head to face the edge of the bed before he puked whatever had been his last meal all over the hotel floor, feeling faint and hot and cold and terrible all over.

He couldn't remember what happened after.

\- - -

When he blinked his eyes open he couldn't make sense of his surroundings. Everything seemed too bright and vivid, too alive and just-there. Whining, or at least thinking he did, he turned his body this way and that, only away, trying to get back to the pleasant darkness that he had come from. His head was hurting and it felt impossible to concentrate on anything but the pounding behind his temples, so he pressed his eyes shut tightly and let himself be sucked back into the calm.

\- - - 

Something, or someone, was fiddling with his arm and the incessant movement dragged Louis out of his blissful bubble of nothingness and back into the real world. He went kicking and screaming inside.

When he opened his eyes, the friendly smiling face of Dr. Morgan was hovering over him. “Good afternoon, Louis! It’s nice to finally see you up again; your family and friends are rather worried about you.“

Louis opened his mouth, not sure what to say to that, but feeling like he couldn't anyway, seeing that his mouth was absolutely parched. He hoisted himself into an upright position, his body aching here and there, only now realising that it had been the doctor who had been working at his arm, apparently removing an IV tube from it. 

A second later, a nurse entered the room, which Louis now detected belonged to a hospital or clinic of some kind, and he outwardly sighed. How had he managed to land himself in here this time? Upset, he turned to glare out of the window right next to his bed, feeling fucking dumb and irresponsible for not taking better care of himself, because obviously he had to have done something wrong if it warranted him to be brought in for medical attention once again. He was a hopeless case and really, he would just suck as a parent. How could he not? God dammit!

The nurse, a young woman with widened green eyes and short blonde hair, walked around the bed and held a glass of water out for him. It was cold, even had some ice cubes in it, and Louis felt so dried out he sucked it down in four large gulps. Anna, as the name tag on the nurses uniform said, took it back with a shy smile and left the room, if the noise of the door closing was anything to go by.

Louis refused to turn his head back to the room; he couldn't face Dr. Morgan. He felt so disappointed in himself he could cry. He tried, was the thing. He really tried to take care, he tried to drink his water, he fucking tried to eat healthy, he tried to rest, he tried to give this baby his best. 

And he obviously failed anyway.

Because he sucked.

From behind him, the doctor cleared his throat. “Louis, would you please look at me?“

A stubborn shake of the head was all Louis responded with.

Then, he felt a large hand taking hold of his shoulder, pressing down firmly. “How are you feeling right now? Why can’t you look at me? Is it something I did? Do you want to speak to someone else? Just tell me what you need and I will get it for you.“

“It’s got nothing to do with you,“ Louis snapped, interrupting the other man. He was so irritated. “It’s me. I fucking suck. I’m just — I’m so — I’m just so ashamed. Of myself.“ The words tumbled out of his mouth rapidly, accompanied by a burning behind his eyelids. 

“Why would you be ashamed?“ Dr. Morgan asked, and he sounded so astonished that it actually made Louis turn around. The doctor had a frown on his face.

“Because I’m an idiot. A loser. A tosser. I — I have one goddamn job and it is to care for this baby. And I fail it, over and over again, this innocent thing which is so — so dependant on me. I can’t help it! I don't mean to be careless or — or thoughtless or whatever, really. I try so hard! But, alas, I’m once again in the hospital, lying in a bed and hanging on an IV and being useless like always. I’m just, I’m sorry.“

Dr. Morgan had quietly listened to his angry words; sitting down at the side of his bed as if it was the most normal thing to do, one leg dangling in the air, the clipboard abandoned on Louis’ nightstand. 

“Louis, stop this,“ he began, and Louis rolled his eyes in response. He chewed on his bottom lip, distraught and helpless. “I mean it. You being here is not as terrible as it might seem to you right now. I can’t lie, of course, you weren't in the best condition when you came in, but I swear that doesn't mean that you are failing at giving your best shot at this whole pregnancy thing.“ After a pause, the doctor continued. “Can you tell me what happened? I presume you blacked out and don't remember anything after; but before that, what do you recall?“

Louis’ shoulders slumped in resignation. He really didn't want to talk about this with a man he barely knew, but in the end, it would be this man who would accompany him through the rest of the pregnancy and bring this baby into the world. He might as well be honest with him. Or, as honest as he could be.

“It was the middle of the night, I guess. My phone woke me up with a call and only after answering I realised it was my — my boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, or whatever, I don't even know anymore.“ He sighed exhaustedly. “Anyway, he was drunk and he began asking me all this questions on why I left, why I —“ Again, he stopped speaking, deciding to start at another point all together. “Our relationship had been crap for months and we never talked about it, never acknowledged it, and then this — this baby came along and I understood then that there was no way for us to ever work out. A baby wouldn't solve anything, in fact would only make the situation harder, and so I just — I packed my bags and left. But that was weeks ago and he never bothered to visit or call or even write a message. He never felt the need to, apparently. I guess he heard the news then, of me quitting One Direction. Don’t know if you keep up with the gossip shit or even know who I am.“ He chuckled, but it was a dry and scratchy sound, lifeless. “Anyway, he called me once in the morning, but I didn't hear my phone then, but I picked up in the night, because I — well, I was half-asleep is my only excuse. He accused me of leaving without informing him, he wanted reasons and explanations and I couldn't — I couldn't handle it, because it wasn't fucking fair. I told him I only left because he left me first, left me months ago and I — he hurt me so fucking much, still hurts me without even being near me. And I couldn't handle it anymore and that was when I decided to go, to at least give me and the baby a chance to be okay, maybe even happy. And then there he was, accusing me and — and blaming me and I guess I lost it then.“ 

Feeling that this was the end of the story, he waited for Dr. Morgan to step into the conversation. Before the doctor could even open his mouth, though, Louis added. “Oh, I also puked. After, I can’t remember anything.“

Nodding, Dr. Morgan fetched the clipboard from the table and made some quick notes in a handwriting so sloppy Louis doubted the doctor would be able to decipher it later on. 

“Thanks for telling me all this. From what your friends told me, that sounds like a pretty fitting record of what happened before they found you this morning.“ 

Louis was immensely relieved to discover that he had only been out for a few hours, evidently. 

“Now back to your self-reproached from before. Firstly, I assure you that your baby is more than fine. And it also knows that you are trying your hardest to be as healthy and fit and emotionally stable as possible so that it can grow in peace in there. You really shouldn't feel so awful about yourself, Louis. Everyone around you knows that you are giving this your all. As I, in fact, do know who you are I have to say that sacrificing your career willingly to have this baby is a huge step. A step many people in your position wouldn't take. You can be very proud of that, of setting your child’s needs before anything else!“ The doctor smiled at him, this time with an approving glint in his eyes. “Secondly, I want you to know that passing out like this doesn't mean that you are doing something wrong at all. It will comfort you to know that syncopes are, for quite a few men actually, a pretty regular occurrence during their months of pregnancy, especially when they face emotionally draining situations. I ran a few tests while you were unconscious which confirmed my suspicions that you might be one of them. It’s a little complicate to explain and I don't want to bore you with unnecessarily much medical jabbering, but those syncopes are, to say it simply, caused by temporarily limited blood flow to your brain. We are talking milliseconds here, okay, so no need to panic. Obviously, fainting isn't pleasant nor enjoyable and we can’t take that lightly, either, so there are some precautions you should take. I will tell you about them later. But, I want you to be assured that, one, you can’t help it if it happens anyway — even if you take all the right steps and also not only if you feel emotionally stressed, but other times as well —, and two, it neither harms you nor your baby. You should just see it as your body taking a time-out, like when you take a nap, nothing more.“ 

Dr. Morgan gave Louis a minute to process the information he just got. 

Even though it certainly made him exhale easier that that him not taking enough care wasn't the reason after all, that he at least wasn't a complete failure in taking care of himself and the baby by not following the doctor’s rules adequately, thinking about facing those blackouts regularly and waking up in clinics from one moment to the other didn't sound like fun at all. 

It was ironic, really, how he had been so against carrying a baby all this time and now, after his body essentially betrayed him and let him get pregnant anyway and he decided to go through with it after all, his body was practically working against him. 

It was ironic and — heartbreaking. 

“You are sure that it doesn't hurt the baby?“ he asked again, only to be extra sure.

“I promise.“ He hesitated for a split second. “It could only become a danger if you, later on in the pregnancy, fainted randomly while you, let’s say, walked down the stairs and you were to fall on your tummy. But slipping, tripping and falling is always a risk in the last few months.“

Louis felt his eyes widen. How was he supposed to prevent that from happening? He couldn't predict the future, could he? He couldn't know of he would faint; it wasn't like his body was giving him exactly a warning him.

Dr. Morgan was fast to calm him down, after he seemingly noticing that Louis was silently freaking out. “That probably won’t even be a problem, though. Chances are the syncopes have lowered or even ceased completely towards the end of the pregnancy; it usually happens. And otherwise, if you make sure to always have someone near you to watch out for you a little, surely nothing will happen. Anyway, you should try some of the precautions first anyway, before we worry about everything else. Maybe they will do wonders for you.“

But Louis’ mind was still in turmoil. He wasn't sure if he should feel glad or panicked, now.

“I’ll leave you to it for now. Try to drink some more water, I’m going to send Anna in again with a fresh bottle. Meanwhile, I’ll go write your discharge papers so you can leave before dinnertime, all right? Honestly, don't fret too much. Everything will turn out just fine.“

Louis narrowed his eyes at the doctors back. 

How would he know? How could he know? 

This was shit!

The door fell shut and suddenly, Louis felt a whole new wave of self-loathing rush through him. Maybe this was his punishment, his punishment for thinking about killing this baby — before. Maybe the uncertainty, the constant worrying that he had ahead of him about everything turning out okay in the end, maybe it was to remind him constantly of what he was about to do, what he nearly was ready to do.

The thought made a single dry, heaving sob escape him.

He pressed his hands against his tummy and asked, begged, anyone and anything who was out there listening to his thoughts to not let his stupid body harm his poor, innocent baby.

His baby.

\- - - 

Since he was to be discharged in only two or so hours anyway, Louis requested that nobody come visit him in the room. 

He was out of it enough as it was, and he certainly didn't need his mum or one of the boys fussing over him and terrorising him with questions. He was glad for the quietness, using it to get himself together and taking some deep, cleansing breaths. It took him a lot of effort to ban all these dreadful thoughts of his own body sabotaging his pregnancy from his mind.

Anna brought him the water Dr. Morgan had promised him and then took some more of his measurements, such as his blood pressure and his temperature. She worked swiftly, but wasn't ever rough or impatient with him. 

Louis asked her, after a while of noticing her starry-eyed looks whenever she thought he wouldn't see, if she was a fan of the band and when she nodded her head emphatically he went to write her a quick thank-you note and signed it with his usual smiley face.

“I would appreciate it if none of this would find its way to the press,“ he said, biting down on his bottom lip once again. “All of this is obviously a secret and it could harm many people if it ever came out and I really don't want that to happen.“

“I wouldn't ever do that, honestly,“ she was quick to assure him, while she poured more water into his glass. “Firstly, I would lose this job and I really rather like it. Also, you don't deserve this. You seem to have a hard enough time already, I wouldn't want you to be even more stressed out because of the stupid media writing untrue articles about your pregnancy just to make money. Nobody should have to endure that. You don't need to worry, yeah? Just focus on your baby and stay healthy and happy.“ The utter seriousness in her eyes and the soft smile on her lips made him believe that she truly wouldn’t say a word. 

\- - - 

Dr. Morgan provided him with a thin brochure when Louis stopped by his office to grab his discharge papers before leaving. It contained everything that he had to know about the syncopes, as well as the precautionary steps he should take, which included drinking even more water, eating lots and lots of carbs, having some sweets on him at all times to keep his blood glucose levels up and, of course, his all time favourite: “Listen to your body!“ 

“Thank you very much, Dr. Morgan.“

“Louis, I told you to call me Caleb, didn't I?“, the older man smiled back while he shook Louis’ hand. “See you soon for your next check-up. Take care!“

Louis nodded, a faint smile on his lips as well, then walked through some glass-double-doors that opened and closed automatically to look for the private waiting area Anna had told him everyone was staying at. 

He came across his mum about half-way down the corridor. She pulled him in a tight hug and kissed his forehead like she did with his littlest sisters all the time, but he found he didn't much care. He was just happy she wasn't annoying him with countless questions yet. Jay seemed jittery and exhausted, so Louis tried to assure her as best as he could that he felt fine and dandy in the hopes that she would stop fumbling around with her hair.

It was when they rounded a corner that he realised that, maybe, he wasn't the reason at all as, right in front of his eyes, Zayn stormed out of a room, a dark expression on his face and an unlit cigarette already stuck between his lips, his posture tense. He didn’t seem to notice Louis or Jay, as he headed straight through another door, probably looking for a way outside to have his smoke in peace.

“Is something not okay?“ Louis asked, unsure and confused by his best friends apparent foul mood.

Jay faltered and Louis wanted to scream. What even could have gone wrong now? Like, everything that had happened since the article came out a day ago had gone from shitty to shittier to utter fucking bullshit in a matter of hours. Louis didn't think he could handle another blow.

“Tell me, mum!“ he demanded, voice wavering and hands cramping at his sides. 

“He is here, Lou, honey —“

Louis stopped dead in his tracks. “What do you mean? Who is here?“ he asked, although he had a pretty good idea already. He felt his throat tightening. 

Jay chewed on her bottom lip, her eyebrows drawn together in distress. “Harry. Harry is here.“

“How? Why? Mum!“ Louis couldn't help the desperate edge to his voice as he nearly shouted at his mother. Jay didn't flinch.

“I’m so sorry, boo, believe me. He just — when you — it was him who called Liam and told him that something was wrong with you.“

She wanted to go on, but Louis was quick to interfere. “How would he even know that? That’s — it’s impossible.“

Jay took Louis by his arm and softly guided him back around the corner, probably to give them some more privacy. If all the boys were waiting in the room that Zayn had just left in a hurry, Harry fucking included, they would be able to listen to their words easily enough if they only wanted to and Jay seemed keen on having some privacy. 

“Please sit down, honey, I don't want you to make yourself sick again,“ she ordered, though her voice was gentle. Louis, to weary to argue, just slid down to the floor and pulled his legs to his chest, only moments away from burying his head between them and shutting everything out.

His mum began to explain. “He claimed to have noticed when you were on the phone with him. You remember that you spoke to him, don't you, before you blacked out? So, apparently you didn't properly end the call and he continued to listen. And you, like, lost it? He rang Liam immediately, when he couldn’t hear another sound of you. Told him everything he gathered; that you were crying and chocking and than vomiting and — Liam sent Zayn and Niall to get you. He couldn't leave, because Harry demanded to know where you were and what was happening and if you were okay. You can't blame Liam, really, that he told Harry that they would bring you here. I probably would've acted the same way if Harry would have begged me to give him some information, any information. The boy must’ve been a right wreck.“ Jay ended with a sigh, settling down on the floor as well. 

Louis couldn't believe that this actually happened, that all of this was happening still. He felt so vulnerable, all of sudden. Fragile even. This moment, this break-down, the crying and sobbing — that had been supposed to be private. That was him, letting his walls crumble and giving into all the hurt and disappointment and sorrow he was feeling. 

It wasn't fair that Harry, of all the people, had witnessed him at his weakest point. 

If possible, Louis felt even more miserable now than he did after the talk with Dr. Morgan.

“Louis?“ Jay questioned, when the silence stretched on.

“I hate this. It’s not — it’s not okay, mum. I don't want him here, I can’t stand it; to be near him. I feel like I’m already broken into a hundred different pieces, I don't —“ He stopped to exhale a shuddery breath. He won’t cry again. He won’t.

He found that he didn't care that Liam gave away his current location and he didn't care that his mum had to see him like this, so beaten down. He didn't care that he had once again landed himself in a clinic but — he fucking cared that Harry had the audacity to actually show up here.

Jay looked at him, her eyes red-rimmed and compassionate. “I’m so sorry, honey.“

“He has no right to be here,“ was what he finally spit out, almost venomously. He didn't want his mum to pity him, to look at him like she was right then. He wasn't done for yet, fucking hell! He might be at the bottom right now, but he damn sure wouldn't stay there!

Jay remained quiet and seated as Louis struggled to rise from his place on the floor and brushed his joggers down, before stomping around the corner once more. He felt so angry, suddenly. He had a million things on his tongue he just wanted to throw in Harry’s face. Harry had no idea, no fucking idea what he had brought about. 

He barged into the waiting room, decorated with blooming flowers, colourful pictures and comfy sofas and armchairs, his hands pressed to his hips, his eyes stormy. 

Out of the corner of his eyes he noticed both Liam and Niall, who were taking some cautious steps back, but it didn't really register in his brain. All he could focus on was Harry, who was sitting in a dark blue chair and fiddling with his fingers. He looked up when he heard Louis walk in, his eyes hooded and bloodshot, hair a mess framing his pale face. 

His terrible appearance made Louis mentally stumble. He honestly hadn't expected Harry to look as worn-out as he did. Then again, why should it matter anything? Who the fuck knew what got Harry in such a state? Maybe was still drunk or, even more likely, hangover. But, if Louis was sure of one thing, it was that it couldn't have been him being in here. The thought made a new fire roar up in his chest.

“What are you doing here? Like, honestly, what the fuck, Harry?“ Louis burst out as soon as he was sure he had Harry’s attention. 

Seemingly startled, Harry got up from his seat, taking some steps, slowly approaching Louis.

And Louis was losing it. “Stay where you are, I mean it, Harry.“ 

“Louis,“ Harry sounded ruined, his voice brittle. 

“What? What do you want?“ Louis responded. He sounded as hollow as he felt, the fire that had alighted only seconds before dissolving already.

“How — how are you?“ Harry asked, his hands now buried inside his pockets, his left leg jiggling restlessly. “Do you feel okay? Do you need anything?“

“Im okay. I’m good. And I can get me anything I need.“ The ‘I don't need you anymore for this’ hung in the air unsaid, for Louis at least. “If that is all, you can kindly get the —“

“Louis, please!“ 

“Why did you think it was a good idea for you to come here in the first place?

“I wanted to see you, talk to you —“

Louis let his eyes slip closed, feeling chilling indifference settle over his bones. “I have nothing to say to you,“ he said, voice calm. “Nothing at all. Honestly, just leave. Leave me alone and don't come back, all right? It’s not like you bothered to do so anytime in the last six months. Go have a party, drink a beer or ten, live your life, or whatever. Don't stop doing what you're doing on my account, just because an article in the papers reminded you that I still existed.“

He seemed to have switched a flip, saying those words, more veracious and harsher than he intended for them to come out. The Harry who had just been standing there, shoulders slumped and appearing devastated, inside and out, seemed to have vanished in a split second. Left behind was the boy Louis had gotten so used to in the last months — nonchalant expression in place, lips pressed into a thin line, eyes cool and back straight. So aloof.

“So that’s what you think of me now?“ is what he gave back, voice stony.

“I have no idea what to think of you now, Harry. I don't know who you are anymore and you never gave me a chance to catch up, did you? And I — I couldn't have spent the rest of my life waiting for you to come around again.“

And that was all Louis managed to offer up in this conversation; his heart beating rapidly, his hands shaking, his eyes unnaturally wide. Since Harry made no move, neither to leave nor to stay, and just stood frozen in place, Louis turned on his heel and fled into the corridor.

Instead of returning to his mum, who was surely still waiting around the corner, he headed in the other direction, first walking in a slow pace, then breaking out into a jog. He just needed to get away, get some space between himself and the boy who still, in some ways at least, meant the whole world to him. 

When he spotted a bathroom, he didn't think long before crashing inside, turning the lock behind him once, twice, thrice. He threw his head back again the door, staring at the ceiling with its brightly shining LED fixtures. 

It took him some time to process everything that had happened just then. He splashed some water into his face, then washed his hands thoroughly. For a moment he thought he felt nausea sweeping through his stomach, but then he figured it was just the adrenaline, the agitation exiting his body. 

He couldn't exactly say how much time he had spent locked inside the bathroom, but when his mind was finally cleared enough to get that he couldn’t very well spent the night in there, he made himself ready to go. 

It was then, too, that he realised that he hadn't for one second thought about his baby when he was facing Harry. He hadn't even considered for one laughable moment to inform him about the life growing inside him, a life that Harry helped to create, now weeks ago. 

And although Louis maybe should have seen that as a positive thing, as a step in the right direction, as a sign that he was slowly separating himself from Harry, all it did was punch a hole through his chest and make him gasp. 

\- - -


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear readers! :)
> 
> This chapter was unexpectedly hard to get out; first I had no energy to write it, then I couldn't find an end and it became a little too long, but hey. I honestly don't know if every dialogue in this makes total sense, as I tended to lose track of my thoughts in the middle of literally every second sentence I wrote, for whatever reason.
> 
> Also, I wanted to tell you that since Uni is starting up for me again tomorrow I don't know when the next update will come. I'll try to hurry, but I can't tell how much time and work my courses are going take up. Hopefully not all of my energy and inspiration, though!
> 
> Lastly, thank you for your lovely feedback once again! It makes me so happy.
> 
> Have fun reading now,  
> Julia x

He returned to the waiting area with cautious steps, but when he got there only his mum, Zayn, Liam and Niall were sitting around, playing with their mobiles or reading random magazines. They all stood up upon his arrival, gathering around him with worried expressions and furrowed brows.

“I’m fine. I’m fine, okay?“ he assured them, his voice surprisingly confident. It made the boys back off, but his mum remained close to him, a warm hand placed calmingly on his shoulder.

“Harry left soon after your — talk, I guess. He was kinda angry, upset as well, it was weird“ Niall said into the silence, because after all, that was what Louis had wanted to know. He didn't expect his heart to ache quite this much hearing those words, though.

“I tried to go after him, talk to him, but he wouldn't have any of it. Just walked away,“ Liam added, a guilty frown on his face, as though Louis would reproach him for it.

Louis smiled at him as best as he could manage under the circumstances. “I don't mind that, Li, all right? Just because things are shit between Harry and me doesn't mean you can’t be his friend.“

Liam seemed relieved at the statement.

“We should really get going now, I’m so freaking hungry,“ Zayn said, throwing a glance at his watch. “Lou, we decided to not to return to the hotel. There is no need to, anyway, since we all know about the baby and you don't need to hide anymore. Also, your Doc told us that you shouldn't stay somewhere on your own, since you get those dizzy spells or whatever it’s called.“

Louis nodded, not really to keen on going back there anyway. He hadn't really found time to relax at the hotel like he had planned to and now all it would remind him off was this terrible phone call with Harry and his following fainting.

“Okay, whatever,“ he shrugged, slightly reluctant to be a bother to any of them. Why couldn't he be just ‘normal’ pregnant? Why did he need to have those stupid syncopes as well? It was like someone really had it out for him, honestly. 

“Maybe you could come and stay with me for a while?“ Zayn continued. “We could spend some days just us. Play FIFA, order take-out and stuff, you know? Won’t get to do that anytime soon when we leave for tour again.“

The first thing that came to Louis’ mind about going to Zayn’s place was that it was located in London. London, the city which he had sworn to not to return to for a long time — meaning ten years at least. Then again, maybe that had been a stupid plan, too, just like the one to not tell the boys about his pregnancy. Maybe every plan he made all along had been stupid and thoughtless and selfish.

There remained the fact, though, that staying in London would increase his chances of getting discovered by the media, by paparazzi and the likes, and while that wasn't such a big problem now, it certainly would be once his belly would start growing and become obvious. 

In the end, the wish to spend some time with the boys won out though, since he would also get to see Liam and Niall regularly enough at Zayn’s place. One Direction as a band wouldn't be in the country for more than two weeks now, so after spending his time down in London he could safely return to Doncaster, look for a flat in his mum’s neighbourhood or something and fully concentrate on the baby there.

“Well, sounds good to me,“ he agreed, smiling an honest smile.

“Not too much fast-food, though, honey. You’re eating for two now and the little one needs some veggies and vitamins,“ his mum reminded him immediately, but there was mirth in her eyes. “I’ll leave you to it then, okay, boys?“ She spoke to the room at large and Zayn, Niall and Liam nodded kindly. “Take good care of my baby and my grand-baby, understood? And call me if anything happens.“

“Good lord, mum, believe it or not, we are all actually able to live on our own. We've been doing it for years, imagine that! I’m sure everything will be more than fine, okay? Now go home, I’m sure the girls and Ernie and Dan are waiting for you to kiss them goodnight.“

Jay nodded, and although there was a smile on her lips, her eyes still held concern as she looked at him. “Be careful, Louis, I mean it. I don't want anything to happen, not to you nor to the baby. Don’t fret too much about — well, everything, but especially not about Harry. It will work out or it won’t, but either way, you'll be fine. And call me when you get to London safely, yes?“

“Will do, mum, don’t be so anxious. Love you!“ He embraced her, then, with his arms wound around her middle and his forehead pressed to her shoulder, breathing in her familiar mum smell and letting it comfort him.

“I love you too, boo.“

She said her goodbyes to the boys, pressed one last kiss to Louis’ cheek and disappeared from the room shortly after. 

“Come on, then,“ Liam said, walking towards the door, too. “I have your bag in my car, Lou. I packed it when Zayn and Niall were driving you down here, since Harry held me up too long for me to join you then.“ 

“How did you even know to take me here? I never spoke about Dr. Morgan to you, did I?“ 

“Jay told us, of course, after we called her to ask her advice. We were a little out of our depth, with you hanging halfway off your bed, covered in vomit and dead to the world,“ Niall explained, before following Liam through the door.

Cringing at the thought and feeling more than sorry that his friends had to handle him while he was in such a revolting state, Louis joined Zayn on the way out.

\- - - 

_so … i guess that’s it then?_

That was the message that captures Louis attention the next morning, after he had spent a restless night in Zayn’s guest room, thrown off by the noises of London that carried through the half open window. He wasn't used to the never-ending sounds of life and youth that pervaded every night in the city anymore.

Needless to say, after carelessly checking his phone for time and date, he had to fight nausea just five minutes into the day.

So, this is how Harry chose to take all this? He declared it over and done with, not even trying for another conversation, some kind of solution, just something? He quit, just like this, and over a fucking test message no less?

Yes, it was Louis who had ended the argument last night by storming off like he did, but … there wasn't going to come anything off it anyway. That didn't mean that they couldn't at least have tried; another time, another place.

Then again, isn't that what Louis had aimed at those last few weeks? No relationship, no talks, no contact. It was what he had wished for, he couldn't deny that.

Still.

It proved to him once again that Harry didn't mind much either way. He didn't care about what happened to their relationship, to their future, to their love (if there was even any left on his part).

Louis had trouble getting enough air into his lungs as he was sitting in the plush bed, clinging to his phone in the vain hope to make it out of this with his heart and soul at least partly intact.

 _if that is what you want._

He was sure there were about a thousand choices on how to answer Harry’s message, but his fingers wrote the reply without him really thinking and he pressed to little send button while holding his breath. 

Not sure he wanted to see what Harry’s answer would be, if he would even get one, Louis pushed his phone under his pillow and got out of bed, stretching his back and walking into the adjoining bathroom to use the loo and brush his teeth. 

Last minute, he decided to take a shower as well and he was pleased with his decision when the hot water helped to loosen his sore muscles. It felt like he was finally getting off the whole grime that accumulated over the last two days and that still clung to his skin even though he took a quick shower the evening before already.

Back in his temporary room he threw on some soft joggers and a cotton shirt. He felt chilly despite it being June and the sun shining hotly outside, so he searched his bag for his Adidas jacket as well.

He pondered if he should check his phone, but then Zayn called out for him informing him that breakfast was ready and Louis didn't hesitate to leave it stuck under the pillow and turn away from it.

Zayn had outdone himself and it took Louis by surprise since he didn't think he could remember a time when Zayn willingly got out of bed before 11 o’ clock, least of all to make breakfast. But alas, there was a full English twas set on out on Zayn’s fancy dining table. Louis smiled brightly.

“Thanks so much, Zayn, but you really didn't have to do all this,“ he said, waving his hand in the direction of the table. 

Zayn, only dressed in boxers and a thin shirt, turned around with tired eyes but a joyous expression on his face from where he was preparing the tea. “It’s nothing, Lou, I don't mind.“

He walked over with two mugs and set them to each of their plates, before taking a seat. Louis followed suit. 

“How come you're even up at this hour?“ Louis asked, grabbing his fork, a sudden hunger taking over him.

“Well, honestly, I probably wouldn't be, but Liam called me around nine and started to blab about how I was responsible for you now and should make sure you ate enough and healthy as well and got your rest and whatnot. Suffices to say, he made me feel guilty so I got up.“

Louis frowned at that. It was bad enough already that he needed someone to watch out for him 24/7 because of his syncopes. He really didn't need this person to make sure he fulfilled normal human actions such as eating and sleeping. He didn't come here so Zayn could serve as his personal assistant, but so they could spend some time together before he and the boys would leave for the rest of the tour. 

“Please don't stress yourself out about this stuff, Zayn. You can sleep as long as you like and you sure as hell don't have to bother yourself with cooking for me.“ He chewed on his bottom lip, feeling like such a pain in the ass to everyone around him. 

Zayn let his fork sink. “That came out all wrong, Lou,“ he said immediately. “I mean what I said before; I don't mind doing this stuff for you.“

Louis couldn't help the annoyance rising in his chest. “But you don't need to! And you shouldn't have to, either. If anyone, it should be Harry doing all this shit, since he got me into this situation in the first place. But anyway, I’m just fucking pregnant, not ill or dying. I can prepare a meal for myself and I can see to it that I get all the naps that I need. I just —“ He didn't even realise how loudly he was speaking, until his voice cracked. “I just don't want to bother anyone, okay? It was my decision to have this baby and so I’m the one responsible and no one else. I don't need anyone mothering me, Zayn. I don't want that.“

He sighed when he finished talking, feeling worse than before. Seems like he was fucking ungrateful as well, he bitterly thought to himself. 

Zayn didn't say anything, but he also didn't appear all that troubled with Louis’ outburst. 

“I’m so sorry, Zayn. I’m such an idiot. But please don't — don't do all this stuff for me, okay? I’m going to need to take care of myself sooner or later, so there is really no need.“

“I know that, Lou,“ Zayn replies, eyes soft. “Just wanted to give you a proper welcome. Now stop talking, for god’s sake, and eat your food before it’s entirely cold.“

Shaking his head with a loving smile directed at his best mate, overwhelmed with affection, Louis finally used the fork hanging limply in his hand to shovel more food into his mouth.

The room was silent then, apart from the radio playing some top 40 hits, until Louis unsuspectingly tasted his tea and nearly spit it out all over the table. “What is this?“ He asked, disgusted. 

“Uhm, some herbal tea blend. I don't really now, Jay brought it with her last night and gave it to me. She said you shouldn't drink so much Yorkshire anymore, since it’s got too much caffeine. Honestly, Lou, you're the pregnant one. Do your damn research! What the hell do I know about caffeine? I’m drinking three cups of coffee in the morning.“ 

The fact that Zayn was chuckling while saying this made Louis laugh as well. He really wouldn't be able to handle it if his friend made serious accusations at him for being a bad pregnant person. Apart from that, Louis of course knew that he should do some research eventually. If he wanted to be as independent as he had told Zayn only minuted before, he needed to know all this stuff — what was good and bad and dangerous for his baby. He couldn't always rely on his mother steering him in the right direction.

They finished their breakfast quickly after, Louis gulping down his tea with squinted eyes while Zayn enjoyed his coffee with a wide smirk. Louis glowered at him. 

\- - - 

Zayn had decided to watch some TV in the living room and to maybe get in a nap before lunch, since the early awaking seemed to have drained him unreasonably much, Louis retreated to his room.

Instantly, his gaze fell upon his pillow, and with flaring nerves he got his phone out. He had dozens of notifications already and it was hard to make out if one of them was from Harry, so he simply unlocked his phone, ignored the missed calls that were surely from management and PR regarding his interview, and clicked on the green WhatsApp button. On top was a message from Stan, followed by Fizzy’s name and then — there was Harry, above another ten or so messages from close friends that he had ignored ever since the article about his quitting came out. He knew what they all would ask, anyway: Why? Why did you do this? Why are you so stupid?

Louis couldn't even pretend to be bothered by it all, just pressed on Harry’s name that was still marked with the old school heart symbol, consisting of the triangle sign and a simple three, obviously Harry’s doing from a million years ago. Louis hadn't ever found it in him to change it. 

_you made it pretty clear that you hadn't anything more to say to me last night_

Once again, a burst of anger flashed through Louis. Harry really was laying it on thick with the self-pity. How could he even dare to act this way? Pretending like he was hurt or even offended by Louis’ behaviour, when Louis hadn't gotten anything but Harry’s cold shoulder for the last months. Louis couldn't judge whether Harry just played at being this ignorant or if he really was, and he couldn't say which option would irritate him more. 

Unable to contain himself, he put his chagrin into words. 

_you really have a fucked up view on reality, harry. you practically ignored me for months. then you show up out of the blue and what? honestly, what were you even expecting?_

Sitting down on his bed, he waited for Harry’s reply. 

He couldn't believe they were having this conversation over the phone after all. 

Then again, maybe it was better this way. He wouldn't have to face Harry, not sure how he would handle a repeat of the evening before anyway. And maybe, like this, they could just do what seemed to be long overdue: set an end to this terrible state that they were calling a relationship and get on with their separate lives. 

They weren't meant to be. They just weren’t. 

The understanding still hurt Louis with a burning intensity. 

His phone chirped and he locked at Harry’s words with a heavy heart.

_look, louis, i know i’ve acted really shitty for quite some time now, but i really wanted to talk to you … about all this, this entire situation. how was i supposed to know what you wanted after you stormed off like you did?_

Louis moaned, exasperated and at a loss for what to type back. He mulled it over in his head, unable to decide, not satisfied with anything. In the end, he went with his gut and bluntly said what he wanted to be said.

 _so what? i act like a dick once and you are under the impression everything is over? wow! if i had known that you feel this way i would have snapped at you months ago and have you end things then and there. maybe would have spared myself at least some of the heartbreak i’m going through now._

As soon as the blue hooks appeared, labelling the message as read, he threw his phone onto his nightstand and left his room, pacing the dimly lit corridor with shaking hands.

That was it. That …

Fuck!

Why did he write that?

Harry could only take this message one way, really. As Louis wanting this relationship to end. And, part of Louis wanted that, too. He wanted to stop worrying about Harry. He wanted to start his healing process. He wanted to be alive again. And anyway, there really wasn't any kind of relationship left to speak of. 

The only logically conclusion was to end it, cut all ties and move on.

But — still.

If Harry ended their relationship now, Louis would be single. He would be single and definitely alone and he would never ever get a chance to fix things with Harry. He hadn’t been single since he was 18 and the thought of going out into this scary world, alone and pregnant and without anyone to claim as his boyfriend, it was so fucking terrifying to imagine. 

He burst into tears, feeling too stressed out to properly function. With his vision blurred as it was he stumbled into the living room, thankful that Zayn was there and ready to cradle him the minute he saw the state Louis was in.

It felt like he spent an eternity sobbing into Zayn’s shoulder, ruining his shirt with salty tears. He felt light-headed and cut open and everything was such a mess.

Why did his life have to be such a damn mess? 

Finally, Zayn pulled away from him and headed for the kitchen, coming back with a jug of clear water and a glass. He poured it fully up and handed it to Louis, who had difficulties in holding it still.

“Drink up! You know you need a fuckload of water.“

Louis did as he was told, emptying the glass in a matter of seconds. Zayn poured him another. They repeated the circle.

Surprisingly, the water made Louis feel more human again. He stopped shaking and the burning behind his eyes slowly faded. “Thank you,“ he mumbled, burying himself into the sofa Zayn had vacated to hold him in his arms. 

He was such a wreck. 

“What happened, Lou?“ was Zayn’s response.

Louis began to nibble on his fingernails as a way to distract himself. He couldn't stand to face Zayn and admit that he and Harry had texted about the status of their relationship instead of meeting up and talking like normal adults would do, since the other boy surely wouldn't approve of that.

“It’s about Harry, isn't it?“ Zayn said then, muting the TV that was running non-stop at high volume.

Louis nodded, shyly.

“Come on, Lou, tell me. You know you'll feel better after,“ Zayn persuaded him gently.

Louis sighed and sniffed his nose, before he began to explain everything that they had sent each other since the morning.

Zayn looked disappointed and irritated.

“You shouldn't have texted him back in the first place,“ Zayn reprimand him. 

“I couldn't help myself,“ Louis whined, furiously rubbing away any remaining tears that still stuck to his cheeks. He fucking hated crying and in the last weeks had done enough to last him for a lifetime.

Zayn nodded, as though he knew he would say that. He quietly poured another glass of water and handed it to Louis, watching him sharply as he sipped on it. “Look, Louis, you honestly can’t go on like this. Whatever the deal between you and Harry is, you can’t call it a relationship anymore. And — I know you love him with your whole heart, Lou, but you have to stop this. This is unhealthy, it’s dragging you down and taking up all of your energy. And if the circumstances were any different that maybe would be okay, because it would be something that only concerned you, but now — Louis, you are pregnant. Your baby is dependant on you and it needs you to be at your best; strong, robust, fit, at the top of your game. It is the only damn thing you should spend any time worrying over, okay? Harry is — Harry is not your priority right now. And I know you know that, too. So go and do what you know you have to do. Do the right thing and — just get this over with.“

Louis squeezed his eyes shut, desperately fighting to not loose it. Zayn was speaking the truth. He was acting foolish, waiting for something that wasn't going to happen. He would have to face to reality of it all. He needed to accept the facts.

He loved Harry, yeah.

But Harry didn't love him anymore. Maybe cared to some degree, because they spent five years together and that wasn't something to easily ignore. No love, though. And there was no chance for any romantic relationship if love was missing, was there? The idea was ridiculous. 

Swallowing the bile that rose to his throat, Louis nodded weakly and opened his eyes again.

Zayn was looking at him and it touched Louis deeply that he seemed really devastated over what he had just told Louis, a miserable glint in his red eyes.

“I’m so sorry,“ Zayn said, nearly a whisper, his hands reaching out for Louis.

“I know,“ Louis choked out, heaving. 

The empty glass toppled to the ground with a dull thud as Louis let go of it to fall into Zayn’s arms once more.

\- - -

Louis busied himself with preparing some sandwiches for lunch, deciding on to not check his phone and letting the entire Harry situation go at least for the day. Zayn didn't urge him, either, since he knew for certain that Louis would end the relationship as soon as he got himself ready for it. There was no need to pressure him further.

They ate the sandwiches while watching various episodes of Two Broke Girls on Zayn’s MacBook, a series which Louis found startlingly witty and fun. He could actually learn a thing or two of Max’s character in matters of sass, thinking fondly of the fans that had always enjoyed this side of him. 

Otherwise, their day went uneventful. Zayn promised him a FIFA tournament the next afternoon, though, including Niall and Liam and tons of healthy snacks and herbal tea for Louis. Louis turned his nose up, pretending he didn't listen.

“You know, we need to plan what you’re going to say on Friday,“ Zayn mentioned, late in the evening as they were sitting on the balcony overlooking London and getting lost in the shining lights before them. They were high enough up that no one could see them, the fresh breeze ruffling Louis’ hair. “In your interview with Good Morning Britain,“ Zayn added when Louis clearly couldn't follow his thought process.

And, actually, Louis had totally banned this from his mind. It was all the more forcefully crashing into him now, the realisation that he had to step out into the public eye one last time, contractually obliged, to give his reasons on why he was leaving the most famous and successful boy band on the planet.

He visually slumped when he remembered it all.

“I’m going to mess that up spectacularly,“ he said straightaway, knowing it to be true. “What the hell am I going to tell them, Zayn? What in the world is a good enough reason to leave a perfectly amazing band that I was more than happy being a part of, when it can’t be the truth — meaning, a pregnancy or a break-up. Fucking hell.“ 

Groaning, he sank lower down into his chair, cradling the cup of hot milk he had been craving for the simple weird reason that he was pregnant. He hadn't even put cocoa in it, since the baby obviously didn't fancy that idea. Just plain old milk.

“Well,“ Zayn paused, contemplative. “You could just say that you have personal reasons that you don't want to expand on, something like that. It won’t really placate the fans, but honestly, no answer probably will. Either way, they will be heartbroken and feel abandoned. You should just make sure that they now how much you have always appreciate them, how thankful you are, how much everything 1D related means to you. And apart from the fans, I don't think anything matters to you, or am I wrong?“ 

Louis considered that, while Zayn took a swig from his beer bottle. Louis envied him, if only a bit. It was just that alcohol sounded like something he could use right now to let go of all the things weighing him down.

“I guess I could do that,“ he finally said. “As long as I do nothing to jeopardise the interview. Modest will find a way to chain me to the contract if I don't deliver to their contentedness.“

Zayn nodded, his eyes slightly hooded and his posture relaxed. “You’re right. Well, we could always practice some questions and answers with Niall and Liam tomorrow. And we’ll of course accompany you to the studios. It will all turn out okay.“

Louis sighed, hoping that Zayn will be proven right as he turned his gaze to watch over the city. 

\- - - 

He fell into bed not much later, feeling unexpectedly serene and warm after the hot milk. Maybe his baby had good taste after all, he thought fondly, letting his finger slide over his tummy. Obviously, there wasn't any visible change from two days ago to now, but as he let his hands linger he had the impression that the skin directly over his pubic bone felt more taut. As if the skin was adjusting to stretch soon, ready to give his baby the room it needed to grow.

If he was counting right, he had just started into his 13th week of pregnancy, meaning he was at the beginning of his fourth month already. Time had really gone by fast since Dr. Dearing back in the US first told him about the baby.

It seemed unbelievable, all that had happened since then.

His eyes were drooping, but he wasn't ready for sleep yet. It took him some effort to get out of the comfy blankets to go to the bathroom and brush his teeth. Only when he returned his eyes fell onto his phone, still lying where he left it hours before.

His hands were calm when he took it.

He knew what he had to do, for his baby, but for himself as well.

There were several texts from Harry.

_i never realised i hurt you so bad. i’m so sorry louis! i don't know what to say._

The next one had come in nearly half an hour later and as he read it, Louis’ heart skipped.

_i don't want to break up. i really honestly don’t. sorry for even suggesting it before! i wasn't thinking._

And there were more.

_we should really meet up to talk lou. like, talk properly. even if you want to end things, don't let us do this over text. i think i owe you some explanations. please!_

_i really want to see you …_

After those, nothing had come in for ages. When Louis finally let his eyes scan the last message, he felt like passing out and he was sure it had nothing at all to do with the pregnancy this time around.

_i love you._

\- - -

Louis wandered through Wednesday morning in a complete haze. If Zayn noticed, he chose not to say a word as Louis ate his breakfast with unfocused eyes and drank his herbal tea without a complaint.

He hadn't answered any of Harry’s messages, not sure how he was supposed to break-up then, after reading the words he had most agonisingly longed and suffered to hear from Harry. It was hard to even recognise how he was feeling, when everything inside his head was a blurry mess.

To his surprise, it was the baby that managed to keep him from doing something stupid. Like screaming and trashing his room to pieces, or crying and sobbing in the shower until the water ran cold. Also from getting a car ago drive over to Harry’s place to either slap him or get wrecked by him until he couldn't see straight. He did none of those things, feeling the need to act rational because … because there was this little human inside of him and he couldn't lose his mind over this situation, simple as that. And — well. Banning all feelings from getting the chance to nestle in his chest and wreak havoc there was seemingly the way to go.

In the afternoon, when Liam and Niall came over with tons of take-away and greasy snacks, they tried out some possible interview questions and, feeling as detached from everything as he did, Louis was actually great at answering them short but sufficiently. Niall clapped him on the shoulder proudly and Liam nodded satisfied, a broad smile on his lips when they finished up. Only Zayn stood with his arms crossed in front of his chest, a puzzled look to his eyes as he observed Louis quietly.

“Let’s get to FIFA, then,“ Niall exclaimed excitedly, not noticing the tension radiating from Zayn, instead making his way over to Zayn’s gaming system and getting everything ready. Liam clapped his hands and got up as well, taking the take-away containers they had emptied during their mock interview and bringing them to the kitchen to trash them.

Zayn took a seat on the sofa that was now vacated, except for Louis, who sat with his knees tucked to his upper body. 

“So, are you going to tell me what exactly Harry wrote that got you so out of it?“ he asked, blunt as ever. 

It was still astonishing to Louis how Zayn could just take a look at him and read the troubles of his face without blinking, never once being mistaken when he posed a casual questions like the one he just did. 

“I can’t,“ Louis responded meekly.

“Why is that?“

“Because you will want me to end things with him still and — I wanted that, too, but now. I’m so fucking confused. I hate him for doing this to me over and over again. I was ready to let him go, I swear I was Zayn. I was ready to just type the words out but he … How can he — how can he have this kind of power over me still?“ Louis’ voice was nearly a whisper, less because he didn't want Niall and Liam to hear him, he didn't care much about them knowing, but more because he felt so emotionally unstable he couldn't find the strength in himself to talk anymore forcefully. 

Zayn shook his head, appearing upset, his brows furrowed. Louis huddled deeper into the sofa cushions, feeling like he disappointed his friend. He certainly was disappointed in himself. But when Zayn turned to look at him again, after letting his eyes wander the room as if searching for answers in the furniture, his expression was soft.

“Lou, I would never force you to do anything, you know that, yeah? What I said yesterday — that was my honest opinion on all of this. I just want the best for you and your baby, because that is important now and nothing else. But, if you can’t do it, then — I don't know, I wouldn't judge you. After all, I can’t know what’s the best for you in the end, can I?“ Zayn scratched his nose, seeming caught up in his own mind. “I just don't want you to destroy yourself while you figure out if you can ever find a way to survive without Harry. To live without Harry. There is a way, you know, but I don't think you will ever be ready to go it if you don't give yourself the chance to.“

Louis was biting his lips raw and bloody, feeling Zayn’s words burn his insides. He didn't want to be that person, the one Zayn insinuated he was when it came to Harry. He didn't want to go running back to the man who hurt him most in the world and forgive him just like that, just because they wrote three measly words into a fucking text message after months of coldness and absence, just because he suddenly realised he may care after all.

And while the thought that he realised: he was that person already, no denying there. It made nausea well up in is guts, the Chinese food from minutes before heavy in his stomach.

“What the fuck am I doing, Zayn?“ 

Zayn gave a tired smile at that. “The best you can do in a situation like this, I guess. You're fighting to make everything better, Lou, one way or another, and that is a lot already I think.“

“I’m so weak for him. I hate myself for that.“ Shaking his head, Louis sat up straighter when he saw Liam reentering the living room with bowls of crisps and gummy bears in hand and what looked like a freshly brewed tea for Louis specifically. His friends really were the very best.

They let the topic go, then, and even though Louis knew he wasn't even half a step closer to a solution of any kind, he somehow arouse from his daze and finally began to enjoy the time with his boys. They started the first of many rounds of FIFA, Louis sipping his herbal brew while the boys had a few beers each, all of them helping themselves to the snacks Liam had put out on the coffee table. Zayn seemed like he had to fight himself every time his hand wandered towards the crisps and it amused Louis greatly. That boy was so vain sometimes. Liam on the other hand mentioned at least fifteen timed about how he was going to hit the gym tomorrow, as if he had justify himself in some way for eating all this junk. 

Louis took it rather easy. He was going to get fat either way, he might as well savour it. 

It was late when they finally shut FIFA of, Louis having won a majority of the games, as per usual. He put a playfully lofty smirk onto his lips and Niall stuck his tongue out at him in retaliation. 

“Shall we watch a movie before calling it a night?“ Liam asked into the emerging silence, his face sharp in the shadows that settled over the room as the only light came from the bright monstrosity of TV Zayn had installed into his wall. 

“We shall,“ Niall responded, playing with the remote and activating Zayn’s Netflix. “Anyone any wishes?“

“How about ‘Juno’?“ Zayn suggested.

Louis rolled his eyes. How funny.

“No, come on, Zayn,“ Liam spoke up. “I’d rather go with ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’; might give Louis here a useful hints for the coming months.“

“Aren’t you two just hilarious?“ Louis said drily, but he couldn't help the quirk of his upper lip. He was honestly just glad that the fact that he was actually going to have a baby didn't make his friends act weird around him. It wasn't a given, he knew that, as many men still struggled against discrimination and harassment during their pregnancies, just because they weren't as common as women’s.

“I like to think so, yes,“ Zayn said grinning.

“That’s why I should be your favourite, Lou. I’d watch Spiderman with you,“ Niall piped up and Louis moved over to where the Irish boy was sitting, snuggling up to him in an overly exaggerated way. Niall took it in stride, slinging his arm around Louis.

“Traitor!“ Liam accused Niall, snatching the remote from him. 

To Louis’ amusement they actually ended up watching Juno. He himself didn't much care either way, but it seemed as if Liam, Zayn and Niall wanted to actually get all the information from the movie they could get about pregnancy and pregnant people. 

It was so sweet Louis had to discreetly wipe his wet eyes on a sofa throw blanket. Niall’s arm, which still rested where he had left it around Louis’ shoulder, tightened slightly. They both pretended nothing had happened.

It was then, in the tranquility of the room, settled in between his friends and feeling like an actual human for the first time in forever, that Louis said: “Harry texted me last night, and said that he doesn't want to break-up. He told me he loves me.“ It was uttered so cautiously that Louis wasn't sure if anyone had heard him at all.

Then, someone paused the movie.

“And — what did you text back?“ Liam asked, his tone encouraging.

“Nothing. I don't know what to say. Like, I — I was about to end the relationship when I read his messages, actually.“

“Well shit,“ Niall mumbled, baffled, from next to him and Louis wondered if that really was such a surprise to him. He must have anticipated it, at least.

“But when I read those words, something — something snapped in me. I’ve waited for freaking months for him to tell me and — it felt like I could breathe freely again for the first time in forever. That’s so sad, too, since he didn't even say it to my face or anything, just randomly tapped a few buttons on his phone, but it still — it still meant so much to me. I can’t even understand myself.“ He was chewing his thumb nail before he even consciously made the decision to.

“I don't understand Harry,“ Liam sighed then, rubbing his left hand all over his face. 

Louis chuckled humourlessly. “Tell me about it.“

After that, no one seemed to know what to say next and Louis couldn't blame them. He didn't want to end the night on such a serious note, so he grabbed the remote from where it lay on the coffee table and pressed play again. 

\- - -

Louis still hadn't answered Harry’s text when Friday morning came around. He awoke with sweat dripping down his face, his hands cramped around the soft blanket that was tangled between his feet. Thinking about the interview had robbed him of hours of sleep that night, as he just couldn't shake the nightmares that infiltrated his exhausted mind over and over again. 

Zayn entered his bedroom only minutes after Louis’ alarm had gone off, hair messy and eyes droopy. Louis was grateful he was there, awake despite the early hour, trying to reassure him with gentle and cheerful words as Louis took a shower to wash away the nights bad dreams that still haunted him. While Zayn picked out a comfortable outfit for him for the way over to the studios, Louis brushed his teeth and tried to manage his hair, but soon gave up. He knew Lou and Caroline would be over there, waiting for him, helping him one last time to make a presentable and dashing entrance before vanishing from the stage forever — or for at least a very long time. 

He was pleasantly surprised when the driver made a stop on the way to the studios and Niall and Liam jumped into the car, both tucked into large jumpers as the morning air was so chilly. 

“Thanks so much for coming with me, guys,“ Louis said then, a thick lump in his throat as the thought hit him that this was actually the last time they would drive for a staged public appearance together, even if they weren't going to participate in the interview. Sadness washed over him in cold, suffocating waves. 

He couldn't believe that this was it!

When they entered the studios through a back entrance, since there were actually fans out front, waiting for them to arrive, even at this hour, Louis was immediately pulled into a tight hug by both Caroline and Lou. It broke his heart a bit more, thinking about everyone he was about to leave behind — their whole crew, choreographers and vocal coaches, bodyguards and technicians. Being here, for his actually last appearance as Louis Tomlinson of One Direction, and realising he would see so many people probably never again sent stinging pain through his heart and soul. 

It wasn't fair that it all had to end in an interview that was staged by Modest to make him look like a terrible person who would just abandon everyone and everything out of a whim, when it really was for so much more solid reasons. 

Lou gave him a hundred smiles through the mirror while she was busy putting a light layer of makeup on his face so he wouldn't look sickly pale on TV and Caroline showed him half a dozen outfits, making him choose so he could look his very best and be most comfortable for the interview. Both women seemed to have guessed that his decision to quit the band hadn't been one he took easy or made without a proper broken heart. They were so kind and lovely that Louis had to bite the inside of his cheeks to not openly bawl over the whole situation. 

He met the hosts after he was done with hair and make-up and dressed in his favourite black skinny jeans from tour, that sat actually a little tight on his waist which made Louis even more sentimental, and a soft burgundy cashmere sweater that fell in a nice swoop over his collarbones and let his chest tattoo peek out.

Both women he was supposed to do the interview were nice enough when they greeted him, even if their hair seemed too perfectly styled and their smiles too bright and white. He knew those kinds of people — they could pretend to be the most friendly human beings on the planet and then ask intrusive questions that actually numbed you for a few seconds because you were too shocked to answer.

He hoped for the best, anyway. 

\- - - 

The last twenty minutes before the show were spent with Zayn, Niall and Liam in a small room in the backstage area with two worn-out sofas and a coffee maker. Louis stared at it longingly until Liam took mercy and made him half a cup. Louis was reluctant to drink it, though, until Liam promised him that a little caffein every now and then wouldn't harm his baby in any way.

Why did Liam know this and Louis didn’t? 

He needed to get this research done, for fuck’s sake!

There was a knock on the door and Louis’ stomach turned, sure it would be a stage hand coming to escort him to the front. His voice was scratchy when he asked the person in. 

Curly brown locks were the first thing Louis’ eyes fell on and his body lacked any energy for a reaction when Harry walked into the room. He felt how Zayn tensed beside him and Liam promptly got overly antsy, his leg starting to move restlessly. 

“Hey there, Harry,“ Niall said, the only one left in the room with any kind of sense. He even smiled at the newcomer and Harry smiled back thankfully before greeting everyone.

“What are you doing here right now? I mean, you need to have recognised that this certainly isn't the time for a relationship talk?“ Zayn spoke up, foregoing any welcoming words. He sounded rather stiff and it made Louis feel so guilty — he really didn't want to be the reason for Harry and Zayn’s friendship to shatter.

“It’s okay, Zayn,“ he said therefore and got up from his seat, smoothing down his jumper before walking towards Harry. “Let’s have a quick word outside, okay?“ He said to the boy and walked past him through the door without waiting for an answer. He knew Harry would follow and funnily, it was the first thing he had known about Harry in a long time. It was so insignificant, too. 

Harry closed the door behind him and turned to Louis. It was pure luck that the corridor was empty.

Before Louis could utter a word, Harry started speaking and there was a fiery determination in his eyes. “I know you don't have much time left so let me just get out what I have to say, okay? Like, there are a millions things I have to say and I won’t have nearly enough time now, but just — if you're quitting because of me, I beg you to please don't do that. This is your fucking dream and — you belong here, in this band, on these stages. You are made for this, I swear to God, and I don't want you to give it up just because I’m such an asshole.“

Louis wanted to interrupt him, but Harry continued at a tempo he normally only reached when he was really damn angry. Now he seemed only desperate to say what he had to say. Louis closed his mouth again. 

“Please, whatever you do, don't do it on my account. That’s all I want. I don't want to be the reason you give up your dreams, I wouldn't be able to live with myself —“

“Harry,“ Louis said forcefully, then, not able to listen anymore. “It’s not you, okay? Like, everything between us is so fucked up, but you are not the reason. Okay?“

Harry nodded, timidly, not appearing to be convinced. 

“Is that all? Because I really can’t do this right now, I’m a mess as it is —“

“Why didn't you answer my messages? You read them, I know.“ 

Louis was only moments away from breaking into hysterical laughter. This couldn't be happening. “Harry, please,“ he begged, voice feeble and eyes flitting about uneasily.

“I’m sorry, yeah, this is not the time. Sorry.“ Harry ran his fingers through his curls, looking to be equally as anxious as Louis felt. “Just, can we talk? Please? I’ll let you go now, but later? We could go for breakfast somewhere, anything you want.“

Louis was torn, feeling frantically like getting away from Harry, like he did back in the clinic. He also just wanted to finally have this talk — knowing that whatever it would bring, he would at least have clarity after. 

So he gave a short nod just as an old man in a headset came around the corner, beckoning him to follow. Louis went with his heart hammering in his chest and his stomach churning. 

He needed to stay calm and think clear and, first and foremost, he needed to not fucking faint right now. While he was giving himself a silent pep-talk Harry’s voice rang from behind him, strong and faithful.

“Good luck, Lou!“

\- - -


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! :)
> 
> I'm so, so, so unsure about this chapter. Have been ever since I planned it, honestly. I changed my mind about it so often and I just hope I won't disappoint you too much if this isn't what you expected. Ugh, I'm sorry in advance.
> 
> Also, as you may have noticed, I’m not exactly on point with the OTRA tour. Everything is like a month early, I guess, but apart from that all places should be the in the correct order. It’s not even that important, I just wanted to give you a heads-up in case you were wondering.
> 
> In other news, the talk is finally coming up.
> 
> Edit: I wanted to give a warning at this point, since there is one topic in this chapter that might be a no-go for some readers. For everyone who is unsure about wether to read this or not I will add an end note to this chapter and you can scroll down and have a look and be save.
> 
> Please enjoy reading,  
> Julia x

To say it lightly, Louis was freaking out as soon as the bright stage lights hit him in the face. It felt so unnecessary, ridiculous even. He was used to being in the spotlight, after all. God damn it, he had sung in front of millions of people over the last five years, had been tracked down by paparazzi, had given tons of interviews, too. He should have no difficulties talking to two presenters in an otherwise nearly empty studio. 

Still, his steps were weak and everything in him was screaming at him to turn around and bolt.

But — on the other side of that door, Harry was waiting for him. That was a situation that didn't scare him any less. 

He had nowhere to go, as much as he wanted to.

So his steps carried him to the women who were ready to greet him once again, for the cameras. He couldn't even remember their names, was too out of it to even think straight, so he just called them Blondie and Smiley in his head while he shook their hands.

He took a seat on the sofa left of them and folded is hands in his lap, anxiously waiting for the first question and desperately wishing this was over already.

“So, Louis, you provided quite the news last Sunday when the news broke that you were leaving One Direction. How have you been coping since then? Any terrible backlash in the media? Any trouble with the other band members? Just tell us how you're doing,“ Blondie started right away, her legs elegantly thrown over one another. 

What a way to go in!

“Well,“ Louis started, feeling his stomach churn. “So far, I’ve been good, thanks. I haven't really checked up on the news of my leaving, to be honest. Haven't been on Twitter for almost a week and refrained from reading any newspapers or magazines. I imagine the fans are pretty disappointed, though, and I would totally understand that. It was all rather sudden.“ He paused then, bringing his thoughts in order and trying to answer everything Blondie had asked him. 

“Otherwise, I can assure everyone that there is no fighting going on between me and the boys whatsoever. They all are — they have my back, really, and I’m so grateful for that. They understand my decision as I had my reasons. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing.“

The presenters nodded with charming smiles, checking over their cards that surely had their bullet points written on them.

“You say you had your reasons, Louis. Can you give us any more information on that? Many of your fans are frantically waiting for a clear statement.“ This time Smiley posed the question and even though Louis knew this one was coming up, he still felt raw and exposed and entirely out of place. 

How could he ever just lay his reasons out for them on national television? Did they really expect an honest answer from him?

“I can’t give any details, I’m sorry. I just want everyone to know that I made this decision for personal reasons and that I thought it thoroughly over for a long time. It wasn't easy in any way, shape or form. It really — it broke my heart to leave the boys and the band and the fans and everything behind. One Direction was my dream come true and I’m so thankful for the great, extraordinary — just, fantastic time I had over the last five years. And I’m so sorry that it has to end now, way too soon, truly, but there simply isn't another way. Those personal things, they are — they are too close to my heart to just push into the background and that’s why I had to quit the band.“

That was all he could say on that matter and although he put his self into those words and tried to be as sincere as he could be, he still wasn't sure if it was enough for everyone out there who he had abandoned when he left One Direction. But he couldn't say any more without outright lying or telling the complete and full truth in front of millions of viewers. This was all he had to give.

“Well,“ Smiley said and her eyes were dull, like she expected more out of him, a more spectacular and sensational answer. Something to fill the headlines. Louis wasn't all that sorry that he couldn't deliver. “I guess we’ll see over the next few days, weeks and even months if your fans are satisfied with this answer.“ She laughed overly la-di-da and patted his thigh. “Else you’ll just have to come back once again and give us the whole truth, huh?“ 

Louis didn't even try to laugh at her joke, just pulled his face in a smile that probably rather looked like a grimace.

Blondie, either because she felt his tension or wanted to make the most of their fifteen minute interview frame, interrupted with a new question. “What are your plans now, Louis? You are free from the band. Any plans of starting a solo career?“

Shaking his head vehemently, Louis wondered if these women were even listening to him. “Obviously not,“ he replied, not able to keep the sassiness out of his voice. At least the fans would appreciate that, he thought. “My personal reasons aren't going to vanish just because I quit the band. I still won’t have the time nor the energy to record music and plan concert tours.“ He cleared his throat. His heart was still beating rapidly and he didn't feel the slightest bit calmer. “I’m planning on staying out of the public eye, actually, for quite some time.“

The twin smiles the women shared with one another showed that they weren't convinced with his answer. He hated this, all of this. He wanted to leave. His eyes flitted to the stage doors that were out of the cameras angle of view. He might even prefer a conversation with Harry over this dilemma. 

Only the fact that Modest would force him to further abide the contract held him back from running away. Instead, he tuned into reality once again, listening to the next question Smiley read from her card. 

Less than ten minutes left.

He could pull through this.

\- - - 

Louis felt drained, disheartened and close to tears when he finally entered the backstage area, leaving the blinding lights behind him. 

This had to have been the most terrible, horrible interview he ever had to endure. Those women were plain cruel, trying to get as many invasive questions in there as possible and not letting him get away with skirting around the edges of the topics they broached.

Apart from the obvious all around theme of the interview, his leaving of the band, they also tried to find out more gossip about the other boys. They tried to get him to admit that there were inner band troubles and he was so frustrated with it all that he nearly told Blondie to shut up about it. Also, they obviously couldn't let this opportunity pass and poked around in his love life, firmly suggesting again and again that it was a girl he was ultimately leaving the band for and Louis, being Louis, couldn't help but burst out that he wasn’t interested in dating girls at all, just to get them to finally stop talking.

Which, that had been a fucking huge mistake.

He felt powerless as he sank down against the next wall, not caring who was walking by or maybe even snapping photos of him to sell to one stupid magazine or another. 

He had seen the excited glint in Smiley’s eyes when he had let slip that, really, he didn't care to date a girl. He could basically see the way her brain came up with a million and one questions instantly, ranging from his sexuality to any boys he fancied or male closeted celebrities he had maybe been with, and, not to forget — Harry, which had always remained a hot topic of interest for the public. 

It was time running out that literally saved him in the last fucking second, as Blondie, with a truly upset frown at not getting to dive into that particular topic, ended the interview and announced the commercials coming up. 

And now Louis was sitting here, dry heaving, wondering if he kinda just came out on live TV and not feeling much of anything apart from panic.

\- - -

He only looked up when he felt warm hands landing on his shoulders. Zayn was gazing down on him. He looked livid, eyes dark and face stony, but his expression softened when he seemed to notice Louis’ wet eyes.

“Up you go, come on. Don’t want those vultures getting any more money out of you today taking sneaky pictures of you in this state,“ Zayn said, throwing scorching glances over his shoulders at everyone passing them, and gently helped Louis stand up. 

Louis’ legs were shaking so much he felt like they were going to give out on him.

“Zayn,“ he gasped, not even sure what he was going to say, just blindly searching for something to strengthen him. 

“I’ve got you, Lou. It’ll be okay. Those bitches —“ He grumbled under his breath, but Louis was too distraught to listen.

It was really just Zayn holding Louis up and almost dragging him back to the room the other boys probably were still waiting in. Louis felt about to collapse when Zayn finally opened the door. Liam was up in a second, taking his free arm and helping him get to the sofa. 

Louis didn't perceive much of anything, with his eyes closed and his lips pressed together as he tried to come to terms with what just happened. What had he done?

“Drink that, Lou, you know what the Doctor told you,“ Niall’s voice said from somewhere to his right and he felt a cool glass being pressed into his hand. Blinking slowly, he brought it up to his lips and emptied it in a few large gulps, feeling shaky. 

Then, his eyes focused on the room, on the tiny TV screen that surely had transmitted the interview he just gave right to the boys. He saw Harry, who was pacing the room across from him, his hands buried into his pant pockets and hair messy around his face as he looked towards Louis with deeply concerned eyes, seemingly unsure if he should come any closer or if that would overstep his boundaries.

“I don’t feel good,“ Louis mumbled then, turning his gaze from the boy and putting his glass onto the small coffee table. 

“Do you think you're going to pass out again?“ Liam asked immediately, voice worried as he placed a warm hand on Louis’ clammy forehead. “Just breathe, Louis.“

And Louis did, great lungfuls of air passing through him. He didn't feel like passing out, if a little faint. But overall, he just had the urge to vomit all over the place. 

So — he did. 

His body curled forward jerkily and he was spewing the contents of his stomach all over the wooden floor before his feet without even realising he was about to. Niall made a sound of disgust and distanced himself from Louis with a quietly murmured “Sorry.“ Louis didn't blame him. This was rather revolting and under other circumstances he would have been dead ashamed, but he couldn't find it in him to care much now when his entire body contracted painfully.

There were hands on his back once again, but this time it weren't Zayn’s skinny fingers massaging over his shoulder blades, but Harry’s strong ones. He would really recognise these fingers anywhere. He couldn't help but relax into the grip, letting his head fall back when he knew there wasn't anymore puke coming up. His hair was sticking to his sweaty face and nape and he felt utterly nasty all over.

“Done now, Lou?“ Harry asked, voice small.

“Looks like it, mate,“ Zayn replied instead of Louis, his voice still stilted and offish when talking to Harry. Louis loved Zayn fiercely for his loyalty, even if it had never been his intention to drive a wedge between Harry and Zayn. “Let’s get out of here.“ 

Louis nodded weakly, getting up with difficulty and carefully stepping around his vomit. He fell into Zayn’s open arms, feeling vapid and tired now, and also in pressing need of more liquids.

Neither of the boys said another word as they hastily made their way out of the studio and into the large van that had been scheduled to pick them up. Louis slid into the backseat after Zayn and when he turned his head, his eyes fell on Harry, who was standing rather lost next to the open door, appearing unsure whether to get in as well or not.

“Not today, I think, Harry.“ It was Niall, surprisingly, who spoke up, his hand on the car door handle as he threw Harry an apologetic wave.

Harry bit his lip, before nodding his head in surrender and turning around to organise himself a car.

And if it made Louis feel even worse to see Harry walk away dejectedly like that, nobody had to know.

\- - -

Zayn made him drink a litre of water and eat two granola bars, then sent him to bed, not listening to Louis declaring he was feeling better already.

So Louis spent the day in bed, switching between watching series on Netflix and napping, constantly drinking water or cold tea and running to the toilette appropriately often. 

He tried to avoid every thought of the morning; meaning mainly everything about the interview, but also all about Harry’s unexpected showing up. He didn't know what to make of any of it, his head feeling overstuffed and hot, not able to cope. 

In the evening Zayn brought him Spaghetti with some sort of sauce that Louis wasn’t able to identify, exactly. It tasted rather great so he didn't much care. Louis also got another tea, real Yorkshire this time.

“Liam explicitly told me to give it to you, since it should give your body a boost of energy and you could use that. So don't worry,“ Zayn explained to him just when Louis was about to open his mouth and voice a question about the caffeine. 

Nodding and not arguing any further, Louis greedily took large sips from the hot beverage, not even caring that he was burning his tongue. God, he really missed his Yorkshire.

“I should probably tell you that the public took your statement about not being interested in dating girls absolutely literally. Louis Tomlinson coming out as gay will be the biggest headline in every paper tomorrow, I’m afraid.“ 

It wasn't like Louis hadn't expected it, but the fact that he was kind of officially out of the closet now still made him swallow hard. It was just — it wasn't what he had believed the day to be about when he had woken up that morning. He had imagined talking about his quitting would be straining enough and still, he had been able to make it even worse. He couldn't even really blame someone apart from himself. He had collected enough experience with interviewers and presenters over the last few years … he should have known better than to let his exasperation overcome him. Those people were trained to know how to push buttons and he practically jumped into their trap.

“Nothing to do about it, now, I guess,“ he sighed in response, after a while, and stuffed another fork full of spaghetti into his mouth, chewing slowly. There was not much use in mulling it over eternally — he couldn't take his words back either way. At least he wouldn't have to face the press again for a fucking long time, if he so desired, as his contract with Modest should be officially expired by now.

He needed to think positive.

“How do you feel about it all?“ Zayn asked after a while, sprawled out on the bed next to Louis and staring at the still running episode of Two Broke Girls on Louis’ MacBook screen.

“Fucking shitty and fucking stupid,“ Louis huffed. He cleared the last bits of his plate and put it on the side table, turning onto his side, his eyes fixed on Zayn. “A little numb, really. I just — whenever I thought of coming out, I — I imagined Harry would be right there, right beside me, taking my hand and never again let go of it. I always thought we would take this step together, get through this together, but. Well.“ He sighed. “There’s no need to think about what could have been, is there?“

Zayn said nothing to that, only nodded his head thoughtfully. Then he started to lowly chuckle.

Louis stared at him incredulously.

“I’m sorry, but — only you, Lou. Only you would lose your patience like that and manage to out yourself in an interview you hadn't wanted to give in the first place. It’s so classic.“

And although it really wasn't funny at all, Louis gave a laugh of his own, pressing his face into his pillow and smothering the sounds. There wasn't anything else he could do now, anyway, except trying to cope with the situation as best as possible. He could do this. And without Harry as well.

“What did Harry say to you, anyway?“ Zayn implored later on, when they already had watched another two episodes full of Max’s and Caroline’s struggle in the New York Cupcake Business World.

“He wanted to talk to me, like, he was really adamant about it. He asked me out for breakfast and — well, I was messed up enough as it was so I just told him yes to get him out of my hair,“ Louis said, fiddling with the blanket he lay upon. “That didn't happen, of course, since I decided to throw up all over the place, but — I don't know. Is it wrong that I want to know what he has to say? Like, I — I don't plan on just continuing where we left off or anything, but just. The idea of finally getting an explanation for his fucked up behaviour — I think it would help me to move on.“

“Or it would help you to find a reason to forgive him.“ Zayn replied simply.

“Would that be so terrible?“ Louis asked, doubt clouding his mind. Zayn wasn't wrong with his statement. If Harry’s explanation was satisfying in any way, Louis probably would think about giving the boy another chance. After all, Harry still was the love of his life and — he just wanted a happy ending for himself, too. That wasn't something to be judged for.

“I don't know, Lou,“ Zayn mumbled back, scrunching up his nose. “Just — don't act foolishly. Even if you want to give it another shot after all — which I’m not sure about, but that isn't my decision to make — just, don’t rush into it all. Give it time. Give yourself time. And think about the baby.“

“I will.“ Louis mumbled. “I always think about it, nowadays.“

“Yeah?“ 

“Yes. I’m kind of — I’m really excited.“ Louis whispered, as if it was some secret that wasn't allowed out in the open. His hands drew patterns on the skin of his stomach lazily, something he couldn't get enough of lately. He touched it so often now, he barely was able to stop when he was in the company of others.

“I’m so happy, Lou. Can’t wait to meet Little You.“

“Honestly, I think it will be more of a Little Harry,“ Louis said and couldn't help the small smirk capturing his lips.

“How so?“ Zayn asked, curious, his eyes hefted onto Louis tummy.

“Don’t know. Just intuition, I guess. And I always crave some weird shit food I normally wouldn't even consider touching but that I know Harry would be totally keen on.“

Zayn laughed quietly at that. 

Darkness had long since fallen over the room and everything felt calm and relaxed, so neither of them wanted to disturb the tranquility with loud noises.

“I think I’ll write him a message. Ask him to come here for lunch tomorrow, if that’s all right with you,“ Louis said after another lull in the conversation.

“It’s fine by me, Lou. Do what you have to. Just know I’ll punch him in the face if he agitates you in any way, and I absolutely mean that.“ There was seriousness in Zayn’s voice that emphasised his statement.

Louis had to bite his lip to refrain from smiling to brightly. “I know. Thanks, Zayn. Love you lots.“

“Love you, too, boo.“

\- - - 

_come over to zayns for lunch tomorrow if you still want to talk._

\- - - 

Zayn took Louis phone from him as soon as he managed to open his bleary eyes. The other boy had apparently been awake for a while. It seemed to be late into the morning and sunshine was streaming unfiltered into the room. 

“It’s for your own emotional health,“ Zayn simply said, pocketing the device. He rolled out of Louis’ bed, where he had apparently crashed, and strolled out of the room seconds later. 

Louis didn't care much; he didn't necessarily need his phone for anything today. He spent the time he needed to wake up properly staring at the white ceiling while stroking his belly wistfully. Somehow he couldn't wait for it to grow already. He wanted real, visible proof that there was a child growing inside him. He wanted to feel it move around and kick. He wanted a sign that all of this was really happening, not just some weirdly twisted dream. Then again, knowing that Harry would more than likely come over for lunch later on, he really was glad today wasn't the day he suddenly grew a bump. 

Since Zayn had his phone, he couldn't check if Harry had affirmed to meeting him here, but Louis couldn't imagine him not showing up. Harry damn well knew that he wouldn't get many more chances; neither for a talk nor anything else. At least, he should know that!

What if Harry had changed his mind again, though? What if he didn't think all this trouble was worth it in the end? What if he didn't care enough after all?

Louis sighed, rubbing his chilly hands over his face. If that were the case, he would at least knew one thing: he was fucking done with Harry Styles, for once and all.

Not particularly fond of thinking of the what if’s and what could be’s, Louis got out of bed and stumbled into the shower, washing his hair and scrubbing his body clean, wanting to feel as human as possible. He brushed his teeth with his attention focused on his reflection. 

There were shadows under his eyes and he looked overly exhausted — even if that wasn't what he felt like this morning. His lips were chapped and his skin looked to dry. His hair was still too long to look good or well managed. There wasn't anything of this rumoured pregnancy glow visible in his appearance yet. 

He decided on a simple outfit when he re-entered the bedroom, not wanting to look his worst for the maybe-lunch with Harry but also not feeling like giving it his best either. He wore comfortable jeans, nothing overly skinny, and a light grey, thin jumper. With a headband he found in one of Zayn’s bathroom drawers he pushed his long fringe back. 

Zayn wasn’t in the kitchen when Louis walked in, so he took it upon himself to pour some cereal into a bowl and boil water for his herbal tea mix. A glance to the watch above the kitchen door told him that it was a quarter before twelve, so Harry should show up in the next hour or so, if he so desired.

Louis didn't further think about it as he spooned almost three bowls of cereal in his mouth — baby sure was hungry — while skimming through a book of Zayn’s that had been left laying on the kitchen counter. It wasn't all that captivating and too philosophical for Louis’ liking.

He took his tea into the living room, then, searching for Zayn so the boy could entertain him for the time being. Since he felt too on edge after all, plagued with the thinking about if Harry would come or not, he needed all the distraction he could get.

As he placed his mug on the coffee table, ready to just turn on the TV, he found Zayn’s MacBook on the sofa cushions and an idea came to him. He opened up the lid, accessed Zayn’s account easily enough and clicked on the Safari button. He refrained from typing his name into the search bar, sure there would be thousands of new entries discussing his leaving, his sexuality, his entire life, really. Now that he absolutely wanted to be out of the spotlight, attention just seemed to stick itself to him. How ironic! 

Shaking his head, he instead went to the Amazon page. He was proving remarkable self-control this morning, he had to say.

Chewing on his bottom lip, he ponders over what exactly to type to get the search results he was looking for.

He went with a simple ‘male pregnancy advise book’ and then, predictably, spent the next ten minutes scrolling through the thousands of matches. He filtered his results again, and clicked on the top three books, which all had at least four and a half stars awarded to them. He put them in his shopping cart without losing much thought over it. They all seemed to give a pretty good overview over male pregnancy, would teach him about the Dos and Don’ts and what he should expect with every new week and that was what he needed the most right now.

He then scanned over the suggested products that came up further down the page — things other pregnant males had apparently bought after purchasing the books he just put in his cart. There were tons of cookbooks, but if Louis was honest with himself, he wouldn't ever look into these, so there was no need to order them. He also skipped over all the ‘Baby Checklists’, not seeing a need for them now or ever, and he didn't much care for any pregnancy planners and diaries, either, already knowing he would be too lazy to keep up with them for more than two weeks. 

However, he spent much more time than he would care to admit scrolling through the ‘Pregnancy Yoga Books’, which seemed to be in high demand among women as well as men expecting babies. It would be exactly the kind of thing Harry would go for and the thought made Louis chuckle, then cringe.

“Hope you're not checking out any articles on your unexpected coming out.“ Zayn’s voice made him wince and he turned his head so fast he thought he would give himself whiplash. 

“As a matter of fact, I’m shopping books,“ Louis responded as he eyed Zayn, who was leaning against the doorframe in nothing but his underwear, a bottle of water in his hands.

“What kind of books? Do you even read?“ Zayn smirked at him.

“Funny, Zayn, truly. Anyway, they're baby books — like, pregnancy guides and stuff,“ Louis said, then hummed. “Do you think I should do some kind of yoga? It’s apparently really popular with pregnant people.“

“Well, it would be something Harry would want you to do, for sure,“ Zayn said while walking over to Louis. He glanced at the laptop screen with a contemplative look.

“That’s what I thought,“ Louis nodded. “It’s just, you know, it’s his kid, too. I guess it would appreciate if I keep in shape and all, get a little exercise every now and then.“

Zayn shrugged. “It wouldn't be the worst thing to do. Like, you’ll need all those breathing techniques anyway, don't you, for the birth and stuff? Maybe doing some yoga beforehand would make that easier.“

Louis nodded and pressed the button to put the yoga book he was looking at into his shopping cart, when the door bell rang. Suddenly, his heart was beating in his throat and he pushed the MacBook closed with a wide eyed stare at Zayn.

“So, that’s my signal to make myself scarce.“ Zayn said, clacking his tongue. “If you need anything, shout for me. I’m right here. Just be strong, Lou.“ He kissed Louis’ forehead before walking out of the room, probably towards his room.

Louis slowly got up to open the door.

\- - - 

Harry had his curls tied up in a man bun. He wasn't wearing a jacket, just a nearly see-through shirt with a floral pattern and his usual skinnier than skinny jeans. His smile was almost shy when Louis opened the door.

“Hey!“ Harry rumbled.

“Hi! Come on in,“ Louis said, voice weirdly squeaky, and stepped aside to make room for Harry to move past him.

It was only then that Louis realised Harry was carrying a paper bag full of what seemed to be take-away and suddenly it came to his mind that he hadn't even considered to prepare anything for a meal. After all, this was supposed to be a lunch meeting. 

Louis sometimes couldn't believe himself.

Harry, who noticed Louis staring at his baggage, just shrugged his shoulders. “You didn't answer any of my texts on whether I should bring something to eat and, well, I rather wanted to be save than sorry.“

Louis bit his bottom lip for a second, before leading Harry into Zayn’s kitchen. “Yeah, sorry about that. Zayn took my phone so I wouldn’t trouble myself with all the notifications, calls and messages. Didn't even think about food, honestly.“

Harry’s eyes twinkled and Louis couldn't remember when he last saw him like that. So relaxed and happy, unconcerned, in tune with the world. It was so disconcerting nowadays. This was old-Harry, but he was so strange to Louis and it broke his heart.

“Well, we won’t have to starve, so don't worry,“ Harry said and placed the bag on the counter. He picked out different packages. “I went with Chinese, I hope that’s okay with you.“

Louis nodded. He didn't much care. “So, let’s just each pick out something and go to the living room. We can eat and — talk there. Do you want something to drink?“

It took them a short while to figure everything out, but when they finally took a seat on the sofa Louis had only gotten up off ten minutes ago, each with a large glass of water and a serving of Chinese food, quiet settled over them. And it wasn't a comfortable one.

It was Harry who spoke up first. “Never thought I’d be in this situation with you, really.“

Instead of answering, Louis pushed a large forkful of noodles into his mouth. Everything about this moment was terrible. And the smell of the food, although it was delicious, made him nauseous. 

“I guess — I guess I’ve a lot to explain to you,“ Harry continued when he realised Louis wasn't going to respond. He placed his untouched food on the table and clasped his hands. “But can we first — just tell me, how are you doing? Like, yesterday with the interview, I’m just so sorry that everything turned out like this. And to see you so devastated backstage, I just want to know how you’re doing.“ There was pleading lilt to Harry’s voice that made Louis look up at him.

He swallowed. “I’m okay, I guess. None of this was planned, obviously, but since I haven’t read any of the articles or fans reactions yet I’m still good. Just pretending it didn't happen, actually. I’m glad I won’t have to face the public for a while now.“

Harry nodded. “Well, I’m so relieved you're doing good so far. I know we don't really talk or — do anything, really, and I’m not sure how you will feel about everything after this conversation and all, but — I’m still here for you and I want you to know that. I’m still your friend, first and foremost. You are still so important to me and if you need me in any way or form, I will be there.“ There was a sincerity in Harry’s voice that left Louis speechless. But then there also was the way he phrased his words and it made him loose a bit of hope. 

Whatever Harry had to tell him, it couldn't be something Louis would easily overcome, it seems like.

“I want to — I want to start off with another apology, Lou. I know that isn't enough by far, but I really — I’m so sorry for everything that went wrong those last few months. There is really no denying that it was my fault entirely and —“ Harry interrupted himself, staring towards the ceiling with a shattered expression on his face. “I think that what — what I’m going tell you now — I don't know how you’ll feel about me after. Because I’ve been such an asshole for such an insignificant, ridiculous reason. And I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I shouldn't have let it get this far. I never wanted us to end up like this. I just lost control over myself, I think. I don't even know. But before — before I begin, I just want to tell you — what I wrote in that message, I meant it.“

Louis felt like chocking. He wasn't ready for this, but he couldn't help the way his eyes were fixed intently on Harry, the way his heart and soul longed for everything the other boy had to give him. He was such a fool, knowing now that he would end up hurting even more after this conversation; that this simply couldn't turn out good for him; but still sitting there and taking it.

“I love you, I truly do. You are — you are just it, Louis. You are the one I want to be with. I want to spend my life with you, I want just — just everything in the world with you. I love you so fucking much that I think at one point I just didn't know how to cope anymore and decided to turn everything we had to shit and I will never forgive myself for that. But — please know, I do love you and have all along.“

There were tears in Louis eyes, burning, and no air in his lungs. Harry was looking at him with so much adoration and regret in his eyes and Louis wanted to … he wanted to slide closer to Harry and just hold him, return the ‘I love yous’, whisper them to Harry until the day he died because he knew that for just as long they would remain true. Those words, they meant so much and so little in this moment and everything just ached. He wanted to open his mouth and tell Harry to just not say anything else. He didn't want to know whatever it was Harry had done in those last few months, just wanted to remain in the dark and ignore it all and start over. Just begin again.

But he couldn’t. Because he wouldn't be able to live with this uncertainty. He would forever wonder what had happened and why. It wouldn't be fair to him and less so to his baby. For god’s sake, he had to think about his baby as his number one priority now! 

“Harry, please just — just tell me,“ was what he said, then, his voice trembling. He placed his lunch aside as well, feeling to shaken to eat, instead snaking his arms around his body in hopes of keeping himself upright for whatever would come his way next.

Harry simply nodded, cleared his throat and began speaking. “Okay. I’m going to tell you everything and — I’m not claiming it makes any sense, because when I look back now I can’t even — I don't know what I was thinking, but—“ He paused to rub over his eyes furiously. “Anyway, months ago, like, I guess in early January, I found those — those pills in your bag and that somehow started it all. I was looking for some Advil, I think, and I just stumbled across them. It wasn't intentional, I swear to God, but there I had them, in my hands, and obviously I skimmed the label because why wouldn't I. I didn't think you were keeping any secrets from be, but—“

Louis’ stomach convulsed. He had a horrible suspicion where this was going. 

“Those were birth control pills. Like, I mean, I was so stunned. I thought I had to be mistaken, that they were something else, but I — I googled the name and. Well, I don't need to tell you what I found out. That they were in fact contraception pills — for men. I wondered, of course, why you would have them, why you would need them, and maybe I was just intentionally slow that day, because the answer to my question was pretty clear, wasn't it?“ Harry shook his head here, and for the first time that day he didn't look calm, didn't look like the old-Harry. He looked peeved, like thinking back to this incident annoyed him still. There were traces of new-Harry in his eyes and Louis couldn't take it.

He buried his head in his hands, ashamed and close to tears, knowing that Harry had every fucking right to be mad at him for keeping his condition a secret. Deep down he always knew that it would lead to trouble, one way or another. It was just so — so bloody hilarious, really, that Harry was talking about it now, so damn oblivious that Louis was sitting right there carrying his baby, (and not telling him about that either).

“At first, realising that you could get pregnant made me so — so unbelievable happy. Because I had always dreamed of us having a family of our own, with a dozen of cute little babies, and — the thought that you’d be able to carry them, that they’d actually be our babies, that they’d share both of our DNA. It was a dream come true, really. But as I was sitting there, in our hotel room somewhere in Australia, waiting for you to return from wherever you have been with Zayn, it suddenly dawned on me how you had to have known about your condition for forever. Like, most boys get tested for the gene during puberty, as a simple precaution. I got tested negative when I was 14, I still remember. But you, well, you possess this gene and I — I began to question myself on why you never told me. Like, we’d been together then for so long, we talked — we talked about marriage and children all the bloody time, but you never once mentioned that you were actually able to become pregnant. You were just — like, silently taking those stupid pills and never said a word about it to me. I felt so betrayed, sitting on this bloody hotel bed and staring at the ceiling and—“

Harry paused, then, grabbing his glass of water and taking large gulps. 

Louis felt faint, sweaty, distraught. He never once imagined Harry could have found out about the gene or the pills. But, it didn't make sense yet.

“Obviously, I wondered why you wouldn't tell me, and there weren’t so many different possible answers.“ Harry continued, not even glancing at Louis. He still held the glass tightly in his hands, his knuckles white from the pressure. “Either you didn't trust me with the information or you didn't want me to know, and both options fucking hurt. And I began to think, like, what if he doesn't want a future with me? What if all that talk about — about having a family was just that, just talk. What if he never really planned the kind of forever with me that I planned with him? What if, what if. It sickened me. I wanted to talk to you about it, confront you, but then you came back to the room, smiling and babbling non-stop, and I couldn't do it, so I — I let it go. But, honestly, it never left my mind. It tortured me for days, all those questions. Doesn't he want a future with me? That was permanently going through my mind. Until —“ Another pause. The silence was stretching over the room.

Louis was breathing shallowly, his mind a mess. 

“Until I began to question myself. Could I imagine a future with you? Like, was that really what I wished for myself? To spend the rest of my life with you and only you? Were we really made for each other or were we just — were we just stupid boys, a little lost in the wide world, with no real home other than each other, never able to be ourselves, never able to even try something else, just desperately clinging to this idea of love because we never had a chance to find it elsewhere? I began to doubt — just, everything, really. Everything we had, everything we were, everything we supposedly wanted to be. And I wasn't sure of anything anymore. And this is where it began to get really fucked up.“

Tears were streaming freely over Louis face by now, his heart felt splintered in his chest. So it had been his fault after all? If not for those stupid pills, Harry wouldn't have done whatever he was about to tell him he had done? If Louis had just been courageous from the start, had just lived with the fact that he was able to have babies, then everything wouldn't have escalated like this?

“Do you want me to go on?“ Harry inquired, voice softer than before, less annoyed as he seemingly let go of the past, of his anger for the moment.

Louis just nodded, feeling crushed as it was. He didn't want to delay this conversation any more, just wanted to get it over with. He could spend the rest of eternity crying his eyes out and regretting all the miserable choices he ever made.

“I’m not proud of how I acted then. I really was such an asshole to you and, I’m not going to lie, it felt good somehow, because I was so hurt and I — I wanted to hurt you, too. I’m so sorry for that, I mean it. It was so awful of me. Childish, too. I should’ve just talked to you. But, as time went on, I just felt more and more distanced from you. Sure, my behaviour was the reason, I know that now, but back then it just felt like all my doubts were becoming reality. We just grew apart in a matter of weeks and — I felt validated. We weren't a forever kind of thing. We just weren’t.“

Harry swallowed visibly, and Louis began to gnaw at his fingernails. His heart was racing.

“And so I went out and — I was angry and sad and an utter mess and I kissed a boy in Johannesburg and later on, another one in Dubai.“ 

Louis felt how the air in his lungs left his body in one shaky exhale. He was losing the ground he was standing on, his hands grasping his hair desperately as he started to quietly sob into the back of the sofa. Of all the things. Of all the things Harry could have done. It was so hard to imagine, but still so dreadfully fitting.

Harry vehemently stared in the other direction while he continued on. 

“The moment I did it, it felt fucking great, you know? I was so carefree and happy, just going for it. But then those boys would ask me to come back to their flats or whatever, and everything in me just screamed at me to turn around and run and I did. I never kissed another boy after the one in Dubai, and never did anything further than making out with the two of them I did kiss. That’s not — that doesn't make it better, I know that. But I want you to know. I can’t believe I did that at all, I swear to God.“

Harry was silent for a bit, then, just sipping his water. His eyes were red and puffy when he finally turned to look at Louis again, snot dripping down his face. Louis couldn't stand to meet his eyes, his own breathe leaving him in hiccuping gasps.

“I just thought I needed it, the thrill of kissing a boy in public, of trying something new. I was so convinced that you and I weren't meant to be that I flipped and — kind of just went and searched for someone else, someone new, someone better. Someone who would want a family with me. But then I realised how fucking stupid I had been, how unfair and mean and — I never even wanted anyone else, because you were on my mind wherever I went, whatever I did. It’s always been just you. And you were back at every hotel, waiting for me with hopeful eyes, waiting for me to come back to you day for day and night for night, and I was — I was so sorry all the time, but I also was a fucking cheating bastard and I felt so horrified by myself and my actions, I couldn't even be in the same room with you anymore. And I guess that resulted in me being even more distant and absent around you. It all just went so wrong, but I didn't know what to do, how to turn back time, how to make amends. So — everything just remained as broken as it was and I learned to ignore it like I learned to ignore you and — and that’s the whole story.“ Fittingly, Harry’s voice broke on his last words and he remained where he was, sitting and staring at Louis with eyes full of guilt and shame and regret.

Louis was whimpering, feeling so severely hurt he wanted everything to end. Mainly, this pain. It was too much to take, too much to cope with. Harry had kissed other boys because he couldn't imagine a future with Louis and —

Here Louis was. Pregnant with Harry’s child.

Because, whilst Harry was out and about, apparently trying to find the new love of his life, he still had the time to fuck Louis’ on a regular basis, just because he could. Just because Louis was stupid and in love and there. Surprisingly, it was this that hurt him the most.

How was that okay? How could Harry do that to him?

His head began to hurt from all the crying and he knew he should drink more water, eat something. He really shouldn't risk another syncope so negligently, but as he sat there, slumped into the couch, crumpled and sobbing, his hands pressed to his face so Harry wouldn't see his tears, he couldn't find it in himself to do anything but exist. 

“You need to leave.“ The words were nearly inaudible due to Louis’ voice, chocked by tears and so incredibly weak. “Please, leave now.“

“Lou, I’m just — I am so terribly sorry. For everything. I am.“

Louis shook his head feebly, only resulting in his head feeling even heavier. 

He couldn't do this now. He maybe couldn't do this ever.

It took a while for Harry’s presence to vanish. Louis listened to his footsteps, to the door falling shut.

And then he cried until the world grew black around him.

\- - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the warning: This chapter deals with cheating!


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh guys!
> 
> Let me tell you: this chapter was such a stupid stupid stupid thing to write down, I still don't know how I managed it. I really dislike most of it as well, but I've rewritten it about three times and I can't anymore, or I'll drive myself insane, I swear to god! I'm sorry if it sucks, I really tried my best, but I'm exhausted with it! 
> 
> I'm sorry for everyone who didn't like the last chapter because of what Harry has done, but I really hope some of you are left and will continue reading. Everything will get better from here on out, I promise you this!
> 
> So, have fun with this!   
> Julia x

So.

Avoidance was Louis’ new thing now, apparently. 

Since he woke up the evening of his talk with Harry, feeling nauseous and shaky, and nearly puking at the sight and smell of the Chinese food still sitting on the coffee table, he had done nothing but avoid everyone and everything. Instead, he spent heaps of time in Zayn’s guest room, listening to all kinds of music, be it sad or angry, just because it helped him to figure out what exactly he was feeling anyway.

He knew Zayn was beginning to get really annoyed with him, his inquisitive looks growing fiercer and fiercer, but Louis just couldn't bring himself to say anything upon the topic of Harry Styles. 

Because Harry had fucking told him that he had kissed other boys; kissed other boys because he hadn't been convinced any more that he and Louis were meant to be. Hadn't been trusting in their love anymore. And Louis had been naive enough to think his heart couldn't actually break any further. How funny was that?

And even though Louis felt surprisingly calm about the fact that Harry basically cheated on him, he couldn't bring himself to mention it to Zayn. Saying it out loud, admitting it to Zayn — all of that would make it real. Or, more real. Because Harry said those words, first and foremost, and now there was no going back, there was not forgetting or ignoring them. 

(He hadn’t called Harry, and Harry hadn’t made any effort to contact Louis. He was unexpectedly grateful for that. He couldn't talk to Harry, or see him, not yet anyway.)

It was late Sunday afternoon, now, and Louis had Adele’s second album on repeat as he filled his duffle bag with all the clothes and essentials that were scattered about Zayn’s guest room. It was no easy task, as in the two weeks Louis had stayed there he hadn’t exactly been orderly with his stuff. 

One Direction would leave for their last leg of tour the next morning, which meant playing the last concerts all over Great Britain. Since Louis was obviously not joining them, he would leave for Doncaster in about two hours. Zayn had asked him to stay here, offered him the house and all, but Louis really didn't want to remain in London any longer and especially not alone. He would return to his mums house instead and spend the next days visiting small houses that were for sale in the area. He had already arranged some meetings with different estate agents and he was really keen on finding something soon. 

He had a so many ideas and plans. He wanted a cosy house, not too big, just a few rooms and a relatively big garden. Of course, it should be a little out of the way, not smack in the middle of town, as he wanted his peace and quiet and most of all no media attention. He just wanted a nice and safe place for himself and his baby, something to call home, something where he would also actually feel like home. A place his baby would think back to, in 30 or 40 years, and remember a wonderful childhood and a father that loved and cared very much. 

He really hoped one of the houses he was going to visit would meet his expectations. 

“Lou?“ Zayn’s voice shook him from his thoughts and he turned around to see the other boy leaning against the room door. “Are you okay?“

“Yes, of course. Why do you ask?“ Louis responded, a frown crinkling his face.

“It’s just — you didn't talk to me, that day, you know. You didn't tell me what Harry said or did, but I know he must have — damn, I mean, he must have really fucking hurt you, Lou. Otherwise, you wouldn't avoid talking about it like you do. And I just — I want you to begin to feel good again. I want you to be happy and excited for your baby. I want you to be confident and sure of yourself. I want you to find love, but — I think that even now, even after whatever Harry did, you still consider him as the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. And that is okay, you know,“ Zayn sighed, his expression doubtful. “Just don't — don't waste your life and your heart and soul waiting for that boy to become who he once was.“

Louis swallowed with difficulties, his eyes lowered to the ground as his hands cramped around the jumper he was holding in his hands. “I know he won’t come back, Zayn, not like that. I know he will never be the same, not after — not after what he did. I’m just not ready to admit to it. I’m not ready, just not ready. I mean,“ he laughs, helplessly, as he puts the jumper in his bag. “It’s Harry, you know. He could probably kill a man right before my eyes and I would still let him kiss me after. It’s Harry and he’s always been it for me, Zayn. And yes, he broke my heart a thousand times over, but that doesn't change anything … not really. As sad and pitiful that might be.“

Zayn nodded, his lips pressed together tightly, before he spoke up again. “He looked so bad at rehearsals the last few days. I shouldn’t feel bad for him, really, since this whole mess is his fault in the first place, but — he looks so terrible, honestly. It’s just sad to watch.“ 

Louis grimaced. “If that was supposed to make me feel better, it really didn’t, Zayn,“ he said tiredly.

“It wasn’t, sorry, no — I don't even know why I said that. Just forget it. Anyway,“ Zayn straightened his posture and walked into the room, up towards Louis to lay an arm around his shoulders. “Don’t forget about us when you plan your new life out in Donny, all right? I’ll make sure to visit you when we play in Manchester or Sheffield, you know, somewhere close by. I’ll bring the boys.“ Louis knew he didn't have to mention that Harry wasn't welcome, not in his new life, not now and maybe not ever.

“I’ll look forward to it, Zee. I’m going to miss you,“ Louis said, with a small smile gracing his lips. He pulled the zipper on his duffle bag closed and turned to throw his arms around the other boy, hugging him for dear life.

“Love you, Lou. I’m so excited — next time I’ll see you the Little One will be so much bigger already. I can’t wait for your bump to finally become visible, knowing that the baby is growing up strong and healthy in there for real, getting ready to meet us.“ 

Louis let his eyes fall onto his stomach, feeling warm and happy listening to Zayn’s loving words. “I can’t wait, either,“ he admitted, with quiet emphasis. 

\- - - 

Louis was cuddled up on his mum’s living room couch only one evening later, a large mug of herbal tea on the table before him and his MacBook opened up to Twitter. Maybe it was weird that he was sitting there and creeping around, watching fan videos, reading comments and searching for pictures; just everything and all about the boys’ first concert without him which was happening right now in London.

It was just — it honestly felt strange, sitting here instead of standing up on that stage, belting out the lyrics he had put his heart into while writing, interacting with the fans, just having fun. He missed it already. 

“But I don't mind,“ he whispered, his hands folded across his stomach, gently feeling along the slightly bloated skin under his soft jumper. “I would do it all over again for you, sweetie.“ 

Of course, it was in that moment that his oldest sisters chose to walk into the room, Lottie occupied with her mobile phone but Fizzy’s eyes confused as she asked: “Who the hell are you talking to?“ She looked around the room as if she was expecting to find another person in there.

Louis realised he really shouldn't wait any longer to confide to his sisters. It wasn't fair. They were old enough, responsible and fiercely loyal. They wouldn't talk to anyone about his pregnancy, not even to their bestest friends, not even by accident. They deserved to know the truth and it would be nice to have two more people to talk to and rely on, should he need it.

Still, all he managed to get out was an unsure “Um.“ 

“Lou? Is everything okay? With you, I mean?“ It was Lottie who asked this time, the hand with her phone lowered. Her pink-coloured lips were pursed, as if she knew he kept a secret from them. It was only natural that they were suspicious, though. Both Lottie and Fizzy knew that he wouldn't leave One Direction for a stupid reason or out of a whim. They had to know that something more had to be going on.

“I think maybe we should talk,“ Louis said eventually, patting the free spot on the couch next to him. He put his mobile aside, not in the mood to see the other boys perform without him any longer anyway. His sisters squashed in next to him, one to his right and one to his left. “Well,“ Louis began then, hesitantly. “I don't have to tell you, obviously, that you can’t talk to this about anyone. I really, really want it to stay a secret, so, apart from mum and Dan and Zayn, Liam and Niall — oh, and my doctor of course, you will be the only ones to know.“

 

“Your doctor? What the heck, Louis? Are you sick? What is going on?“ There was a sudden panic ignited in Fizzy’s eyes as Louis turned to look at her and he quickly grabbed for her tiny hands. 

“I’m totally fine, Fiz, I promise. Healthy as ever, in fact. The doctor isn't exactly for me anyway. He is —well, Dr. Morgan is an OB/GYN and I’m his patient because I’m — pregnant.“ 

There was a short silence, which was to be expected, but then Lottie burst out into unexpected chuckles, pressing a hand in front of her mouth as she gasped out: “Oh my god, Lou!“

Louis’ looked at her with furrowed brows and a rapidly beating heart, not sure how to interpret her amusement, if he should take it as a positive sign. Before he could ask, though, he had Fizzy pressed into his chest, her arms thrown around his upper body. “I’m going to be an aunt, fucking yes“ she exclaimed, happiness oozing from her voice, and Louis smiled brilliantly down at her dark hair, which was all he could see of her from this angle. That was bay far the most cheerful reaction he had gotten so far from people he told about his pregnancy and it surely warmed his heart.

Lottie, now over her bout of laughter, kissed his cheeks in congratulations, then, surely leaving pink stains there. Her blue eyes twinkled as she snuggled up closer to him. “I can’t believe this. How far along are you?“ 

“Nearly 15 weeks, now. I have another scan next week and I guess I’ll get some more information then.“ 

“Oh, can I come along, please?“ Fizzy asked instantly, finally raising her head from where it had been buried against his shoulder. 

Louis was about to tell her yes, since now that he was so sure about everything concerning the baby he wouldn't mind having someone there to share his joy and anticipation with, but then he remembered that Dr. Morgan had been insistent on doing the internal exam at his next visit and he really rather Fizzy wouldn't be anywhere near him for that. It would be embarrassing and uncomfortable enough already, even without knowing his younger sister was sitting right outside in a waiting room. 

“Not to this appointment, Fiz, but next time for sure. I promise,“ he therefore responded and was glad when she didn't question his request. 

“So, I assume Harry is the dad?“ Lottie asked after a short pause. Both girls seemed as if they had a lot on their minds and Louis couldn't exactly hold it against them. He certainly would have a million and one questions if either of them would ever come home and tell him they are pregnant.

Louis cleared his throat, but his response still sounded raspier than normal. “Yeah, he is.“

“But he doesn't know.“ Fizzy concluded, voice calm and collected.

“How did you figure?“ Louis asked, surprised even though he really shouldn't be. His sisters knew him well and they also were much cleverer than he liked to give them credit for.

It was Lottie who replied. “Well, you didn't mention him when you were naming all the people who knew about the baby. Which is a bit weird, considering that he is the baby’s other dad.“

“You’re right, yeah,“ Louis said simply, hoping against hope that the girls wouldn't insist on anymore information on the subject. And, to his relieve, they actually didn’t.

“I guess you have your reasons to keep it from him,“ Fizzy began slowly, fiddling with her hands and scrunching up her nose as if she wasn't sure whether to say what she wanted to say. Louis was curious. “But I — well, I think you should remember that Harry has always loved you and probably always will. Like, I don't — I don't know what happened between the two of you and I don't want to, to be honest. Just, I’ve always been sure that you two would end up together, one way or another, against all the odds. You are meant to be, I really believe that. And I think the both of you and this baby, you would make the most amazing family.“

Louis bit his lip as he listened to Fizzy, feeling clueless on how to react to her opinion, just knowing that he had to control himself so his facial expression wouldn't completely derail. Those words, though, they were so honest and pure, coming from her innocent heart that hadn't even experienced real love for itself. He was touched by her sincerity, it made his pulse flutter. He wished with his whole being that she would just be right, that he and Harry really were meant to be. 

But Harry hadn't believed that and now, Louis found it hard, too.

“Anyway,“ Lottie said then, louder than necessary, probably feeling the tension that was building up in Louis’ shoulders. “That’s why you have been talking to yourself, then? You speak to the baby, call it Sweetie?“ She smiled, her wide eyes falling to his tummy.

“Not really, actually. Sweetie was meant as an endearment, it just slipped out. I’m not sure I like it as a nickname for the baby. But obviously I can’t keep calling it baby for the next five months.“ 

“Well, then we have to come up with something else!“ Lottie said enthusiastically, laying her head on Louis shoulder and twisting her face, thinking. Fizzy imitated her sister in an instant, leaning against Louis as well, her forehead creased in deep thought.

Louis only smiled, feeling content.

Of course they didn't come up with a name, but it didn't matter. 

They spent the rest of the pleasant June evening lazing around on the couch, coming up with the most stupid and horrid combinations of baby names and nicknames. They laughed and bickered and Louis felt so happy and at peace that, for the first time in over a week, Harry didn't occupy his mind. Harry and the two boys he kissed, somewhere on the other end of the world, trying so hard to forget all about Louis. No; on this June evening, as he sat wedged between Lottie’s and Fizzy’s warm and solid bodies and drinking his herbal tea, all that was just a distant shadowy issue lurking somewhere in the back of his head.

\- - - 

Time went by slow and fast all the same and it was weird.

Weird, because for the first time in forever, Louis really didn't have any obligations and responsibilities. He didn't need to remember meetings with management and PR, didn't need to work out in the gym to keep in form, didn't need to attend vocal coaching lessons or rehearsals so he could deliver great shows at the concerts. He didn't have any responsibilities, apart from eating healthy and drinking much and ‘listening to his body’ for any signs that his baby wasn't doing well or feeling good.

It was wonderful and boring at the same time. 

So, he was all the more excited when he met up with the different estate agents he had contacted over a week ago. In the course of three days they looked at six different houses and, in the end, it really wasn't hard to decide which one he wanted to buy, which one he could see himself and his baby having a fulfilled life in, which one he would call home. 

Only of the houses had captured his attention from the start to the finish of the tour. It was quaint and charming from the outside, a simple brick building with a dark roof and two storeys. He loved the floor plan which included three bathrooms and four separated bedrooms. Especially perfect to him was, of course, the reasonably sized garden that already included a swimming pool but left enough space so he could kick a football around it. 

The house was located in the outskirts of Doncaster, just like he had wanted for it to be, and also ideally close to his mum’s house; just a walking distance. He liked that it was basically empty of any and all traces of its previous owners. There was nothing much in there apart from the bathroom appliances and amenities. It was a blank canvas and Louis was actually really excited to get creative in there, to plan and arrange everything just as he wanted to have it. He could decide the colour schemes and the wood for the furniture in the bedrooms. He could equip every room with a TV if he so desired. He could have cosy carpet covering the whole ground. 

The possibilities were endless, he really could do anything and knowing that made him want to get going right away.

Because he was keen on another opinion before signing the purchase contract, he invited his whole family over as soon as possible. They took their time inspecting every nook and cranny of the brick building, knocking on all the walls and testing out all the doors, as if they had any idea of what they were doing. But then, as he watched his mum’s eyes warm up, as he could hear Daisy and Phoebe beginning to run around the bright and sunlit upstairs floor, as he saw Lottie dipping her feet into the pool and Dan leaning against the kitchen door frame with a content expression on his face he just knew they felt exactly how he did. 

This is it, then, was what he thought as he cuddled little Doris closer to his chest and stepped through the opened glass doors from the living room onto the patio that led to the backyard. This is it.

\- - - 

Even the excitement about his new house, soon to be home, couldn't make his next appointment with Dr. Morgan any more comfortable or relaxing, though.

He pushed the internal scan as far back as he possibly could, but after the nurse had measured his blood pressure and glucose level, took his weight and stomach circumference and Dr. Morgan had done the ‘normal’ ultrasound scan on his belly and they listened to the heartbeat of the baby again he knew there wasn't anything else that could draw the feared examination out any longer.

Dr. Morgan, at least, seemed to feel some kind of pity for him. “It’s only strange the first time round, I promise. I’ll be as quick as possible and you don’t have to worry about anything hurting you or the baby, okay?“ 

Louis couldn't do much but nod as he disappeared behind a screen to change out of his clothes and into a fluttering hospital gown. Then, with shaky legs, he walked towards Dr. Morgan and his weird and intimidating chair. 

Taking a deep breath, he told himself to just go through with this. He was doing this for his baby, after all. There was nothing more important than the little thing inside him, and he would suffer through this damn internal scan or whatever if it meant he could assure the baby was growing up healthily and well. 

He pressed his eyes shut tightly as Dr. Morgan stripped on a fresh pair of gloves and lubed up his fingers. It felt like hours that he had to endure lying so open and exposed in front of a nearly entirely strange man, who used not only his fingers but all kinds of equipment to feel and search and probe around places no one but Harry had ever touched before. 

God, he wished Harry would be beside him, holding his hand and murmuring nice, sweet nothings into his ear to calm him down. He just wanted Harry, but right now the boy was further from him than he had ever been before and Louis had no idea how anything was ever supposed to go back to the way it had been before. 

Finally, finally Dr. Morgan looked up from between Louis’ legs and removed his fingers from him. “Everything looks fantastic, Louis,“ the man said as he was standing up from his stool and went to throw the used gloves into the trash. Louis hastily got off the examination chair, feeling slightly sore in his behind, but waddling with large steps nonetheless back behind the screen to change.

When he was done, Dr. Morgan handed him a new set of scan pictures. “Looks on this one like your baby has dimples,“ he commented with a light chuckle and pointed to the head of the baby. Louis’ eyes nearly bulged as he saw the little indents. “Of course it’s just a trick of light and angle in this case, since we won’t be able to identify any certain features of the baby’s face until the end of the pregnancy, if at all. But it looks rather cute, don't you think?“

Louis was to chocked up to bring out a word, so he just nodded and forced a smile, before nearly bolting from the room. He feared that this was becoming a habit; him always fleeing from Dr. Morgan. 

But.

Dimples. Fucking dimples.

\- - -

“I think I found a nickname for the baby,“ he told his mother quietly that evening as they were, once again, washing up the dishes from dinner. The radio was playing softly in the background and Louis was trying hard to ignore the fact that, right now, he was supposed to stay on a stage in Manchester, singing his heart out. He really missed performing. He missed the fans. He missed his boys. And for whatever god damn reason he really missed Harry’s stupid face and his fucking cheating ass. 

Something was seriously wrong with him, when once again the one question that hadn't let him rest for days on end popped into his mind. 

Can you honestly forgive someone who cheated on you? Was he really considering this?

He was going to drive himself insane, had thought about an answer a thousand times over, but hadn't come to a conclusion as of yet.

“Well, out with it,“ his mum urged him, her hands diligently scrubbing a set of forks clean. Louis blinked as he focused back on the task before him. He picked up another glass to dry off.

“You know, like, how on today’s scan it looked like the baby had dimples?“ His mum nodded. “I was thinking, maybe — I don't know if this is stupid, but I was thinking just, like, Dimples, maybe? It’s short and cute and it fits both genders.“ He shrugged, biting down on his bottom lip. 

The expression on his mother’s face was way to aware. “And you’re sure that’s the only reason you chose this nickname?“

“Maybe not,“ Louis sighed out, his voice weak. What use was there in denying it? Everyone close enough to them knew of Louis’ obsession with Harry’s dimples and about how his eyes would crinkle up happily whenever he had managed to make Harry smile wide and bright enough to make the little indents show.

“I didn't mean that in a bad way, Boo. Dimples is a sweet name, I like it.“

“Okay. Thanks.“ Louis said, but what he really meant was: Dimples is off the table. Suddenly, it didn't feel right anymore and Louis felt like crying.

The topic was dropped after and as Jay started to hum along to the music coming from the radio, Louis took the next plate and dried it with his dishcloth, his mind whirling nonetheless.

\- - -

Zayn came by very late the next evening, when the rest of Louis’ family was already deep asleep. The boys of One Direction had just played their second, last show in Manchester and apparently had two days off before their next gig in Glasgow. Zayn had decided to spent a night and the entire next day with Louis, before joining the other boys who went ahead already to enjoy some relaxed days in Scotland. 

Louis was glad that neither Niall nor Liam had come along with Zayn, because as they were laying in Louis’ small bed together, staring at the ceiling, he couldn't help but finally speak up.

“Do you think you could forgive a person, like, a person you're in a relationship with, a person you love very fucking much, a person you plan to have a future with … do you think you could forgive them for — for cheating on you?“ His voice was throaty and so low that Louis was sure Zayn had to strain to understand him. 

There was a loaded silence, before Zayn nearly hissed into the darkness around them. “Harry fucking cheated on you?“ He sounded disbelieving, and Louis got it only too well. It was just something you wouldn't expect of perfectly wonderful and charming Harry Styles.

“He kissed two boys, one in Johannesburg and one in Dubai, or that’s what he told me at least.“ Louis exhaled heavily. “He promised nothing else ever happened, and I want to — I want to trust him, but how?“

He felt Zayn’s hand searching along the sheets for Louis’ and when he found it, he interlaced them gently. “I’m so sorry, Lou.“

“Well, I’m not. In the end it probably was my fault. If I had only, if I —“ He couldn't finish the sentence, as a dry sob escaped his lips instead. He turned his face into Zayn’s body, all the while fighting tears.

“How would this ever be your fault, Lou? Whatever problems you guys had, in the end it was Harry who went and kissed other people and that’s just — well, it’s fucking despicable of him.“

Louis took some shuddery breaths. “But I think — I think I am guilty, too. It was because of me that our problems started in the first place, I just didn't — I didn't know. He didn't talk to me, he didn't tell me he found out about me being able to get pregnant. He didn't ever mention it … that he felt betrayed and unsure because I never felt the need to be honest about that, but I never — it wasn't ever my intention to hurt him and still I did. He began to doubt our whole relationship, our future, just everything really. And he never told me, never, instead — instead he went out and kissed other boys. Just like that. I don’t — how could he do this to me?“ He was sobbing for real now, leaning against Zayn as he once again felt like he was losing the ground from under his feet. It was just like reliving that fatally afternoon when Harry finally confessed everything. “It just hurts so much. Why does it hurt so much?“

Zayn began to stroke his back and litter his hair with little pecks. There wasn't much he could say, Louis knew that. Zayn couldn't make it stop hurting, even if he may have wanted to. That was something Louis would have to figure out on his own.

“But do you know what hurts even more? The fact that — that Harry came back to the hotel, after, back to me, into my — my fucking bed, and slept with me. Just like that, without a care in the world, as if nothing was wrong. He kissed those random boys in whatever club, but came back to me anyway. He — maybe he knocked me up just — just hours after kissing strange lips. It’s that thought that disgusts me so much, Zee. It makes me feel so used and cheap and queasy. Every time I think about it all I want to throw up. Why couldn't he have just broken up with me? It would have been merciful. Why did he have to do this to me?“ In the end, Louis’ voice gave out and he let it. Sniffling and whimpering he snuggled closer to Zayn, leaving not a hair’s breadth of space between them. Zayn was comfort, Zayn was here.

“I don’t know what to say, Lou, I don't know. I’m so sorry. But, well, concerning your question regarding forgiveness. I think it is — possible, you know. It is. Like, if you realise that the other person regrets it with their whole being, and you have no doubts that their feelings for you are true and honest and sincere. I guess then there is the possibility for a second chance, a new beginning and after — after some time maybe even for forgiveness.“ Zayn hesitated for a moment. “You know how I haven't been on Harry’s side at all during the last few weeks and I won’t change that stand anytime soon, Lou. He had no right to treat you like he did and well, adding the cheating to it all, it really makes him a fucking tosser in my eyes. But I — I know how much you love him, how much you miss him, how much you long for him. I damn well know that —“ At this point Zayn let out a short and humourless laugh, his voice dry. “I know that there will never be another boy like Harry for you. I know you’ll never love anyone the way you love Harry. And as much as it pains me to say this and as much as I’m not sure if I direct you into your fucking demise, I guess that maybe — for the two of you, maybe there is another chance. You know like we said before, that Harry will never be the same boy he was before? Maybe — maybe he doesn't need to be, you know. We all change, we grow up. Just look at you. Maybe this new Harry and the new Louis, with this new baby as well, maybe they have another chance.“ Zayn paused, but Louis knew that the other boy had more to say. “This is all on you, Lou. You decide. But you know what? If you feel like there is absolutely no way for you to ever look into Harry’s again, you can’t force yourself. And you don’t have to. Hell, maybe the both of us, all of us, really, have always been blinded by how perfect you and Harry seemed to fit together. Maybe there is someone out there for you, after all. Maybe you haven't even met the real love of your life yet. I think that is for you to decide. All of us, Lou, we just want you to be happy.“ 

The thing is, Louis thought silently as hot tears made their ways down his cheeks, that not even in a parallel universe he could see himself happy with anyone but Harry by his side.

\- - -

When they got ready for the day the next morning, neither Louis nor Zayn mentioned the nights revelations. It was good this way, Louis decided. He had planned to show Zayn the house, for which he had finally signed the purchase contract two days ago. He wanted to other boy’s opinion, since Louis had always admired Zayn’s artsy streak and knew he could only win if Zayn were to give him some helpful pointers as to how to furnish or paint this or that room. Altogether, he just wanted to spent a nice and relaxed day with Zayn before he was once again leaving for the tour.

Jay had made them a healthy breakfast that was waiting for them in the kitchen downstairs, consisting of cut-up fruits and sugar-free pancakes, that were, to Louis’ utter surprise, actually amazingly good. While he was drinking his tea he could feel Zayn’s gaze on him, but he didn't let on that he was aware of it.

“We should take Doris and Ernie with us,“ Louis mentioned randomly as he slipped into his Vans and searched the dresser in the hallway for a pair of sunglasses, while Zayn was busy sorting out his hair in the mirror next to the front door. “It’s just a short walk to the house and I guess they could use some fresh air.“ Zayn shrugged, but went upstairs to inform Jay of their plans.

Fifteen minutes later, after the little twins had been appropriately dressed and kissed goodbye by Jay, Louis sat his younger siblings into their shared pram and began, with Zayn by his side, the walk down the street. 

That his new house was only a few blocks away from his family’s home was something Louis really loved. He was a family man, there was no denying, and knowing that he wouldn't have to drive for half an hour to reach his mum’s house, but could simply take a walk there, was absolutely perfect. 

“So, how have the concerts been?“ Louis asked after they went in silence for five minutes, each of them engrossed in their own thoughts and absentmindedly talking with the toddlers. 

Zayn threw him a suspicious look. “They were okay, I guess. No major glitches, even though we were struggling a bit with splitting up your solos.“ He sighed. “It’s simply not the same without you, Lou. We miss you, the fans miss you. There is a gap, a hole where you've been. Everything has kinda — changed.“

“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have asked,“ Louis said, feeling miserable as he pushed the pram along. Ernest was pointing into the distance, babbling things Louis couldn't decipher, while Doris laughed along with her twin. 

“No, of course you should. I would be pissed if you wouldn't care anymore, you know. It’s just sad — we’re having the times of our life’s up there, but still all of us are thinking about you, worrying.“

“But you don't need to worry,“ Louis interrupted him earnestly. “I’m totally fine. I’m happy. Everything is going to work out. Don’t feel bad or stop having fun on my account, I couldn’t live with it.“ 

“Just, I was thinking that —“ But Zayn stopped speaking and simply shook his head.

Louis furrowed his brows at him. “You were thinking what?“

“Have you ever considered coming back? Like, after the Little One is born?“ 

Louis stumbled over his next step, only keeping himself upright by tightening his hands on the pram’s handle. “Well —,“ he began, still startled from the unexpected question. “No, not really. You know I actually can’t, as long as Harry doesn't know about the baby. And now, after the — after the cheating … How could I just come back, say in a year, with a baby in my arms? How would I explain that? To Harry, especially. And how would I act around him, sing on stage with him? It would be a fucking mess.“ He exhaled heavily, staring straight ahead so as to not meet Zayn’s stare.

“It was just a thought. I didn't mean to upset you,“ Zayn said softly.

Louis just shook his head. “It didn't upset me, Zee. Or — maybe it did. It’s just, if things with Harry had gone differently, then maybe there would have been a chance for me to return, you know. Now I feel like there is just no way that wouldn't create a huge fucking shit-storm.“ He grumbled, annoyed with himself. “For god’s sake, I need to stop cursing in front of the twins — mum will kill me if their upcoming chatter includes any of my foul language. Anyway,“ rubbing a hand over his eyes, he threw a quick glance at Zayn, who’s expression was attentive. “I think I need to figure out how I want to proceed with Harry. I don't see much sense in trying to plan out my future if I don’t know how to handle the here and now. As much as I want to, I really can’t keep ignoring him.“

After a little while, Zayn agreed lightly. “Well, that sounds reasonable.“ 

It’s then that they turned the next street corner and Louis caught sight of the house that he could now call his own, standing secluded from the few other houses in the street, therefore giving him all the privacy he wanted and needed without making him feel like he was living the life of a hermit. 

“There it is, Zayn,“ he murmured, bringing the pram to a stop and spending a minute just admiring the brick building from afar. It really was everything he had dreamed about. 

“It’s so pretty, Lou. Suits you well. Let’s go inside!“

\- - - 

Despite what he told Zayn, Louis actually took his sweet time before he made the active decision to contact Harry. It’s been a week already since Zayn had been in Doncaster, the boys of One Direction long back from their tour-stop in Glasgow and now scheduled for concerts in the Barclaycard Arena in Birmingham for the next three nights. 

Louis was sitting on the steps to the small front porch of his house. The three craftsmen he had employed to help him spruce the house up, since he couldn't very well erect things like kitchen fronts and bedroom closets on his own, had left some time ago. There were surprisingly many things he wasn't allowed to do, too, (or so had his pregnancy books taught him), which meant he needed help with a lot of mundane things. That included, for example, painting the rooms, since the fumes were apparently toxic for the baby. So mostly, these days, Louis was just here to supervise or answer questions on how he wished things to be done. It was okay with him, even though he felt like a posh snob just standing by while other people did all the work for him.

Now, as he was staring into the setting sun and enjoying the last warmth of the day on his skin, he thought that there was nothing much he could do about it all. He was pregnant and he had to take care of himself in order to not harm or endanger the baby. And that’s that.

“In a few years, poppet, when you are four or five or six years old and all grown up, and you want a real cool new room, we will do all that together, without any professional help, won’t we? We’ll paint your room in whatever colours you want and try our best at setting you up a real grown up twin bed, yes? We won’t need any help then, no, we’ll do it on our very own, however long that might take. You see, poppet, I’m a silly, lazy person and if you inherit any of the attributes of your other dad and turn out a clumsy little Cheshire cat, it will take us a freaking long time, I assure you. But we will make it, somehow, yes? We will make it all work.“ He gave his stomach a soft little pat, his smile turning nearly ecstatic as he felt how it was just that bit more rounded than it had been the days before. 

Absentmindedly, he turned his head back around and stared at the house. He had finally decided today which of the bedrooms would make the perfect nursery; one of those in the back that had windows overviewing the entire garden in its magnificence, so that his baby could sleep in peace and quiet, without disturbing sounds irrupting from the street. 

It was then, as he was sitting there, talking softly to his baby and wondering what else he could do with the stunning house behind him, that he felt the urge to write Harry a message. He wouldn't call, couldn't call, not ready yet to hear Harry’s voice … but maybe a text was a good start.

_tell me what happened between you and those guys_

It wasn't a really elaborated question at all, but whatever else he had planned on writing had been wiped from his mind in an instant. What he really wanted to know, what he fucking needed to know, was how far exactly Harry went with those boys. 

_i don't want to hurt you any more. i already told you lou._

Harry’s answer was immediate and it sounded resigned. Louis groaned. He was so, so hurt already. What the heck did Harry think? Barely anything he could say now could have the ability to make it any worse for Louis. There was literally no way anything could ever have the power to hurt more. 

_well, then fucking tell me again._

Louis was about to smash his mobile to the ground when he read Harry’s next message.

_can i call you?_

_no._

He typed with shaking fingers, not sure whether he was angry or agitated. I took some time, but then the next messages came in quick succession.

_i kissed them, both of them_

_or made out with them, whatever you want to call it._

_there was tongue involved, definitely. one of them, the dubai one, groped my ass for a bit. i wanted to play with his hair, but it was too short, too wrong, so i broke it off and left._

_cant remember much about the other one. the one from johannesburg._

_are you happy now?_

Louis felt his heart beating somewhere near his throat. He felt his eyes form into slits as he read Harry’s last words. Was this a fucking joke to him?

_what to do you think_

_i’m sorry lou, i didn't mean it like that. i wasn't thinking. cant i call you?_

_no._

_can i do anything?_

_i don't think so_

_i’m so sorry._

_okay._

_do you at least believe me?_

_believe what now?_

_that i’m so incredibly sorry._

Instead of answering like before in short, clipped words, Louis had to actually think about the right response to this question. He was surprised by himself when his fingers typed out:

_i think i do, yes._

Maybe that was a start.

\- - -


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, dear readers!
> 
> This chapter got a little out of hand and therefore longer than I originally planned for it to be, but whatever. I think this might be a little cheesy at one point or another, or maybe that's just me. I hope you like it, though!
> 
> I want to take the time to thank every one of you once more, for commenting and leaving kudos, for reading and being patient with me! 
> 
> Also: How perfect is Made in the A.M.? God, I can't stop listening, I freaking love these boys!
> 
> Anyway, enjoy reading!  
> Julia x

The next weeks went by slowly, in a kind of hazy daze, and Louis was fucking enjoying it. He felt like he had finally time to actually sit down and do nothing for a while, without fearing that the whole world would break down around him. It didn't matter if he went onto Twitter to promote their concerts or any new music they were producing, or if he just left his phone turned off. It didn't matter if he made an effort to show his face outside to at least get some pap shots in there once a week, or if he just stayed inside or in the garden, hidden from view. 

Of course, he eventually took the time to check up on what the media and fans were saying about him. He read some pretty nasty comments on his Twitter page, but surprisingly most of them were concerned with him leaving the band instead of him being gay and out and kinda also proud. Well, it hurt all the same, there was no denying that, but so long as his sexuality wasn't the thing that made the fans turn their backs on him he felt like he could be okay with it all. 

The press, of course, print and online, had a fuckton to say about that aspect of his life. Every single ‘relationship’ he had ever had with any woman or man was scrutinised and picked apart, and every movement of his of the last years was newly interpreted to perfectly fit his now apparently stereotypical gay arse. He was presented as a lier and a fake, as someone who favoured fame and money over honesty and truth. It was hard to deny how much that stung! It’s not like it was his decision to stay in the closet for five fucking years. 

So what, maybe in the beginning, when One Direction was just starting out and trying to carve their way in the music scene, he hadn't been dying to be open about it. He was just 18 years old, inexperienced and thrown into a whole new world — of course he was afraid and insecure about his sexuality then. He didn't want to screw anything up for the rest of the boys, either, because as a matter of fact he could easily admit to: One Direction wouldn't be as big and popular and successful if Louis had been ‘the gay one’ from the start, because that’s just like the world, sadly enough, still is. Lastly, he had a shit management and PR team to top it all off — a team that was gladly shoving him (and Harry, too) as far as possible into the closet, set on never letting them out of there if at all possible. 

There was nothing much he could do about all that now, Louis figured. The public opinion on him was now solidified. It didn't even matter anymore. He just hoped the rude articles about him would stop soon, so that the wold could begin to forget about him for once and all. That’s really all he wanted.

So time went by, and he busied himself with the new house, walking over there every day, sometimes with the one of the girls or the little twins, always enjoying the fresh air and warm summer weather. He found it made him feel energised and happy, just strolling through the quiet neighbourhood whenever he desired. 

The house was coming along fine, too. The craftsmen he hired really were worth their money — they were working quickly and tidily, without being sloppy or careless in the process. All the rooms had been painted or wallpapered by now, most of the floors had gotten carpeted, but some of them remained with their beautiful hardwood flooring. Louis was taken by surprise every day anew, always finding another thing finished and done. 

He was most happy, though, that the nursery was now ready for him to furnish and decorate. He couldn't wait, had been most excited for that since the very beginning of the renovations! 

The sunlit room with the garden view had now two walls painted in a dark, forest-y green colour, the other two remaining in a light beige tone so to not make the room seem too dark or stuffy. Louis had taken about a million years to decide on the green colour, liking that it was rather gender-neutral, but also not as boring as a simple yellow. He had been surfing the internet for days after, looking for the perfect set of nursery furniture. He wanted it to all fit together, wanted colour and style to work perfectly in the room. In the end, he had decided on an all white, wooden set that contained a cot, a wardrobe, a nappy changing unit and a separate chest of drawers. He considered a rocking chair for some minutes (or hours, but who was counting anyway), but felt it was too much cliché in the end.

Now, Louis was stood in the room, in between cardboard boxes that contained all the single pieces of the future room of his baby that two of the craftsmen would assemble the next day. He was anxious for it all to be done already, knowing that after he could very well go out and buy the first baby things that came to his mind, such as cute romper suits or some stuffed animals or even tiny little shoes and socks, and he then had a place to but them, too. He couldn't wait!

As the days went on, he only grew more and more expectant, more and more excited. He was so happy sometimes he just forgot that there were still issues at hand that he had to deal with.

But as he was observing the blooming garden before the window his baby would get to look out of every day while growing up; over the pool that his baby would probably take its first laps in; over the flower beds his baby could plant its very first seeds in; over the whole home he was creating for the two of them right then and there, he couldn't bother to think about all that made him feel helpless and sad.

\- - - 

Since he had first texted Harry about two weeks ago, the boy had tried to contact him pretty constantly, but with little success. It were only ever little messages, trivialities, things that appeared to have flitted through Harry’s mind at some point and that he found significant enough to share with Louis. He never tried calling, even if he sent many messages asking if he was allowed to. Louis never answered those, but he never really answered any of the others either. 

He just didn't know what to say, what to feel, what to do.

Sometimes, the urge to text Harry back, to simply answer his questions of ‘how are you’ or ‘what are you doing’ was overwhelming, but in the end he could never bring himself to do it. 

A part of him was longing for Harry, but an even larger part was so afraid to just get further hurt, to make this whole mess even bigger. 

He was sitting at his mum’s kitchen table, watching her cook dinner — he offered to help, but she had slapped his hands away, so. Instead, he was playing around with his phone, against his intention once again scrolling through the countless messages in his thread with Harry. 

Fucking hell, he was going to drive himself insane. How could he be so torn up about all this?

There was really only one question that he had to sort out for himself: Did he see another chance for Harry and himself, even if it’s just a chance at becoming friends, or did he feel like he couldn't ever face the boy again? 

And, his heart was speeding up in his chest as he was thinking that, he wanted Harry to be in his life. Fuck, he wanted him there, if possible right beside him, forever and always. He wanted to hold Harry’s hands, wanted to kiss Harry’s lips, wanted to feel Harry’s body next to his own. He wanted to go asleep while Harry was holding him in his arms and he wanted to wake up right there the next morning. He only ever wanted Harry, so really, it was a waste of time to even consider the option of pushing the boy out of his life!

But — it was still so hard to take the next step; to confront Harry some more, to initiate another conversation, to work on getting all the past mistakes cleared up. Because all of that, eventually, meant that he had to face Harry, had to look him in the eyes, had to ignore the fact that he had cheated two times. It meant moving on and Louis found it hard to do just that!

Not to forget, there was also the baby which was growing bigger and stronger in his tummy now day by day, a fact that would soon be really difficult to hide, except maybe with the help of oversized jumpers and those were a hard thing to explain on summery hot July afternoons. 

Louis slowly realised that he couldn't have Harry in his life without being honest about the baby, and maybe that was the thing that was holding him back the most! He was so fucking afraid of what the fact that he was having a baby would mean for Harry.

Like, rationally, Louis knew Harry would probably be ecstatic, despite the circumstances. Harry would love this baby, no doubt there. Harry claimed he loved Louis, too. And Louis — Louis really wanted Harry to love him, wanted Harry’s promises to be true. He tried hard to believe him. But if Harry, in the end, decided he didn't love Louis like that anymore, he also didn't want Harry to fake his love for Louis. He didn't want Harry’ love for him just resulting from the love Harry would develop for the baby. He wanted Harry to love him for him, not for the sake of the baby that they would have together. 

Louis didn't even know if his chaotic thoughts made any sense, but to his brain they did! 

Yes, Harry had admitted that he had loved Louis all along, still loved him right this moment, even though they were so far apart in any sense of the words. But — Louis kinda — he wanted to be _with_ Harry before he wanted to be _a family with_ Harry. 

Shaking his head and frowning at himself, he let the thought go. He was so weird.

Maybe he was just stupid for making this all so complicated. Maybe he should stop thinking so hard about every tiny thing that could go right or wrong in the grand scheme of things and do what his heart desired.

His eyes scanned Harry’s last messages once again contemplatively, the radio playing some love ballade or another in the background, his mum singing happily along. How very fitting.

_how are you lou?_

_missed you on stage tonight. miss you every night. i know the fans do too. the newcastle shows all have been freakin amazing, but there was a hole, you know_

_can’t believe we’re heading for sheffield tomorrow already. this leg of the tour went by so fast_

_i wish i could see you sometime._

_i wish you were here_

And that’s where they stopped. They were all sent the evening before, around half past eleven in the evening, the last shortly before twelve a clock. Louis knew that the boys had arrived in Sheffield early this morning, as both Zayn and Niall had texted him, asking him about the baby and how the house was coming along. He also knew Liam had texted Lottie and Fizzy, inviting them both, along with the rest of Louis’ family, to the last show of the tour in two days. 

Louis was glad they weren't forgetting about all of them yet, since he knew that One Direction wasn't just a big part of his life, but of his family’s as well. He told his sisters, and his mum and Dan, that they were all free to go and watch the concert. Why shouldn't that have fun and enjoy themselves? While all of his family was enthusiastically agreeing, his mum just threw worried glances Louis’ way. He was sure he would hear more about that later, too. 

Now, though, his attention was held by the messages that were still glowing on his mobile screen.

He wanted to write something. He really wanted to. But what, what, what? 

In the end he went with the truth.

_i miss you too harry, so much … but you broke my heart and right now i’m not even sure if i ever want to see you again. i’m fucking torn! i want to have you here, i have so much that i want to say to you, so much i want to explain, too. but i’m so fucking afraid that if i see your face again, look into your eyes, all i’m going to see are those … those other boys. the boys you kissed as you contemplated how our love wasn't strong enough_

As he read over the text his thumb was shaking above the send button. But, fuck, he couldn't send that. He couldn’t. He was far from ready of being so open and honest with Harry. So, he deleted it all, before he could do something stupid.

Sighing, he put his phone down on the kitchen table. He couldn't concentrate on this anyway, his thoughts a jumbled mess once more. “Shall I set the table, mum?“ he asked, mainly to get his mind of things. As she was stirring in her pot his mum turned to look at him.

“Yes, that would be great, Lou. You don't have to put out plates for Daisy and Phoebe, though. They are staying at their friends’ house for dinner.“

Nodding Louis got to work, fishing out the suitable number of forks and spoons for the spaghetti out of the cutlery drawer. When he was done, he went through the house to fetch everyone around for the meal. Fizzy and Dan were in the living room playing a game of chess (that Fizzy looked to be winning) while they were watching over the twins playing on the rug before the fire place. Lottie was up in her room reading a magazine with a name Louis hadn't ever heard before. It took only minutes to gather everyone at the kitchen table.

While they were digging into the delicious food Louis felt the eyes of his mother and oldest sister on him, and it got so annoying that after a while his head snapped up and he blurted out: “What?“

Lottie rolled his eyes at his snappy attitude, but his mum’s gaze just remained worried. “Darling, are you sure you are okay with us going to the boys’ last concert?“ 

So that’s what this was about. Great.

“Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? It’s their last gig for a long while, you should go and enjoy it,“ he said simply, in all actuality not seeing the problem they had. It didn't bother him. For whatever reason shouldn't they watch? 

“Well, and what about you? I don't want to leave you here all alone on a night like that,“ his mum continued, though, not convinced.

“Mum, I’m 23 years old, I think I can manage to stay home on my own.“ Now it was Louis’ turn to roll his eyes. 

Instead of his mum it was Lottie who spoke up. “Why don’t you just come with us? Don’t you want to see the others perform? I’m sure it would be a great night and we could have as nice time as a family,“ she paused, before letting her eyes wander to his stomach, or whatever of it she could see above the edge of the table. “Also, I’m sure the Little One would enjoy hearing its daddy sing, don't you think?“

Her bluntness left Louis speechless for a second. 

“What?“, he managed to stutter out, then.

“Don’t you want to at least see Harry?“ she asked back, her expression turning slightly incredulous.

Louis didn't know how they even got there. What had this whole conversation to do with Harry at all? Like, of course, he would sing on that stage, too, but else? Why would Lottie bring him up right now? “What do you want to hear exactly, Lottie? I don't particularly want to see Harry, to be honest, and that’s it.“ He couldn't help that his voice grew cooler.

It was then that the rest of the table grew silent, Dan and Fizzy also turning their attention to Louis’ and Lottie’s conversation that Jay had been watching with increasingly more furrowing brows. Even the little twins stopped in the midst of their mindless babbling.

“I just — like, I told you I didn't want to know what happened between Harry and you, but Lou. You are pregnant. With his baby! Don’t you think that maybe the two of you should at least talk about this?“ She was gesturing around with her empty fork.

Louis exhaled, suddenly and loudly. “Are you — are you judging me for that? For choosing to not tell him?“ He sounded weaker than before.

“No!“ Lottie was quick to intervene. “But I can’t help to — I feel like — Louis, actually, I think it’s just unfair to keep this baby a secret from Harry! He deserves the truth. Like, how would you feel if your roles were reversed?“ She was biting her lips, as if feeling for guilty for saying it out loud, but her eyes remained challenging.

Louis felt a mixture of anger and disappointment well up in his chest. That was how Lottie was thinking, then. And the others — the rest of his family, the boys … were they all thinking along the same lines? Did they think he was treating Harry wrongly? Or did they think him a coward, too gutless to confront Harry and tell him the truth? 

He swallowed. “Alright then.“ His voice was controlled as he placed his fork on his plate and got up from his chair, suddenly feeling nauseous rather than hungry. He went for the door with his gaze lowered to the ground. 

It was amazing how a few simple words from his sisters mouth could leave him feeling like that. It was just — well, he thought she had his back, is all. 

“Lou, honey,“ his mum said, sounding placating. “Come back and eat up!“

“I don't feel hungry anymore,“ he said plainly. When he reached the door, he couldn't help but turn on his sister after all, though. The anger bubbling lowly in his stomach felt like venom, weighing him down. “Just for your information, though, Lottie, since you have such honourable views on what is the right thing to do. My and Harry’s roles could never be reversed, because I wouldn't ever act the way Harry did and Harry wouldn't ever be stupid enough to endure everything that I endured, all right? He ignored me for fucking months in lieu of talking to me. He questioned our whole relationship, but all the same found me good and useful enough for a quick fuck every now and then.“ His mum shot him a glowering look at the use of the curse words and his crude language, but he ignored her, staring straight into Lottie’s blue eyes instead. The next words slipped out of his mouth without his active approval. “Also, he cheated on me twice! I’m sorry I’m such a bad, bad person and don't go running back into his loving arms to raise my child with him. You are so right, how even can I?“ 

He didn't stay to see the horrified looks on his family’s faces. He knew all too well how they were feeling right now, knew that he couldn't have felt all that differently when Harry first confessed to him. It was just a fact of life that nobody ever suspected the perfect, charming, angelic Harry Styles to cheat and treat his partner like that — and therefore, it was an accordingly unexpected shock for everyone to hear that he wasn't impeccable after all.

\- - -

Lottie knocked on his door several hours later, just when he was ready to close his eyes and leave this terrible day behind. Really, everything had gone so great for the last few weeks. Why did everything have to blow up into his face once again?

“Lou, can I come in?“ Her voice was soft and choked, as if she had been crying. How could Louis ever deny her, then?

“Yes,“ he said, unable to ban the slight grumble from his voice nonetheless.

The door opened near almost silently and Lottie tip-toed into the room, her blonde hair shimmering in the faint light of the moon coming through the window. She wore cuddly looking pyjamas. Louis felt basically like forgiving her already. 

Lottie hesitantly took a seat next to him on the bed and Louis wordlessly threw a part of the blanket over her. It seemed to make her less insecure, because she spoke up then.

“Look,“ she started, fiddling with her finger. “I’m so sorry for what I said. I didn't — I didn't mean any harm by it in the first place, but I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have defended Harry the way I did if I had known what he had done. That’s truly horrible, Lou, and I feel so bad. I’m so sorry.“

Louis shook his head, sighing. “It’s okay, Lot. I shouldn't have blown up like I did. I just felt so torn up about this whole situation already, and hearing you talk like that, it just made me feel like I was really mistaken in not telling Harry. And I am — I know that, but. I just — I didn't do it all without reason.“ He ran a hand through his messy hair.

“I know that now, Lou. You don't have to justify yourself anymore. I’m totally and one hundred percent on your side, just like I should have been from the very start. And if you choose to never tell Harry, well, I think I would understand that, too.“

“Thanks, Lottie,“ he said hoarsely. “That means a lot.“

“Anytime, Lou.“

\- - -

Of course, all this escalated conversation achieved, in the end, was that his family was unwilling to attend One Directions’ last concert of the tour. Which, that hadn't been what Louis wanted for them. It also lead to Louis thinking about Harry constantly now, without any chance of interruption or distraction. 

Harry, Harry, Harry, whose unanswered messages still blinked up at him from his mobile every chance they got. 

It was just as he was trying to convince his mum and Fizzy, once again, to attend the show that would take place that same evening, that his phone chimed in his pocket. He wrinkled his nose, but reached for it anyway.

Fizzy used the opportunity to make herself scarce. “I know you want to go to that concert, young lady!“ Louis called after her, unimpressed. His mum looked at him pityingly from where she was feeding Ernest some baby food from a heated jar.

Everyone had looked at him like that ever since his outburst two days before. They felt sorry for him, stupid little Louis, who had let his boyfriend cheat on him and somehow, funnily enough, got knocked up in the process. Louis absolutely loathed it! He loathed even more that now his family seemed to have developed a joint grudge against Harry and Louis never meant for that to happen. That’s why he hadn't wanted to tell anyone about the cheating in the first place. Yes, Harry fucking hurt him, but he still didn't deserve the entire dislike of the Tomlinson-Deakin-Clan or anyone else, for that matter. It was a thing between the two of them and Louis didn't need anybody else to get involved. 

Sighing in surrender, he took a seat in a nearby chair and pulled up the new text he had received just then. It was from Harry, something that didn’t especially surprise him. The unanswered texts from before were still making Louis feel kinda guilty, but the new one just left him helpless. 

_will you come to the show tonight? please?_

And this time — this time Louis had to write back. 

“Would you come to the show if I went, too?“ He asked into the room, barely even looking up from his phone and for sure not thinking through what he was saying. His mum lifted her head so jerkily, though, that Louis feared she got whiplash.

“What? Why would you want to go, all of a sudden?“ She asked with suspicion written all over her features, while Ernest grabbed for the spoon she was halfway into holding up for him, eventually resulting in him smearing mush all over himself. 

Louis bit his lip. “I have my reasons,“ he mumbled, unsure, as if he was posing a question. 

“Well, I certainly wouldn't let you go on your own, so. If you insist we will accompany you, of course, darling.“

Louis exhaled shakily, nodding to himself. All right, then. All right. 

_i’ll be there_

He pressed send before he could change his mind again.

\- - - 

They left late in the afternoon; his family in Dan’s mini van, which was the only car that could fit all six of Louis’ siblings comfortably. He himself chose to drive his own car, as he needed some time on his own before he found himself opposite Harry once again. He remembered well enough how their last meeting went.

He drove his Range Rover, which he had taken up from the London house after he had left Zayn’s, since he otherwise hadn't had another car to drive to Doncaster with. He was quite happy to have the car here now, since it was probably most appropriate for a pregnant person to drive in, high enough to make access easy. 

It took him an hour to get to Sheffield because, annoyingly enough, he had to stop near by Wickersley for a pee. He found the venue easily enough with his navigation system — but really, he probably only would have had to follow the masses of cars that were driving through into the town, most of them filled with at least two teenage girls in colourful clothes and with witty signs plastered against windows. He couldn't help but smile at the lovingly designed pieces. 

Since he didn't want to be spotted by any fans anywhere at the entrance or in the parking lot, though, he drove around the arena like Liam had told him to do as they had talked on the phone earlier in the day. It’s the way the artists and their crews always entered the venues, away from all the hustle and bustle out front. 

He spotted Dan’s van soon enough and drove into the empty spot right beside it. His family was nowhere in sight as he stepped out of the car and with that he suddenly began to feel uncomfortable. He hadn't really thought about how it all would go once he got here. 

Normally, he would have a schedule when arriving at any venue — soundcheck, some relaxation time and dinner, hair and make-up, dressing and go! Now, he stood rather lost and all alone in the lot, his eyes flitting over to the tour bus he had spent so many nights in and then to the metal back doors. 

Not sure what else to do, he headed for them, finding them guarded by a security guy that had to belong to the arena, since Louis didn't know him. Upon muttering his name he was let in without problems, luckily. Then, after walking two completely empty white corridors with linoleum floors, trying to follow the noise level as any indication of where he had to go, he came across Zayn, who wasted no time to kiss Louis’ cheeks and, unexpectedly, his slightly rounded tummy, too, all with the biggest smile on his face. 

“Good to see you and the Little One, Lou. I’m glad you’ve come!“

Louis beamed back at Zayn as he returned the happy welcome, a small hand lingering on his tummy.

Zayn led him to the big, cafeteria-like room where almost everyone was gathered, his family right in the middle with Lottie and Fizzy excitedly flitting about. From there on out it was all overjoyed, gushing greetings and lots of hugs from everyone around, including the crew and the other boys’ families, who had driven up from around to watch the (for the time being) last show of One Direction as well. 

Louis couldn't deny that his heart plummeted to the ground when Anne embraced him heartily and tightly, as always lovely and caring when she asked him about his well-being. Louis couldn't tell if she was unaware of the troubling situation between him and Harry or if she simply didn't care. It was nice to see her again either way, Louis found, as he had always loved her very dearly.

In the end, only Liam and Harry were missing from the room, Louis soon found, and when dinner got served they still hadn't turned up. Most of the people around were catching up in small groups as they tucked into the different dishes Sarah had prepared for them. 

Louis didn't feel like eating. He was kind of embarrassingly glad that he hadn't seen Harry yet, but he couldn't help and wonder where the boy was. Wasn't it him who had wanted Louis here? 

Being the emotionally unstable person that he had been for the last months, Louis immediately began to doubt his decision of coming here. Maybe it had been a mistake after all? Maybe Harry had changed his mind, just like Louis had always expected him to, and didn't feel like seeing and talking to Louis after all? 

The thoughts were causing his stomach to ache. He probably was stressing himself out over nothing. He grabbed a banana from the buffet table, because the Little One craved it, and made his way over to Zayn and Niall, who were sitting with Robin and Geoff and seemed to be talking about some golf tournament Louis’ couldn't be bothered with. Instead, he cuddled up to Niall, feeling needy and lonely in the big space crowded with people he used to be fucking close with only weeks ago. He was feeling out of place, even though everybody has been nothing but kind and warm with him. He also was blissfully ignoring the confused stares both Robin and Geoff sent his way. It’s not like he could blame them for being puzzled, since normally he would only cling to Harry that way.

“He is extremely nervous to see you, that’s why he is staying in the dressing room with Liam for now,“ Niall whispered into his ear as Louis chewed sluggishly on his banana and Zayn kept Geoff’s and Robin’s attention on him with a stupid hotel story that they had experienced about a million years ago in the US that wasn't even funny anymore because it was so old and over-told. 

Louis sat up a little straighter, watching Niall with new intent, desperate to know more. The blond boy just shrugged. “There is nothing more to say. I think he wants to talk to you after, otherwise he would probably be too out of it to perform tonight.“ 

“Well, all right. I just hope he won’t change his mind,“ Louis admitted finally, after making sure everyone else at the table was otherwise engaged in a conversation.

“Don’t be silly, Lou. He has been waiting for over a month to get a chance to talk to you. He wouldn't be stupid enough to not use it,“ Niall was quick to assure him. 

Louis sighed.

“I really wish the both of you can figure something out, Lou. Don't know what Harry did, but considering Zayn’s been basically ignoring him since he came back from visiting you in Donny it must have been something right shitty. I hope it’s something you can work through anyway. Would love to see you two and the Little One as a family.“ Niall smiled encouragingly, his eyes bright and friendly as always as he let them flit to Louis’ stomach, save and protected under a loose shirt and his favourite Adidas jacket.

Still, Louis felt helpless as he did so often. “I would love that, Ni, I would love to be a family. But I don't — at this point I don't see that — I don't know if I can. I want to, but —“ He interrupted himself, and thankfully Niall didn't expect him to finish, just patted his back in silent support.

\- - - 

Half an hour later Niall and Zayn went for hair and make-up with Lou and afterwards got dressed in the clothes Caroline had set out for them. Louis stayed with the families in the backstage area, to the right side of the stage, and before he knew it, the show started and the boys walked out through a hidden door in the back.

Louis’ heart was stuttering in his chest as he caught sight of Harry, dressed in dark skinny jeans and a blue and white downward-striped shirt that looked rather brilliant on him. His curls were flying around his head as he began to sing the songs they all wrote together, as he danced just as stupidly and freely and uncaringly as he always did, enjoying himself to the fullest.

And maybe Niall had been right — maybe it had been better that they hadn't met up and talked before the show. It would have made the rest of the night harder on both of them. 

He stood with his head on his mum’s shoulder, humming along to all those songs that were so close to his heart. More than once he had to fight the urge to step in and sing his solos, some he had to fight for bitterly. Nowadays, it was either Liam, Niall, Zayn or Harry taking them and it hurt, somehow, how easy it was after all for them to continue without a struggle, without missing a beat. 

The further along they got with the show the more Louis’ eyes began to burn, but he didn't cry. Wouldn't cry. A look down to his simple black shirt, although it wasn't revealing anything, reminded him that everything so far had been worth it.

Then there was his mum, too, who held onto him tightly, muttering a million and one encouraging words into his ears. “I’m so proud of you, darling. Leaving all this behind — not many people would have done it. Your Little One will love you all the more for it, once they realise how much exactly you sacrificed to raise them in peace and quiet and safety.“ 

It was then, ironically enough during‘Little Things’, that Louis realised he had wasted so much time by now, worrying over a fitting nickname for his baby, that he hadn't even noticed it already had one. Little One. It was sweet and simple and on point and right there all along. Everybody was referring to the baby that way anyway. Zayn said it first, probably, right when he found out in the hotel room in Wressle. His mum used to say it too, whenever she would mention the baby. Even then, just back at dinner, Niall had called the baby Little One. And now that he was thinking about it, he had, more often than not, thought about it as his Little One, too, although out loud he had tried out all sorts of baby-suited-nicknames. But — honestly, there was never one that fitted as perfectly as the one at hand. 

“Little One,“ he whispered, not audible for anyone, not even his mum next to him, over the volume of the boys’ singing and the fans screaming their hearts out. 

After that, Louis had a hard time to concentrate on anything, his mind swirling, his eyes focused downwards on his tummy more often than not for the next hour. He had gone a little further from the stage and everyone who was gathered there, telling his mum he needed some air. He was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with the excited atmosphere everyone else relished in. 

He chose to use the toilet and then wandered around the confusing corridors in search of the boys’ rooms, really just wanting a place to lie down and rest for a minute or two. 

To his surprise he discovered that the One Direction seemed to share one large dressing room at this venue, instead of everyone getting a separate one. Louis didn't know if there were simply no more rooms available or if the boys chose to spent their last night on stage closely together backstage as well. 

However it may be, Louis gladly pressed the wooden door shut behind him and went for a sofa in the corner, heavily falling onto it, breathing deeply. He turned his head here and there, taking in the mess only four twenty-something year old boys could leave in a matter of hours. There were half full bottles of water and beer standing around, clothes over clothes on the floor and every surface, really, a playstation set up in front of a flatscreen, bag packs and duffles haphazardly thrown down wherever, mobile chargers stuck in every socket and plates full of half-eaten snacks on the tables. Louis would like to say that he hadn't ever been that bad in his own dressing rooms, but it would have been a lie, so.

He was about to let his eyes fall closed for a moment, feeling ready for a quick nap, when his gaze caught onto a blue pattern on white ground that he knew only too well. His heart stuttered in his chest as he hastily got up from the sofa, stumbling across the room to one of the leather bags laying around, clearly one of Harry’s. His hands shook as he grabbed the blue and white fabric that was stuffed into it disorderly, slowly pulling it from its confinement. 

Wow.

He couldn't help but sink onto the ground as he held onto the ‘his’ blanket, his ‘his’ blanket, the one from a matching set of blankets of which Harry himself had the white-and-pink patterned ‘her’ part. Fuck, Louis hadn't seen those in years, really. They used to always carry them around during the Up All Night Tour, dragging them onto every plane and into every hotel room. They had been so mad about these blankets, but after that first tour there were new things to hold onto, new things to get wild over. Louis faintly remembers how Harry had stored them in a wall closet in their London home years ago, just after they started to really move in there.

To see it now here, in Harry’s bag, such a present reminder of a long gone time — it shook him up.

He didn't know what made him do it, but seconds later he found himself on the sofa from before, snuggled up under the blanket while his eyes slipped closed to the familiar smell of Harry that, curiously, clung to it. 

\- - - 

“There you are, Lou, we’ve been looking all over for you,“ a voice shook him from his dreamless sleep. He blinked lazily, needing a bit before he recognised Liam’s face in front of him.

“I’ve been here all along,“ he mumbled in response, stretching his back and sitting up slowly. He felt like going right back to bed — a real bed. Damn, he was so exhausted and he couldn't say why. It’s not like he had done terribly demanding things that day.

“You missed the end of the show,“ Liam continued, which, obviously. If Liam was here that meant that the concert had to be over. 

Louis eyed the other boy, his sweat-soaked shirt, messy hair and bright grin, and wrinkled his nose over-exaggeratedly. “You stink.“

Liam stuck his tongue out in return. “Thanks, mate! Nice to see you, too, by the way!“

Louis held his arms out at that, an honest smile making its way onto his face. “Hey, Li, missed you loads!“

Liam hugged him warmly and after, they exchanged some quick news, Louis interested in knowing about Liam’s plans for the next months and Liam asking all about the baby. Just as he was about to reach out and touch Louis’ ever-growing tummy, the door flew open and in waltzed Harry, curls clinging to his neck and shirt halfway unbuttoned, his skin glistening. He stopped mid-step when he noticed them sitting on the sofa and Liam was quick to let his hand sink. 

Louis, once again, lost his breath.

A heavy silence settled over the room and it took uncomfortably long until Liam cleared his throat and, after sending a helpless glance around, as if asking the furniture what to do, made to leave the room. “I’ll tell your mum you're back here, Lou, so she won’t worry.“ Then, he slipped past Harry and was gone.

The stifling silence between Harry and him remained, though, until Harry took one more step into the room and closed the door behind him gently.

“Hey,“ he started out, voice deep and uncertain, eyes flitting about. “I’m — I’m really glad you came, Lou. How are you?“ 

Louis swallowed with difficulties. “Fine, I guess. How about you?“ 

Harry nodded in reply, almost distractedly, as he walked towards the sofa. It’s then that he seemed to notice the blue blanket that Louis was, unconsciously, clinging to. His cheeks blushed red and he bit his lip. 

“Sorry,“ Louis said, letting go of the blanket as if he had burned his fingers. “I just — saw it in your bag and — I was surprised to see it, that you had it with you. I didn't mean to snoop or anything.“

“That’s all right,“ Harry muttered. “It’s yours anyway, isn't it? You can — you can take it, if you want it.“ And although he did seem to mean the words, Louis detected a trace of sad reluctance in his voice.

“Oh no, you keep it. I just — I was tired and used it for a nap, nothing more.“ He folded the blanket as carefully as possible, but it only looked wrinkled and worn when he handed it over to Harry, anxiously avoiding touching his hands in the process.

“Thanks.“

This situation was fucking weird. Last time they saw each other, Louis had been left destroyed and in tears, sobbing his soul out, and now — now he felt like he couldn't look Harry in the eyes: because he was embarrassed, but also because he was so hurt. 

“I — when I went back to the house, in London, I got some stuff and the blanket and I — I found your — your letter,“ Harry said then, barely comprehensible for Louis because he spoke so quietly, his voice trembling. He took a seat at the end of the sofa and stared straight ahead. “And it really — it broke my heart all over again, reading that, seeing your tear stains on the paper. I couldn't believe that I had been so stupid, that I had treated you like I did, that I betrayed you like I have and still — still you took the blame. You apologised for being not enough when that never — fucking never was true. It made me loose the ground beneath my feet. I couldn't get up from the couch for three days straight, I was so out of it. And I just — I wanted nothing more but to tell you that — Lou, everything you said, it’s so untrue. You’ve always been my world, my everything. And you've always been more than enough, more than I ever deserved. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I — I had to tell you, I want you to know. Don’t ever believe such things about yourself. You are the most perfect boy, man I ever met!“

Louis let his head fall down into his hands, desperate to stop the tears that were welling up in his eyes. His insides were caught in a hurricane, and nothing made sense. He wanted to believe Harry, wanted to save up his sweet words, wanted to fall into his arms and never again let go.

But.

“Why did you — why did you still sleep with me? Even though you didn't see a future for us, back then, a few months ago. How could you still crawl into bed next to me, after you kissed these strangers, and — and touch me and kiss me and act like you care? This is — it honestly bothers me the most. I feel so — so dirty every time I just think about it, so used and — just, why?“ This is what he managed to get out, eventually, because it was after all the thing that pained him the most. The simple fact that the baby growing inside of him probably wasn't made in love and desire and the mutual wish of Harry and him to spent all their life together. Knowing that it was just a meaningless night to Harry, a quick fuck and nothing more. Letting of some steam. 

Harry hiccuped next to him, the words obviously moving him. “I never wanted you to feel this way. God, Louis, I’ll never be able to express how much I regret all this. I’m sorry, I’m so bloody sorry! But — sleeping with you, it always meant something to me. It wasn’t like, it wasn't just for the sake of relief. I savoured every last minute of it, I remember every single movement you made and every single sound you uttered and your — your beautiful face when you came. You were always so fragile when I — when I loved you, open and vulnerable, but so endlessly trusting. I will never ever forget how you were in those moments, even if — especially if — I never get so see and hear and feel you again this way. I’ll never forget it.“

Louis pressed his eyes closed, exhaling slowly. Harry’s words, they were honest, he knew that. But — they weren't enough. Not enough to ban the pain and despair and heartbreak that always lingered from his mind. “I have to —,“ he began, lightheaded, restlessly getting to his feet. “I have to go. I can’t — I don't know — I just. You are.“ He tried to breathe evenly, then turned to look straight into Harry’s eyes with his hands folded in front of his tummy, now more aware of it than ever before. Harry, though, was oblivious. “You are the love of my life, Harry. You — you are, after all. But I don't know how to go on, how to leave this behind, how to — I don't know how I can ever trust you again. I want to, so bad, I really do.“ He shrugged his shoulders, helpless. “But I don't know how. When I close my eyes, I want nothing more than for you to lie beside me, to hold me like you used to, but then I — then I see those blurry faces of boys that aren't me and I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can’t do anything but wait for the pain to subside. I’m trying so hard to convince myself that it will be okay, that you made mistakes, but that I’m still the one for you. But — however much I’m begging myself, I don't feel ready at all to be with you in any way. Not now and maybe — maybe not ever. I wouldn't know what to do if that were the case.“ His words go more and more unclear the more he talked, his voice so shaky it sounded as if he was stuttering. “I can’t imagine living my life without you, all the while I’m trying to do just that.“

“I — I understand,“ Harry rasped out, eyes red and tear streaks down his pale cheeks. He looked so messed up and shaken that Louis couldn't help but grasp one of his lax hands, squeezing it softly. It send shock waves of emotions through Louis himself, and he soon let it fall again. “I won’t hold you up, Louis. I can’t thank you enough for coming out, really, and for seeing me. It meant the world to me. Just — just, please, remember that I love you and that I’ll always be here for you, whenever you need me. Even if — even if you need me as a friend.“ His voice was pleading.

Louis couldn't do anything but nod jerkily. Then, he headed for the door.

“Wait, Lou, one last thing!“ Harry’s chocked voice held him back unexpectedly.

Spinning around again, Louis saw Harry fumbling with his coat pocket, before he brought forth a slightly creased envelope that no longer held its natural purely white colour, but rather a yellowy tone. It looked like Harry had carried it around for some time already.

“What’s that?“ Louis asked, unsurely. He only reached for the envelope hesitantly, Harry holding it out to him with a weak hand.

After Louis took it, Harry ran his hands through his long curls. “Just something I’ve been working on. For a — while, I guess. Like, months, probably. Before everything between us went so extremely out of hand. I want you to have it because I’ve written it for you in the first place. So — I hope you won’t throw it away immediately. It’s the only existing version.“

Louis’ mouth went dry. “Thank you,“ he said with a croak, not sure what to make of it all.

“Take care, Lou, and call or text or whatever, if you — if you ever feel like it.“ Harry hid his hands in his pockets, looking rather lost just standing there and staring alternately at Louis and the ground.

“I’ll — I’ll do, if —“ Louis didn't finish the senseless sentence, just shook his head forlornly and left the dressing room with his head down.

When he stared onto the envelope that he clutched like his life depended on it, he noticed words written out in Harry’s scrawly handwriting. 

_If I Could Fly,_ it said, and it didn't take Louis a minute to figure out what he would find inside the wrinkled paper pocket. 

\- - -


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello!
> 
> Welcome back to this, more or less, exciting chapter, I guess. One of the hardest for me to write, for sure, and it turned out so far from how I imagined it to be, but can't do anything about that yet. I hope you like how everything is developing!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented and gave kudos, I'm really, really grateful!
> 
> Now, please enjoy reading!  
> Julia x

The envelope in Louis’ hands weighted him down and the urge to simply rip it open and read everything it held inside right then and there was overwhelming. But he was still inside the venue, walking down a random corridor, with people all around, throwing him glances and shouting words that he couldn't bother to decipher.  
 He wanted out, wanted to go and sit in his car, switch on the overhead light and read whatever Harry had written down onto the piece of paper that was tucked into the envelope. His heart was beating hard and fast, but his head reminded him of his priorities. 

So, instead of ignoring everyone around and heading straight out he pocketed the letter and returned to the backstage area, where the boys except for Harry, most of the families and parts of the crew that weren't needed right then were still gathered, laughing and toasting and exchanging stories. It was a lively affair and any other time Louis probably would have joined right in, grabbed a glass of champagne for himself and made the rounds. Now, he felt uncomfortable and on edge, just out of place, really.

His mum spotted him from a corner of the room and waved him over, holding a bottle of water out for him as soon as he stopped next to her. He took it gratefully, remembering suddenly how he hadn't drunk anything for quite some time and how thirsty he actually felt.

“Do my eyes deceive me? No beer for our Tommo today?“ It was Lou who spoke up from where she was sitting with Lottie on one of the tables. She was rather giggly, obviously having had one or two drinks for herself already. 

Louis tried to keep his facial expression neutral as he searched for a fitting remark. Thankfully, his mum stepped in quickly enough. “He took some Advil before, so I told him he shouldn't have any alcoholic beverages this evening.“

Lou nodded half-seriously, before returning to her conversation with Lottie, so the topic was dropped. 

“Mum, I think I’m going to leave now. I just came in here to say goodbye to everyone,“ Louis said then, turning to his mum.

“Are you okay, Lou? You look like you've been crying.“ A concerned frown made its way onto his mum’s face and she reached out to softly stroke along his cheek.

Louis nodded weakly. “I’m good, I promise. Just feel a little exhausted, it’s been a stressful day and, you know.“

“Do you need me to drive back with you? If you’re tired maybe you shouldn't —“ She looked about ready to drop everything and leave with him, so he hastily interrupted her.

“No, that’s all right, mum. I can handle the drive, it’s not that long anyway.“ 

He wasn’t willing to ruin her evening, keen on her, Dan and the girls having a good time. He was sick of always taking up his mum’s time, making her worry for his well-being all the while. And anyway, he was feeling like being on his own right now anyway, still more than desperate to read Harry’s words. 

Of course, it took a little more persuading for his mum to finally let him go, and he had to eat a sandwich under her supervision, too. When she was satisfied, Louis began to go around the room, saying his goodbyes to Liam, Niall and Zayn and their families and passing on his love for everyone not present at the moment.

And then he left, zipping his jacket up as he stepped through the same metals back doors he had come in to hours before. The sky was dark now, but the late July air still warm enough to enjoy. He considered for a moment to just walk around outside for a while, but when he thought about how there were probably still many fans around, he decided against it. 

He walked to his car in large steps and climbed inside with a heavy exhale. He began to feel out of shape already and he wasn't even five months along yet. He let his left hand rest on his rounded tummy, whilst he grabbed for the envelope with his right one.

Biting his lip, he stared at the crinkly paper for a bit, not ready to move and turn on the light yet. Maybe it would be smarter to drive back to Doncaster first, since he couldn't very well know how emotional the words written inside would make him. 

If he lost it now, in a parking lot behind the venue where basically everyone he loved and cared for was gathered — well, that could end embarrassing if someone would find him sobbing and shaking, alone in his car. 

Then again, Louis had never been a particularly patient person. He let his hand slide from his stomach, put the key into the ignition and stretched to turn on the overhead light. It was a cold, unnatural light, but it’s not as if he had much of a choice.

As he had imagined before, his hands trembled as he tried to open the envelope without tearing it too much, afraid to destroy the piece of paper tucked inside. When he finally got it out, all the while breathing deeply to cease the nausea that was churning in his guts, he took his time unfolding the sheet. 

_if i could fly_ it said on the top, just like it had on the front of the envelope already. To see Harry’s handwriting was such a strangely calming and painful thing simultaneously. It had been so familiar to him for such a long time and now brought back memories of a million and one post-it notes that Louis had found at the most random times and in the most random places and that always held the most stupid, witty or loving notes scribbled down by Harry just for him. He hadn't gotten such a note in ages, must have been sometime in the last year or so. 

He tried not to dwell on it all as he finally let his eyes wander further down the page. As he had suspected the words looked to belong to a song that Harry wrote. Louis eyes flew over them, once, twice, thrice and again, so often that it all became a big blur of blue ink and whitish paper. There were tears in his eyes when they were flitting back to the beginning. 

_if i could fly, i’d be coming right back home to you,  
i think i might give up everything, just ask me to. _

Really, though, he could skip to any line, they all held such meaning, they all touched his heart. 

_i'm missing half of me when we're apart,  
now you know me, for your eyes only._

Louis hiccuped. He wondered when exactly Harry had written this song. Where in the world he had been. If he had cried. If his hands had been cold and pale and shaking, just like Louis’ are now.

_i can feel your heart inside of mine_  
_i've been going out of my mind_  
_know that i'm just wasting time_  
_and i hope that you don't run from me._

Pressing his eyes closed, Louis folded the piece of paper again and after a while of just holding onto it, let it slide onto the passenger seat, so his hands could grip onto the steering wheel. 

He didn't know what to do. 

Or maybe he did. 

Opening his eyes again, he took a deep breathe, then fished his mobile from his pocket. He wiped his hand over his wet eyes, trying to clear his sight to focus on his phone. He unlocked it with practiced ease and searched for Harry’s name in his WhatsApp contact list. 

_which hotel are you staying at tonight?_

Slouching back into his seat he sighed. He was probably about to make a stupid fucking mistake right about then, but he couldn't help himself. His phone vibrated, notifying him that Harry had answered.

_copthorne hotel. why?_

Typing out his response, Louis began to doubt his sanity for a second or five.

_tell me your room number? i’m going to wait for you there_

Harry was still online and so, unsurprisingly, his reply took no more than a few seconds.

_it’s 236. i’ll be there as soon as i can ___

__Nodding to himself, Louis carelessly let his phone drop onto the passenger seat, right onto the letter holding the song Harry apparently wrote for him, about him, with him in mind. He nodded to himself as he typed the hotel name into his navigation system, then started up the car and reversed out of the parking spot._ _

__As he drove out through the closed off entry way he used this afternoon as well, he swore he could see a figure swiftly slipping out of the back doors in his rearview mirror. He nervously swiped his fringe from his eyes, then faced stoically ahead and followed the way the aloof voice described to him in short and clipped sentences._ _

__\- - -_ _

__Louis sat on the freshly hoovered hotel carpet with his legs crossed and his hands folded, sighing time and time again as he stared at the door directly in front of him which had the number 236 pegged onto it the form of gold-glimmering metal digits._ _

__There hadn't been any security anywhere on the way up, to Louis’ immense surprise, but it’s not as if he was complaining. He could never be sure how his previous bodyguards would regard him nowadays — maybe they wouldn't let him through without talking it over with somebody first and Louis could really do without that kind of embarrassment, didn't want to be found begging to see the boys that had been his band-mates not even two months ago._ _

__He was pretty sure that the person he had seen before, exiting the venue in a hurry, had been Harry, but the boy still wasn't here. Louis had been waiting for nearly half an hour now, banging his head lightly against the beige coloured wall he was leaning on and considering, again and again, if it wouldn't be wiser to just leave now. Harry should be here by now if he left directly after Louis._ _

__Still, Louis remained seated, frittering away the time by shooting menacing glances at the golden numbers nailed to the door. The sandwich from before lay heavy in his stomach._ _

__“Where is your Daddy dawdling around, huh, Little One?“ He mutters while he rearranges his shirt over his tummy. He was still a bit paranoid that Harry would notice the slight bump — after all, he was the one who used to know Louis’ body better than anyone, used to always notice when he gained or lost some amount of weight, had always had an inkling whenever Louis was uncomfortable with his own appearance and of course also always knew just the way to make him feel better about it._ _

__“I’m here, I’m here, I’m so sorry,“ a very familiar voice practically yelped down the corridor, then, and Louis startled so harshly his whole body twitched as he twirled around to see Harry jogging towards him, still clad in the outfit he had worn on stage with curls untamed as usual._ _

__“I was held up in front of the hotel, some fans, you know how it is. I would have felt bad not stopping, who knows how long they've been waiting out there?“ Shrugging half-heartedly, Harry held his large hand out to Louis, an offer to help him up._ _

__Normally, Louis would deem himself too dignified to accept help when getting off of the floor, but since he felt his balance was getting a little out of control anyway, he just reached for Harry and let the other boy pull him up. Their hands fell apart as fast as lightning after, though._ _

__“That’s okay, I guess. It’s not like I have any plans for the rest of the night.“ Which — that wasn't entirely true. He had to drive back to Donny, after all, and he would prefer to not do that in the fucking early hours of the morning._ _

__That reminded him; he probably should text his mum and let her know he would stay in Sheffield for a bit longer, after all. If she were to come home and not see Louis’ car in the driveway she would probably have a heart attack. He fumbled his phone from his pocket and typed out a quick message, promising her to be home sometime that night and that he would let her know if anything was wrong._ _

__When he looked up again, Harry had opened the hotel room door with his key card and was stood waiting for him, an uncertain expression on his face. “Sorry,“ Louis muttered, putting away his mobile and pushing past Harry through the doorway._ _

__The room he stepped into was reasonably sized and elegantly furnished, with dark wood and violet and beige accents everywhere. It looked rather pretty, made only more captivating with all of Harry’s stuff lying around. There were two bags and a suitcase stashed away in the corner, Harry’s MacBook and second phone were placed haphazardly on the bedside table, charging cords were hanging around like stumbling blocks and clothes were strewn all over the couch. His trusty leather journal was buried between the sheets of the queen sized bed. It was messy and boyish and so familiar. It was just Harry all around and Louis would like nothing more than to fall down onto the bed, huddle under the duvet and breathe it all in._ _

__Instead, he stood a little cluelessly in the middle of the room, fiddling with his fingers, not knowing where it would be appropriate for him to sit down. As if he was reading his mind, Harry stepped up next to him and gestured to the bed in an obvious invitation for Louis to settle there._ _

__Now that they were in the room, with the door closed and no noises coming through the wide windows, everything felt weird. They hadn't been alone like this, with no one in the next room or just a staircase away, in forever. The situation was almost frightening._ _

__“So — what are you doing here? Like, I’m happy to see you again so soon, but, you know.“ Harry said slowly, after he switched on the kettle that was standing on the sideboard near the mini fridge._ _

__“I read your song. In the car. And it’s — it’s really beautiful, Harry,“ Louis began, slipping his shoes of unceremoniously so he could tuck his knees into his chest. He took up barely any space on the bed at all. “And then I,“ he paused, indecisive, before he just went with the truth. “And then I didn't know what to do, but somehow still did, as well. I texted you because I feel like — you opened up to me, you confessed everything to me back at Zayn’s place, you wrote this song, and I think you deserve some explanation from me, too. I can imagine that, probably, you have some questions and it’s only fair of me to answer them as honestly as I can, I guess.“_ _

__The water in the kettle boiled just as Harry nodded in answer. It took only a minute to prepare two cups of tea and Louis only frowned slightly when Harry handed over a mug full of Yorkshire for him. Just a little, every once in a while, was okay, he reminded himself, not willing to put up a fuss and draw attention. He was acting weird enough around everyone and it wouldn't take long before some serious questions would be directed his way and he wasn't half ready yet for that to happen._ _

__So he smiled his thanks and blew into the steam that was rising from the cup._ _

__“Can I ask a question then?“ Harry inquired into the silence. He had taken a seat on the bed as well, but left enough space between them. Louis was grateful for it._ _

__Trying to be encouraging, but surely failing completely, Louis nodded. He meant what he had said, he wanted to be honest with Harry, because the boy deserved it. He would try his best at being forward and open, but still — the prospect was daunting._ _

__“Okay, I want to — why didn't you. I want to know why you never told me you could — get pregnant? Why did you never mention it?“_ _

__This was a question Louis had actually expected, and it was one he could answer truthfully, too. He cleared his throat and held the mug tighter in his hands before he raised his voice to speak. “First of all I want you to know that not telling you — that wasn't because of you or because I didn't trust you or anything like that. I had made that decision, the one to not ever tell anyone that is, right when I found out about the gene. I was fifteen and, well, I just knew at once that I never ever wanted to carry a child in all my life.“_ _

__He could mark down the exact moment Harry’s face dropped, could see how his lips turned downward and his eyes became muddled and sad at hearing Louis’ blunt statement. It was the exact reaction he always imagined Harry having if he ever told him about this. It’s one of the reasons he didn’t, to never see the blatant disappointment written so clearly in his features._ _

__“My mum knew, obviously, as she was with me at my doctor’s appointment. I begged the GP straight away for some pills, or anything really, that would prevent me from ever getting pregnant, but they sent me to an OB/GYN first, of course. I hated it all, it scared me, overwhelmed me, made me so damn uncomfortable, and that’s exactly what I told the OB/GYN during my examination, too, and so I finally got my pills and — was done with it. I took them regularly from then on out. And after a while, I basically forgot I possessed the gene. Taking the pills became a routine, one I never particularly thought about, and that was it. I never again spent time bothering with it.“ Louis sighed, rubbed a hand over his tired eyes that surely still had to be red from his crying before. “When I met you, when I fell in love with you, when I realised how — how serious everything between us was I — I began to feel guilty. I didn't want to keep this secret from you, but Harry I — you — you are so devoted to your family, to my family, to every baby and toddler and child you meet wherever you go and I — I couldn't bear to tell you that I could have our — our babies, but that I didn't ever want to. It would have broken your heart — it did break your heart, in the end, didn't it.“ It wasn't a question, for the answer was evident, written in Harry’s entire posture._ _

__Quiet settled once again and Louis, flustered and unsure, occupied himself with his tea. It tasted wonderful. Harry had always been one of the few people to get his tea order right, after he spent weeks on end trying to perfect it._ _

__“You said you took the pills regularly. Do you not take them anymore?“ Harry watched him over the brim of his own mug, expression still faintly hurt._ _

__“I don't take them right now, no,“ Louis admitted. He hadn't even realised his slip up._ _

__Harry’s response came instantly. “Why that? Have you — changed your mind?“ There was a tint of hope to his voice._ _

__Louis hesitated. “Well, there are various reasons, I guess. But I — I maybe also changed my mind a little bit, yeah.“ He lowered his gaze, too afraid to watch how Harry’s entire face would likely light up in joy at this further piece of information._ _

__“That’s great news, Lou! I mean — even if — you know, even if not you and — and me. I still think it’s great that you consider carrying your own baby after all. It’s courageous, too,“ said Harry, affectionately. “You would make the greatest papa ever.“_ _

__Louis could feel his heart beat stuttering. His voice was a little weak when he asked: “Why would you think I’m papa? Not daddy?“_ _

__Harry blushed a bright red colour, which only made Louis more curious. It took the boy a while to form words. “Don’t laugh, okay? It’s just that — well, whenever I would imagine us having children — I thought of myself as daddy and you as — as papa. It just seemed fitting, in my head.“ He shrugged self-consciously._ _

__Louis bit his bottom lip almost hard enough to draw blood. He wished he could laugh at Harry’s words, ridicule him a bit, but — he had always thought along the same lines when he fantasised about their future. It was why he talked about Harry as daddy when he mentioned him to the Little One — because that’s how it was always supposed to be, at least in his head. How strange and endearing and absolutely heartbreaking that Harry had thought the same exact thoughts as him._ _

__“That’s all right. Honestly, I always saw myself as papa, too.“ Louis muttered, and then promptly took a swig from his tea. The tension in the room was palpable._ _

__It was then, too, that it dawned on Louis what exactly he was doing here. Like, honestly, what was he doing here? Talking with Harry about a hypothetical future with a hypothetical baby, when in all actuality this baby was more than real already, basically sitting in the room with them. Absentmindedly, he pulled his shirt lower over his tummy._ _

__“Any other questions?“ He asked then, voice short, because he was desperate to change the topic. He took some more hasty sips from his tea._ _

__Harry bit his lip. “I guess — I was just wondering — why did you quit the band? You said — before your interview you said it wasn't because of me. But I’m just still wondering why you would give it all up? I thought this band was your dream, I thought you loved it all. I don't really understand, you know.“_ _

__Louis’ shoulders sagged. He maybe should've anticipated that question. It had to have been on Harry’s mind for ages. He was right, of course; being in One Direction had been Louis’ dream come true. There was no insignificant reason for which he would just let it all go. But — what was he supposed to say?_ _

__“There is no easy answer to that, I’m afraid,“ he said, almost wishing they hadn't changed the topic after all. He was clueless on how to respond in a sufficient way._ _

__Harry smiled slightly. “Well, I have time. You can give me the difficult answer.“_ _

__“But I can’t. I can’t — I can’t tell you. I don't know how,“ Louis burst out, before slapping his free hand over his face and closing his eyes in defeat. A classic example of ‘How To Be Extra Suspicious’, presented by Louis Tomlinson. He really needed to learn how to bite his tongue. He always ended up making bad situations even worse for himself, for fuck’s sake! His heart rate quickened and he didn't dare to even move._ _

__“You can tell me, Lou. I’m here, I’ll listen to anything you are willing to share and I won’t judge you ever, if you're afraid of that,“ Harry said, after a few seconds of stunned silence on both their sides, his voice laced with bewilderment. His hand petted Louis knee, probably meant as an encouraging gesture, but all it accomplished was that Louis twitched rather violently and his tea spilled all over his shirt and parts of his trousers._ _

__Great, just great!_ _

__“I’m sorry,“ Harry apologised instantly, although it really wasn't his fault._ _

__Louis was shaking now, so he turned and put his mostly empty cup on the side table, then hugged his arms around his knees which he had drawn up to his chest. He was trying to take some deep and calming breaths, but still felt tears burning behind his eyelids. Everything was going good, before, wasn’t it? They were talking, they were honest with each other, everything went rather awesome considering the circumstances. But somehow he was at a point again where he felt overwhelmed and scared and he didn't know what to do or even what to think. He didn't want to move, just stay in his corner of the bed with his eyes pressed shut forever, preferably. And maybe he wanted his mum, a little bit._ _

__“Lou, you're worrying me. Are you all right? Maybe — do you want to borrow some clothes? Your shirt is basically soaked. I don't want you to get sick or anything.“ Harry sounded insecure, obviously not knowing how to proceed while Louis was just sitting there, breathing erratically._ _

__If there was one thing that Louis didn't want, it was to borrow clothes from Harry. He didn’t, couldn't change in front of the other boy. It would expose everything, ruin everything. What he wanted even less, though, was to catch a cold or a fever, and weaken his body in any way, when his baby needed him to be at his best and strongest._ _

__Still, he didn't react for a long time, hoping that he could stop his body from shaking if he just hugged himself tighter, but he felt Harry getting off the bed and he could hear him rummaging through his suitcase. Then, a piece of soft, woollen clothing was stuffed into his balled fists._ _

__“At least take off your shirt and change into the jumper, Lou. I don't want you to end up in hospital again.“ When Louis still didn't attempt to do anything, he felt Harry grab for his arm, gently but insistent. “Lou!“ His voice had grown stricter._ _

__Finally, Louis lifted his head from where he had buried it in his knees and blinked his eyes open. He exhaled, shuddering. Harry was stood in front of him, seeming even taller from where Louis was sitting on the bed. He had to look up, his vision a little blurry, and suddenly he was glad that Harry had taken matters into his own hands, had forced him to face him. Because Louis was pretty sure, then, that if Harry hadn't done that he could've easily had another syncope right then and there, from the sheer emotional stress he was experiencing._ _

__“Take of your shirt, go on,“ Harry continued, voice still strong. And whereas it had shaken Louis from his panicking thoughts before, all it managed to do now was to make the tears spill over. Harry had no idea what he asked of him._ _

__“I can’t“, he whimpered, upset. “I can’t.“_ _

__Harry’s resolute stare softened a bit. “Why not, Lou?“_ _

__Louis shook his head. “You’ll see. You’ll hate me for what I did.“_ _

__“Lou, babe, that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say. Nothing you could do could ever make me hate you.“ And well, wasn't that pretty similar to Louis’ own attitude towards Harry. It was weird, how much alike in their feelings for each other they were, after all. Unexpected._ _

__But still._ _

__“I’m so afraid. I never wanted you to know, because — for so long I thought you didn't care. But now. I don't even know anymore. I just —“_ _

__Harry had lost his stern demeanour all together, then, now only looking serious and concerned. He didn't listen to Louis protests when he, without any difficulties at all, pulled him forward and off the bed, so he had to stand on his own two feet if he didn't want to fall to the ground. Louis was still trembling, the jumper Harry had given him clutched tightly in his hands. Harry’s hands were stabilising his shoulders._ _

__“Just what?“ Harry asked, eyes trustworthy, as he stared inquisitively into Louis’._ _

__“Do you — do you love me? Do you really, truly love me?“ Louis was ashamed of himself. He sounded so desperate, so pathetic and silly. But — if he really was to do this now, was to lift up his shirt and bare his body to Harry — he just had to know. He wanted to hear it, wanted to savour it, for whatever might go wrong later on he wanted to remember this._ _

__“I do, Louis, I love you. I’m so, so in love with you and I will tell you every day for the rest of our lives if that’s what it takes to make you believe me.“ Harry let go of him cautiously and took a seat on the bed, then, effectively reversing their roles from before. If possible, Louis got even more nervous when he felt Harry’s gaze travel all over his face in a helpless search for answers._ _

__“I hope — I really hope —“ He couldn't finish his thoughts, his words a mess of stuttered out syllables. He bit his bottom lip, letting the grey jumper in his hands fall into Harry’s lap._ _

__It was now or never. He hadn't imagined it all to go this way. He hadn't even planned to tell Harry in the first place, but somehow here he was and he couldn't — he couldn't go on with this secret. There wasn't any hope of fixing his relationship with Harry in any way if he wasn't honest, too. There was no use in Harry swearing up and down that his love for Louis was true and everlasting if Louis himself would just destroy everything all over again when sometime, sooner or later, news of his pregnancy would reach Harry. And if not those, then still the fact that there would be a baby in less than five months. Louis’ baby._ _

__He had to think positively. This way, by showing Harry and letting him figure it out all for himself, he at least didn't need to say the words ‘I’m pregnant’ out loud. Everything had its perks, in the end._ _

__And so, although his heart felt like it was beating out of his chest and his hands were clammy with cold sweat, he took hold of the edges of his wet shirt and, in one swift motion, dragged it over his head and let it fall to the ground._ _

__There was silence, then. More silence, not that he expected anything else. Just this time it seemed more oppressive, nearly stifling._ _

__Instead of looking at Harry and trying to interpret his reaction, he let his eyes drop to his tummy. It was protruding over the waistband of his jeans, not as large as a woman’s tummy at 18 and a half weeks, but not far off either. Without clothes it seemed huge already, just because normally he had a decidedly flat stomach, even visible abs. Ultimately, there wasn't any room for speculation or uncertainty: everyone looking at his body like this, without the concealing clothes, had to come to the unambiguous conclusion that he was, without a doubt, pregnant._ _

__There were still tears running down his face when he, after what felt like hours but were probably only a few minutes, dared to raise his head. He looked at Harry apprehensively, but the other boy didn't seem to notice at all. He was staring straight ahead at Louis’ middle, his eyes wide and his jaw hanging slightly open, hands grasping at his curly locks. It would be comical to see him like that, if the whole situation wasn't so serious._ _

__Louis realised it wouldn't do for Harry to gape at his tummy for the rest of the night, so he snatched the jumper that was still lying in Harry’s lap and pulled it over his head. Thankfully, because it was Harry’s, it was big enough to let the bump vanish from sight._ _

__It was then that Harry finally raised his eyes up to meet Louis’ stare. He looked — utterly flabbergasted, for one. But there were about a hundred emotions more, all clouding his face and making it impossible for Louis to decipher how he actually felt about anything in that very moment._ _

__“You’re pregnant?“ Is what the boy croaked out, eventually, and Louis was rather grateful that the silence was broken, even if the question was a bit nonsensical._ _

__“Yes,“ he replied nonetheless, nodding his head once, twice jerkily. His right hand wandered to his bump and he softly let his fingers caress over the fabric of Harry’s jumper, feeling his hardened skin underneath._ _

__Harry watched his movements with hawk eyes and then, as if his worst fears had been confirmed, buried his head in his open palms._ _

__Louis began to think that, maybe, he made a mistake. Harry obviously couldn't handle this at all, couldn't even really bear look at him. He shouldn't have taken off his shirt, he should have told Harry beforehand. This way it might have been easier for him, but seemingly not for Harry._ _

__“I think I’ll go now,“ is what Louis therefore said, suddenly finding it impossible to stay and watch Harry silently freak out. His knees were shaking as he bend down to pluck his shirt from the ground. He hadn't brought anything else to the room, left his backpack in the car, so he just swallowed hard as he threw another glance at a deadly still Harry. No reaction. Even though he wanted out of this room as fast as possible, it still took a lot of effort to actually turn and walk away._ _

__He was so stupid! What did he expect? He should have known that Harry wouldn't be overjoyed with this news. But — somehow, he really thought he would be. Louis felt naive as he headed towards the room door, his grip white-knuckled around the shirt in his hand. His heart was bleeding inside his ribcage, growing more and more painful with every single beat._ _

__He was so annoyed with himself. But he was annoyed with Harry, too. This hadn't been easy for him and — and Harry told him he would love him, would love him anyway, wouldn't judge him for anything, but — doing nothing at all, saying nothing at all apart from ‘You’re pregnant?’ and hiding his head in obvious despair wasn't really the kind of reaction that supported those words._ _

__God damn it!_ _

__“Louis! Wait, please!“ Harry’s voice was husky and deep as he called out for him._ _

__Louis faltered in his steps, stood rooted to the spot, unsure on how to proceed. He really wished that he and Harry could have some kind of conversation, but also — he was so afraid of getting hurt further. Fuck, he wished he could stop trembling, but his whole body appeared to be vibrating with fear and uncertainty._ _

__There was a hand, suddenly, gripping his shoulder softly and turning him around. And then Harry had his arms around him, almost lifting Louis off his feet as he pulled him close. And even though that kind of proximity wasn't really something Louis was comfortable with as of yet, after everything that had happened, he couldn't help but allow himself to release his long suppressed sobs into Harry’s shoulder and hold on tight._ _

__He missed this so much, being close to Harry, smelling him, feeling him, hearing him. Harry was everything, everything, everything to him and somehow even now he made Louis feel safe with a single, loving touch._ _

__“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t leave. Don’t leave right now, I’m sorry. Just — this news. I never anticipated anything like this. But here you are — here you are pregnant with my — with my baby. With our baby.“ He sounded astonished, in awe, but so nonplussed, too._ _

__And honestly, Louis was so, so relieved that Harry hadn't asked. That he hadn't asked: ‘Is it mine?‘ or ‘Who’s the father?’, because Louis was sure it would have killed him inside. Harry trusting him so wholeheartedly, it meant the world to Louis._ _

__“I guess I am,“ he said, voice choked with tears. His fingers clawed at the back of Harry’s button down._ _

__“I — I don't even know how — what — just, please, sit down, yeah? Let’s talk, please. Do you want another tea?“_ _

__And even though somehow it was tea that led to this whole secret-uncovering mess in the first place, Louis couldn't help but nod. “But please, no Yorkshire. Too much caffeine isn’t good for — the baby,“ he added lowly._ _

__They let go of each other, even though Harry seemed just as unwilling about it as Louis felt. While Louis took a seat on the bed once more, Harry distractedly filled up the kettle and, while the water boiled, prepared their two cups once again. Louis noticed how he used some chamomile tea bags this time round._ _

__“The cup of Yorkshire from earlier — that wasn't any harm to the baby, was it?“ Harry sounded nervous as he poured the water into the mugs half a minute later._ _

__“No, that was okay. I didn't drink most of it anyway,“ Louis replied. His voice was a little weak now, from all the crying and sobbing, tears not entirely dried up and still wetting his cheeks._ _

__Harry slowly took a seat next to Louis on the bed, now way closer to him then previously, so that their knees were almost touching. He looked wrecked, somehow, betrayed, too, and there was a shimmer to his eyes that alluded to absolute overwhelming. He handed Louis his fresh mug of tea and sipped at his own, although it must be way too hot to consume._ _

__“I still can’t — Louis — how?“ Those were the words he uttered eventually, voice sounding hollow. He truly seemed kind of out of it._ _

__“What kind of question is that?“ Louis asked humourlessly._ _

__“I just don't understand — you said — those pills? Did you stop taking them on purpose? Did you — did you want to have a baby?“ Harry questioned rapidly, and Louis knew there were a hundred more questions on the boy’s mind._ _

__It made him realised what kind of situation he had brought upon himself. It was after 12 o’ clock already, and Louis got more and more tired by the second — the crying and now also the confession of his condition weighing his mind down like lead. But answering every single one of Harry’s questions — that would take hours._ _

__Nonetheless, he sighed and attempted an easy and uncomplicated response. “No, I didn't ever stop taking them. I — I never wanted to be pregnant before I actually got pregnant, Harry, it was never my intention. Just, to make it quick, those stupid contraception pills stopped working for me, because apparently as a guy you have to change your prescription after a maximum of seven years and I didn’t, because I didn't know. After that first OB/GYN visit when I was fifteen I never went again, thinking that the problem was sufficiently dealt with. Well, but since I had taken this brand of contraception for eight years already, it just stopped working for me. And that’s all.“ He shrugged._ _

__Harry seemed to contemplate this answer for a bit and, after he seemed okay with it, posed another question. “But when you — when you realised you were pregnant, what happened then?“_ _

__Louis took a sip of tea, actually nervous to be honest about this part of the story, but deciding if he was going to do this, he was going to do it right. “Well, first of, finding out — that was a rather big shock, not going to lie. It was back in the US, I don't know if you remember. I fainted in the tour bus, I’m still not sure how I got to the clinic, but there Dr. Dearing — she told me that I was pregnant and —“ He paused for a second, gathering the strength to tell Harry the truth. “And I begged her to make it go away, to do whatever it takes, just to end it there and then.“_ _

__When he raised his eyes from his steaming mug, Harry looked absolutely destroyed._ _

__“Of course, she refused to do anything at that moment, deeming me far to upset and out of it to make an informed decision. The thing was — was that even back in England, I still wanted it out of me. It made me sick, thinking of having this baby. I never wanted to be pregnant in the first place and I wanted to be even less pregnant knowing that our relationship was basically non-existent, at its end. I went to my mum’s straight away and told her everything and — well, obviously she wasn't really happy to hear that I wanted to abort my — my baby, but she didn't judge me for it. I was really distraught back then. I searched for a new OB/GYN, since I needed one either way for a termination. It wasn't easy for me — thinking about killing my baby, our baby. But you — I was so heartbroken, the disaster that was our relationship left me weak and unhappy and at my wits end and I couldn't — I couldn't even think about having this baby. It was terrible.“ Louis blinked hastily. Just thinking about this time, which in all actuality was only a little over two months back, made tears burn in his eyes. It felt like an other life, somehow._ _

__“And what — what changed your mind?“ Harry asked, voice clogged with sorrow. He had his hands balled to fists atop his crossed legs, but Louis couldn't tell if it was out of anger or despair._ _

__“Not one particular thing or situation, if that’s what you're suspecting. I just — I spend ages thinking about everything and I — I couldn’t. I couldn't do it. However dire the situation seemed, I couldn't actually go on and kill the innocent life inside of me, the life you and me created. But I also knew I wouldn't — I wouldn't want anyone to know, least of all you.“ Harry made a chocking noise at that and Louis honestly couldn't blame him for it. “So, I decided to go through with it, with the pregnancy, but would quit the band and cut all ties to — well, to all of you, a clean cut. I wanted to have this baby, but I didn't want any publicity on me any longer, didn't want to be followed by paparazzi, didn't ever want to read some shit about this baby in the papers, didn't want to be ‘Louis Tomlinson of One Direction, the Flamboyant Gay Guy Who Got Preggers’, and — I also didn't want to be the boy you knocked up and felt you were responsible for. I wanted to do it, but on my own, in the privacy of a house I could call my home, somewhere I could feel safe, somewhere I could build a life for the baby and myself.“ He took some gulps of his tea. “And after that, it was simple. I would choose this baby over the band all over again, honestly. Of course, it hurt, too. As you said before, One Direction is my dream. The last few years, they've been the best of my entire life. But now — now the baby is here and once I realised how much I loved the little thing already everything was set in perspective, everything was clear.“_ _

__Harry, when he noticed Louis had finished, nodded, but he didn't really seem to be present anymore. His eyes were red and wild, his curls a bloody mess on his head, his button down rumpled on his limp shoulders. He looked so undone, but not in the good way._ _

__“Harry, maybe I should go now, yeah? You look — well, you should sleep a bit, okay? If you want we can, I don't know, meet up again. Sometime, if you want. I’m sorry, I know this isn't — this can’t be easy for you.“_ _

__He made to get up off the bed once again, but this time Harry was quicker to hold him back, half-plunging over the bed to catch him. He took the half-empty mug out of Louis’ hand and placed it on the nearest surface, then circled his wrists with his large hands. His eyes, brimming with emotion, met Louis’ straight on._ _

__“Please don't leave. If you go now I know — I just know I won’t get to see you again, not soon enough. And I have so many questions and so many — I want to — I don't even know. But please stay, sleep here in the bed. I can leave the room to you, I can — I don't know, I sleep in the tour bus, I don't care. Just don't go now. The way to Donny is long, too, and it’s late, and I want you to be safe, I want both — both of you safe. Please.“_ _

__Louis bit his bottom lip in hesitation. Harry had a point, of course. It was fucking late and driving back to Doncaster now wasn't a wise idea, considering how bone-tired he felt. Also, knowing himself well enough, as soon as he would realise what he had said and done this night the next morning he would avoid contact with Harry for at least a week, if not longer. And that wouldn't be fair, would it?_ _

__“I guess — maybe I’ll stay.“ He ran a cold hand through his hair. “But you don't have to sleep in the tour bus. I can just, dunno, pop over to Zayn’s room, yes?“_ _

__Harry shook his head. “You actually can’t. All of the boys have checked out already this morning — they planned on partying the entire night, anyway, and just wanted to drive back to London whenever they felt they had enough.“_ _

__Louis frowned. Well, that was a little shitty. In the end, he sighed in surrender. “I’ll stay here, then. But you’ll stay, too! I — I know that you can’t stand the tour bus.“_ _

__“Well, then I’m going to book another room.“_ _

__Whatever it was that brought Louis to say the next words, he couldn't tell. “Don’t be silly, Harry, honestly. We can share this room, it’s big enough for the two of us. I’ll sleep on the sofa, you’ll take the bed, no harm in that.“_ _

__“I won’t let you take the sofa, are you mad?“ Harry actually looked appalled, his hands, which had held onto Louis’ slim wrist for the whole of this conversation, falling away in his perplexion. “You’re pregnant, you're taking the bed. And that is not open for discussion,“ he added, probably upon seeing Louis opening his mouth in protest._ _

__In the end they made it work. While Harry disappeared into the bathroom, Louis stripped of his jeans and got under the covers. They smelled so much like Harry that it took no time at all for him to drift off, feeling warm and comfortable, but also so fucking exhausted that it wasn't really surprising._ _

__He didn't even stay up long enough to notice Harry reentering the room._ _

__\- - -_ _


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Dear Readers! 
> 
> Once again a new chapter for you. I really hope you'll like it!
> 
> Your comments are always so incredibly nice, they mean so much to me, honestly! I'm really thankful for all the nice words, compliments and encouragements! I always hope I won't disappoint you, so it's nice to have your opinions.
> 
> Anyway, there isn't much else to say, I guess. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter, please!  
> Julia x

Louis awoke to the smell of freshly cooked breakfast and herbal tea, to early sunlight tickling his eyelashes and to the comforting smell of something familiar, something discernibly Harry. He felt cosy and content, cuddled up under the hotel duvet, even if there was a light headache building up behind his forehead, something that he could surely attribute to all the crying and sobbing he did the previous night.

“Morning, Lou,“ Harry’s voice muttered from somewhere across the room, apparently having noticed that Louis was in the beginning stages of waking up. 

Stretching and yawning and finally blinking his eyes open, Louis turned lazily to look at the other boy who was, fully dressed, with styled hair and shaved face, walking towards the foot of the bed, a tray of delicious food in his hands. “Ordered some room service for us, thought you might be hungry,“ he said and put the tray down on an even part of the bed, where the sheets weren't as rumpled as elsewhere. “Also, I need to check out of the room before noon today, so, like, I guess we should leave in an hour at the latest. Sorry to kick you out like that.“

“Don’t worry about it,“ Louis responded, slowly sitting up and pressing a hand against his head. The pain grew with every waking second, but Louis was intent in blinking it away. “Thanks for the food.“ He extended his right arm and grabbed onto one of the mugs, blowing into the steam rising from it, before taking a mindful swig.

“Did you sleep okay?“ Harry asked as he took a seat on the bed as well, opposite Louis, picking a plate with scrambled eggs and buttered toast for himself.

“Yes. This bed is really comfy,“ Louis answered with an appreciative sigh. It wasn't just the bed, but also the knowledge that Harry was close to him once again, that his smell lingered everywhere, that his presence made him feel protected and assured. He wasn't about to admit that, though.

“I’m glad. The sofa was pretty all right, too. Probably a bonus of staying in such luxurious hotels; every single piece of furniture is of the highest standard.“

Louis nodded and then winced, since the movement only made his head hurt more.

“What’s wrong?“ Harry inquired instantly, lowering his fork back onto his plate.

Louis forced a smile. “Just a bit of a headache.“

“Do you want a painkiller? I probably have some in my bag.“ Harry now set his entire breakfast aside and reached for one of his duffles that lay off to the side off the bed. “I have some Advil here.“ He said after a few seconds of rummaging, holding up a small blue box.

“I’m not allowed to take those,“ Louis said quietly, lowering his gaze downwards to where his tummy was still hidden under the white duvet. “They can increase the risk of miscarriage or birth defects; or so my books say.“

“Oh!“ Harry let the box fall back to the ground as if burned by it. “I’m sorry, but I don't have anything else.“

“Don’t worry, Harry, I’m sure it will be gone soon enough.“ Louis sipped on his tea, enjoying how the warmed up his whole body.

“How do you feel besides your headache, then? Do you have, like, morning sickness?“ 

And of course Harry would ask this. It was so typical of him to think about those little things that other people rather not mentioned or didn't even know of. 

“Thankfully not!“ Louis uttered, relief colouring his words. “And now that I’m out of first trimester it’s unlikely that it will start up.“ He actually was so glad that he had, apart from one or two occasions, never had to deal with excessive vomiting in the mornings, afternoons or evenings.

“How far — how far along are you anyway?“ Harry wanted to know, then, his voice a little higher than usual. 

Louis smiled. “Nearly 19 weeks, which means I’m well into the second trimester.“ 

Harry exhaled loudly, raising his eyes. “Wow.“ He seemed to have forgotten all about his breakfast. Instead, Louis found his green stare focused entirely on him now, curious and unsure all the same.

“Yeah, time went by pretty fast,“ Louis said, letting his eyes wander over the well-filled food tray and picking a marmalade toast for himself, biting into it with pleasure and fluttering lids.

“And I’ve missed so much,“ Harry mumbled, fiddling with his fingers and chewing on his lip. 

Louis wasn't even sure he was supposed to hear that. His heart was starting to pound harshly in his chest all the same, though. He swallowed his bite. “Do you — would you want to see a picture? Like, I mean, a sonogram picture?“

Harry’s head snapped up, excitement bright in his eyes. “Really? Yeah, yes, I’d love to!“ 

“Okay.“ Louis set his mug and the half-eaten toast on the nightstand and pushed the duvet away so he could climb out of the bed and pick his jeans from yesterday off the floor. He fished in the back-pockets for his wallet and, after finding it, got back onto the bed, covering himself up quickly once again. He didn't feel at ease with Harry seeing him in just a jumper and some boxer briefs. Firstly, because Harry, after everything, and apart from all that happened in the last 24 hours, hadn't the right of seeing Louis undressed anymore — not like this, not with all those unresolved problems between them and the fact that he kissed other boys just to forget Louis. But also because Louis felt like he had gained quite a bit of weight on parts of his body that he couldn't quite blame on the pregnancy. His thighs seemed so much stouter, his bum so much curvier, and he really didn't like it and felt rather insecure.

“Okay,“ he repeated himself, shaking the annoying thoughts from his mind as he pulled one black-and-white picture from inside of the wallet. “This one is the first. It’s from back in the US. I couldn't bring myself to look at it for weeks, only did it after my second visit to the OB/GYN.“ He smiled dimly at the print in his hands, before giving it to Harry.

There was a silence falling upon them as Harry stared and stared, face pale and eyes wide. Louis didn't know if he was just trying to find a form he should actually look for in the grey mess or if he had found it already, now trying to engrave every bit of into his memory.

“I was seven weeks along then. It’s really just a grey blob, isn't it?“ 

Harry just nodded, distractedly, absentmindedly and Louis wasn't sure he even realised what he had been saying.

“Here is the one from my 10th week scan. It’s kind of amazing how fast it went from nothing to an actual baby-shaped something,“ Louis said then, in the hopes of getting Harry to participate in the conversation again as he handed over the second picture. Just a sound from the other boy would be nice.

But Harry was still silent, staring down at the two print-outs in his large hands, as if he was trying to solve a particularly complicated riddle. 

“There is one more, from just three weeks ago,“ Louis said finally, giving up on getting any reaction. He put the last picture down on the sheets in front of Harry, then let his body fall back into the pillows and reached for his tea and toast, munching away. To his content he found that his headache was flagging, only a dull throb behind his temples left. Must be thanks to the tea.

“I wish I could have been there with you,“ Harry said suddenly, looking up at him, his eyes watery and face soft. His mouth seemed to be captured in between a smile and pout, making him appear rather heartbroken.

Louis felt himself thrown back to his last appointment with Dr. Morgan, to his internal exam, how he wished nothing more than for Harry to be there — holding his hand, kissing his forehead, murmuring encouragements, making him feel safe in such a strange setting. “I know,“ he sighed after a while. “Me too.“

Harry opened his mouth, as if to ask another question, but seemed to change his mind last minute and closed it again, shaking his head slightly. Louis didn't want to pry, not sure if he wanted to know about every single one of Harry’s thoughts anyway. 

“I’m going to — get ready,“ Louis said, when nothing further came from Harry. If they had to leave the hotel room soon, he wanted to at least use the loo and wash his face beforehand. Snatching his trousers off the floor once again, he made his way quickly into the spacious bathroom, closing the door behind him to keep his privacy. It’s something he wouldn't have done four months ago, no matter how strained the situation with him and Harry had been.

The reflection in the mirror staring back at him was really not impressing. He had oily skin and dark shadows beneath his eyes even though he slept so well that night. His lips were chapped, his hair beginning to get greasy. And worst of all: there was no pregnancy glow to make it all even slightly better, or at least bearable. How fucking unfair!

Since he hadn't any clothes to change into, nor a toothbrush, a comb, not anything really, there wasn't much he could do about his overall state. He would ask Harry for some deodorant, at least, since the boy had collected all his stuff from the bathroom already, leaving nothing behind but twee used towels.

When he came back into the main room, the food tray had vanished and all of Harry’s things were packed up and away in his suitcase and bags, which were now all lined up neatly near to the door. The sonogram pictures were clutched tightly in Harry’s hands and he gave them to Louis as soon as he was close enough. 

“Ready to go, then?“ Harry asked, but, as planned, Louis first demanded some deodorant. While Louis arranged the pictures carefully in his wallet once more, Harry offered him an expensive little bottle. An amused smile was lighting up his face and Louis was happy to see that he hadn’t lost the capability to turn his lips upwards, smiling in return and rolling his eyes. Harry had some weird quirks and habits, there was no denying.

They left shortly after, Harry taking all of his bags and refusing any of Louis’ help. He looked a little silly, with a rucksack square on his back, a duffle bag on each shoulder and a suitcase in his left hand, rolling wobbly behind him. Louis only smirked at him gleefully. It was Harry’s own fault, after all. Louis wouldn't have died carrying a rucksack on his back.

Arriving in the hotel’s lobby kicked Louis back into reality just like a bucket of icy water dumped over his head would. 

The hall was crowded with people, business men and trophy wives, preppy little children dressed in everything from Ralph Lauren to Armani and hotel employees, but none of them really spared the both of them a glance. That was good, Louis guessed. What wasn't good, though, was the mass of young girls that had gathered before the glass doors of the main entrance, trying to sneak a peek inside, in the hopes of spotting Harry, who they must know hasn't left the city yet.

Shocked and surprised, Louis recoiled, too afraid that they might instead catch a glimpse of him. Or, a glimpse of him and Harry, in an expensive hotel which the both of them had obviously spent the night at. Louis could already imagine the pages upon pages every god damn gossip magazine and newspaper in the country would print about this, the headlines.

“Harry,“ he whispered, desperate, his eyes never leaving the crowd just outside, clearly visible through the glass front, moving and jumping around. Louis could hear some of their shouting and screaming even through the sound-proof windows and walls of the hotel.

Harry looked up and, apparently only then noticing the fans upon following Louis’ line of view, exclaimed “Shit!“ and took a step back as well, so that he was standing next to Louis behind a big potted plant and some couches that didn't make for a very proper protection from sight at all.

“What are we going to do?“ Louis started off, feeling thoroughly shaken. “My car is parked somewhere out there, but I — but I can’t go out those doors. They will go insane. They will — all the speculations, there will be so many articles. I don't want to be talked about again. I — I know what they're going to say, they will be horrible, they will write all those lies. And — what if — I can’t — what if they see my bump? What if they come to close, if they — if they push and shove. Harry, I can’t —“ He was speaking fast now, his voice getting higher and more hysterical by the second as all the possibilities of what could go wrong, what could happen, entered his mind.

“Shit!“ Harry muttered again, but this time his gaze was fixed on Louis, worried. He let his bags fall to the floor carelessly, his hands coming to rest on Louis’ shoulders, applying steadying pressure. “Look, Lou, first of all: Calm down, please. Nobody has seen us yet and we obviously won’t go out there. We’ll leave through the back or something, I’ll talk to someone of the staff. And I’ll call us a car, ask one or two security guards along, all right? Please don't panic, take a deep breath, I’ll handle it.“

Louis did as Harry said, closing his eyes and trying to keep his breathing under control. It was easier now, too, because he absolutely trusted Harry’s words. Considering their recent past, he maybe shouldn’t; shouldn't rely and count on Harry so blindly, should instead search for a way out for himself. But, the fact remained: Harry had never let him down when Louis had needed him, when Louis had been insecure or frightened or down-right freaking out. Harry had always been there, had always found a solution, had always made it better at the end of the day. 

In this moment it didn't matter that Harry had kissed two boys at the other end of the world, because — because that had been something else entirely. This was another kind of trust. And maybe he couldn't trust Harry with his heart, with his love, not right now and maybe not ever again, but he always, always could trust that Harry would make sure he was well and good, healthy and safe. He could trust that Harry would get Louis and his unborn baby out of this hotel in safety and privacy.

When he blinked his eyes open again, after his momentary internal break-down, Harry was on the phone, but all his attention was still direction on Louis even as he talked rapidly with whoever was on the other end of the line. Seconds later he hung up and tucked his phone away. 

“That was Carl, he’s going to pick us up as soon as possible, and he’ll bring Preston and Alberto along, okay? Now, I’ll just pop over to the reception desk,“ Harry pointed his hand over his shoulder, “ and talk to the manager to organise another way out for us. You’ll just wait here, okay? Everything will be fine.“

Harry waited for his confirming nod before he actually took off and crossed the lobby with large and confident strides, immediately capturing the attention of a perfectly dressed up and styled woman who seemed to be in some kind of charge over the place.

Maybe Louis was overreacting. It’s just that — for over a month he hadn't had to deal with the media in any way, hadn't had to watch out for paparazzi or people with camera phones. For even longer he hadn't faced any fans in person. Now, now it was just overwhelming. The urge to protect his baby and the secret of his pregnancy was suddenly the most important thing, on the forefront of his mind. 

Harry was back just minutes later, two smartly dressed employees hot on his heels. 

“We’ll leave through the staff and delivery entrance, Lou, come on,“ Harry said and, without asking or checking for consent, took Louis’ hand in his. Under other circumstances, Louis would have balked, but now he was just glad for something to hold onto. It calmed his racing heart.

The employees took Harry’s bags and suitcase and then asked for Harry and Louis to follow them through an inconspicuous door just on the opposing side of room. Louis couldn't help but stare over his shoulder all the time walking there, well aware that they were basically right in the field of vision for all the fans closest to the hotel entrance or large glass front windows. However, maybe because of all the other people checking in and out and entering and leaving the lobby, nobody seemed to actually realise that Harry and Louis were among those people, right before their eyes. 

When the door fell shut behind them, Louis exhaled a shuddery breath. Harry tightened the grip on his hand. They were led down three flights of stairs and through a corridor with lots of doors, some of them labelled as ‘Laundry Room’, ‘Staff Lounge’ or ‘Kitchenette’. Turning one more corner, they were stood in front of a heavy-looking metal door.

“There you go, gentlemen,“ one of the hotel employees said while swinging the door open, letting in fresh air and sunlight.

“Thanks so much!“ Louis replied, the smile on his face strained but nonetheless genuine.

Harry nodded beside him. “Yeah, mate, it means a lot. Thanks!“

“It’s no problem. Have a safe trip home,“ the other employee assured, then made room for them to pass through the doorway. Harry’s luggage was placed on the cleanly swept pavement beside them and then the door fell shut behind them.

Louis slowly turned his head to look around. It seemed that they were standing in a closed off part of the courtyard, separated from the space the hotel guests could use. It was probably the only place where the employees could have a quick cigarette in between shifts. Even so, it was well cared for, something which probably was to be expected from such a posh and classy hotel. 

Turning around again, Louis noticed that Harry was typing away on his phone with quick fingers once again. “Just letting Carl know where to collect us. He should be here in 30 minutes or so,“ he mumbled, probably upon sensing Louis’ questioning gaze.

“Good, yeah,“ Louis responded, then sighed and took a seat on the ground. His knees felt a bit like jelly still and he was glad he had that slice of toast before, fearing that otherwise he might have already collapsed.

“You shouldn't sit on the cold floor, Lou, come on. Here, take my suitcase,“ Harry said at once, tipping the large case over and presenting it to Louis.

“Thanks.“

Silence fell over them and all they could hear was the sound of the summer breeze brushing through the tree tops and some birds chirping about. Further away, there was the universally known sound of heavy traffic. 

Louis stretched his legs out in front of him, finding Harry’s suitcase to be quite a bit more comfortable than the paved ground.

“Are you feeling all right, Lou?“ Harry inquired after some time, hands buried in his pockets and eyebrows furrowed.

Louis nodded. “Yes, of course. I shouldn't have made such a fuss in the first place, I don't know what came over me.“ He laughed unsurely, self-deprecatingly. 

“No, that was — I totally understand. You haven't been exposed to the general public in quite some time, it’s normal to get overwhelmed when it comes out of the blue like just now.“

“It’s dumb,“ Louis protested, feeling somewhat angry with himself. “I have been confronted with all of that constantly for the last five years of my life. I guess it’s just that I felt like after a month of me being out of the spotlight it — doesn't exist anymore, not anywhere around me at least. That was just plain stupid, obviously, because you and the boys, you’ll still be media relevant even when I’m long forgotten and as long as I’m close to you I’ll always have the risk of being — of being seen and photographed, of being written about, of being found out. And nothing — like, nothing I can do will prevent the news about the baby from becoming public knowledge, will it? This baby is — is your baby, too, and you will remain a public person and —“ Louis bit his lip. Resignation entered his voice. “I just wanted to keep the Little One safe.“

Harry looked torn about Louis’ words. “But — you kept the baby safe, Louis. Your instant reaction was to make sure to find another way out, because else the baby could've gotten in harms way. It’s admirable, you know.“ Louis shook his head at that. It really wasn't admirable — it was just the least he could do. Rubbing a hand over his eyes, Harry continued. “And also, I’m sorry.“ 

“Stop apologising for things you have no control over,“ Louis told him with a frown. “Anyway, it’s just — nothing is like I wanted it to be, like I planned for it to be. And getting thrown back into real life like that was a shock to the system, I guess. I wanted to leave all this stress and pressure behind.“

“Is there anything I can do?“ Harry asked, leaning his back against the hotel wall. His eyes were locked on Louis.

“I don't think so, Harry. It’s just me. I’ll have to get used to the fact that sooner or later the whole nation will know that I’m knocked up. And if not that, then they will at least realise that I’ve a baby when the Little One is born. There is no way to avoid all this, I don't think.“ Louis cleared his throat, this time fixing Harry with a concerned stare. “You, on the other hand side. How are you feeling? I mean — like, if you want to be in the baby’s life, if you want to be the daddy, I guess you'll — you'll have to come out of the closet, too, won’t you? And I — I don’t say this because I want to put any kind of pressure on you or something, because I don’t, but —“ Louis stopped abruptly. Then, with a wavering voice, he began again. “I haven't even asked you if you want to be in the baby’s life, have I?“ A chocked, soundless chuckle escaped his dry throat. “I’m sorry. Obviously that — that decision, that is yours to make. You are not obligated, after all, you never — you never agreed to me carrying the baby to term. It’s my fault in the first place, that I’m pregnant now. It was my job to take those pills, to make sure they work. I’m sorry, again. I don't — I didn't tell you about the pregnancy to make you stay with me, I swear. I don't — I don't expect anything of you if you're not ready for any of that yet.“

Harry’s face crumbled and in a matter of seconds he was on his knees before Louis, clasping both his hands in one of his large one’s, his eyes wide and earnest and focused on Louis. “Louis, Lou, I — there is literally nothing in the world, nothing, that would make me happier than being in our baby’s life, being the daddy, okay? You, you and the baby, you are the most important people to me, nothing and nobody compares to you. I would come out of a hundred closets if that’s what it would take to be close to you, to stand by you, to be with you, in whatever way. Please don't ever think anything else.“ He took a shaky breath and Louis mimicked him, unconsciously. “The song I wrote for you, the lyrics — I meant every bit of them. I would, I would give up everything if you asked me to. I would do whatever you wanted, whatever needed to be done, Lou. I know that — things between us, they are not fixed in the slightest and might never be, however much I want them to be, but — all that doesn't change the fact that I want to be with you every step of the way from now on, for our baby. I want to be there for you, want to help you, want to hold your hand. I want to try and make you feel better when you feel sick and stressed out, I want to cook you dinner when you feel too exhausted to do it yourself. I want to accompany you to every single doctor’s appointment, I want to choose the perfect name for our baby with you, I want to be the one you call when you’re in labour and need someone by your side, to hold your hand and give you all the strength. I want to be with you when we first meet our son or our daughter. And then, I want to be with the both of you from there on out, every single day, for the — for the rest of my life.“

Louis couldn't help the tears that flooded his eyes and streamed down his face and he didn't even care. How could anyone expect Louis to hold his composure, to not break down and cry, when Harry said those words, those words wrapped together into such cheesy and heartfelt and completely wonderful sentences? Thing is, hearing Harry say all this and knowing he meant every bit with absolute honesty made Louis feel the most alive he had in the longest time. It made him feel wanted and needed and loved and cherished. 

And yeah, of course the fact remained that Harry had kissed two strange boys, something Louis will probably never be able to forget, but weirdly enough Louis now felt like there was an actual chance for them, as a couple, to work through all this. He saw himself able to regard those kisses as mistakes, as slip-ups, in the near future. Maybe he couldn't ever forget, but he could damn well try to forgive, because sitting here right now, with Harry in front of him, clutching his hands and looking at him so lovingly, so adoringly, so trustworthy, saying all this — it made Louis realise that somewhere down the line there was a second chance for them, waiting to be taken up.

He couldn't right now, not under the circumstances, not after all the emotional stress the both of them had been through in the last 24 hours, but later, after some time apart, some time to clear their heads and consult their hearts, maybe they could actually talk about them — them as a couple. Maybe they could actually find a way.

The thought alone let warmth bloom all throughout Louis’ body, made his heart skip in happy expectation, turned his lips to form a tentative, hopeful smile. 

“Thank you, Harry,“ Louis mumbled, finally, after the tranquility left behind by Harry’s words has passed and everything didn't feel quite so fragile. “It means a lot, that you — that you want all this. And with me, too.“

Harry nodded his head frantically. “Yeah, of course, of course, Louis! To ever think I wouldn't want all this with you was the most idiotic thing I’ve ever come up with. I — I love you so much and I —“ His gaze dropped to Louis stomach, the bump still concealed by Harry’s jumper. “And I love the baby, too. Already. Even if I only just learned about them, even if I can’t really believe it yet, but I — I love them.“ He reached out with his right hand, the hand that wasn't holding onto both of Louis’, as if to touch Louis tummy. He seemed to change his mind last second, an uncertain expression darkening his features.

“You can — you can touch, if you want to,“ Louis whispered, almost immediately, suddenly craving nothing more than the feeling of Harry’s warm hand stroking the part of Louis where their child is resting, growing, getting ready to meet them. 

Harry didn't need to be told twice. His fingers, gentle as anything, made contact with Louis skin, only separated by the piece of smooth clothing. He ran his fingertips in a slow circle, as if to capture, to relearn every part of Louis’ body that had changed in shape and form. The look in his eyes was wondrous, amazed, absolutely awed. 

Louis couldn't help but think that Harry looked like the happiest person just then.

“Have you felt kicks already?“ Harry asked, but he didn't meet Louis’ eyes, too focused on the baby bump still. 

“No,“ Louis said, voice quiet and croaky. “It should happen any day now, though. I’m really excited for it.“

“I can imagine,“ Harry agreed, equally as quiet.

The moment felt precious.

\- - -

The black SUV, driven by Carl, arrived about 20 minutes later. Louis was quick to get off the suitcase and straighten up his clothing, wanting nothing but to get into the car and away from the hotel. The interior was all black leather and extremely tinted windows and Louis felt reminded of the thousands of times he had driven in such cars with his boys, to one interview or another interview, sometimes to the Red Carpet, too. How often had he kissed Harry behind these windows, so close to revealing their secret but safe after all? 

Harry, after he had stowed his luggage in the boot of the car with the help of Alberto, followed him into the car. Preston was sitting next to Carl in the front, greeting Louis in his usual grouchy manner, but with an affectionate gleam in his eyes, just like Alberto had before.

“Where to now, boys?“ Carl asked when Alberto had gotten back inside the front as well.

“Do you reckon there is any way I can get to my car? It’s basically parked right across the street from the hotel entrance.“ In retrospect, that hadn't been a clever move to begin with, Louis thought.

“Well, there are still about a hundred or two hundred girls out front, so it wouldn't be easy to get to it, but Preston and I could, of course, push our way through with you,“ Alberto said, point-blank, his black shirt stretching over his bulging biceps.

“Now way!“ Harry interrupted him, upset. Louis shot him a warning look. “I mean, it’s just not safe. They will go crazy when they see Louis, since it would be the first time since the interview. There is no way to say how they’ll react, like, I’m sure they wouldn't harm him on purpose, but really, that’s just too messy. I won’t allow it.“

Louis opened his mouth, ready to defend his honour. So, it’s not like he wanted to fight his way through a crowd of fangirls, even with two bodyguards by his side, but Harry needed to take a step back on his Alpha male behaviour. He wasn't in the position to allow or forbid Louis anything. In the end, he let it go, though. There was no use in starting a mindless discussion about it now.

“How about—“ Carl began then, since nobody else made an attempt to say anything. “I’ll go and get the car and drive it to wherever Louis would like to have it. Nobody will recognise me, so no problems there, yeah? Meanwhile, one of you two,“ he was pointing at Alberto and Preston with his index and middle finger extended, “takes Harry’s car, the other can drive the SUV to wherever it’s supposed to go. Sounds good?“

“Sounds great,“ Louis approved instantly, already going through his pockets to fetch his keys. He described his car and number plate and asked for it to be brought to Donny. A moment later Carl was gone, Preston moving up to take his place at the steering wheel. 

“Thanks a lot for this, guys,“ Harry said as he handed Alberto his own keys, telling him the location of his car and asking for it to be brought to Doncaster as well, since Louis had to go there anyway and they might as well all just meet up in the same place so that Carl, Preston and Alberto had a chance to get back home together, too.

Preston turned on the ignition as soon as the door fell shut behind Alberto, making his way onto the street and focusing on the traffic resolutely, not even trying to ask for details on how this whole situation came to be or to initiate any kind of conversation. It was a good thing that all of their crew members were such professionals, but also friends when one needed them to be. In any case, none of them have ever betrayed their trust in any way and that was worth a fucking lot.

Harry threw Louis a glance. “Okay now?“ 

“Been okay the whole time,“ Louis responded, grinning slightly and swiping his greasy fringe from his forehead.

Harry returned a wide smile. “I’m glad.“

“I’m glad I came to you, last night. And I’m glad you know now,“ Louis mumbled, his eyes not leaving Harry’s face. He really was exceptionally handsome, his curls framing his cheeks and jaw, contrasting in a fascinating way with their sharpness. 

Harry’s throat bobbed as he swallowed. “Not as glad as I am. When I first — when you showed me and I understood, for a second I felt so betrayed that you hadn't confided in me earlier but then I —“ He shook his head, looking incredulous at the notion in hindsight. “Then I really realised how bloody lucky I was that you did show me, tell me, at all. I’m so grateful, Lou, that you gave me this chance. I know it must have been so hard for you. But — I really, really appreciate your honesty, especially after — well, after how I treated you and what I did and, you know. Just — thank you!“

Louis fumbled with the hem of the sweater, dodging Harry’s stare. “It was the right thing to do. And it wasn't easy at all, you’re right there. But now, it feels like a fucking weight off my shoulders.“ He shrugged, as if to emphasise his point.

They were nearly out of the city by then and as the car rolled soundlessly along the motorway with the radio playing Top 40 hits, silence settled over them and Louis let his head slide along the leather seats, trying to find a comfortable position so he could rest his eyes for half an hour or so.

\- - - 

A hand was stroking over his arm repeatedly and ultimately made him want to blink open his eyes. Louis couldn't tell how much time had passed, but since they were parked in his mum’s driveway, he guessed it must have been about an hour. 

As he turned his head, Harry’s face came into view. The boy looked as if he had taken a short nap himself, hair a little messy atop his head and shirt rumpled, but his smile was fresh and bright as ever.

Louis stretched and sniffled, feeling slightly tense in his back muscles from his, no-doubt, terrible sleeping position. He opened the door, getting out into the fresh air and walking some steps along the front yard. He felt Harry do the same behind him just when the front door flew open and Louis’ mum, dressed in a fluttering summer dress with a big flower-print, walked out. 

“Darling, there you are!“ She exclaimed, throwing her tea towel over her shoulder and drying her hands on her dress. She had been busy cleaning the dishes from lunch, by the looks of it. “I was beginning to get worried.“ 

Louis smiled as he walked towards her, kissing her cheek and giving her a warm hug. “All is fine, mum. You know, I am actually old enough to take care of myself, even if you can’t accept that yet.“

“Oh, be quiet, you,“ she shushed him, a pretend-exasperated look on her features. Then, she let her eyes wander. “I see you brought company.“

Louis couldn't decipher the tone of her voice as she uttered the last words, loud enough for Harry to hear as well from where he stood some steps behind Louis. Honestly, Louis never could have seen his mum encountering Harry with anything but open arms and genuine smiles, but that was before, wasn't it? Now, she knew all to well how Louis had suffered in the last months, how Harry had made him feel, how he had behaved, how he had wronged Louis. Still, Louis would feel more than uncomfortable if his mum would attempt to fight his fights for him (even if weeks before that was all he had wished for her to do). 

“Hello, Jay,“ Harry spoke up then, instead of Louis, who felt frozen to the spot and unsure on how to act. Harry’s voice sounded strained. “It’s nice to see you again. We missed each other last night, I guess.“

Jay scrutinised the boy for some excruciatingly drawn out seconds, her lips pressed into a hard line, before her tense posture resolved. A small smile turned up the corners of her mouth and made her eyes crinkle. “Oh, come here, Harry dear, give me a hug. It’s good to see you, too.“

Harry didn't hesitate, walking past Louis and straight into Jay’s open arms with a happy little smile of his own. Louis’ mum whispered something into Harry’s ear that Louis couldn't make out, but since Harry neither started in fear nor bolted Louis figured it couldn't be something entirely terrible. He sighed in relief. He really wouldn't have known how to behave if he had to have justified his renewed trust in Harry to his mum right now. It was hard enough to justify in front of his own consciousness, after all.

“Well, boys, come on in, yeah? I’ll heat up some of the leftovers from lunch and we can have a cuppa,“ Louis’ mum said then, ushering them both inside the house.

“One moment,“ Harry asked, though, holding up his hand and turning on the spot to jog back to the SUV. Carl had turned up with Louis’ Range Rover just then and it would surely only take minutes for Alberto to arrive with Harry’s car as well. Harry leaned in when Preston rolled down the window, they exchanged some quick words and a handshake, then Harry was back with them. As they were following Louis’ mum into the house, Harry explained: “Just told them they could leave whenever and to just park our cars wherever. Thanked them again for coming to get us.“ Louis nodded in understanding.

They settled around the kitchen table where Louis’ mum presented them with large portions of lasagna, then began to boiled the water and prepared some mugs as Harry and Louis dug in. 

“Tastes fabulous, Jay,“ Harry compliments after clearing half his plate in a matter of minutes. 

“Oh my god, stop it, you suck-up!“ Louis groaned, but his mum seemed sufficiently pleased. Well, if a compliment about her food was all it took to win her over …

\- - -

Time went by fast after that. They had their tea in the living room, Harry and Louis actually sharing a sofa and even though there was no physical contact Louis felt closer to him than in months. They began talking about the baby not soon after, Jay quickly realising that Harry finally had been informed about that particular secret. She was obviously pleased about it. 

Louis couldn't help but roll his eyes a million times, really, when his mum and Harry got all into it, talking about all kinds of pregnancy stuff Louis hadn't ever heard before and also didn't exactly enjoy hearing about — even less so when it was his mum and his maybe-still-or-maybe-not-boyfriend discussing them. 

Altogether, it was more than okay though. Louis sipped his tea with a content smile on his lips, while listening to every word Harry was uttering, voice deep and smooth as ever, face calm and joyful.

Since Louis didn't really feel like having serious conversations with Harry in front of his mum there wasn't a lot of that, but he soon found he didn't mind all that much. Maybe it was even better this way, just a bit of casual conversation and general catching up, as that was something that they had to relearn, too, hadn't they? Because, honestly, when was the last time that him and Harry had had a mindless conversation just for the sake of exchanging some gossip or stupid knock-knock jokes? Louis couldn't say.

Around five o’ clock Harry announced that he really should leave, since he was expected in Holmes Chapel for dinner, his mum, Robin and Gemma all expecting him to be there. Louis was glad his mum left him and Harry to say their goodbyes in private.

“So,“ Louis said at the door, chewing around on his bottom lip.

“So,“ Harry repeated, mockingly, slipping into his worn-down boots.

Louis stuck his tongue out at him like the five-year old he was, clasping his hands behind his back.

“Today way nice,“ Harry said after a beat, apparently picking up on the fact that Louis wasn't actually going to start the conversation. “I had lots of fun. It was — it was so good to spend some time with you. Like this.“

“Under the watchful eyes of my mum, you mean,“ Louis responded, not able to focus his eyes on Harry, staring at his feet instead. 

“Well, yeah, but that was okay, too. Had to persuade her to let me see you again, hadn't I?“

Louis smirked, now crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Don’t you think for that you have to persuade me?“

“That, too, of course. But to persuade you I’d do something more impressive than an afternoon of tea and biscuits in your living room,“ Harry answered, voice soft.

“Oh, and what would you do?“ Louis wanted to know, trying for a sober tone, which he wasn't quite sure he managed. His guts were tingling.

“To persuade you, um, that’s actually not that quite easy,“ Harry admitted, scratching his jaw broodily. There was a smile on his lips, though, that destroyed his pretence of thinking hard and carefully. “No, I know! I would ask you out on a date, and then, pick you up at home with flowers and take you to dinner at your favourite restaurant. Afterwards, maybe a walk along the river or a visit to the movies, whatever the situation calls for. I would make sure you had the best night,“ Harry said, voice gravelly and eyes intense.

Louis heart skipped a beat, his hands getting clammy where they are holding onto his (Harry’s) jumper. Why did he react like this? First of all, this was only a ‘What If’ situation, Harry wasn't actually asking him out. And even if he were, it wouldn't be anything groundbreaking and new. They had done this — dinner, movies, ice-cream or a walk through the park — thousand of times before. Louis shouldn't feel like a 14 year old boy all over again. But — he couldn't help it.

“That sounds rather lovely,“ he muttered in return, sounding too squeaky for his own taste and cringing inwardly because of it.

“Yeah? Would you be interested? Say, Thursday evening, I’ll pick you up right here at six?“ Harry’s cheeks were tinted pink, his eyes so full of hope. 

And Louis — Louis nodded. Hesitantly, indeed, but agreeing nonetheless. “I think I would be, yes.“ 

“Really? Wow, Louis, I’m — I’ll make it worth your time, I promise.“ Harry stuttered out, appearing a bit overwhelmed by the turn of events. Yesterday around this time, Louis recalled, the boy had been hiding in the dressing room, away from him, and now here they were. Louis would lie if he said he wasn't surprised as well.

“I know you will, Harry,“ Louis said, opening the door to the summer evening. They had dawdled away quite some time in the hallway, now, and Harry still had a bit of a drive ahead of him. “You should leave now, I guess, if you want to make it in time for dinner.“

Harry blinked, as if awaking from a particularly enticing dream, and glanced at his wristwatch. “Fuck, you're right. I’ll see you Thursday, Lou, okay? Call me if — like, whenever, for whatever reason, yeah?“

“Will do, Harry! Drive say, okay?“ Louis smiled up at him as Harry passed by him through the door, their difference in seize more prominent when they stood so close together. 

“I will. Bye, Lou!“ And at that, Harry leaned down. For an alarming second Louis thought he was going to kiss him, and Louis wouldn't have known what to do in that case, but all Harry did was peck his forehead. His fingertips traced over Louis’ cheek for a split second. “And bye bye to you, too, baby!“ Harry mumbled then, his eyes lingering on Louis’ tummy before he finally stepped over the threshold.

“See you, Harry,“ Louis said, his heart beating in his throat and his cheeks undoubtedly bright red. 

The smile on his face didn't vanish though, not when he closed the door behind Harry and not when he went to bed, hours later.

\- - -


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends!
> 
> I'm so incredibly sorry for the long wait - Uni was stressing me out and then I lacked the inspiration to write and it basically all sucked. I hope this chapter won't, though. 
> 
> There isn't much to say and I don't want to waste your time, so: Merry Christmas to all of you and your loved ones, I hope you have some nice, enjoyable days!
> 
> (I'm so glad Louis is finally back in England with his family, god!)
> 
> So, for now, please have fun reading!  
> Julia x

It suffices to say that Louis was a proper nervous wreck the half of a week that lead up to his planned date with Harry. Because for all intents and purposes this was a date. And, well, he was happy about that, there was no denying. He was excited and positively annoying everyone around with his energetic cheerfulness. But — he was just also so incredibly unsure and worried. He couldn't at all predict how Thursday night would end, but he damn well hoped it wouldn't result in a total disaster. With all the stuff still lingering between him ind Harry there was certainly potential for that …

He just — he really wanted to have another chance with Harry, he wanted a second go. He wanted everything to be good and nice again. He wanted a perfectly content, loving family for his, for their, baby, but not only that. He also wanted all this for himself! He wanted Harry as his boyfriend, as his fiancé, as his husband. He wanted him forever by his side, wanted to grow old with him, because Louis was selfish like that. He never, ever wanted anyone else and — well, those kind of thoughts sure put the pressure on. He was looking way to far ahead, he knew that. How could he even begin to imagine Harry as his husband when they hadn't even had their second attempt at a first date yet?

Also, there were still other things nagging him, keeping him up at night with a throbbing heart and balled fists. Like, Harry kissing those two boys. As much as he wanted to, that wasn't a thing he could just simply leave behind and forget about. Harry had broken his trust and no matter how shitty their relationship had been at that point in time they had still considered each other as boyfriends, and therefore Harry had cheated on him, as harsh as those words sounded in Louis’ head.

The thing is, Louis still could hardly believe it all to be true. Harry just — Harry wasn't the kind of boy to betray someone’s trust like that, honestly. It seemed almost unnatural to think of him that way. It seemed weird to picture him going to a club and deliberately searching for boys to make out with and possibly take home.

But that thought was heartening as well, in a strange way. Because even though Harry had betrayed him and had broken his heart in the process, Louis felt so sure that it was a one-time-occurrence. He was so sure that Harry wouldn't cheat again. And that made the whole situation slightly more bearable. 

\- - - 

“This looks so great, Lou, honestly,“ Zayn complimented with a bright smile on his lips as he slowly made his way around the finished nursery in Louis’ new house. The craftsmen had finished putting together the last pieces of furniture two days ago and ever since Louis had been busy decorating the room to perfection. He chose light yellow and beige details to complement the dark green walls and white wood, and ordered picture frames and a nice rug online. For all the other things, like baby clothes, newborn toys, and essentials like nappies, care products and food, he wanted to do actual shopping. He wanted to try out and feel around, wanted to ask for opinions, wanted to make informed decisions. He just wanted the best for his Little One and he was happy that he was actually in a position where he could afford it all. 

Zayn had arrived this morning after spending the first days after the beginning of One Directions’ break in Bradford with his family. Louis had called him early the day after he agreed to go on the date with Harry, subtly freaking out over the phone, which prompted Zayn to promise to come over as soon as possible. 

“Thank you,“ he said now, sharing Zayn’s smile, and ran his fingers absentmindedly along the edge of the cot. He told the craftsmen to place it near the window, because he felt that was where it belonged. “I’m so happy about it. And I’m really excited to go shopping for everything else and make it really all ready for the Little One, but — I don't know, I don't want people to see me or to take pictures. I don't want any questions coming my way, all that stuff.“ He sighed. 

“Well, you should go sometime soon, in my opinion. Before you really start showing. We could go together if you like? It would take a bit of the attention of you, maybe. Or make it all even more suspicious, I’m not sure.“ Zayn shrugged, standing in front of the window and looking down into the garden. 

“Can’t ever really predict how the media will portray it all in the end, can you?“ Louis asked, playing with his bottom lip. “I would like it if you came with me, though.“

Zayn nodded, turning to face him again. They both made to exit the room, since Louis wanted to show Zayn around the rest of the house, too. “How about next week? After your date with Harry? I’m sure you won’t be in the right state of mind beforehand and we probably shouldn't go on Friday or Saturday when everyone will be out and about.“ 

They entered the master bedroom next, just across the hall from the nursery, and while Zayn circled the room, taking in the changes since the last time he visited, Louis leaned against the door frame. “Sounds good to me,“ he agreed, mentally making a note of it. He knew he had to visit his OB/GYN again next week, as well, for his 20 week appointment. “I’ll probably find out about the gender next week, you know?“ He added then, suddenly remembering.

Zayn’s head shot up from where he was inspecting Louis’ new mattress by leisurely resting on it. His eyes shimmered with excitement. “Are you for real? How amazing!“

Louis grinned. “It is, yeah. Although — I’m not actually sure I want to know. Like, a surprise would be cool, too?“ 

Zayn frowned upon his words, climbing from the bed and straightening out the blanket. “Well, it’s your choice of course. But I personally wouldn't be able to wait.“ He shot Louis a look, as if to say: ’patience isn't exactly your forte, either’. “But anyway, do you have any inkling on the gender? Like, I’ve heard that pregnant people have some kind of instinct that makes them guess almost always right.“

Louis had heard that, too. But he hadn't given the gender of the baby that much thought as of now, if he were to be completely honest. It didn't matter to him anyway, because he would be happy with both a girl or a boy, as long as they were healthy. “Never really tried to listen inside and find out about those instincts of mine, really,“ he therefore said.

“Only you, Lou,“ Zayn replied, chuckling. “I’m pretty sure Liam and Niall have made bets already and you haven't even considered the gender of your Little One.“

Shaking his head with mirth, Louis ushered Zayn out of the bedroom. “Don’t pretend with me, Zayn Malik. I know it was you that initiated a bet like this, should it actually exist.“

“Obviously!“ Zayn agreed readily, sticking his tongue out at Louis like the loser he was as they went down the stairs. “But I won’t tell you my prediction yet. What’s with your bedroom, by the way?“ He asked.

Louis raised a single eyebrow. “What is with it?“ 

“It seems rather unfinished. A bit lifeless, colourless? Why haven't you made an effort?“ Zayn inquired, a curious expression in his eyes.

“Gee, thanks Zayn!“ Louis said, feeling a bit offended. “I know it’s not perfect, but I’m not done with everything just yet.“ 

Zayn didn't back down. “Seemed pretty done to me, mate. You had already new sheets on your bed.“

“Whatever, I just hadn't had all that many ideas for it as of now. There is always time to decorate it later,“ Louis defended himself. 

They settled into the kitchen since they had already looked around all the rooms downstairs and Louis put the kettle on, fishing two mugs he stole from his mum’s out of the otherwise empty cupboard. He really needed to get some shopping done, not only for the baby but for some living essentials, too, after he realised over the last few days that he really hadn't anything to put into the house besides the bits and pieces of furniture he ordered online.

“Or are you leaving that for someone else?“ Zayn asked as he took a seat on the kitchen counter, because Louis hadn't come around to buying a table and chairs yet.

“What do you mean?“ Louis asked, taken aback, even though he could imagine pretty well what exactly Zayn was implying. He just preferred to play it dumb. 

“Never mind, Lou! It’s not my business anyway. And I like what you’ve done with the house so far, honestly. It seems like something — something entirely you, you know? Like, Harry and your London house, that was really chic and classy, but it wasn't really your heart and soul. More like the interior designers’. But this really is a home for you and the Little One.“

Louis smiled just when the kettle boiled. “Thanks, Zayn. I really tried. I want it to be a happy place.“ He poured the water into the mugs and handed Zayn his. 

“I’m sure it will be the happiest place, Lou,“ Zayn responded with a soft smile.

They sipped their tea in silence, neither of them mentioning Zayn’s observation from before again.

\- - -

When Louis awoke the two mornings later, he shockingly had to fight the urge to rush into the bathroom and throw up. It took him a good long moment to figure out where the nauseous feeling was suddenly coming from, because during all of his pregnancy he only remembered puking, like, once. It wasn't plausible that the baby would cause an uproar to his hormone balance now of all times, especially since with entering the 20th week his chances of getting morning sickness should reduce many times over.

When he sat up, though, and his eyes fell onto the cheap and plain calendar he had pinned on the wall next to his bed (mainly to keep track of his proceeding pregnancy) everything made sense. It was Thursday and Thursday meant his date with Harry was only hours away and, wow, yeah, that sure was causing a turmoil in his guts. 

Chewing on his lips he pondered over waking Zayn, who was snoring faintly beside him in the small bed in his mum’s house. They made it work, like they had before. But he really didn't want to annoy Zayn now, when he knew the other boy cherished his full ten hours of sleep if he had the chance to catch them. And anyway, knowing himself, Louis was sure he would be enough of a nuisance for the rest of the day — he could at least let Zayn his peace for a little while longer. 

As he got up off the bed, careful to not rustle too much to accidentally wake Zayn after all, he tried to calm himself down. There really was no reason to overreact. He knew Harry, he dated Harry, for fuck’s sake, officially they were still boyfriends. He shouldn't feel so nervous.

He decided to take a shower to freshen up his mind and body, then went downstairs for breakfast. His mum was busy with the twins, the girls having long left for school, and Louis jumped in easily, taking care of feeding Doris and taking spoonfuls of his own cereal in between. 

“How are you feeling, darling?“ His mum was wiping down Ernest’s hands, but here eyes were focused on Louis. She was a multitasker when it came to her kids. There was a worried crease between her eyebrows.

Louis made sure to smile reassuringly. “Nervous. But excited, too. I’m — I just — I want it to work out, mum. I just want it all to work out in the end.“

Jay nodded in understanding. “I know, Boo, and I’m sure it will,“ she said. “You and Harry, there is a second chance out there for you, if you believe in it. Juts let it happen, don’t force anything. Go slow and everything will fall into place all by itself.“

“But why am I so on edge? I’ve gone on a million-and-one dates with Harry, I don't want to be flustered like a 13-year old schoolboy.“

His mum had the audacity to laugh at him, so Louis just buried his head in his hands, a pout fixed on his lips. Doris squeaked next to him, waiting for her next bite or probably at least the spoon so she could continue eating on her own. “Oh come on, now, Lou,“ Jay encouraged him, petting him on the back as she walked past him to the sink. “You didn't do any kind of relationship-y stuff with Harry for half a year or so, it’s no wonder it feels like the first time after you spent so much time apart and estranged. And after everything that’s happened, too. I’m sure you will feel fine once the initial weirdness of the situation is passed.“ 

Louis desperately tried to believe her. 

\- - -

“I swear to god, Zayn, I don't have anything to wear. What the fuck? What do I do?“ Louis complained loudly, if only to drown out the hammering of his own heartbeat that seemed to be echoing in his ears. 

All the clothes from his different bags and suitcases was strewn about the room, making it the ultimate mess. His mum would have a fit should she come to see it in this state. But he really had other things to worry about.

“Zayn. Zayn, fuck, come on. Help me out.“ Instead of yelling about, his voice grew whiny now. He pulled out his mobile, the display showing him it was past five o’ clock already and Harry would arrive in less than an hour. Louis couldn't very well leave in his joggers.

Zayn, sitting in the middle of the chaos in Louis bed, surrounded by jeans and shirts and jumpers, looked like he was holding back a grin. Louis glared at him, then sank to his knees in frustration, rummaging through the pile of boxer briefs in front of him. “Nothing fits me anymore anyway. Might as well stay in bed.“

“Don’t be so ridiculous, Louis. And why are you searching for nice underwear anyway? Any plans for tonight that I should know of?“ Zayn smirked suggestively, which made Louis blush, which made him in turn glare even harder at the boy bumming around on his bed.

“Piss off! You know I wouldn't do anything with Harry tonight, no matter how great the evening might go. I actually have some dignity.“ He sniffed. 

Zayn rolled his eyes exasperatedly. “I know that, Lou, come on!“ And he actually heaved himself of the bed to join Louis on the floor. “Look, just take those. They look comfy enough, wouldn't want to squish the Little One, now would we?“ He handed Louis a pair of black briefs before he reached across the floor to plug a pair of black jeans from another pile. “And they always did look good on you. No idea if they still fit, but you should try. Now up with you, go change into those while I find you a nice shirt, okay?“

Louis, to out of it to do much anyway, laboriously got up off the floor and shuffled into the bathroom across the hall. Since he had showered this morning he didn't bother with it now and just put on some deodorant and cologne. He got out of his outfit, if one could call a combination of jogging bottoms and an oversized jumper that, and pulled on the briefs. Of course, because life was mean like that, he had troubles with the trousers. The button was impossible to close, no matter how hard Louis tried to suck in his tummy. It evidently was hard to push away a child instead of just air bloating his belly … 

“Lou, how are you doing in there?“ Zayn asked through the door a minute later, his voice muted and insightful, apparently feeling Louis’ trouble.

“I can’t get the button to close, Zee, there is just no way. None of my good-looking trousers will fit me and I refuse to leave the house in fucking chinos.“ To his own horror, there was a film of tears building up before his eyes.

Zayn, as if he suspected at least one breakdown, came into the room without asking and upon seeing Louis in his distraught state, pulled him into a tight hug. “Lou, babe, don't cry, okay? You don't want your eyes all red-rimmed and puffy when Harry comes to pick you up. That wouldn't match the perfect outfit I just put together for you, all right? Let’s go back to your room and I’ll make you the prettiest boy in all the land.“

Louis couldn't help but snort wetly at Zayn’s stupid words. A few tears spilled over his cheeks in the process, but he wiped them away determinedly. He trusted that Zayn would make him look nice enough, big tummy and all be damned. 

And really, Zayn had found a pair of black jeans Louis didn't even know he possessed, probably already anticipating that the other pair wouldn't fit over Louis’ stomach. He also handed Louis a thin, beige, cashmere jumper that displayed his collarbones and chest piece prettily because it hang so loose around his shoulders, but in turn concealed his middle perfectly. 

When Louis was all dressed, Zayn styled his hair in a quiff. He explained that his eyes were better visible that way and that Harry would like it, so Louis didn't object, although he felt odd. He had worn his hair down in a fringe for the last few months constantly and this hairdo that he once was so proudly wearing now felt like something from another life. 

Zayn also insisted that Louis wear a pair of black wingtip shoes, and Louis stared longingly at his dirty Vans as he slipped into them. They weren't uncomfortable, per se, but they just weren't Louis’ thing. 

When he looked in the mirror with a few minutes to spare before Harry was supposed to turn up, he was wrapped in a light black jacket that topped off his outfit. Surprisingly enough, he felt quite good and confident with himself, the beige colour of the jumper suiting his tan skin and the classy shoes harmonising nicely with the sporty jacket. He thanked Zayn by placing a big kiss on his cheek and ruffling his hair. 

“You look wonderful, Lou,“ his mum gushed as she bustled out of the living room, Daisy and Phoebe coming up behind her with bright, agreeing grins.

“Can’t remember the last time I made such an effort,“ Louis admitted, fumbling with a strand of hair near his ear. Zayn slapped his hand away immediately. 

“That’s true! I haven't seen you in anything but jogging bottoms since you arrived here months ago,“ Lottie chimed in, standing on top of the stairs and looking down on them all while absentmindedly braiding her long hair. Louis was about to show her the finger in good fun, when she added: “Not that I understand why you would make such a fuss for someone like him.“ Since Louis had informed her about the date Lottie had been rather sceptical, to say it nicely. She really seemed to hold his cheating against Harry and although Louis was glad he had such a loyal sister, he really wished she wouldn't be quite so unforgiving. It made Louis feel weak for even granting Harry this chance. 

It was good that the doorbell rang then and all those thoughts flew out of his head. 

Instead, just like that, his heart plummeted through the ground. 

\- - -

Harry was standing in front of the door with wide eyes and a beautiful little bouquet of white and yellow flowers in his left hand. Louis’ heart might have melted a bit as Harry pecked his cheek and mumbled a greeting into his ear before giving the flowers to Louis. 

“Hi!“ Louis said in return, voice breathless and a genuine smile gradually loosening his tense features. “That’s so sweet, thank you!“ He bit his lips as he let his fingers graze the petals. 

“You’re welcome! You look really, really lovely, Lou!“ Harry replied huskily with a small shrug. Although he seemed rather at peace with the whole situation Louis noticed how his hands were shaking slightly when he stuffed them into his pockets. Funnily enough it made Louis feel more at ease.

“Look who’s talking,“ he replied, feeling assured as he let his eyes wander up and down Harry’s body in a blatantly obvious manner. He wore black jeans, as tight as ever, combined with a silky, patterned shirt in the strangest tones of green Louis had seen in a long time. It looked bloody amazing, of course. It was always a good day when Harry chose to go with his chest tattoos on display. They were even matching in that aspect. “I’ll give the bouquet to my mum so she can put it in a vase and then we can leave, okay?“

Harry nodded, his cheeks rosy and his eyes bright, and Louis’ heart was fluttering in his chest when he turned around, pushing the front door open again. He was about to call out for someone to take the flowers off him, but his mum, Lottie and Zayn were all still lingering right there in the entrance hall. They appeared a bit flustered and it didn't take Louis long to count two and two together and realise they were keeping an eye and ear on him and Harry. Snorting in exasperation, but not actually mad, Louis pressed the bouquet into Lottie’s arms and, without saying a word, vanished outside again, making sure to slam the door louder than necessary.

“Let’s hurry. We are being observed,“ Louis whispered to Harry conspiratorially, grabbing for his hand as if it was the most normal thing to do for them. He chose not to think further about it as he basically ran for Harry’s car that was parked at the curb, dragging a confused Harry behind, and only let go of him when he reached the car door. Before he could open it, though, Harry seemed to shake himself from his daze and held the door open for him instead. 

“Thank you,“ Louis said and hopped into the car, which actually wasn't as graceful as it sounded, because it turned out that hopping into a Range Rover while pregnant wasn't all that simple. He slid into his seat, though, only blushing a bit about his attempt at looking fit and sexy and all that.

Harry smiled at him softly, before closing the door gently and jogging around to get into the driver’s seat. He didn't start the car right away, instead turning to Louis once again.

“How are you doing? How is the baby?“ He wanted to know, his voice deep and clear in the silence of the car. 

Louis felt hot and cold. 

He put on his seatbelt while he answered. “All is great, to be honest. The Little One is growing faster now, I reckon. I feel like the bump grew quite a bit since we last saw each other, and that was just days ago. I’m so excited about that, although I can’t say I’m all that eager to get all round and bloated. Don't know what I’ll do when I can’t see my feet anymore, but anyway. Do you want to touch?“ He added, thinking that Harry might quite like that but wouldn't dare to ask.

He was right of course, because Harry was all over him in a matter of seconds, with his hands splayed over the cashmere jumper and his gaze focused on the bump intently. “I wish I could have this every day,“ he muttered and Louis was sure it wasn't meant for his ears. He couldn't help but emphasise, though, wanting for Harry to always be there just as much. He wanted Harry to notice the day to day changes, to be there for all the new developments. 

Harry’s hands felt so warm and firm and right against his stomach that Louis thought he might lose his mind.

“So, where are you taking us then?“ He questioned, mostly to distract himself from the burning sensation of Harry’s gaze. “Like, I don't want to interrupt your bonding time, but baby and I are terribly hungry. Hadn't had a snack in hours and I’ve felt nauseous most of the day as well, so I —“ 

“Why have you been feeling nauseous? Is everything okay?“ Harry interrupted him before Louis could finish his sentence, concern crinkling his forehead as he sat up straight. His hands seemed reluctant when they let go of the baby bump. 

Louis couldn't help his cheeks turning bright red this time around. “Nothing’s wrong. I was just, you know, nervous and all that. Which is so silly, because we’ve gone on a thousand dates, but — I can't help it.“ He lowered his eyes, staring into his lap abashed. 

Harry’s soft chuckle next to him made him look up again, though. “Actually, that really makes me feel better, because I’ve felt the exact same way. It’s so weird, like, we know everything about each other, we’ve shared years and years together, but this feels so new and unfamiliar. It’s hard to just go along with it, isn't it?“ 

“It is,“ Louis agreed, grinning crookedly. He let his head sink against the seat, getting more comfortable. It was relieving to know that Harry felt exactly like he did in that regard, that he wasn't the only one worrying and overthinking and freaking out.

“Anyway, we should in fact get going if we want to make our reservation,“ Harry said then, starting the car and pulling onto the street. “I found this quaint little restaurant a little outside of town, it seemed really promising, so I hope it will be good. You’re okay with Italian?“

“I’m always okay with Italian food. You should at least still know that about me, Haz.“ Only after a moment he realised that he had let the old nickname slip, one that he hadn't used in months and months. He chanced an unsure look at Harry’s face and saw the most stunning little smile play on his plump lips. 

Suddenly, all of this felt a lot more doable.

\- - - 

The restaurant was beautiful, rustic chic its entire selling point. There were sturdy wooden tables all around and chequered drapes embellishing each window. Vintage lamps in odd colours were hanging from the high ceiling and there stood so many green potted plants around that Louis felt like he was sitting half inside, half outside. He totally loved it.

“How have I never been here before? It looks so fantastic,“ he said in awe as Harry took his jacket from him, taking them to the iron coat rack in the corner. The restaurant wasn't all that large and in Louis’ opinion that was a definite plus point. It was so much more charming with only a few people around instead of tons of them.

“It really does,“ Harry agreed when he next pulled out a chair at their table for Louis to sit down on and then took a seat opposite him. He really was thinking of every little thing and Louis found it so charming. From the corner of his eye Louis could see a waiter coming for them. “What do you want to drink, Lou?“

“I would love a glass of red wine, but alas. I’ll go with a bottle of still water.“

Harry nodded, a smile ever present on his lips, and when the waiter asked for their wishes Harry ordered Louis’ water for him and some weird sounding juice for himself.

The waiter left them two menus and the next minutes were spent in quiet as they both turned the pages, searching for something appetising to eat.

“God, everything sounds so good,“ Harry sighs after a while, his eyes fixed onto a certain page. “I don't think I can decide.“

Louis nodded. “I know. Well, at least I’m sure what I want for dessert. I should just probably have some real food beforehand.“

Harry laughed just as if Louis had told the funniest joke ever and it made Louis want to roll his eyes. It’s always been his default reaction to Harry’s stupid enthusiasm in responding to all the shit Louis said and did. 

“I think I’ll just go for the lasagna. Can’t really make any mistakes there, can you?“ Louis closed his menu, putting it aside just when the waiter returned with their beverages. Louis thanked him, then looked to Harry inquiringly when the waiter asked if they were ready to order their food.

“Yes, yes, I’m done,“ Harry exclaimed, handing the menu to the waiter. “Louis will have the lasagna and I’ll take the pizza with zucchini, tomato and cheese. Thanks a lot!“

The waiter scribbled down their meals and then left, promising their food would be out soon.

“Don’t tell me you've suddenly become a vegetarian?“ Louis asked suspiciously as soon as they were alone again, sure there had to be a disbelieving expression on his face.

Harry shook his head, his nose crinkled up in the cutest way. “No, I haven’t. But the pizza sounded yummy, didn't it, and I don't think one has to have meat with every meal.“

Louis shrugged. “You’re right, I didn't mean it in a bad way.“ He sighed yieldingly. “I have a feeling your baby might turn out just like you, like, I’m so craving some good old potato chips, but whenever I go near them — I don't know, I just can’t bear eat them. That has to be your kid tampering with my body and mind.“

A loving expression flitted over Harry’s face as his eyes swept over Louis’ tummy. “A balanced diet is essential,“ he said importantly, but he was grinning. “I bet you hate that. Does the baby make you eat lots of weird things?“ 

“Actually, not yet. Like, I have my usual cereal every morning and the Little One doesn't seem to mind. I eat more bananas than I did before, but that was to be expected, wasn't it?“ 

Once again, Harry laughed out loud. He looked so fucking happy to be sitting there with Louis, exchanging stupid little stories about their unborn baby. Louis could imagine doing this for a long, long time. 

“Little One,“ Harry said then, a thoughtful expression entering his eyes. “Is that what you call it? Instead of baby?“

Louis nodded. “It just seems cuter than to call it an it all the time, yeah?“

“Certainly. Little One, I like it.“ He took a sip of his water. “So, I don't think I’ve asked you yet; do you know the gender already?“ Harry’s entire expression was bright with excitement and anticipation.

“No, I don't know. But I have an appointment with my OB/GYN next week and I could probably find out, if I wanted to.“

Harry’s eyes were wide. “Wow. And you — you don't want to find out? You want it to be a surprise?“ 

Louis was chewing on his bottom lip, just shrugging.

“Well, I think both would be great. Just — if you do find out, will you let me know? Like, call me or whatever?“ Harry asked, looking so fucking hopeful.

A thought came to Louis’ mind and maybe he shouldn’t … He definitely shouldn’t, since he couldn't tell how this night would end, how their relationship would continue after this, where they would be going from here. But still he said: “You can come with me? If you’d like, I mean. Or I can just call you up, whatever you want.“ He tried to be nonchalant about it, but his hands were starting to sweat so much he had to wipe them on his trousers discreetly. He actually would like Harry to come, as odd as the resulting situation might become, so he was so worried Harry would turn him down. Maybe this was too much commitment too soon for him. 

Harry, to Louis’ surprise, didn't take a moment to make up his mind and respond. “Are you for real? Oh my god, Louis, I would love to come, honestly.“ 

As Louis raised his head he swore his heart skipped a beat or three. Harry was beaming at him, his white teeth on full display and his dimples deeper than Louis had seen them in forever. He wanted to get lost in Harry’s green, green eyes. 

“Okay, yeah, of course,“ Louis nodded, feeling a smile steadily making its way onto his lips. He knew there were crinkles forming by his eyes from the brightness of it.

“Thank you so much for this,“ Harry insisted, but Louis waved his words away.

“You don't have to thank me, really, Harry. I’m just — I’m so glad that you want to be a part of this all, a part in the baby’s life, even after everything.“ He shrugs again, unsurely this time round.

“Of course, Lou, of course. I’m so stupidly happy about all of this. Did you — did you think I wouldn't want the baby?“ A shadow crossed over Harry’s face as he asked the last question.

“No. Or well, yes. Or, no? I don't know!“ Louis pressed a hand to his forehead, feeling how they all of a sudden skipped from the easy talk right down to the hardest with no time to prepare. “Our situation is such a fucking mess and I couldn't tell if you’d be happy about any of this. Like, for the most part I thought you — felt nothing for me anymore. And how then would you think about this baby? That was a reason why I didn't want to tell you at all. I just. I was so afraid you would say that a baby wouldn't be what you wanted at that point in your life and — and least of all with me.“

Harry was chewing on his bottom lip, the skin turning from pink to white rapidly. His left hand was holding onto his juice glass almost violently hard. “I — I don't know what to say. I’m so sorry you felt like this. I don't think I’ll ever stop being sorry for all the shit I put you through. But, Louis, really, truly, I am so incredibly in love with you, and with this baby too, now, that sometimes it’s hard to think of anything but you. All I did everyday since I last saw you was waiting for today to come around. I was so desperate to see you, to talk to you, to admire you from afar, because you are just so damn captivating no matter what you do or say. And then — getting to know everything about the baby, our baby, our Little One. When I feel your tummy all I can do is imagine our future. I wish I hadn't done all that stupid shit I did do, I regret everything. I regret that you ever felt so unhappy, unsure, unloved with and around me. And I never want to repeat that mistake.“

Louis nodded helplessly along to Harry’s words. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't even understand what he was feeling right that moment. How was it that Harry’s words lately always managed to leave him feeling teary and shaken, but … mostly in good ways? 

“I — I —“ Stuttering around, not knowing what he was even trying to get out. All he could think was that he was ready to start over. He actually was ready. And maybe it was too soon to be feeling this way, but he couldn't help it. He wanted to forgive Harry, wanted to leave the last terrible months the fuck behind and move on. The future Harry way imagining — Louis could see it, too. 

Eventually, he reached across the table, nearly knocking over his bottle of water and the candlestick in the process. Harry seemed to know what Louis was aiming for, moving the hand that was clinging to his glass of juice. Louis grabbed onto it, not wanting to let go anytime soon.

“I love you so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to walk to the end of the world holding your hand, and your hand only. You are the one for me, Louis, and I know I’ve said that before and then broken all my promises but — now, after loosing you, after realising — I haven't ever meant anything more in my life.“

This time, Louis really couldn't hold back the tears, so he let them spill over his cheeks uninterrupted, sniffling. “I can imagine my future with you, too, you know. I can — I can see that, us, as a family. And because, because I can see that I think that — that maybe I can forgive you?“

When Louis’ eyes met Harry’s he felt like electricity was cutting through him. Harry’s hand was hot around Louis’. Everything just fit. 

“I love you,“ Harry said, once again, this time sounding breathless and unbelieving, his voice barely more than a whisper. He was squirming in his seat, as if ready to jump up and do something, anything.

It was maybe better, really, that the waiter was coming over just then, two steaming plates balanced in his hands. He set the lasagna in front of Louis and it smelled freaking delicious. 

“Thank you so much,“ Louis mumbled, sound like he had been crying. The waiter didn't appear to notice, or if he did, he thankfully didn't comment on it. Instead, he left after he had made sure they had no further wishes and told them to enjoy the meal.

Louis was overcome with a sudden burst of hunger and began to dig into his lasagna immediately, not minding the heat or that he burned his mouth while taking his first bites. It tasted just as good as it had smelled.

“We have to come here again, good lord,“ he sighed, his mouth ready to be filled again. “This is just perfect.“

Harry nodded in agreement, battling with a string of cheese that connected him to the piece of pizza he was in the middle of devouring. 

Weirdly, after a few more bites, Louis felt a well-known nausea bubbling in his stomach and he put his fork aside to lean away from the table. Suddenly, the lasagna didn't seem all that appetising anymore. 

Harry noticed Louis’ change in behaviour instantly, putting his own piece of pizza down in response to throw him a worried look. “What’s wrong?“

Louis swallowed. He had to take a deep breath before he could answer. “The Little One doesn't like the lasagna, it appears,“ he mumbled dejectedly, feeling his face crumble. It’s not like those few bites actually filled him up. 

Harry chuckled lowly, but stopped once Louis threw him an angry glare. “Sorry. It really seems like a copy of me, huh? Probably not in the mood for meat, either. Do you want to have my pizza? It tastes really great.“ Without waiting for Louis’ answer, Harry switched their plates around with ease.

Louis felt reluctant. “But you don't want to eat meat, you just said so yourself. I don't want to steal your food.“

“Honestly, Louis, I don't mind either way. I like lasagna, too, you know? Just eat the pizza, I know the both of you will like it.“ He winked at Louis, then, and wasted no time tucking into the dish before him as if nothing had happened. 

Still, Louis felt bad when he took a slice of the pizza. Harry was right, though, it was fantastic and his stomach settled as well. Maybe Harry should be carrying the baby, since him and the baby were so similar in taste. It made Louis grumble, but he wasn't actually put out by the entire situation.

They finished their plates off quickly after that, both rubbing their tummies. They complimented the waiter when he came to clean off the table and Louis, as planned, ordered the Panna Cotta he had decided on ages before. Harry passed, claiming to be full.

“Gee, thanks, you could've told me you were not ordering anything,“ Louis pouted. “It’s not like I need that Panna Cotta.“ He let his eyes wander over his tummy, unsatisfied. He knew most of the bump was just his baby, growing larger inside him every day, but he also knew there were lots of extra pounds that could have been avoided with a little thoughtful nutrition. 

“Louis, don't be silly,“ Harry said earnestly, after he had obviously picked up on Louis’ thoughts. “Please tell me you don't feel, like, too big or whatever!“

“Well, it’s not like I feel big, per se. But, you know, I don't have to eat like a pig just because I’m eating for two. I still should watch out for my body or whatever,“ he mumbled, fiddling with his napkin and uncomfortable with the attention drawn to the issue so unexpectedly.

“Louis, look at me, come on,“ Harry pleaded with him, and after exhaling in a huff Louis did. “You are so beautiful and there is nothing too much on your body, okay? You are growing my baby and therefore every pound you gain is the most beautiful, wonderful, miraculous thing to me. And it should be to you, too. Should be to everyone. And what if your figure isn't perfect right after the baby comes out? I’ll still find you handsome and attractive and hot as fuck. You are the most flawless human being to me, inside and out.“

“Oh my god, stop,“ Louis laughed, then, trying to make a joke of it all. His cheeks were burning red, though. Harry’s words were touching.

When the Panna Cotta arrived, he dug into it happily enough, enjoying each spoonful with closed eyes and exaggerated moaning. 

\- - - 

They had spent quite some time at the restaurant after they finished eating, just catching up. Louis had forgotten how easy it was to talk to Harry, about all the nonsense that was going on around them, all the gossip, but also about all the difficult topics. They avoided those for the rest of the night, though, both not actually feeling up for more tears and heartbreak. Louis really wanted to leave it all behind, at least as far as he could. He was having a great time and when they paid, or well, Harry paid, resolutely insisting on it, Louis felt sad that their evening together was about to end. 

“Would you like to, I don't know, walk around for a bit before I drive you home? I mean, if you're not too tired,“ Harry suggested, helping Louis into his jacket. His warm hands were brushing Louis’ neck and it made him shiver.

“I think I’d like that, yeah,“ Louis agreed.

They stepped outside into the warm August night, a clock somewhere further away striking half past ten. Harry held his hand out for him, silently asking permission. Louis slid their fingers together. That was the third time this day that he had held Harry’s hand and, fuck, he could get used to this again. Feeling Harry’s large hand engulfing his own made him feel protected and cared for. It was nice.

“I hope you had as wonderful a time as I had had. Because this night, this date — it was really fucking fantastic, Lou,“ Harry started after they had spent a few minutes walking in silence along the pavement. The street next to them was clear of traffic and there weren't many people that crossed their ways. Even though this still was, according to Harry at least, some outer part of Doncaster, it felt more like they were left in a tiny village somewhere far away at the end of the world. Louis couldn't deny that he cherished it all, because this was in fact one of the few, few times that he was able to hold Harry’s hand in public without having to worry that someone would see them, take pictures or film videos that could potentially out them to the whole world. Well, in his case that wouldn't really matter any more either way, but he wanted for Harry, too, to have the possibility to decide the place of when and where and how.

Louis hummed thoughtfully. “I enjoyed it, too, Haz. It’s only know that I remember how much fun we used to have on our dates. We had a fucking good time together.“

“I hope there will be more to come,“ Harry added. “Many, many more dates and many, many more years and so many more milestones. I want that all with you.“

“And I want it with you,“ Louis muttered, given Harry’s hand a squeeze. 

Harry stopped then, rather abruptly, causing Louis to stumble over his feet. Instead of uttering an apology, or whatever else, Harry burst out: “Can I kiss you, Lou?“

Louis needed only a split second to decide. He didn't even manage to lower and raise his head once in a nod, though, before Harry was cradling his face in his hands and pressing his lips to Louis’. 

And, for fuck’s sake, this wasn't some new, earth-shattering event — it was just kissing Harry. Still, it made Louis lose the ground from under his feet and his heart soar in his chest. 

Harry kissed like he had always kissed, but somehow also entirely different. He moved softly and lavishly, like he was savouring every second in the process. Louis couldn't help falling completely into him without a second thought, his arms automatically finding their usual place around Harry’s neck, his tiptoes raising in their own accord to make their height difference less significant. Harry was holding him for dear life, his hands on Louis’ cheeks sending shock waves of love and longing through his body.

They took their time before letting go of each other, Harry licking his lips almost obscenely when he stepped back a bit. 

“Wow,“ Louis said, an incredulous laugh leaving his throat. “That was —“

“Yeah,“ Harry nodded, his voice hoarse. “Yeah.“

To Louis’ relief the silence that settled over them then wasn't uncomfortable or strained, but familiar and welcome.

They made their way slowly back to Harry’s car, only occasionally mentioning something that went through either of their minds. Harry opened the door for Louis again, this time even helping him sliding into the seat. 

The drive went off without any incidents. Harry had some indie music playing in the background and Louis, for once, liked the relaxing mood it set. When they parked in front of his mum’s house his eyes were drooping steadily, tiredness at last overwhelming him. Harry had to half-carry him to the door, after Louis tripped over his own feet two times in a row. 

And then Harry kissed him again, gently and fleetingly, and although Louis was craving more, so much more, he more than contentedly waved to Harry and closed the front door behind him, ready for a long, long sleep.

\- - -


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello,
> 
> I'm back so soon, what happened? Well, I don't know, but I'm glad I get another chapter in before the new year. There is some stuff going on in here and I'm sorry beforehand, I can just imagine how horrible one certain part in here must be to read, but I won't spoil anything. Just keep in mind that I tried, aha!
> 
> As always much thanks for your lovely comments, they always make my days brighter! 
> 
> Also, how the hell did I write more than 100k words already? I'm still confused.
> 
> Anyway, finally, I wish all of you a joyful and happy start to the new year!
> 
> Until then,  
> Julia x

Time went by too slowly in Louis’ humble opinion. 

He wished for one thing, and one thing only, and that was to see Harry again as soon as possible. He was stupidly, rapidly falling back in love with him, which was fucking odd considering he never really fell out of love in the first place. He hadn't time to catch his breath, honestly. 

And the fact of the matter remained: Louis was desperately eager to see Harry again, to be close to him again, to hear his voice, to feel his hands on his tummy. He wanted it all and he wanted it right that damn moment. 

That’s how he felt Friday, one day after the date. 

On Monday, after he spent an entire weekend at his mum’s house with all of his siblings, since his mum and Dan had decided to take an impromptu trip for some much needed alone time and they asked Louis’ to take over, he was ready to climb the walls. Which, that sounded mean … 

He honestly, thoroughly enjoyed all the time with his sisters and Ernest and it wasn't all too stressful, either, since Lottie and Fizzy readily helped him out whenever someone out of each set of twins got fussy or angry or tired or hungry or unhappy. They had a great time baking tons of cookies and making more pizza than they could ever eat and watching several Disney movies in a row without break on the huge telly in the living room and playing boardgames and taking Ernest and Doris to the park and visiting Louis’ new house and making plans over plans for what to do when the Little One would finally arrive. 

Surprisingly enough, even Ernie and Dotty began to catch on and realise that there was something off with Louis’ tummy, although they obviously didn't make the connection that the baby everyone kept talking about constantly nowadays was what was making it all round and full. Especially Ernest made it a rule to grasp for the bump every chance he got, prodding and poking the taut skin under Louis’ shirts with furrowed brows and curious eyes. Louis couldn't do anything but find it adorable and let him have at it.

Now, with his mum and Dan back and Louis’ help not needed as much, he had nothing and nobody to keep him occupied and to steer his thoughts away from Harry. His favourite pastime soon became to imagine his baby with all of Harry’s features: Harry’s eyes, Harry’s dimples, Harry’s hair, Harry’s clumsiness, Harry’s taste in clothing, Harry’s talent in singing, Harry’s ability to make everyone love him from the go. 

Louis knew he was a hopeless case. Only he would jump right back into a relationship with a guy who had cheated on him. Twice. But he also couldn't find it in him to care. Like, what if he and Harry started anew? He had to answer to no one but himself. If he felt ready to … forget, maybe forgive, and move on, then he should do it, shouldn't he?

As he was lying in his brand new bed staring at his ceiling he contemplated giving Harry a call. It’s not for any particular reason other than the wish to listen to his voice. Then again, he didn't want to be the one that caved first. Harry hadn't called or texted since their date, except on the evening of to let Louis know he had arrived home in Holmes Chapel safe and sound. That was half a week ago already.

It made Louis doubt everything once again if he though too closely about it. The question why Harry wouldn't take another step towards him after kissing Louis on Thursday and saying all those sweet, meaningful words … it made Louis question if Harry was, after all, not as into it all as Louis was. 

Perhaps Harry had overestimated his own feelings and now, after the date and after the kissing, he realised that he had been right all those months ago and Louis wasn't the person he wanted to be with forever and always after all. That he had just imagined it because … because he had missed the comfortable familiarity of what he and Louis had had. 

Louis exhaled slowly, attempting to calm his racing heart. He probably was overanalysing the whole situation. Harry had been busy, surely, working and meeting friends, writing songs and enjoying his break. 

It was unfair, though, wasn’t it? Why was Louis the one spending his every waking moment thinking about Harry and the other boy just simply continued on with his life, obviously not at all lovesick? 

Crinkling up his nose moodily, Louis reached for his phone that was charging on his bedside table. If Harry didn't make the first step, maybe he should just give in and do it himself.

He searched for Harry’s contact and pressed call before he even could make up his mind about what he would say to him. 

Harry answered after the second ring. “Hey, Lou,“ he started off, breathless, as if he’d just run a marathon. “Everything good? Is the baby all right?“ 

Louis groaned internally. As great as it was that Harry was concerned for the baby it would be nice to … Louis didn't even know what exactly would be nice. He just didn't want Harry’s only worry be the baby. “The baby is fine,“ he therefore said shortly. And immediately felt bad for it, his guilt burning inside him as he let his eyes graze over his tummy. He shouldn't envy the Little One for all the attention and love and concern that was directed their way, since they deserved it all and more. Louis stroked his rounded belly in apology. 

“That’s good,“ Harry responded, but there was a trace of insecurity in his tone. “Is there any reason you called?“

Louis couldn't help the angry tears filling up his eyes in an instant. This just wasn't what he expected. After Thursday everything had felt so promising, he had felt so full of hope. Now there was a bitter after taste on his tongue. 

“I — I guess not. Just —“ Shaking his head to himself, Louis pressed his eyes shut so to not let any stray tears escape. “Just forget it.“ He pressed the red button before Harry could formulate a response, feeling pathetic and weak and sure that this had to be the shortest phone call he’d ever done.

This was shit. Everything was shit, he thought, chucking his phone across the room. 

Maybe his expectations had been too high. 

Why had he gone and fallen in love with Harry all over again after only a few conversations and one fucking date, wonderful and romantic as it might have been? Who did this? 

Louis Tomlinson would be the answer to that particular question. He evidently hadn't any self-protection-drive, just gave his all only to emerge heartbroken once again. Brilliant!

Harry called back seconds later, not that Louis was overly surprised by it. He didn't answer, but instead buried himself in the new covers of his fancy bed and tuned the incessant vibrating of his phone out. 

Where the fuck did he go wrong this time around?

\- - -

His doorbell was ringing, effectively waking him up from a dream he couldn't remember as soon as he blinked his eyes open. Louis hadn't even known there was a working doorbell connected to his front door yet, but if the chiming was anything to go by, there was. Who the fuck would use the doorbell, though? His mum had had a key for the house as long as Louis had his own and whenever one of his sisters decided to come by they used that exact key to let themselves in. 

The chiming continued.

It took a minute or two before he felt able to roll out of his bed and actually walk. He held the banister tightly as he shuffled down the stairs, his mind still sleep-addled enough that he was afraid he would take a wrong step, loose his footing and fall down the stairs and that was honestly the last thing he wanted. 

He didn't bother to check who was waiting in front of the door, ready to give whoever it was some choice words on how it was fucking rude to ring his doorbell at any hour of any day. He would have to have it taken off again as soon as possible. There was no rhyme or reason to it all, but he felt pissed at being woken up so abruptly. 

Of course he really hadn't expected that Harry would be standing there, looking down on him frowning. He looked as pissed as Louis felt and Louis couldn't for the life of him figure out what right he had. Before he could voice that opinion though, Harry took a step forward, arms crossed in front his chest, cheeks flushed.

“What. the. fuck?“ He literally spat out.

Louis felt more than taken aback. “Excuse me?“ he responded, tone challenging and eyes fixated on Harry cooly.

“What the fuck, Louis?“ Harry repeated himself, more annoyed than Louis had seen him in a long time. It reminded him of the Harry from only months ago — angry, indifferent, mean. But this time round Louis certainly wouldn't let Harry trample all over him. 

Gritting his teeth he was about ready to slam the door in his face. “What the hell do you want?“ he inquired, voice almost scathing. Apparently, everything had taken a turn from bad to worse rather quickly.

“What I want?“ Harry asked with false calmness sounding in his voice. It made Louis flinch slightly. “How about this: I want to know why you called me this afternoon and then abruptly ended the call after giving me one stroppy response and not answering any of my attempts to contact you, even though I fucking tried to reach you for the better part of two hours? Care to explain to me what that shit was all about? I am so pissed and seeing you here now, giving me fucking attitude, well, that certainly doesn't help anything.“

“Stroppy?“ Louis returned, now himself crossing his arms. He felt how his eyes narrowed into slits. Who did Harry think he was? And what fucking responsibility did Louis have to answer his stupid calls or texts after waiting for days in vain for Harry to make a move? 

“Yes, stroppy. I’m sorry if I said anything wrong or if I — I don't even know, offended you? Whatever. You could've talked to me, you know? I’ve been waiting for days for you to contact me and it’s fucking unfair of you to act the way that you did when you didn't even give me a reason.“

Louis huffed. “Oh, so you waited for days?“ He snarled sarcastically. “Has it ever come to your mind to fucking pick up your own phone and give me a call? Write me a text? Obviously not. And then, when I call you, all you fucking care about is the baby, which is great, of course. I’m happy about that. But you — you automatically expect that something is wrong, that I did something wrong.“

Harry opened his mouth, before closing it again. “What?“ He raised a single eyebrow. Louis wanted to punch him a little bit. 

“What what?“ He snapped instead, squaring his shoulders. 

“I didn't expect that you did something wrong, I would never suspect such a thing, Louis. And anyway, I didn't only care fore the baby, okay? I asked after your wellbeing, too, didn't I?“ Harry’s voice was still trembling with anger, but his tense stance had loosened somewhat.

Louis wanted to yell at him, then. If he actually cared, why hadn't he … “Why didn't you get in touch with me, then? If you cared …“ is what he said eventually, croakily and not as loudly as before. Most of the anger had left his system and what remained was the same heavy disappointment he had felt that afternoon. “I thought. I just — after the date, I thought you wanted to. You said you wanted to — be with me, that is — but you just didn't do anything.“ He shrugged helplessly, feeling split open and vulnerable.

Harry looked positively stunned, but Louis didn't know if he should take this as a good or bad sign. “Are you serious right now? I have — I have waited since Friday morning for you to call or message me, I couldn't do anything but anxiously stare at my phone and every time there was a notification I prayed that it would be you. But it never was.“ He shook his head, whatever had been left of his annoyance simply slipping away into nothingness. “I thought you wanted time, thought you were sorting yourself out. I thought you didn't want me to pressure you. And then you called after all and I panicked and thought something had to be wrong, because otherwise why would you suddenly call, which was dumb, of course. I wasn't thinking, I just —“ Shrugging, he let his sentence disperse.

Not sure if he wanted to scream or madly laugh, Louis sighed. They were the kings of misunderstandings, there was no denying. “This is all so stupid. What the fuck.“

Harry hummed in agreement.

They stood there, mere feet apart from each other, both breathing heavier than what was considered normal from their short-lived outbursts. Silence was settling over them, as there was nothing left to say apparently. They had both been upset over what turned out to be a silly matter. 

How great. How typical. 

And then Harry took the step, the step that Louis had silently begged him to take. He crossed the threshold, leaned down and captured Louis mouth all in one quick movement. Louis lost his footing, because of course he did, but it didn't matter either way, because Harry’s left hand was pressing steadily into his waist, holding him upright and close. Still, Louis’ breath hitched and his lips opened as if to utter a yelp that never came. Harry used the opportunity to slip his tongue inside Louis’ mouth, though, and Louis felt his world flip upside down. His hands were roaming restlessly over Harry’s broad back, almost desperately searching for something to hold onto. 

He was so fucking hot. This was so fucking hot.

God damn! He never knew how much he missed this, the heat, the fire and all that came along with being close to Harry in this exact, intimate way. He wanted to fall to his knees for Harry right here, right now, with the front door still open and the warm August evening sun the only thing providing them with light. 

“Fucking hell,“ Harry moaned against his lips just then. He walked Louis backwards until his back hit the wall across from the door, Harry effectively caging him in with his right arm. His left hand was still stabilising Louis and it was actually necessary, because his knees felt like giving out any second now. “If you think for one fucking second that I wasn't longing for you every second that I wasn't close to you than you really, truly must be out of your damn mind. For fuck’s sake! I’ve been dreaming things, Lou, god, if I hadn’t been so angry I probably wouldn't have been able to fully look into your eyes.“ Harry was panting against Louis’ cheek already, his words coming out all choppy and winded. 

He let his mouth wander after that, kissing along the line of his jaw and further down, down, before sinking his teeth in the junction between Louis’ neck and shoulder. Louis couldn't help but moan, his fingers clawing at Harry’s shoulder blades mercilessly. 

He hadn't felt this way in forever and he couldn't even make himself care about the situation he found himself in. All he knew is that he wanted this, whatever it was and whatever it would result in, and he might regret this all sooner rather than later, but … fuck it all. He wanted Harry and he wanted him now.

“Can — can I —“ He was breathing too erratically to actually form a sentence. He could practically feel the heat in his cheeks, was sure he must be red and sweaty already. But Harry didn't stop sucking on his neck and that was a good enough sign for Louis.

Harry nodded, though, seemingly in response to Louis’ mess of disjointed words. “Everything,“ he exhaled against the wet spot on Louis skin, sending a wave of butterflies and shivers alike through Louis’ body. 

Louis hissed when Harry added a final bite to his previously started love bite, before he joined their lips together again. Louis licked against Harry’s mouth, begging for entrance almost immediately and not wasting a second when Harry granted it.

Fuck. Fuck, had he missed this. 

“Shut — shut the door,“ Louis stuttered out when he had to actually break away from Harry to catch his breath. “Don’t want the entire world to see, do we?“ His chest was rising and falling rapidly.

Harry did as he was told, extending his foot backwards to kick the door closed, his hands not leaving Louis’ body for a second. As soon as the sun was locked out and the entrance hall was plunged into dimness, Louis let his hands slip from Harry’s shoulders and over his ribcage, and lower, feeling his abs lazily through the material of his sheer shirt. 

“You’re so stupidly hot, Lou,“ Harry mumbled against Louis’ ear, his fingers slipping underneath Louis’ loose jumper and stroking his sides, his tummy, just lovingly making their way around. 

“Shut up,“ Louis grumbled, not thinking himself all that hot, especially with a baby growing inside him, making him even bigger than he already felt anyway. 

Harry shook his head, sinking to his knees without a warning. “I won’t — you're the most — the most beautiful, the most fascinating. You're a fucking dream.“ 

Louis was prevented from replying when Harry tugged his jogging bottoms down his thighs, leaving him at a loss for words. “Can I?“ Harry asked, looking up at him through his lashes. There was no mindless desire clouding his eyes this time around. Instead he looked serious, ready to stop in a split second if Louis shouldn't be entirely on board with whatever he was planning. 

And Louis … well, he wanted to say yes. More than anything he wanted to say yes. But his heart felt like it was clogged in his throat suddenly, and uncertainty took over him. “I — I don't — can we go to bed? I want, but I —“ Louis felt helpless in the search for the right thing to say, but Harry seemed to understand him nonetheless. 

In situations like this, when they were overcome with longing and desire for one another, when their unrestrained want for each other consumed them, it was always Harry who used to keep a relatively clear head while Louis lost his reason usually only minutes into it all. It’s why Harry knew, too, what Louis wanted, how he wanted it, when Louis didn't even know himself. 

Harry got up in a fluid motion, taking Louis’ hand in his on his way up. “Where to?“ He asked quietly and it seemed weirdly appropriate in the otherwise eerily silent house. There was a calmness to him, but it was betrayed by his blown eyes, his red cheeks, his saliva-slick lips, the bulge in his trousers. His hair was a mess already and Louis had barely had his hands in it. 

Louis led the way to his bedroom, a place he hadn't ever before imagined Harry in. But when he opened the door, when they settled on the bed, Harry fit perfectly into the picture — as if he was the missing piece, the detail that made the room whole. 

“I just want you close — close to me,“ Louis whispered, feeling almost ashamed at his wish as his back hit the mattress. “I want you, I want you, but — here.“

Harry nodded immediately, as if he honestly understand what Louis was craving, pressing Louis into the pillows. He began to litter his face with kisses, worked his way down his body as he carefully stripped Louis of his clothing. His jumper fell away, leaving his baby bump uncovered. Harry spent minutes upon minutes touching it, kissing it, mumbling into the skin and it was so strangely erotic that Louis’ breath caught once again in his throat. He whimpered and Harry finally got on with it, stripping him of his joggers entirely now, dropping them to the bedroom floor mindlessly. 

“I’m going to take care of you,“ Harry mumbled, his voice so rough and deep that Louis felt his cock twitch in his boxers. He wanted Harry, he wanted him, wanted him so much. 

Harry didn't waste time with his own clothing, chucking away his sheer top and pulling his jeans down his long legs. Louis couldn't help but smile at him with heavily lidded eyes. Harry fighting with his trousers was something he would never get tired of seeing.

They were both naked, then, with the exception of their underwear. Harry didn't made any attempt to strip either himself or Louis entirely, though, and Louis was grateful for it. It wasn't like they hadn't seen every part of each other anyway, but this — this was a first, a new first, a first of a different kind. And Louis just couldn't imagine lying complete bare before Harry just now. 

And Harry seemed to get it, seemed to always get him in this way.

“I love you,“ Harry said then, and it sounded like he never meant anything more in his life. 

Louis closed his eyes, his heart beating so fast and hard and loud that he felt it would break through his ribcage any moment. “Shut up,“ he mumbled in response, just because he couldn't bear to hear it, it felt like to much. This was so much.

“But I do. I do, I do,“ Harry repeated, chanted almost, his lean body covering Louis’ in its entirety, heat building up between them. Harry pressed kisses to Louis neck again, making Louis shiver and tremble. 

And then, then finally, as if he had been waiting a thousand years for it, their cocks slid together, experimentally at first, softly, getting to know each other again through the thin material of their briefs. After several minutes, there was purpose behind it, purpose in the way that Harry moved against Louis, in the way he held his wrists down over Louis head in a way that he had done a million times. It felt right and good and Louis had to bite his lips so hard that he started to draw blood, just to keep himself from moaning obscenely. He hadn't found relief like this in months, hadn't ever even really felt into it when he had the occasional morning wank under the shower because he couldn't go without it till the end of time.

This — this was overwhelming him. Harry rutting against him, groaning, panting against Louis’ sweaty skin in pleasure, his eyes closed, his body so strong and all-encompassing. Louis wouldn't ever grow bored of this, of feeling how much Harry wanted him, how into it he was.

There were long fingers at his lips suddenly. “Don’t do this. I — I want to hear you — always. You —“ A broken moan interrupted his words, his body gaining speed as if led by someone else. “You make the prettiest sounds — the prettiest, please.“

Louis nodded helplessly, letting his lip slip from between his teeth. A whine escaped him instantly.

It felt like an eternity that they spent there, gyrating and rubbing against each other, chasing their shared orgasm with every breath, every whimper, every moan and every gasp. Louis felt high of it all, felt like he would float away if Harry weren't pinning him down like he was, with a strong grip, too, but still most careful to not put any real pressure on Louis’ bump. 

“I’m so — so close,“ Harry panted finally, speeding up his movements when Louis thought he possibly couldn't any more. 

“Me too, me too,“ he agreed, voice nearly gone. “Me too, Haz.“

And that, incredibly, seemed to do it for Harry. His eyes scrunched shut and his mouth fell open. Louis felt an all to familiar wetness soak through Harry’s boxers and moisten his own as well. It was so fucking hot, seeing Harry come, unrestrained in the way he simply let go. Louis wanted to cry with how fucking perfect it all was.

Harry continued to move his hips lazily, the previously upheld speed decreasing noticeably. It didn't matter to Louis, though, because when Harry, out of breath and sweaty and smelling of shampoo and man and musk and himself, leaned down to kiss him on the lips, Louis’ hips lifted of the bed on their own accord as he came into his boxer briefs like a 15-year old boy. 

It still felt like the best orgasm he’d ever had. Which, that was nonsense, certainly, but in this moment to him it was the utter and complete truth.

\- - -

Louis woke up on his side, curled into himself with his head on Harry’s chest. His groin felt sticky, his hair was matted to his forehead and his eyes blinked grittily into the darkness that was surrounding him, not even the moon illuminating them through the windows. 

Harry was snoring lowly and Louis was careful to raise his head and climb out of the bed so as not to stir him. There was a strange feeling swirling around in his guts and suddenly all that’s happened with Harry made him question everything.

He tiptoed into the bathroom, taking care to lock the door behind him, even though there wasn't really any need to. His counters and shelves were still pretty empty, only some essentials like shower gel, a comb and a toothbrush lying around, but it was enough for now. He stripped himself of his filthy boxers and stepped into the shower, hot water cascading down his body and washing away the sweat and the shadows of Harry’s touches from hours before. He lathered himself up thoroughly, spending extra time on his belly, caressing the skin that was shielding his baby from the outer world. 

Had he made a mistake? Had they gone too far too soon? Doubts were invading his mind relentlessly now, and it made his stomach churn.

He turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping himself up in a fluffy towel that was part of a set that his mum had brought around before her weekend trip, a little present. Louis tried to tell her that he really didn't need her buying him stuff, that he had more than enough money to take care of everything himself, but she insisted on it and now Louis was thankful.

Looking into the mirror, he saw a surprisingly glow-y face staring back at him. He grimaced tiredly at himself, then reached for his toothbrush. 

\- - -

When he joined Harry in the bedroom a while later, the boy still had his eyes closed and his head buried into one of Louis’ pillows, but Louis knew better than to expect him to still be sleeping. He could tell a sleeping Harry from a Harry that was only pretending to be asleep any day. He let it go, though, walking over to his dresser to pick a fresh pair of boxer briefs and a cosy, worn-down shirt out to throw on quickly. He could practically feel Harry’s eyes burn his back, but when he turned around, fully dressed, he had them pressed closed again. Louis felt like rolling his own eyes. Harry always thought he was oh-so-sly when he really, really wasn’t. It was mostly funny. 

He got under the covers again, getting close to Harry but feeling hesitant to actually touch him. Harry extended his arms almost immediately, though, grabbing Louis around his middle gently and pulling him against his chest. It was him giving himself away entirely.

“Hey,“ Louis mumbled. His hair was still wet from the shower and he knew it would dry in the most awful way and get all strawy-like. Wonderful!

“Are you okay?“ Harry asked, his voice raspy.

Louis shrugged, because he honestly couldn't tell. He felt a lot of things all at once, but he couldn't really figure out one specific feeling to describe it all. 

Harry cleared his throat. “Do you — do you regret it?“

Louis felt like shrugging again. Instead he responded weakly. “I can’t — I don’t know.“

He felt Harry grow rigid next to him, could feel the tension building up in his muscles. “I’m sorry, then,“ he sighed and Louis felt how he edged away and got ready to sit up.

“Where are you going?“ He asked, voice suddenly sounding panicked, though he didn't think Harry noticed.

“I guess it’s better if I leave, yeah?“ Harry sounded resigned as he let go of Louis entirely, getting off the bed and plucking his shirt from the ground. He was dressed in a matter of a minute and Louis felt his heart grow brittle and the ground shaking. 

Was Harry really going to leave? Like that? After all that’s just happened hours ago?

He was crying before Harry had even left the room, unable to help himself. He turned his face into the pillow to try and stifle his sobs, just praying that Harry wouldn't realise he was breaking down heartbrokenly. 

Louis was fucking stupid. He shouldn't have let all that happen. How could he have been so horny as not to see what kind of shitty situation they were catapulting themselves into? How would they go on from here if Harry was just going to fuck off to wherever and leave all this unresolved?

There was a hand stroking his shoulder and it made Louis cringe. “Lou, Louis. I’m really sorry. Don't cry, please.“ Harry sounded wrecked.

Louis wanted to scream and yell at him. “Don’t tell me — tell me what to do,“ he pressed out in between sobbing gasps. “You're honestly — you are just going to — to leave me here after you slept with me — How the fuck do you think I’m feeling — right now?“

There was a weight settling onto the edge of the bed telling him that Harry had taken a seat. “I thought that’s what you wanted.“

Louis finally sat up so he could face Harry and his words wouldn't be muted by the pillow any longer. His cheeks were wet from the tears, but his mouth was set in a tight, angry line. “Are you for real? We basically just had sex and you — and you think leaving me now is going to what? Help anything along? Solve anything between us? For fuck’s sake, Harry, can you cut me some slack? This was the first time in months anyone has touched my body except for my fucking OB/GYN, this was the first time in months that I actually got off and happily anticipated the orgasm instead of thinking about it all as a burden, as something I just had to get over with. This was the first time in months I actually felt good and loved and secure and taken care of properly — I’m sorry that — sorry that I couldn't make up my mind instantly about how I felt about it all, but you — fuck you! You can’t just walk out on me, leave me here feeling used and taken advantage off. You _have_ to cut me some slack!“ Shaking his head, Louis sniffled. At least the outburst had made him stop crying and sobbing. 

Harry looked pretty stunned, his hair a wild mess framing his face, his eyes wide. Then, he slowly began to nod. “Fuck! Fuck, you're right, you're so right. I’m so — I don't know what I was thinking, I’m just — I know this situation is hard for you, especially considering you're pregnant as well, I know it’s all a little overwhelming. It is for me, too, and — apparently that prevents me from making great decisions.“ He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Lou. Really, truly. Just — let’s — let’s get both back into bed and sleep, it’s fucking late. And tomorrow morning we can talk it over, make up our minds, yeah?“ 

Louis was too exhausted to do much else but nod in agreement, although the situation now was still not ideal. But it was enough for the moment that Harry realised where the problem lay. All of this was exhausting — a week ago everything seemed to work out well, and now, today, they already had two arguments. Louis didn't want it to continue that way.

Harry pushed his trousers off for the second time that night and got in next to him. This time it was Louis who cuddled up to him, but thankfully Harry caught on immediately and tightened his arms around him, holding him even closer than he did before. 

They were breathing in sync, steadily, and it took Louis not too long to fall back asleep.

\- - -

Louis found himself alone in his bed in the morning, but he withheld the urge to freak out, sure that Harry wouldn't have left, not after Louis’ breakdown of the previous night.

It turned out he was right when he stepped into the kitchen, where the radio was playing and Harry was busy frying bacon and eggs on Louis’ unused stove. Louis hadn't even known there was actual food in his fridge — in fact, he was pretty sure that there had been nothing in there but milk and some chocolate puddings. 

“You went shopping?“ 

Harry whirled around, pressing the hand not holding the spatula against his chest startled. “Fuck!“, he almost yelped. It made Louis grin. “But — yeah. Woke up around nine o’ clock and wanted to make you and the Little One some breakfast, but soon realised you were fresh out of — well, everything, basically. I went to the Tesco a few streets over, enjoyed the morning sun walking there.“

Louis rolled his eyes exasperatedly, but he could understand where Harry was coming from. Walking around this neighbourhood was always a joy. “Alright, then. I wanted to ask you anyway, though — how did you find me yesterday? Like, I’m pretty sure I never mentioned this house to you, much less the address.“ 

“Ah, yes.“ Harry scratched his chin. “Well, when you wouldn't answer the phone yesterday I obviously went a bit out of my mind, got in the car and drove to your mum’s house, because I suspected you'd be there. You weren’t, though, and I guess your mum took pity on my distraught self and told me how to find you. I didn’t —“ Harry paused, swallowing visibly. He turned around to his pan before he continued speaking, his back firmly to Louis. “I didn't know you’d bought a house here. I always imagined you would return to London, sometimes later on. But — that was a bit stupid, yeah?“

“Harry —“ Louis began, his throat tightening. 

Harry interrupted him before he could even form a sentence. “You don't have to explain, Lou. I get it. The London house, it was ours but it also wasn't, right? I mean — we lived there, yeah, but it wasn't ever a place to actually call home. There was nothing of ourselves in the furniture or the colour of the walls, only bits and pieces here and there, a few pictures hanging around. It only ever felt good to be there when we were together, too, innit? It wouldn't have made sense for you to return there to raise the baby. I’m glad you — you found this place. From what I’ve seen it’s really beautiful, shaping up to be the best place to raise a child in, I just know it. I’m proud of everything you've done and achieved for yourself, Lou.“ 

Unable to figure out how to respond to all that, Louis went with a quiet “Thank you, Haz.“ Harry was actually spot on in his observation and Louis was glad that he seemed to honestly understand why Louis wouldn't and couldn't return to the London house.

Harry began humming along to the song in the radio, then, swaying his hips exaggeratedly and nodding his head along to the beat. Louis chuckled at the whole picture that was presenting itself to him and slowly, the sudden tension that had captured the room seemed to fall away.

They ate their breakfast in comfortable silence atop Louis’ kitchen counter, the lack of a table and chairs getting too glaringly obvious now to ignore much longer. Louis sighing appreciatively with every other bite he took was the only thing that interrupted the quiet. “Really missed your cooking, not going to lie, Haz.“ 

“I missed seeing you devouring it so uninhibited,“ Harry responded with a smirk. Louis flipped him the bird.

The radio started playing one of their songs and Louis couldn't keep himself from singing along loudly, not even embarrassed about it. It’s the first time, really, since quitting the band, that he actually opened his mouth with the intention to sing. He missed this, and when Harry joined in, everything felt complete for once. 

“Fuck!“ Louis exclaimed out of the blue, then, his plate sitting clean and empty next to him on the counter and his tea mostly gone from his mug, the last accords of the song playing out. “Fuck, what time is it?“ He turned his head left and right in search of a clock on his walls, when he knew well enough that he had not yet put one up.

Harry, looking thrown by the sudden change in atmosphere with a frown etched on his forehead, pulled his phone from his pocket and checked the display. “It’s quarter past 12. Why?“

Louis groaned, letting his head sink into his open palms. “I have my doctors appointment at half past one. Nearly forgot about it, shit. Guess I’ll have to hurry up.“

“Oh,“ Harry said, a weird expression on his face. “Okay — um, go on then. I’ll just, I’ll clean up here.“ He gestured to the kitchen at large. 

“Thank you,“ Louis said, sliding of the counter and making for the door. “But don't take too long, you’ll need to be ready by one. It’s a bit of a drive to the clinic.“ 

Harry audibly gulped. “So you — you still want me to come?“ 

Louis turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. “Well, yes.“ He paused. “Except if — you don't have to, if you don't want to,“ he added uncertainly. “I can drive by myself.“

“No,“ Harry was quick to interrupt. “I want to, fuck, I really, really want to. I just thought — after last night I figured you might rather go on your own.“ 

Louis shook his head quickly. “I’ve always gone on my own. I think — I’d like it very much if you'd join me.“

There was a beat of calm, before Harry began to nod frantically, a bright smile making its way onto his pink lips. “I’d love to.“

\- - -

They were, of course, ten minutes late. Louis insisted it was Harry’s fault entirely, because he refused to speed up the stupid car and get a move on, too worried he’d get in any kind of accident and would harm either Louis or the baby. Louis rolled his eyes at his reasoning, but secretly was touched by Harry’s concern. 

Dr. Morgan didn't seem bothered with their lateness at all, thankfully, greeting Louis with a friendly smile and a firm handshake as always. He was evidently surprised by Harry, who was strolling into the room with curious eyes and slightly hunched shoulders. Still, he introduced himself professionally and Harry, charming as always, returned the gesture.

“So, am I correct in assuming that you are the other father of the baby, then?“ Dr. Morgan asked rather bluntly when both Harry and Louis had taken a seat in front of his desk. 

Harry turned to Louis, as if he didn't know the answer to this question himself.

“He is, yes,“ Louis replied therefore, sending Harry an odd look.

Dr. Morgan nodded. “I’m glad you told him about the baby after all, Louis.“ He smiled warmly, before handing Harry a form, asking him to please fill in his information. Harry got to work instantly. 

Dr. Morgan used the time to ask Louis the usual questions, inquiring after his well-being and any complaints or pains that might have occurred, any cravings and pregnancy-typical symptoms that he might have experienced lately. Louis answered honestly, only blushing a little at the more intimate questions, only too aware of Harry next to him. There was a tense moment when Dr. Morgan asked after his syncopes, if he had any scares with them, and Harry stiffened noticeably next to Louis. It was then that Louis realised he had never actually told Harry about this slight little problem he had … but it wasn't the moment to elaborate on it, either.

Dr. Morgan clapped his hands together after that. “Well, that sounds all rather good, doesn't it?“ He said, rising from his chair. “Let’s do the ultrasound next, then.“

Harry was up faster than Louis was even able to register the words, the form finished and forgotten on the table as he stared excitedly into the direction of the ultrasound device in the other corner of the room. Louis bit down on his lips to fight a grin, hauling himself out of the comfy chair. 

“You know the procedure, Louis. Lie down and lift up your shirt, please.“ 

Louis did as he was told while Dr. Morgan turned a switch on the machine, washed his hands and put on sterile gloves. Harry took a stand right next to Louis head, his left hand resting on Louis’ shoulder reassuringly. He was intently biting the nails on his right hand. It was a strange thing to witness. Louis knew Harry wasn't normally a person that lost their cool like that. 

“Let’s get started, then. As always, the gel will be cold,“ Dr. Morgan warned and still Louis flinched back from it, feeling goosebumps break out on his arms.

Dr. Morgan was busy running the ultrasound wand over Louis round tummy after and while Harry was transfixed on his every movement as well as on the little computer screen turned towards them, Louis was focused wholly on Harry. It was fucking fascinating, seeing him like this, totally captivated by everything that was going on. Whenever he had wished for Harry to be by his side during those examinations that was pretty much how he would have wanted it.

“And here we go. There is your baby,“ Dr. Morgan exclaimed finally, triumphantly, and Louis slowly turned his attention away from Harry after all, but not without noticing the slim film of tears that suddenly seemed to fill Harry’s eyes. 

The fluttery beating of their baby’s heartbeat filled the room.

When Louis gazed at the screen himself he could understand Harry’s reaction all too well. He blinked against the tears that now clouded his own vision. It’s just — he could actually see his baby. He could detect the head, arms and legs easily enough on his own, not needing Dr. Morgan to point them out separately. Even the little fingers were visible. There wasn't just a weirdly shaped grey mass on the screen anymore with something that could resemble a head but also could resemble everything else at the same time. No, there was an actual human being and it was utterly breathtaking. 

“Wow,“ Harry whispered, voice disbelieving and elated. 

“Yes,“ Louis mumbled in a weak response.

Dr. Morgan smiled at the both of them with white teeth and bright eyes. “It’s quite a miracle, isn't it?“ He said softly, before returning his attention to the wand and the screen, moving it some more and clicking different buttons. He was intently focused on everything in front of him all of a sudden. “I’m measuring a few things right now, because the 20-week-scan is mostly used to determine if the baby has any chance of being born with any kind of birth defect or any deficiencies. It’ll only take me a few more minutes, all right? Try to relax, this is a totally normal procedure.“ 

Louis swallowed heavily at the words, not able to help himself. He hadn't known that today was such an important point in his pregnancy, hadn't thought that he would find out anything today, apart from the baby’s gender. His heart was beating fast in his chest.

“Hey,“ Harry said lowly. “Don’t panic, okay? Everything will be okay, I know it.“

Louis wanted to point out that Harry couldn't possible know anything about this at all, because Harry didn't have a fucking degree in medicine, but then Harry took his left hand into his bigger one, pressing down gently, and Louis let it go. He closed his eyes and concentrated on taking deep, cleansing breaths. 

The next minutes appeared like hours to him.

It was Dr. Morgan who eventually pulled him out of his daze. “All done, Louis! Everything looks just perfect, for now I don't see any reason why you should worry. Just keep doing what you're doing and you and the baby should be fine.“ He moved the wand again on Louis stomach, now with a less serious expression on his face. “Anyway, back to the lighter topics. Any interest in finding out the gender of your little darling?“ His eyes were crinkling up with his smile as he glanced at them questioningly.

Louis raised his eyes to meet Harry’s. “I think you — you should decide, Haz. I’m fine either way.“ 

Harry stared back at him as if Louis had just unloaded the weight of the world onto his shoulders. But the next moment he was smiling almost manically, squeezing Louis’ hand. “Well, I — I would like to know the gender, please?“

Dr. Morgan looked at Louis, checking back with him. When he nodded along to what Harry had said, the doctor was grinning widely at them. “Congratulations, then, you're having a boy!“ 

Louis bit down on his lips, to stop himself from letting go of any embarrassing sounds, mostly. He met Harry’s eyes and found them looking as full of emotion as Louis’ heart and mind felt. Harry raised his hand, the one not holding Louis’, to free Louis’ lips of his teeth. Just like he had done the previous night.

“A boy,“ Louis whispered, breathless with happiness.

Harry leaned down unexpectedly, pressing his plush lips against Louis’ in a short, sweet kiss. “A boy,“ he agreed, voice husky, his breath hot on Louis’ face. “We’re having a baby boy.“

Louis felt the tears dripping down his face. Harry took care to wipe them all away. 

\- - -


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Lovelies!
> 
> First update in the new year, yeay! Hope you all had a good start! 
> 
> I've realised while writing this chapter that the story is in it's final stage or whatever. Not too many more chapter coming, I think. 
> 
> Thank you to all you who comment and are so nice with their words, also for all the kudos! Everything means a lot to me! 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter and all,  
> Julia x

“I’m glad you didn't tell me earlier,“ Harry said that evening as they were lying on Louis’ brand new sofa in Louis’ half-finished, half-furnished living room, watching some cooking show or another on Louis’ Macbook since his flatscreen hadn't been hooked to the wall yet. Louis didn't really care for the show, preferring to focus on Harry instead, who had his large hand splayed across Louis’ baby bump and a dopey smile on his plump lips.

“Why’s that?“ He asked, voice sluggish and eyelids heavy. The sky outside was turning darker by the second and Louis felt ready for bed, even though he hadn't done anything of significance that day. Maybe he would just fall asleep right here, with his head in Harry’s lap and Harry’s lovely presence surrounding all of him.

“I think — if you had told me — back in the US, in that hospital room, when everything with us was still such a mess,“ Harry shrugged halfheartedly, “it would have ended in a disaster. You were overwhelmed as it was and not at all convinced about carrying the baby to term and I would've — I would've begged you to keep it. And it would've been terrible, because I guess you — you would've done as I said, for my sake, but you would've hated me for pressuring you into it. You wouldn't have had the chance to figure it out on your own and — that was important, wasn't it? Also, I — I wouldn’t have ever been able to understand how you could have even thought about aborting our baby. Now it’s different, I understand your reasons, but back then … God. I just —“ He paused for a moment and Louis let the words sink in. As harsh as they sounded, somehow he had a feeling that Harry’s observation was pretty spot on. 

“We would have made each other really unhappy, wouldn't we? And our little boy, too,“ he eventually agreed quietly, his hand sliding against Harry’s larger one on his tummy, with the warmth of the skin underneath his fingertips.

He felt Harry nod more than he saw him. “Yes, I think so. I think this time apart — it helped us, don't you think? Like, it was fucking hard, not going to lie. But, and I can only speak for myself really, but it made me realise what I had, with you. That you were my person, that you were the one. I think it was important for me to see that, to find that out about myself: that I couldn't be without you, that I didn't ever want to be.“

As Louis fiddled with the hem of his shirt, which was pulled up to expose his belly, he mulled the words over. It quite made sense. “I think you're right.“

There was a silence settling over them as they each followed their thoughts. In hindsight, not telling Harry sooner had probably been one of Louis’ better choices. Because despite their love for each other, a love they held onto even during the difficult months, even when they tried to convince themselves otherwise, it wouldn't have been enough. In the end, and Louis was sure of that, they would've ruined each other completely. 

“I guess I’m glad, too, then. That I waited. Even though my reasons were actually pretty selfish.“

Harry hummed. “I don't think you've been selfish. I think you did what you felt needed to be done to protect yourself and our baby. And I’m grateful for that.“

Louis bit his bottom lip to ban the smile that threatened to surface. Harry talking like that, cherishing Louis in those sweet, simple ways of his while not putting much attention or emphasise on it at all — that meant a lot to him.

This time they really fell quiet, both of them now turning their attention back to the Macbook. Louis was a bit lost on what was going on with the cooking show, but the bar at the bottom of the screen made him realise there wasn't much time of it left anyway. They could just start a movie, after, or whatever, so that was okay, too.

And anyway, he always had Harry’s warm hand on his tummy to focus on otherwise. 

\- - -

They were lying in Louis’ bed in the early morning, sprawled out next to each other, close but still distant somehow. They had spent the night here, since Louis hadn't furnished the guest room yet and also, where would be the point of Harry sleeping there? He had spent the previous night with Louis as well, and in a more intimate way, too. They had been separated for long enough and if Louis was honest with himself he knew that he didn't want any more time apart from Harry.

And still, Louis could feel how Harry was careful to not touch him in a way that wasn't appropriate. Although, who could even tell anymore what was appropriate and what wasn’t between the two of them. Every border was blurred over. It was just weird, was the thing. Their situation was chaotic still, even though Louis was pretty sure he knew where he wanted all of this to go, how he wanted all of this to end.

But — Harry was so far from him. Although their feet were tangled together under the blankets, and their fingers were almost brushing in the middle of the bed, Louis only wanted more. He wanted Harry close, like he was before. Not afraid to touch, to feel, to kiss and to take. Louis was his and only his. Hadn't Harry realised that yet?

“Please,“ he whispered sometime later, not sure if it’s been minutes or hours since he’d woken up. All he knew was that Harry was just as awake next to him, and unmoving, barely daring to take a breath. The first rays of morning sun had long since wandered in through the windows, enveloping the room in a orangey glow and summer heat. All of this was ridiculous. Ridiculously complicated. “Please, do something, Haz. I can’t stand us being together but apart all the same. You are allowed to touch me. You don't need to wait or ask my permission, I promise. I’m — I’m all yours, always have been.“

Louis could feel how Harry turned his head slightly to face him, but he continued to stare at the ceiling, insecure. His heart was pounding in his chest.

“I just — I don't want to make you uncomfortable in any way. I don't want to overwhelm you. I want to respect you — if you — if you have any limits, anything I can’t do, shouldn't do. I just don't want to make anymore mistakes with you.“ Harry’s voice was husky, gravelly, like it always was in the mornings.

Louis bit his lip, trying to come up with a fitting reply in his head. But the truth was … “There aren't any limits nor any borders, Harry. Not for you. There never have been, you know that.“ He sighed, letting his eyes fall shut for a split-second. “You can do to me what you want.“ He turned his head then, meeting Harry’s green eyes straight on. “But be assured, I would let you know if you went to far. Just please — say something, do something. Otherwise … I feel as if this right here isn't what you want after all.“

Harry’s expression changed then, growing more serious. His hand, which had been lying close to Louis’ all this time, finally reached for him. “You have to be mad if you think there is any place in the world I’d rather be right now. I want to stay here, with you, with our perfect baby boy, preferably forever. It’s — I haven't been so grateful, so satisfied with my life in a long, long time. You make me so fucking happy, Lou.“ Harry straightened himself up then, mindful of their joined hands as he leaned over Louis to press a soft kiss to his dry lips. “And if it’s your wish that I don't hold anything back, that I act like I want to act, that I do to you what I want to do to you, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. Just please never hesitate to tell me if I went to far.“ There was a sincere plead in Harry’s words.

Louis couldn't do anything but nod, Harry’s face still so close to his after the short peck. He could feel Harry’s breath on his face, sweeping over his cheeks. “I will. I will tell you.“ He blinked his eyes rapidly, feeling overwhelmed by Harry’s sudden closeness, a closeness he had longed for almost desperately, in the best way. “I just don't think there is anything you could do to me that I wouldn't approve of,“ he added in a near-murmur. 

Harry seemed a little stunned, before he broke out in soft laughter. His curls were flying around his head as his body vibrated with his mirth. “I love you so much, you have no idea.“

There wasn't any time for Louis to respond or even gather his thoughts before Harry was all over him, his lips searching for Louis’, capturing them in a breathless kiss while his hands held onto Louis’ face. It wasn't long, though, before Harry’s lips began to travel, flitting over Louis neck instead, biting and nipping at the skin there and leaving goosebumps in their wake. Louis’s eyes fell shut instantly and he exhaled a helpless, stuttering breath. 

It was then that he felt a strange sensation in his stomach, like a fluttering but with some kind of pressure behind it. He first took it for some literal butterflies in his tummy, but then the pressure grew and he pushed Harry away with a gasp in his haste to sit up and make sense of what was happening. 

“What the —,“ Louis breathed out, eyes widening as his hand fell to his stomach.

Harry struggled to find his balance for a moment before he righted himself and looked at Louis with furrowed brows. “What’s wrong? Did I —“

Louis shook his head harshly, interrupting Harry immediately. “No. No, it’s — I think it’s the baby.“ 

“What? What’s happening? Does it — does it hurt?“ Harry crawled over the bed and close to Louis once again. He looked concerned, his eyes flicking over Louis’ entire body as if he would be able to detect any harm this way, his hands reaching out ready to help Louis in whatever way necessary.

Louis swallowed, then croaked out: “Everything is okay. Everything is — perfect. It’s — I think he’s moving.“ He raised his eyes to meet Harry’s eyes.

It was almost unreal how fast Harry’s entire posture changed. His face relaxed in relief, a bright smile instead finding its way upon his features. He looked absolute awed from one second to the next. “Really? Oh my fucking god, really?“ His voice was higher than usual and it made Louis grin as he nodded. 

“Really,“ he confirmed, sure his eyes must be soft and full of love, because that’s how he felt inside and out.

“Can I —?“ 

Louis was grabbing for Harry’s hand to press it against his lower belly before the other boy was even finished asking his question. 

The fluttering was continuing, not easing up in the slightest. It wasn't uncomfortable or hurting in any way, but more like a forceful little tickle from the inside. If it would help any, Louis would probably squirm out of reflex to make it stop. Not that he wanted it to stop. How could he, now that he finally, finally got to feel his baby? Now that his Little One actually made himself known? 

“This is — the single most awesome thing I ever experienced,“ Harry whispered shakily, as he took his left hand as well to press against Louis stomach. “How — just. He’s just in there, making a fuss and we — we can actually feel it? It seems so —“ He shook his head then, obviously for a lack of how to continue.

“It seems impossible, doesn't it?“ Louis completed the sentence lowly, his own hand still carefully drawing patterns on his bump around Harry’s hands. It was different, the feeling outside. Not as intense, but not any less fascinating. 

They sat in quiet for minutes on end, just feeling. Harry never once lifted his hands from Louis’ baby bump and Louis didn't want him to. He leaned back into the blankets, though, relaxing his back. 

With the soft kisses and caresses from before, the sun illuminating the room and the scene and the baby moving around for the first time this morning couldn't have been better, honestly.

\- - - 

They tried to take it slow or, they intended to take it slow. That’s what they discussed lowly over a late breakfast of cereal and herbal tea, at least. Not jumping right back into the relationship was what both of them thought a wise decision. They planned on just letting it happen when it happened, all the while they didn't want to force anything that they just weren't ready for then. 

But when they walked over to Louis’ mum’s house that afternoon with their hands intertwined and Harry’s shirt hanging loosely on Louis’ pregnant body, it seemed as if they weren't taking their resolutions all that seriously. Louis couldn't refrain from wanting to be as close as possible to Harry and Harry appeared to feel similarly.

Jay threw both of them knowing glances as they stepped into the house all cuddled up with each other. They remained close even while they helped preparing tea and biscuits for them to snack on, despite in being only a few hours to dinner.

It was Harry who, in the end, burst out with the news of the baby being a boy and of course, because Louis’ mum was not all that different from Louis himself after all, Jay promptly broke out into tears and hugged the both of them for eternities, declaring how elated she was with the news. Louis was actually afraid to let her know that the Little One had moved that morning for the first time as well and in the end decided that he maybe would wait for another day, fearing for his mum’s wellbeing otherwise. 

They had dinner with Louis’ entire family later on and Louis was actually glad that Dan, his sisters and Ernie accepted Harry back into their middle without a questioning word or second glance. Except for Lottie, but that was to be expected if her reaction to Harry and Louis’ previous date had been any indication. She wasn't mean, though, just reserved and a little sceptical. Louis was sure she could learn to forgive Harry, though, if he himself was on his way there, too.

“Anyway, Harry,“ Dan began in between forkfuls of potato mash. “How did Anne and Robin react to the baby news?“

Louis, who hadn't even actively thought of Harry’s family in connection with the baby before and therefore hadn't asked about Anne and Robin and Gemma’s reaction, turned to look at Harry expectantly, just like the rest of his family. Strangely enough, Harry’s cheeks reddened. 

“I — uh, actually, I haven't told them yet?“ It was phrased as a question and Louis couldn't hide his shock.

“What do you mean?“ Lottie asked before Louis had a chance to. Her voice was calculating, as if she was suspecting a deeper, ulterior motif to Harry keeping the baby a secret from his family.

Harry cleared his throat, placing his fork aside. “Well, since I’ve only known about the baby for two weeks myself I just — I haven't found the right moment yet. And also I —“ He was angling his body towards Louis for his next words, back tense and curls falling into his eyes. “I wanted you to come with me; when I tell them, I mean. I know my mum would want to see you as soon as possible either way, since you're the one carrying her grandson and all. So I figured I — we — could do it together?“ He shrugged, as if suddenly unsure if that decision had been the right one. If he had an actual right to ask this from Louis.

Lottie huffed out a breath at the other side of the table but Jay shushed her with a stern glare.

Louis smiled at Harry. “I’d love to come with you to tell your family together. Want to see Gemma’s face when you stutter out how you accidentally knocked me up,“ he giggled, which earned him a half-affronted sniff from Harry. 

“Best accident ever, though,“ he muttered then.

“True,“ Louis agreed silently, letting his fingers brush over his tummy once more before he helped himself to a third serving of everything. 

He could practically feel the eye-rolls all around. 

“I’m eating for two, don't judge me,“ he snapped with a pout, shovelling peas in his mouth with gusto. Harry’s hand squeezing his thigh lovingly let him know that he was in the fucking right. 

Anyway, they hadn't that ‘going slow’ thing down as of yet …

\- - -

Strangely enough they didn't find time to make a trip to Holmes Chapel until almost three weeks later, which marked the beginning of September already.

It might have had something to do with how they had spent days on end in bed with one another, getting re-acquainted with their bodies. Although Louis didn't feel ready for actual sex yet, they did pretty much everything else in the book. Harry had always known his way around Louis’ body, had always known how to make him squirm and scream. 

All Louis could say for himself was that he sure as hell didn't regret those days in bed. Going slow and taking their time his ass, honestly. Maybe they were moving too fast but Louis couldn't find it in him to care a bit.

There was also a lot happening with the house and Louis never felt comfortable enough to leave, always fearing something might go wrong and he had to have it done all over again. 

All the rooms were painted be now and hardwood floorboards had been put down everywhere where Louis had felt carpet would be an unwise decision. He had finally come around to buying all the furniture that was missing around the house, too, parts of it online and parts in actual furniture stores. Now, all the shelves were nailed to the walls and every flower pot placed with care on every surface. 

Harry had been more than ready to help with everything, picking up hammer and screwdriver with delight whenever he saw something half-finished standing or lying around. He always asked Louis before interfering with anything, though, something Louis was surprisingly thankful for. 

Because, after all, this house was Louis’. He had bought it as a safe haven for himself and his baby. Harry hadn't been part of the equation back then, but now that he had been here for weeks on end with barely any interruption it seemed hard to think him away again. Harry had actually helped Louis with lots of the decorating, always happy to give some advice or his opinion.

So now, when Louis looked at the finished house, it was almost as much Harry as it was him — at least in the details. In the colours of the vases or the cut of the curtains or the scented candles on the side tables; it was all Harry. And Louis found he didn't mind as much as he might have thought beforehand.

Harry had indeed only left once throughout the weeks they spent together, which was two days after the dinner with Louis’ family, when both he and Louis realised that he couldn't very well wear the same pair of jeans for another day. And Louis’ shirts, as large as they might be now that he was pregnant, weren't all that flattering on Harry’s lean body as well, either too short or way too baggy. He drove to his mum’s house for one night, then, because apparently that’s where he kept most of his clothes, but returned the next day to take Louis out for lunch.

It was a bit strange, how they were just falling back into each other, continuing like before but still somehow different. It wasn't what they had planned, probably wasn't good or benefiting for a fresh start, but it seemed as if neither Harry nor Louis could help themselves and actually keep apart from the other.

It wasn't all bad though, because they might have started where they had left of with their relationship, but there were still drastic changes in how they spoke and acted with each other. Their routines had changed, their lives had become easier to coordinate, it was just nice, being together again, somehow. 

Louis found it hard to give an explanation on what exactly had happened, what had changed, and how and why. He just knew that everything felt weirdly right with him and Harry. He really didn't want to jinx it but he was so fucking happy all the time that not even the occasional backache or heartburn caused by the pregnancy could bring him down for long.

Thing was …

His house, this house that he bought months ago with the intention of spending his life, his future here watching his Little One grow up — it suddenly felt very, very much like a home. And although it frightened him that Harry was such a big part in invoking this feeling, it also felt just right and proper that he was a part of it all.

\- - -

“How much longer?“ Louis whined grumpily from the passenger seat of Harry’s Range Rover. He had his feet propped up on the dashboard, which made Harry throw him dissatisfied looks all the time. Louis didn't care, though. He wanted out of the car and favourably now.

Harry’s sigh could've probably been heard from space. “Not even half an hour. Come on, Lou, you know it isn't that long a drive to Holmes Chapel. Stop being whiny, please, love.“

Louis wasn't sure whether he wanted to pout or hiss at Harry in response and just chose to be quiet instead. He grabbed for the bag of sour soft candy in the side compartment, something he had begged Harry to get him at a petrol station on the way, and popped some into his mouth. He knew he was probably overreacting and a little difficult on purpose; after all, the drive to Holmes Chapel took them no longer than two hours from Doncaster. Louis just wasn't used to longer car rides any more, his bum hurting and his neck stiff.

It didn't help that the Little One wouldn't stop kicking his tummy from the inside. Normally, Louis loved it when he was actively causing a ruckus, but then Louis was also able to move around or lie down somewhere to make it more comfortable for himself. Here, stuck in a damn car, he just felt exhausted with it all.

He threw a glance at his tummy as if to tell his boy to calm it down in there, in the process of it not able to ignore how rapidly he had grown in the last weeks. Not even the woollen jumper he had borrowed from Harry could hide his baby bump fully from view anymore. Louis expected the visit to Anne’s to be almost hilarious, really, since there was no way in hell she wouldn't immediately know what was going on upon seeing Louis swollen middle part. He was a bit nervous about her reaction, though. Not that he thought she would actually be mad or disappointed or weirded out but … there still always remained a little rest worry.

When Louis looked out of the window he was able to identify streets and buildings they came across, which meant they couldn't be far from their destination. He inwardly sighed in relief and threw his arms over his head to stretch himself as properly as he could in a car.

It was only ten minutes later that they passed the sign letting them know they were entering Holmes Chapel and Louis’ heart began to thump a little harder inside his ribcage. He was excited to see Anne and Robin again. He just hoped they wouldn't be too angry with him for keeping quiet when they realised he never told them about the baby at the Sheffield concert, where he had had a perfect opportunity of being honest with them. But not even Harry had known then and he really wished for them to understand his point of view.

“Are you nervous?“ Harry’s deep drawl drew him from his thoughts.

Louis shrugged undecidedly. All facts considered, he probably was. “What about you?“ he asked in return.

Harry chuckled lightly, but there was an edge to it. “I guess, yeah. Just hope my mum won’t hold all of this against me for too long.“

“I’m sure she won't, Harry. If anything she’ll be annoyed with me, won’t she? You barely could've told her earlier, but I … I hid this from all of you.“ Louis chewed on his bottom lip, noticing how they were driving into Harry’s mum’s street.

Harry only answered moments later when he had parked the car in the drive way and was able to turn to Louis fully. He stroked Louis’ cheek when he spoke. “She would never be angry or annoyed with you, Lou, I promise. After all, this is mostly my fault, isn't it? If things hadn't turned out so shitty because I was too stubborn to talk to you, if I hadn't — you know, done this stuff with other people, we would've worked out all of this sooner. But it is no matter now, love. So long as we tell my family before the baby is actually born it should all be good.“

Louis tried to force his lips into a calm smile; if Harry saw through him he didn't let it show. Instead, he leaned towards Louis over the centre console and pressed a sweet kiss to his lips.

“I guess we should get out of this car then, yeah?“ Louis said, releasing his seatbelt and opening the door so the late summer warmth could come capture his body. Weirdly enough, despite there always being high temperatures, Louis more often than not felt cold. Which is one of the reasons why he chose to wear Harry’s jumper today. He stepped out of the car to and let the door fall shut quietly behind him. He met Harry in front of the car and they walked hand in hand to the front door.

“Gemma will be so pissed that I’m going to be a dad before her after all,“ Harry whispered mischievously into Louis’ ear while his free hand pressed down on the door bell. It made Louis giggle unexpectedly and he loved Harry a little bit more, just for knowing how to make Louis loosen up.

The door swung open then, and Anne and Gemma were all over them in a matter of seconds. Their main focus seemed to rest on Louis, since they had seen Harry two weeks ago after all. Louis, though, hadn't been visiting at all this year and he felt slightly guilty when he realised just how long it’s been.

“Louis, it’s so wonderful to see you again, darling,“ Anne hummed, not wasting a moment to pull him into a tight embrace. Louis was afraid to breathe. She must feel it, was all he could think. She must feel the baby bump. But she didn't seem to notice anything, or if she did she chose to keep quiet about it.

Gemma was ruffling his hair over her mum’s shoulder and it made Louis throw her a moody glare, even if he was thankful for the short-lived distraction. Before he knew it, he was snuggled into her arms, enveloped by her flowery perfume and with her long blond hair tickling his face. She tensed for a second when their bodies made first contact, but soon enough relaxed against him, kissing his cheek when she let go.

It took a while for the greetings to be done with. Louis took care to stay a little behind Harry as soon as the girls were through with him, not wanting to draw more attention on himself. He wanted to be in the living room, preferably with a hot cuppa and some apple slices before getting into talking about why they were here after all. 

“Let’s go and sit down, all right? I’m sure we have — lots of catching up to do,“ Anne said finally, as if reading Louis’ mind, clapping her hands together with vigour. Louis wondered if he was the only one hearing the slight pause in between her words.

They were gathered in the living room shortly after. The coffee table was already set, a pot of tea steaming in the middle of all the plates and cups. As Louis had expected, there was a fruit platter laid out as well. It was one of Anne’s traditions, serving the tea with an assortment of fruit. 

Louis took a seat next to Harry on a small settee near to windows that were overlooking the garden that Anne was caring so lovingly for. He crossed his arms in front of his body and hunched a little to make himself appear smaller. He only hoped Harry would get right into it, not waste time beating around the bush. 

Anne spoke up before either Harry or Louis had a chance to, though. “I have to say,“ she starts with a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, pouring tea in all four cups sitting on the table. Apparently Robin wasn't joining them yet. “If you wanted to surprise us with Louis’ pregnancy, I think you have accomplished that quite well.“

There was a moment of stunned silence, in which Louis was throwing Harry a helpless glance. It’s not like he had really expected for Anne not to notice. He was thankful, though, that she had waited for them all to sit down so as to not discuss the baby in the entryway. 

“I just wish you would've come by a little earlier, you know. Maybe before there was a visible bump.“ Anne’s voice was light, but it was hard to not hear the slight disappointment that was resonating within it.

“Mum,“ Harry began to say, his tone incredibly apologetic, his eyes cast down. Louis sat a little straighter, guessing he really had nothing to hide anymore, and reached for Harry’s clammy hand. “I’m sorry it’s taken this long to come by and talk about it. There were reasons —“

Gemma was silently leaning back in her chair. She didn't seem as bothered about the secret-keeping as her mum, more interested in staring at Louis’ stomach with attentive eyes.

“Harry, love, you don't have to be sorry, okay? I’m sure the both of you had your reasons. It’s just a bit much to take in from one second to the next,“ Anne assured them. Louis really loved her a lot and he was ashamed for his behaviour of the last months. He never actively realised before that, if he had actually shut Harry out of the baby’s life, he would have shut out his family as well. That really would've been horrible of him!

“I’m still sorry,“ Harry repeated, although Louis felt it should have been him uttering those words this time around.

Anne nodded in response, another weak smile grazing her lips. She picked a biscuit from a plate on the table and nibbled on it, not meeting either of their eyes. Louis felt worse with every passing second.

It was Gemma who broke the tenseness that was beginning to settle over them. “I think congrats are in order! I’m so happy for you, although I can’t quite believe you two are going to be parents before me. That’s just unfair,“ she said, chipper and smiley as she was usually. She got up from her place to peck both Harry and Louis, not missing out on kneeling down to pat Louis’ tummy carefully. She looked rather jubilant about the whole situation and Louis was glad for it. 

Gemma’s reaction seemed to spur Anne into action as well, her biscuit suddenly forgotten as she pushed out of her armchair to embrace both Harry and Louis in an awkward three-people-hug. There were tears glistening in her eyes and her breathing was a little irregular. “Excuse my weirdness, boys. I’m so sorry. Of course I’m so incredibly pleased for you. I can’t believe I’m going to be a grandma.“ She sniffled a little and even asked Louis for permission before stroking his rounded stomach as well, the tears finally making their ways over her cheeks. “I can’t believe it. A baby!“

Harry leaned forward to press another kiss to his mum’s wet cheek. “We really are sorry. But we have some explaining to do and hopefully you won’t be too disappointed after. Not telling you sooner hasn't anything to do with either of you, okay?“ He assured his mum and sister once more.

“Don’t stress over it, Haz. We know you did not not tell us out of spite,“ Gemma said, back on her seat and sipping on her cup of tea. 

“Before we come to all the hard facts I want to know all about my grandchild, though,“ Anne interrupted, wiping away her tears with a handkerchief and sinking back into her armchair. “How far along are you anyway, honey?“ She looked at Louis with the warmth he was used from her and he exhaled in silent relief. Knowing that she wasn't mad calmed him down greatly and he felt finally able to sink back relax.

“Well,“ he started off, his hands automatically coming to rest upon his belly. “I’m almost six moths along now, like, I think about five moths, three weeks and a few days to be exact to some extent. The baby is healthy, or that’s what the doctor told us at least. Everything’s developing just fine. We’ve heard the heartbeat and it sounds really strong, I think the Little One will be a feisty thing. And — it’s a baby boy,“ he added lastly, with a small smirk directed at Harry. If Harry took the freedom to tell Louis’ mum, Louis felt it only his right to tell Harry’s mum.

“I’m going to have a nephew, fucking hell,“ Gemma yelped all of a sudden, nearly sloshing her tea all over herself and the armchair she’s slouching in. “I’m going to spoil him rotten.“

Anne laughed at that, as did Harry and Louis. “I think he won’t miss a thing growing up. How could he, when he is born into the two best families out there?“ She agreed jokingly.

Harry began to talk again, since the atmosphere was relaxed and jolly then. Louis squeezed his hand encouragingly, because he knew that going deeper into the topic and actually revealing to his family what problems he and Louis have had in the last half year couldn't be easy for him. They deserved to know the truth about all of it, though, that’s what Harry and Louis had decided days ago. Louis’ family knew the whole story, so Anne, Gemma and later on Robin as well should, too.

It wasn't easy, obviously, all this talk about secrets and miscommunication and cheating, of everything that had gone wrong for them. He could detect the sorrow in Anne’s eyes and Gemma’s appal in the way she pressed her hands to her chest.    
They got it over with, though, Louis stepping in whenever Harry couldn't continue or didn't know how, and in the end Louis felt like it wasn't only good for Anne and Gemma to know the truth — it was also good for Harry and Louis’ relationship to have it all out there once again. To get it off their chests. Louis, at least, felt that it was only beneficial in their process to work past it. 

\- - -

They stayed at Anne and Robins’ house for four nights, enjoying their days walking through the quaint town or tanning in the backyard (even though louis preferred to keep his shirts on, not at all comfortable with his round belly out for someone to see) and homemade dinners courtesy of Anne or Harry every evening. It was a nice time, especially because Gemma was staying, too, and Louis always got along with her more than great. She was like a funny, sarcastic older sister to him and he adored her.

He couldn't deny feeling sad when Harry started the car on Thursday morning, pulling out of the driveway carefully while Louis was busy waving goodbye to Anne and Robin. Gemma had left that morning, but Louis had decided he wanted to stay for lunch, so they did. 

Harry was putting on some playlist he put together himself, full of his indie music stuff, bands and songs Louis had never heard before. It was easy to listen too, though, so Louis rested his head against his seat and let his eyes fall shut for an afternoon nap.

They arrived at Louis’ house around four in the afternoon and it took them both a while to get out of the car and into the house, Harry insisting on carrying Louis’ duffle bag inside. Louis sure as hell wasn't complaining about it.

“I’m going to make some tea,“ he said when Harry took the stairs up.

“I’ll be right down, love.“

Ten minutes later they settled in the living room, the TV that had finally been hooked to the wall playing some football game. Louis would normally be all over it, but he honestly hadn't kept up with the results for such a long time that he was slightly lost.

When Harry sat down, he turned towards Louis and held out a peach yoghurt for him to take. Louis only stared at it unwillingly. 

“Come on, Lou, you know you've got to eat balanced diet and you are lacking in the dairy department,“ Harry tried to convince him, even opening the lid of the cup for him and handing over a spoon.

“I don't even like peach flavoured yoghurt,“ Louis said grumpily, but eventually he gave in and took the cup and spoon from Harry’s hands.

“Why did you buy it when you don't like it? I clearly remember how you put, like, four cups in the cart at Tesco’s,“ Harry said exasperatedly. 

Louis rolled his eyes. “Well, that clearly wasn't my decision but your son’s. He must’ve had a craving for them. I don’t.“

Harry openly laughed at that and it made Louis huff.

“Just eat it and I’ll — I’ll reward you,“ Harry tempted him with a smirk.

“Reward me in which way?“ Louis wanted to know, but he dipped the spoon in the yoghurt without waiting for the answer. 

Harry winked at him. “You’ll have to eat and see, love.“

Louis could practically feel his face heat up, so he turned away from Harry and stared at the flatscreen as if he were totally invested in the game. He ate the yoghurt, but only slowly and fighting every single, unpleasant bite. He would never again buy peach flavour, it was fucking disgusting. Cravings be damned!

Later, when the yoghurt was long gone and their tea mugs mostly empty, Louis was leaning against Harry’s chest and let the voices from the TV wash over him. There was a question lying on the tip of his tongue, but he wasn't sure if he should actually utter it. He felt stupid, wasting so many thoughts on it. 

“Harry?“, he finally murmured anyway. He waited for Harry’s responding hum, a sign that he was listening. “Just — Can you tell me where we stand? Like, with each other?“

It took a beat before Harry answered. “How do you mean that?“

Louis sighed, his hands fiddling with each other. “I don't — I just — Are we dating? Are you my — boyfriend still? Or, again?“

He felt how Harry moved behind him, then felt Harry’s hands on his shoulders, turning him around. He didn't dare to actually look up into Harry’s eyes, feeling embarrassed and unsure with pink cheeks. “Of course I’m your boyfriend. Always have been and always will be. Or, well, at least until we marry or whatever. Is that — is that not what you want?“

Louis ignored how his breath hitched at Harry speaking so casually about marrying him, and instead shook his head. Then nodded, confused. “Yes, no, of course I want you to be my boyfriend. Just wanted to check if we’re on the same page, I guess.“ He shrugged.

Harry grinned brightly when Louis finally looked at him. “We certainly are, Lou.“ He leaned in to kiss him, then, not as short and sweet like he had done over the last few days at Anne’s, but with intent and fever, relentlessly until Louis opened up his mouth to grant Harry’s tongue access. It wasn't the most heated make-out session that they’d had in the last few weeks, but it was enough to make Louis’ chest heave with his rapid breathing and his fingers shake. 

“I’m glad,“ Louis exhaled when Harry withdrew a little. 

“Me too,“ Harry responded without missing a second. “I love you, Lou. I’m so in love with you.“

Louis smiled at that, open and honest and pure. “Well, if you love me, are you going to finish what you started?“ 

Harry’s smirk in return was positively dirty. “What did I start?“ He asked innocently, but the evil glimmer in his eyes betrayed him.

Bravely, Louis snatched Harry’s hand and pressed it against his groin. It must be the hormones giving him the guts to act like this, since he wasn't typically so brash about all things sexual. Harry had always been the forward one. “As if you don't know. And anyway, I was promised a reward for eating my yoghurt, after all.“ Letting Harry’s hand slip away, he got up from the sofa and walked towards the staircase. He threw a cheeky grin over his shoulder.

“That you were indeed,“ Harry agreed, green eyes wider than they had been minutes ago, and a moment later he was chasing Louis up the stairs.

\- - -


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii!
> 
> Welcome back for the next chapter. Some stuff is happening and, as always, I hope you'll like it.
> 
> Also, this week I had an idea for a new story and I'm pretty excited about it. It's gonna be A/B/O and I'm insecure about it already, but whatever, aha. I'll finish this story first though, since I don't want to be slacking with it and all. As I said, it won't be that much longer.
> 
> Lastly, some of you asked for my tumblr before or found it on my bio, and I wanted to inform you that I'm not really active on that one anymore, for various reasons, like, I just don't feel really comfortable there anymore because some people I know irl know of it and I feel like I can't be myself there anymore. So, I created a new tumblr a while ago, anyone interested can check that one out or whatever or not. (I don't know how to do a link, haha, it's: _obviouslybecauselarry.tumblr.com_ )
> 
> Anyway, enough with the talking!
> 
> Enjoy reading please,  
> Julia x

Louis had spent hours on the phone with Zayn, had called him day after day for weeks now, talking about one specific topic that was occupying his mind like no other. Thing is, he needed reassurance, needed to know if he made the right decision. He had asked his mum about it as well, and she had been all for it, but it wasn't that easy for Louis. He could rely on Zayn, of course, because he could always rely on Zayn to provide a different point of view, a different opinion. Zayn was always the one showing him a different side to a problem, asking and prodding and making Louis scrutinise everything into the last detail. And that was what he needed to do here.

In the end it still had to be Louis, and Louis alone, who had to make the finally decision. He was just so … incredibly unsure. Everything up to this point had been too easy, too nice, too safe. He didn't want things to blow up in his face. He didn't want to regret anything. He feared that he may, with this decision. 

But then there was his heart. And his heart wanted nothing more than for Harry to officially move in with Louis, full stop. If only his mind wouldn't readily provide him with images of each and every thing that could go wrong in the long run, devastating scenario after another. 

He knew there were risks, because there always were risks with everything in life. Normally, Louis wasn't one to shy away.

This house had supposed to be his home, though, his home for himself and his little boy. Now, with Harry back in the picture, with Harry more loving and caring and wonderful than he had been in months, Louis felt like rethinking this whole plan was a good idea. 

He wanted Harry. Always, always Harry. And with Louis, in this house, too. He wanted Harry by his side, wanted for them to watch their Little Boy grow up together, wanted the three of them to be a real and true and close-knit family. And for all this, Louis couldn't see another way than Harry moving in. 

He knew he was overthinking everything, as he was so often. He wished he could help himself, but he figured when it came down to Harry he would always remain some kind of nutcase. 

\- - - 

He asked Harry anyway, ignoring all lingering doubts and uncertainties. It took until the end of September for Louis to make up his mind completely, but once he did, he never second-guessed his decision. 

Harry was cooking dinner in his underwear the evening Louis’ decided to go for it, a habit he’d developed as a sixteen year old and would apparently never lose. Louis had scolded him often enough about how dangerous it was, but since he himself mostly forwent cooking he probably hadn't a say in Harry’s cooking attire. 

“What are you making?“ Louis asked over the sound of the radio blaring some pop song that Harry was animatedly dancing along to. 

There was no sign of shame on Harry’s features when he turned to face Louis, eyes crinkled with his smile. “Fajitas,“ he replied, before singing the bridge of the song at the top of his lungs.

Louis couldn't help but giggle at how absurdly enchanting Harry was at times, one hand firmly placed on top of his large tummy where their little boy was squirming happily. “How much longer, then? Your son is starving.“

Harry snorted. “Shut up, Lou. Stop blaming my son every time you feel hungry, it’s not nice.“

Louis stuck out his tongue at Harry’s back, walking over to the kitchen cupboards to get out two plates and glasses, then opening a drawer near the stove to get out cutlery. 

“It’ll only take five more minutes or so,“ Harry answered randomly when Louis began to set the table which had been placed near the patio doors. Louis liked the view it provided over the garden and also the light that was at all times during the day illuminating the area, so they didn’t have to eat in dimness or in the artificial light coming from the ceiling lamp. Louis felt like he made a good decision with the table, anyway.

“Do you want a beer or something? Wine?“ He asked Harry when he made his way over to the fridge to get a bottle of water for himself out. 

Harry shook his head, busily stirring the meat in the pan. “Whatever you’re having is good,“ he declined. 

Louis shrugged. He wouldn't mind if Harry had a bit of alcohol every now and then. He wasn't the pregnant one, after all, and Louis wouldn't begrudge him a drink. Hell, he would drink if Harry would be the pregnant one, that was for damn sure. He missed beer.

“Dr. Morgan just called,“ Louis said as he put the bottle of water on the table, then carried over the vegetables Harry had cut beforehand to set down, too. 

“Oh?“ Harry asked, turning off the oven and shaking the pan one last time, getting a coaster from the cupboard next to him and carrying everything over to the table, where he placed everything with care. 

Louis took a seat, his stomach growling at the yummy smells that were invading his nostrils. “Mh,“ he hummed, snatching a warmed up wheat tortilla from a separate plate and packing loads of meat onto it. “He gave me some information about the birth and stuff. Since I’m not scheduled for another appointment for some time yet and he thought I might have some questions.“

“So, tell me“ Harry requested, his hands already folding up his fajita which was filled with cheese and all the vegetables available. 

“Well, he said I’ll have the C-section in my 37th week, which is, like, the usual time to bring the baby into the world when you're a male or whatever. It will be the middle of December then, a week or so before my birthday.“ Louis stopped and smiled at that. To have his son healthy and happy in his arms by the time he himself would turn 24, and for Christmas, too, would be a pretty awesome thing indeed. “In Dr. Morgan’s opinion, since there are have been no complications with my pregnancy so far, I should easily be able to carry this long without pre-term labour starting up or anything. If I ever feel any pain, though, I’m supposed to call and consult him about it. Um, he wanted to know if I wished for a special room in the clinic, like a suite or something, but I told him anything was fine. I’m not planning on spending more than a few days there anywhere. And that was it, really, I guess. Told me a bit about the procedure, like, you're allowed in the theatre with me and I’ll be awake but numb from the tummy down and so on. Nothing unexpected.“

Harry nodded along attentively to Louis’ words, chewing on his fajita. He swallowed. “That sounds simple. I’m sure we’ll make it those last few weeks just fine, won’t we.“

“Easy for you to say,“ Louis scoffed, but there was no heat behind it. 

They ate in silence for a while, but Louis couldn't really enjoy the food, knowing there was something else he wanted to say to Harry. It just took him a while to find his courage.

“Don’t you like the food?“ Harry asked then, apparently catching onto Louis picking on his fajita. There was a sad little frown on his face, which made Louis feel terrible instantly.

“Of course I do. There’s just,“ He cleared his throat. “There is something I wanted to ask you and I’m trying to find the words.“ He took a bite, then, because after all he was pretty hungry and also, it was a great way to stall. 

Harry looked at him with furrowed brows, taking his glass of water and gulping down half of it in one go. “What is it?“ He inquired when Louis didn't continue.

“I’m — I — please tell me if I’m going to fast for you, okay? I know we said we’d take our time, so I’d totally understand if this was just too soon. You don't have to say yes or — or anything, really, it’s just. The thought has crossed my mind for weeks now and I fear I’ll go mental if I’m not coming out with it already.“ He stopped, taking a deep breathe and brought himself to meet Harry’s curious green eyes straight-on. “Do you — do you want to move in? Here? With me and eventually the baby, I mean?“

There was a beat of silence and it was a beat too long for Louis. He felt panicky, hands growing clammy. “Like, you’re practically living here anyway. You’ve only left for a few days since you came here that day in August and I — I just felt like it would be nice, you know? Us living together, again. Really together. And with the baby — I thought maybe you’d want to, it would be easier for you to be always around him if you just were here every day anyway, you know. It —“ Louis knew he was rambling, stumbling over his words in his haste to get them out, not even thinking anymore about what he was saying.

The growing smirk on Harry’s lips told him he needed to shut up and calm down. He buried his head in his hands for a moment, taking a breath.

“Can’t say I was expecting that, to be honest,“ Harry said finally, voice deep and full of mirth, apparently amused with Louis’ stutter-y mess of a proposal. “I don't know why you're freaking out about it, Lou, you should know that my answer to this question would only ever be yes.“

Louis looked up at Harry through his lashes. “Really?“

“Really, really,“ Harry responded. His expression was pure bliss and it was quite like Louis’ felt inside.

He had the feeling his life was turning out to be to good to be true.

\- - -

It was Harry’s suggestion to invite Liam, Niall and Zayn over to the house, their house now, and Louis was immediately aboard with the idea. He hadn't actually seen Liam and Niall since the last concert of the OTRA tour, which had been months ago, and he absolutely missed Zayn as well. Zayn, who he never went baby shopping with, come to think of, because after Harry showed up all those weeks ago at his front door everything had spiralled a little out of control. He had pretty regular contact with all three boys, but there was a difference between messages and phone calls and the real thing, wasn't there?

They decided on a Friday evening as a date, which fit all of them nicely, with Niall being in England and not in Ireland for a change and Liam returning from his trip to the Bahamas with Sophia just in time. Zayn was in Bradford with his family still, fully enjoying his time-out from being a young, hot and famous pop-star, and therefore wouldn't have any trouble making his way to Donny for the day either. 

Louis was a bit all over the place, busy getting everything ready. He wanted the house to be in perfect shape and form, all clean and put together and homey and nice. Of course, with Harry in the process of moving in there was no way to avoid a little chaos here and there. Generally, Louis wouldn't mind. Now, though, he just wanted everything to be perfect.

“I don't know why you're stressing out about this so much,“ Harry muttered into the crown of Louis’ head on Thursday evening while they were standing by the large living room windows, staring into the back garden. Louis felt calmer, now, with his back pressed firmly against Harry’s front and Harry’s arms encircling his belly. “You’re not normally so concerned about a clean house.“ There was a slight smirk audible in Harry’s words and Louis didn't like it, feeling a bit hysterical and all.

“Well, normally I’m also not preparing for a baby. I just — I don't want them to think I can’t get my shit together now that there is the Little One on the way. I don't want them to think I’m still such a mess, perpetually drinking and smoking and slacking off. I can be a good father, I can be responsible and punctual and neat. I can make a good home for the baby.“ His voice was higher than usual and he cleared his throat, embarrassed and with pink stained cheeks. 

“What the —?“ Harry’s hands wandered to his shoulders, then, gently turning Louis to face him. “Where is all this coming from? Lou, it’s Niall, Liam and Zayn coming over, not the Child Protection Service or whatever. And even if it were them, they wouldn't have anything to complain about. Look at this place.“ Harry made a sweeping gesture with his right hand, but Louis focused on his own two feet instead. “Everything is fucking wonderful around here, Lou. You have created a beautiful nursery, we have all of the furniture for the baby and, well, we’ll go shopping for essentials soon enough. Everything here is tidy, there is nothing that could be harmful or dangerous for our son. I don't know why you're so insecure about your qualities as a parent. So far, everything you did with this house, it’s incredible. And I know once the Little One will be here, you’ll be an amazing, loving, caring papa.“ To finish of his words, Harry leaned down to kiss Louis’ nose, then his mouth, short and sweet. Lastly, he got to his knees and kissed Louis’ tummy as well. 

Louis couldn't explain why there were tears gathering in his eyes, but he didn't bother to waste his thoughts on it. He was so fucking glad that Harry was here, and here to stay. 

“You’re probably right. I’m overreacting. I just can’t help it,“ Louis mumbled eventually, shrugging and getting onto his knees as well so he could hug Harry and bury his head into his shoulder.

“That’s okay, sweetheart. Everything’s okay.“ Harry kissed the side of his neck and Louis sighed, sagging against him a bit more.

\- - -

They decided to make a day out of it. So, instead of just spending the evening together over dinner, the lads would arrive for lunch already and then they’d go from there. Louis was excited as he showered in the morning, was excited as he scarfed down the breakfast of Eggs and Bacon Harry had cooked for him, was very fucking excited when the doorbell finally rang and he had to heave himself of the sofa where he was lazing around while Harry was preparing their lunch.

He felt a bit bad for not helping Harry out more in the kitchen, but honestly, it had always been this way with them. Harry was just a talented cook and Louis, Louis was rather hopeless, so. It probably saved both of them time and trouble if Louis just kept out of the kitchen, honestly. 

It didn't matter in that moment anyway, since Louis was to busy near-waddling to the door to let their first guest in, who turned out to be Liam.

“Fuck, you’ve gotten big,“ were the first words out of the boy’s mouth as his eyes wandered down Louis’ body. Then, a smile captured his lips and he was pulling Louis in close, kissing his cheek and hugging him tightly.

“Thanks, Li,“ Louis answered, sarcastically but silently pleased. He exhaled a slow breath against Liam’s broad chest. “I missed you.“

“Missed you, too, you little terror,“ Liam responded, letting go of Louis and stepping over the threshold with bright, curious eyes. “Well, well, this looks nice. Show me around the rest of your humble abode, won’t you?“

And after a quick stop in the kitchen so Liam could say his hellos to Harry, Louis did. He did the tour twice more, for both Niall and Zayn, since the latter insisted he wanted to see the house in its final form as well. 

When Louis opened the door to his (and Harry’s) bedroom for Zayn, the boy nodded, seemingly pleased. “Much better than last time,“ he commended, a twinkle in his eyes and a smile on his lips as his eyes grazed over all the things that were so obviously Harry in the room. The paintings hanging on the walls, the cameras placed with care on newly attached shelves, a weird sculpture sitting on the window sill, the colourful curtains framing the windows and of course the stacks of books with titles that Louis would never even touch. 

This time around, Louis actually understood what Zayn had meant before when he told Louis that the room appeared unfinished. It was a whole different story now. It wasn't just a room now, it was his and Harry’s space. It was theirs and it was entirely them and it was rather fantastic, if Louis said so himself.

\- - -

The spent the day catching up, mostly, lounging on the living room sofas and armchairs, drinking tea and eating biscuits, later on switching to wine, beer and some crisps. Louis forwent the alcohol, obviously, and had to almost beg for Harry to have a fucking drink with the boys and assure him a million times over that he wouldn't feel left out. The flatscreen TV was playing various movies and shows in the background, but no one bothered to actually watch what’s on.

It’s nice, Louis thinks. They hadn't done this since he left the US so abruptly after their last concert there, his last concert in general, and it felt pretty good to just enjoy the lads company once again. It was always funny with the five of them, their personalities so different and, weirdly, so in accordance with one another anyway when they got together. There was always something to talk or joke or reminiscent about. Louis felt warm and relaxed, cuddled up in Harry’s arms and with his feet in Zayn’s lap.

Obviously, the baby was a reoccurring topic of conversation. Especially Niall was always up and out of his seat when Louis randomly inserts how the Little One was kicking him, eager to feel Louis’ belly time and time again. It was not like Louis minded. He felt a bit emotional, really, that all the boys were so invested in the baby, so onboard with it all, so full of anticipation to meet his and Harry’s son. 

Around seven o’ clock Harry began to prepare dinner, with Liam willingly agreeing to help him out with the cutting of veggies and the setting of the table. Louis took a sip of his cold herbal tea, before getting up to use the loo, leaving Zayn and Niall to set up the Playstation for a round of FIFA before they would sit down to eat. 

It was to this moment that Louis would look back on later, remembering how he had felt fine and rested and joyous throughout the whole day and throughout the evening, too. Which is why he couldn't understand how everything had to end on such a bad note …

Harry had, in true Harry fashion, assembled a brilliant and tasteful menu, starting of with pumpkin soup, which incidentally was Louis’ and baby’s favourite at the moment, and continuing with a main course of steak, roasted potatoes and asparagus, with different salads to choose from on the side. He topped it all off with some homemade Tiramisu, telling everyone how he forwent the alcohol and also found a recipe where he wouldn't have to use raw eggs, since both of this would have made the dessert inedible for Louis.

Louis was only getting up from the kitchen table once to get himself some ice cream as a treat, because he felt like it and he was pregnant and he wouldn't allow anyone to judge him for it, thank you very much. It was then that a sudden bout of dizziness made the sight before his eyes fuzzy. In a split second his knees were trembling and his stomach was churning, just as if getting ready to vomit everything up that Louis had just eaten. Heat was taking over him and he felt how he broke out in cold sweat at the same time. This was all too familiar and Louis’ heart clenched. 

He tried to open his mouth, to say something, ask for help, but he couldn’t get a single word out. Everything went down too fast for him to act or react in any way. He reached out to grab onto something; anything close to him, anything that would give him hold. There was the kitchen counter, but he missed it by miles.

The next thing he knew, he was on his backside on the ground with his head pounding and his eyes slipping shut without his consent. There was worried yelling to be heard suddenly, a tangle of hectic voices and screeching chairs on wooden flooring, but it all seemed to grow farther and farther away from Louis … and then he sank into unconsciousness. 

\- - -

He wasn't as surprised to wake up in a room in the private clinic as he maybe should have been, but that didn't mean he felt any less displeased about it all. His eyes were heavy and he felt exhausted, but there was too much going on in his mind for him to actually sink back into the pillows and fall asleep again.

The room was dark, except for what appeared to be a small nightlight next to the door. Of course it must be the middle of the night, because it always had to be the middle of the night when Louis chose to wake up.

But, fuck, he needed to know what was going on. 

Was — was his baby okay? 

Fuck!

He fell, didn't he? He fell in the kitchen, was on the floor from one moment to the next and with nothing to soften the blow of his going down. 

Panic started to rise in his chest, choked him in a vicelike grip as he fought to sit up straighter. He noticed there was an IV tube attached to his left arm, pumping liquid into his veins. His right hand was on his baby bump in record time, though, and he wished for nothing more than that his Little One would kick right now, to send a sign that he was still good and well in there. 

There was nothing, though.

Louis could cry, he felt so distraught with it all. Where was Harry? Where was a doctor? Why wasn't anyone here to tell him what was going on? Why wasn't anyone here to tell him if his baby was still alive?

His heart rate was picking up, the monitor he was apparently attached to giving off increasingly louder and faster beeps. Louis wanted to call the nurse, but he had no idea where the stupid buzzer-thingy was located. 

There was no need for it, in the end, because half a minute later the door opened and a young man in a light blue uniform bustled inside. He turned on a dim light, which Louis was grateful for, and came over towards the bed with a calming smile on his lips.

“Hello, Mr. Tomlinson. I need you to please take some deep breaths, okay? There is no need to worry, and it’s important that your heart rate isn't as high as it is right now.“

Louis stared at the man with wide eyes. “No need to worry?“ he echoed. “I’m in a fucking hospital room, attached to IV’s and whatnot, while heavily pregnant. How can you tell me not to worry?“ His voice was rough and fragile and before he knew it, he was in tears, his next word barely understandable. “What’s going on? Is my baby okay? Tell me! Did I — did I hurt him? Please, say something. Fuck!“

Closing his eyes, Louis let out a helpless sob and sank back into the pillows, turning his head away from the male nurse who seemed to be at a loss for words. Of course, Louis thought bitterly, breathing rapidly, nurses weren't allowed to give out any kind of information or diagnoses, were they? 

This wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. He just wanted to know if his baby was all right.

“The doctor will be here in a bit,“ was all the man said, fumbling around with the heart monitor and taking Louis’ temperature. Louis let him do as he wanted, feeling too desperate to care.

“I want Harry,“ he pressed out in between hiccuping gasps, then proceeded to press his face deep into his pillow. He might as well smother himself if he hurt his baby in any way.

He heard the nurse utter a reply, but didn't actually listen enough to catch what it was. The door closed a moment later, though, and Louis felt how he was alone again, left with his breaking heart and worry-stricken mind. 

Did this mean bad news? If the nurse wouldn't tell him? It must be, mustn't it? 

The door flew open with a thump just as Louis was contemplating throwing himself out of the window if there should indeed be something wrong with his baby.   “Lou,“ a familiar deep voice croaked out. Louis nearly shot out of the bed, only realising that he was still attached to the IV when he felt a painful tug in his arm. Still, he was sitting up as best as he could, turned towards Harry, who looked just as bad as Louis felt, with red-rimmed eyes and pale cheeks.

“Oh, darling,“ Harry whispered as hastily he closed the last centimetres dividing them, pressing his cool lips all over Louis’ face, kissing his tears away as his hands came to steady Louis by his waist. “I’m so glad you're awake. I was going out of my mind.“

Louis sobbed. “Is the baby okay?“ His voice was even weaker now than it had been before with the nurse, his incessant crying making it worse by the minute.

Harry leaned back from where he was half-hanging over Louis in the hospital bed. He nodded and it might be the most reliving, wonderful, life-giving thing Louis has ever seen. It wasn't quite enough to convince him, though. “He is just fine. Was a bit shaken before, Dr. Morgan told me, but his heartbeat is as strong as ever and when they did an ultrasound scan there wasn't anything amiss!“

Louis stared at Harry with watery eyes. “Are you — are you sure? He hasn't kicked — he — I — I hurt him,“ he whispered, his sobs quieting down, his voice almost gone with them. His heart was still beating too fast, his hands felt cold and clammy. 

The expression on Harry’s face was heartbreaking. “No! No, Louis, you didn't hurt him. And this wasn't your fault,“ he replied, quietly, taking Louis hand in his larger one and squeezing it tightly.

“How can you say this?“ Louis sniffed out, unbelieving. His eyes must be having a wild look to them. If he had felt exhausted before, he felt absolutely bone-tired now, just like the crying took every ounce of energy he had had left and squashed it. “My stupid body — it’s my stupid body that isn't — isn't strong enough. I just — I want to keep him safe. Why can’t I?“

There were tears welling up in Harry’s distressed eyes as well now, and it left Louis even more shaken. He felt like breaking apart. “You did, Lou, you did keep him safe,“ Harry promised, his words strong although he looked so terribly fragile. “When you — when you fell, fainted, you — you didn't fall on your tummy. You fell on your back, just as if — as if you knew you had to, so you wouldn't squish the baby. I mean,“ Harry moved his head a little helplessly, swallowing. “Even when your body was giving out on you, your brain — it seemed to know how to go down, how to protect our son as best as possible. Lou, please, please don't blame yourself, my darling.“

Louis wished it was as easy as that. He still fell in the first place, though, his body still gave out, his muscles and bones and tendons to weak to hold him up. And that was the problem. He felt so disappointed in himself and only Harry assuring him that their son was actually fine was what stopped him from actively hating himself. At least for the time being …

He felt sluggish now, like collapsing all over again, and only then did he realise that most of his weight rested on Harry, who was still standing in an awkward angle next and over him. His head started to hurt more with every waking moment.

“I’m so tired,“ he mumbled, his eyelids fluttering. It took enormous effort to keep them open and seeing.

“Lie down, then, and sleep for a little longer. It’s the middle of the night anyway,“ Harry said softly, helping Louis to settle into the hospital bed once more and pulling the blankets up so they were covering Louis fully. 

“Don’t go, please,“ were Louis’ last slurred out words and he could swear he heard Harry respond with a solemn “Never“, but maybe he was asleep and dreaming again by then.

\- - -

The next time he woke up to a tray of breakfast on his side table and Harry sleeping with his head resting on Louis’ blanket-covered legs, not far from his tummy. The room was quiet, the IV and heart monitor gone. The late September sun was lighting up the room and …

There was movement in his belly. 

Louis’ eyes flickered towards the rounded middle of his body, wide and hopeful, his hands pressing down on the bump instantly. 

It was definitely there, and just as strong and feisty and fierce as ever.

His boy was kicking. 

And of course there were tears in Louis’ eyes, but this time from pure bliss and relief, the smile on his lips so wide it got nearly painful. It was as if he’d never been happy before, because he was so elated and thankful and breathless from joy that it felt all a bit too much.

He ignored his breakfast, ignored his need for a pee, ignored Harry’s slight snoring, too invested in staring at his tummy, in savouring every little squirm and jump and kick and wiggle he could feel inside and out. He begged and prayed that his little boy would never get in harm’s way again just because Louis’ body was failing to be a good enough protection shell. 

Harry woke up eventually, and he raised his head to reveal a pillow-creased cheek and dark shadows under his eyes. He looked worn out and had to stretch himself several times, probably to get the tension out of his neck and back. 

Still, the first thing he did was ask after Louis’ well-being.

“I’m okay. Good, I think. He — he is moving again,“ Louis answered, the smile from before still etched on his face, with no need to force it there. He felt stronger and healthier and better already.

Harry’s returning grin was bright and light and made Louis’ heart skip a beat. “Really? I’m glad,“ he muttered, wasting no time when he placed his hands right next to Louis’ smaller ones on the rounded belly. They stared at each other as they felt their son making himself known again.

\- - -

Later, Harry forced Louis to eat his breakfast, not listing to all his complaints about how it was tasteless and soggy. “Just eat it, Lou,“ he replied, accompanied by several good-natured eye rolls and pretend-solemn stares.

Harry told him that Dr. Morgan had come by during the night after all, just like the male nurse had said he would, but Louis had been asleep by then. The doctor had apparently removed all machinery and the IV from Louis, then had palpated his tummy once more, in the end able to reassure Harry that the baby was doing just fine.

“He said we’d have to have a talk in the morning, though,“ Harry added eventually, his fingers stroking Louis’ arm gently. 

Louis grimaced. It wasn’t like he expected he could just go back home again without some sort of consultation beforehand. It would've been nice, though, to forgo all this earnest talk. 

There were two different nurses entering the room, taking Louis’ blood pressure and temperature and heart rate and shaking out his pillows, before Dr. Morgan finally arrived on his morning round. Louis was glad that he was the attending doctor, since the familiar face and warm smile Dr. Morgan displayed calmed him down massively.

“Good morning, Louis!“ he greeted. “Harry. How are the three of you this morning?“ He inquired, his twinkling gaze drifting to Louis’ baby bump.

“Well, I feel fine. And the Little One has been kicking me since I woke up — so I guess he’s fine for now, too,“ Louis replied carefully. Dr. Morgan was looking optimistic enough, but Louis wasn't convinced that anything was good yet.

Dr. Morgan nodded, taking the clipboard from the end of the bed to make some notes. “So, there are some things we should talk about. I’m sure I don't need to explain to you what exactly happened last night, Louis. You've had another syncope. The actual question is: why? You haven't had any in months and I think the both of us were pretty sure that you were through with them.“

Louis hummed in agreement. Dr. Morgan was expressing his thoughts exactly. Harry was sitting with a straight back and furrowed eyebrows at Louis’ side, but his grip on Louis’ hand was slack. It was then that Louis realised with a jolt that he and Harry still hadn't ever talked about the syncopes that had be an issue in the first months of Louis’ pregnancy. Great! He just had a feeling this day wouldn't be turning out all that great.

“Well, I think I mentioned before how syncopes could become an actual problem for some males and females in the last trimester of pregnancy. But since you had to deal with them in the beginning of yours it was highly unlikely that they would be an issue again now, towards the end,“ Dr. Morgan said, then sighed and observed Louis with a look that was almost pitiful. Louis’ guts burned with annoyance and sorrow. This wasn't fair. He just knew what the doctor was about to say and _it wasn’t fucking fair!_ “After last night I, of course, had the obvious suspicion that the syncopes may could become a problem again after all. I ran some blood tests, but there aren't any results that would give another reason for your latest unconsciousness. You are healthy and capable, it just seems like your body is a little overwhelmed with the pregnancy at this point in time, which results in the dizziness and fainting. I know the syncopes are annoying and hindering and require for you to take several steps back, but they aren't in any way constituting a harm to you or the baby, like I’ve told you before. Can you tell me how you've felt for the last few weeks, Louis?“

Louis swallowed heavily. “I’ve felt fine,“ he answered truthfully. “I just — I don't understand this. I drank lots of water and tea at all times, I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner every day, I didn't overwork or strain myself. I took care, I swear!“ He lowered his gaze. His hands found the hem of the blanket, fiddling with it bewilderedly. “Maybe — maybe I have been a little more tired over the last few days than I’ve been before, but I thought — I thought that would be normal, since, like, my tummy is growing every day and so of course it gets a little more challenging to do normal tasks, doesn't it? I didn't think it was something to be concerned about.“

Dr. Morgan nodded along as he took notes on his clipboard. Louis closed his eyes. Should he have said something? In retrospect, yes, probably, but — he hadn't considered his slightly more prominent exhaustion to be a sign of a nearing syncope. It hadn't been that bad, for fuck’s sake!

“Please don't go and blame yourself for anything that has happened, Louis,“ Dr. Morgan said, as if sensing Louis’ doubt, using the same words Harry had before. “I assure you, if you’d come to me and told me about your exhaustion I would've taken it as a typical pregnancy-related symptom as well. It’s unlikely that we could have prevented this syncope from happening.“

There was a beat of silence, then Harry cleared his throat and began to speak. “So, what happens now? What are we supposed to do to prevent it from happening again? Is there any medication?“ He sounded agitated.

Dr. Morgan shook his head with a sad little tilt to his mouth. “I’m afraid there isn’t, Harry. I’ve talked about the tests before, and there isn't actually anything wrong, you see? It’s not like Louis has any kind of vitamin deficiency or bad blood circulation, there isn't something amiss. Sometimes, the body just isn't as ready and prepared for the struggle that is a pregnancy. It is a huge strain, after all. What I want to say is, for one, that I can’t actually prescribe you anything against those syncopes. But I also want to make it very clear that none of this is your fault, Louis,“ Dr. Morgan explained, his eyes especially earnest with his last words. “I know many expectant parents tend to search for reasons why their body isn't handling the pregnancy as it should, why it isn't as easy for them as it is for others, but truth be told it doesn't mean you've done something wrong, do you understand that?“ 

Everything in Louis protested against the words, because no, fuck no, he didn't understand. He didn't understand why his body was such a bloody mess and why he wasn't strong enough to carry the baby. Still, he nodded, because it’s what was expected of him. What use would there be in a pointless discussion? 

“All right,“ Dr. Morgan continued, turning towards Harry again. “You asked what you could do. I know the both of you won’t like the answer to that question, but — the only thing Louis actually can do to protect himself and the baby as best as possible is to stay in bed for the next weeks and, if necessary, until the end of the pregnancy.“

Heavy silence settled over them and this time around no one was eager to break it. Louis was one word away from tearing out his own hair. Was all of this for real? Was Dr. Morgan actually expecting from him to spend the next ten fucking weeks in bed?

When Louis chanced a look at Harry the boy didn't look any less shocked at the statement. Louis’ bit his lip. Of course, Harry would be annoyed with this, too. Because, if Louis was supposed to rest for the next two and a half months that meant that Harry would have to do, well, everything. He would have to do all the cleaning, washing and general housekeeping, next to the cooking he was doing already anyway. Louis felt like such a burden and his bed rest hadn't even started yet.

“Isn’t there any other way?“ he therefore asked, voice pleading. His eyes travelled back over to Dr. Morgan, who cocked his head apologetically.

“Honestly, there really isn’t. Bed rest would be the safest option. That doesn't mean that you can’t leave the bed to use the toilet or shower, or eat at the kitchen table and so on. A little movement is still recommended. But, the important part is that you don't walk around and do all this stuff on your own. It also means that any and all strenuous activities have to be cut out entirely. Like, cooking and cleaning, for example. Things during which you have to move a lot, bend down and over and so on.“

Louis closed his eyes in defeat. 

“Of course if this is the only way Louis and the baby will be okay and out of harms way, that’s what we’ll do,“ Harry said somewhere next to Louis, voice confident. Louis couldn't tell where he took this willpower from.

“That’s what I like to hear,“ Dr. Morgan responded, the smile audible in his voice. 

Louis swallowed. He knew neither Harry nor Dr. Morgan could change the situation for him, he was sure they would if they could. But still, he couldn't help the anger that was bubbling in his veins. 

Why must everything suck so terribly? Just when he thought all of this would result in a happy ending for Harry and him, for their little family, another set of sticks and stones were thrown in front of their feet, in their way. It was fucking vile.

\- - -

Louis and Harry left the hospital an hour later, after another ultrasound scan that turned out to be a-okay. Louis’ had his release papers, signed and all. They took a taxi back to their house, since Louis had been picked up by the ambulance last night and Harry had accompanied him in the vehicle. 

Harry used the opportunity to ask about Louis’ previous syncopes and Louis could tell he was upset that Louis hadn't mentioned or explained them before. It would have been the right thing to do, Louis knew that, but he honestly hadn't thought much about them in the last few months since Harry had been back in his life. There was no need to, since they had stopped. He was glad that Harry didn't make a big deal out of it — probably because he knew that Louis was depressed with the whole situation as it was.

To Louis positive surprise all the boys were still around when they entered the house, apparently having slept over, waiting for Louis to return home again. They asked a ton of questions, but Louis chose to keep quiet and let Harry handle the talking. 

They settled on the sofa and Liam made a large teapot full of Louis’ herbal mixture for them all. There wasn't much to talk about, the mood rather dire, but Niall still tried out new and silly jokes to cheer them up and Zayn, in that sarcastic way of his, made fun of Niall for his bad humour. Eventually, Niall, Liam and Zayn left in the afternoon, each of them promising to call Louis and visit regularly so that he wouldn't die of boredom, holed up in his bed and waiting for the time to go by.

He really hoped they would keep those promises.

\- - -

His mum, Lottie and Fizzy had come over after dinner (which Louis had only picked at, much to Harry’s frustration) for a bit. They were every bit as concerned as everyone else, of course, fussing over him and urging him to go lie down and rest. Louis kicked them out half an hour after their arrival, pissed off and annoyed with everyone and everything.

He wanted nothing but go to bed and since he had to go up the stairs Harry insisted on leading him there. It was a nightmare, honestly. He felt like a doddery, old grandpa, not even able to walk to his own bedroom anymore. But he couldn't be mad with Harry, he couldn’t, because of course Harry only wanted for Louis and the baby to be safe. 

So, although it made him blush in embarrassment and helplessness, he let Harry help undress him, let Harry come with him into the shower to steady him, let Harry rest his hand on his hips when he brushed his teeth. It was too much, too much, too damn much, but there wasn't anything he could do about it, was there? Not if refusing Harry’s help meant he would put his baby in danger. There was literally nothing in the world he wanted less.

They were curled up around each other in bed, with the curtains drawn shut and the lights turned off before the clock was striking nine o’ clock. Louis’ head was resting on Harry’s chest and though he felt unsure about this kind of closeness right then, it was also exactly what he wanted and needed.

“I’m sorry I’m such a burden,“ Louis finally uttered the words that had been swirling through his mind since the morning. 

Harry, whose hands were drawing strange shapes and forms on Louis back in a peaceful manner, tipped his head down to throw Louis’ an unbelieving look. “Lou, please tell me you're not serious right now,“ he replied, voice earnest. “You aren’t a burden. Don't — don't think of yourself that way. You are carrying our baby and that is a fucking demanding job and you're giving it your all. Your body is exhausted and that’s okay. You — you are here, growing our baby to be healthy and strong and fierce, because he can’t do any of this on his own, and if I — if I can help you in any way or shape or form, be it by cooking for you every day for the next months or by helping you to the toilet or by doing whatever else you need me to do, then I’m so fucking glad about it. There isn't all that much that I can do to help your body, you know. I can’t switch with you, carry the Little One with me for a week to give you a break. But I can help you in other ways and I’d do it, do everything for you without a second thought. It’s the least that I can do, you know. Helping you when you can’t do it all on your own anymore.“

Louis sniffle into Harry’s chest was the only answer he could muster up for quite some time.

Later, though, he mumbled, “I’m so grateful that you're here. I don't know where I’d be, where the Little One would be without you.“

Harry’s body moved under Louis’ head, the sheets rustling slightly. There was a gentle kiss pressed to the top of Louis’ head. “We’ll never have to find out, darling. I’ll never leave. Never again, I promise. I love you so much.“

Louis’ hand searched for Harry’s under the blankets, so he could hold on tight before he fell asleep.

\- - -


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii guys!
> 
> So, here is the new chapter - it's also the last one before the epilogue and I really hope you like it, because I'm so unsure about it all. Baby will also get a name now and I'm unsure about it, hm. 
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is like 4000 words longer than all the others, so enjoy that, I guess.
> 
> Once again thanks so much to each and every one of you for reading and commenting and giving kudos and all, it meant and means so much to me and I kinda love you all!
> 
> Lastly, please end Babygate already.
> 
> Now enjoy reading,  
> Julia x

Louis was going _insane._ Rather quickly and rather surely, too.

He was in the middle of week three of his bed rest and he was ready to climb the walls. He wanted out, he wanted to move, he wanted to take a walk or kick a ball ‘round the garden. He wanted to do something, anything.

Instead, he was lying in bed, cuddled up with several blankets and a steaming hot cup of the on the night table that Harry had just put down minutes ago. His head was turned towards the windows, his eyes probably half-lidded and longing as he stared. 

The sky was grey and overcast and the tops of the trees he was able to see from his low position were red and brown, barely a spot of green visible anymore. It was so clearly autumn. 

Louis was pissed. He was tired and worn-out, and so pissed.

He actually really liked autumn. He enjoyed being outside to watch the world change. He enjoyed the first cool breezes nipping on his nose and hands, he enjoyed the brightly coloured leaves on the ground, he enjoyed wearing one of his mum’s hand knitted scarfs, he enjoyed the pumpkin-carving shortly before Halloween and lighting a nice fire on the especially windy days to make the house feel warm and comfortable. 

Harry was very adamant that Louis did nothing without supervision, though, which in conclusion led to Louis not being allowed to do much of anything, really. Harry didn't trust him around anything that could possibly harm him, which included sharp knives and lighters. He barely even got to switch on the kettle on his own.

It was fucking ridiculous and Louis had screamed and yelled and cursed at Harry more in the last few weeks than he had in the last years combined. Harry took it in stride, though, and somehow that made Louis even more furious. But only for a moment, for a split second. 

Because, in the end, Louis couldn't — he couldn't really be angry with Harry. Harry did his damn best to make this situation more bearable for Louis, to make him as happy and content as possible. He remained kind and gentle and smiley and beautiful as ever even when Louis locked him out of the bedroom or when he refused to strip in front of Harry so the boy could accompany him into the shower or when he spent the nights turned away from Harry on purpose.

Louis knew he didn't make it even slightly easier on Harry and he was sorry for it, he was, but he couldn't help himself. Being confined to the house, to this bed, to the boring routine of shitty reality TV, gossipy magazines and books that couldn't hold his attention for more than a few pages — it was hell. 

Of course, Harry made sure to take him outside. They walked through the garden, even up and down the street in front of the house, always close, always touching in some way or another, because Harry wanted Louis to be healthy, but he also wanted him to be safe 24/7. 

Louis got to inhale fresh air, got to close his eyes and let the wind swish through his unstyled hair. It was nice, but it wasn't what he needed. 

He wanted to run and jump, to swirl and be free.

He wanted his baby in his arms, and he wanted to be himself again.

It was an egoistic, selfish thought and he wanted to hit himself whenever it crossed his mind, but he couldn't help it.

What he hated most of all, though, was this: the fact that he actively realised just how weak he had gotten. Before his latest syncope he hadn't noticed, maybe because it hadn't been as pronounced and obvious then. But now — now he felt how he got exhausted after only an hour of being up and walking around, even with Harry’s permanent help. His body ached, and it seemed that it became worse with every passing day.

It was really hard to not despise himself for it all, to despise himself for being so unequipped, for being such a failure in carrying his very own baby.

He was constantly on edge, nowadays. He always felt how his breathing got heavier, how his body grew hotter and sweatier, how his sight got fuzzier, how his hands became shakier. He was so incredibly _frail_ and he was so fucking ashamed of himself.

This pregnancy was a mess and Louis’ hated it because it wasn’t supposed to be this way.

The door to the bedroom opened with a low creak and it effectively roused Louis from his self loathing mindset. Harry stood in the frame, the light from the hallway illuminating him from behind, making his skin seem paler and his eyes brighter, his curls an almost haunting contrast to it all. 

“You didn't drink your tea,“ he said, a disappointed note to his voice as he walked into the room and closed the door behind him.

Louis’ eyes wandered to the mug on the night table which had been steaming when he had last paid attention to it. He must have been proper lost in his thoughts, he mused. In an attempt to appease Harry he took the cup and emptied it in a handful of gulps, before setting it down again.

Harry didn't say anything for a while, just settled on the bed next to Louis, his feet hanging over the edge. He was tense, Louis noticed. 

“I’m sorry,“ he mumbled, feeling helpless. “I’m sorry I’m such a fuck-up and I’m sorry I’m making everything even more difficult than it already is.“

“No, Lou,“ Harry exhaled, shaking his head as well as he could with it pressed into the pillows. “You aren't a fuck-up and — well, yeah, you aren't all that easy but it’s not like I can blame you. We’re doing our best.“

Louis bit his bottom lip and didn't reply. He wouldn't know what to say anyway. There was, apart from all the annoyance and the pent up energy buzzing within him, a deeply rooted fear that consumed him day by day now and made going on with confidence and positivity so much harder. The thing is, he was so afraid that his situation would throw them right back — right back to the start of the year, right back to where they couldn't talk with one another, couldn't even look each other in the eye, where they were unable to love each other even though they both wanted to. Louis felt like dying just thinking about it, about how Harry might as well get fed-up with him right this second and leave. How he, Louis, after finally giving in and giving them a second chance, would end up right where he began: alone, afraid, in agony, heartbroken and overstrained. He didn't ever want to go through that again, he couldn't.

“What is it, Lou?“ Harry asked then, softly, probably reading Louis’ uneasiness in his eyes. His fingers slowly crawled their way across Louis’ baby bump. 

Louis closed his eyes. “What do you mean?“ He asked, evasively.

“There is something you're not telling me. But you can. You can always tell me everything, love.“

Swallowing, Louis blinked his eyes open again. The grey sky from before had turned darker, the season in it’s typical fashion cutting the days shorter. “I’m just — I’m so afraid you're going to leave me,“ he mumbled eventually, turning his entire body so he could face Harry. “I’m so afraid of being alone again.“

Harry’s eyes were wide and blank, his expression as if something had just shattered inside him. His warm hands searched for Louis’, enclosed them, squeezed them tightly. “I’m not going to leave. Nothing you could do or say now would make me leave,“ he said, tone solemn. “I know you can’t believe me, I know it’s hard for you and I can’t blame you. But if I have to, I’ll prove for the rest of my life how much I love you, how much I love our baby, and how much I want to be with you. With the both of you.“ He sighed, blinking his eyes to clear them of the gathering tears. “I wish you would understand, would realise, that there is virtually no place on this earth I’d rather be than right here with you. I know you’re insecure, I know you don't feel all too great at the moment, but that doesn't change anything for _me_. You are the most perfect boy, man — person I’ve ever met. And I’m so, so in love with you.“

Louis blinked down at Harry, his head bent at a slightly unpleasant angle, but insistent on meeting those green, green eyes straight on. “I don't know what I ever did to deserve you. How can you — how can you be so stupidly wonderful?“ He whispered.

Harry shook his head in return, a small laugh leaving his smiling mouth. “You got it all wrong, Lou. The question is; how did I ever deserve you? What good did I ever do that allows me to be here with you in this moment, after all the shit I’ve done and after how I screwed you over.“

“I don't think we come very far,“ Louis responded, feeling suddenly so relieved, relieved that Harry always found the right words, “if we go around claiming how we don't deserve each other. It doesn't matter anyway, does it? If we’re both in it for the long run.“

Nodding, Harry slid across the bedding and closer to Louis’ head. “True that,“ he hummed, before leaning forward and connecting their lips. The kiss started out innocently, just soft touches and calm breathing. 

Harry’s hands were on Louis’ body still, travelling from his hands over his wrists, up his arms and eventually coming to rest on Louis’ shoulders. It was funny, Louis thought, how Harry had always had the ability to make him feel small and even still could do it now, when Louis was so much larger, full of their baby. Not that he minded, really. It was so nice and reassuring to still fit into Harry’s hands, into Harry’s arms, even though his body was so different now from how it used to be.

Louis rolled back onto his back after a while, to out of breath to maintain lying on his side. Harry went with it, barely even interrupting their kiss as he repositioned himself over Louis, more kneeling than anything else, always careful to not put pressure of any kind on Louis’ tummy.

There was a broken moan falling from Louis’ lips as Harry’s own travelled across his cheek, and over his neck, sucking and nipping at the skin on his way to the sensitive spot behind Louis’ ear. “More,“ he practically whimpered, and he would be embarrassed of how fast he got turned on by this simple make out session if he didn't know that his hormones were all over the place because of the pregnancy and he was prone to feel more horny anyway. 

“Gladly,“ Harry murmured in return, his lips wandering towards Louis’ collarbone. There was a smirk so evident in his voice that Louis had to resist the urge to slap him ‘round the head. He didn't really want to, of course, because all of this was so much nicer. And he wanted more, wanted it all and wanted it now.

They stripped each other down carefully, tugging on each item of clothing individually, showering each bit of revealed skin in caresses and kisses, nips and bites. Louis was squirming and trembling all over, his legs falling apart without his conscious consent so Harry could nestle between them. They were entirely naked and sweaty and hot and shaking in each others arms, and they hadn't even really begun yet.

Louis couldn't help the nerves that wrecked his body at the prospect of what they were about to do, because the direction in which this was headed was pretty clear. 

He wasn't scared, wasn't unsure, wasn't even insecure about his body. He had been naked with Harry, had gotten off with him so often already since that day Harry had turned up on his doorstep and they had ended up in bed. Harry had touched him everywhere, kissed and bitten and licked him everywhere. But they hadn't done this, hadn't gone _all the way_ , as cheesy and childish as that sounded, since before Louis found out about the pregnancy. 

Which, wow! Louis hadn't had any really-real sex in over seven months and that was maybe, possibly a little bit scary after all.

His heart was beating hard and fast in his chest, undermining this thought.

Harry, sweet, loving, caring Harry, didn't take long to realise that Louis wasn't exactly with him anymore. “Lou, love,“ he started, his breath hot and heavy on Louis’ cheek. “We don't have to, you know we don't have to if you're not ready. You _know_ , right?“

Louis swallowed, nodded, blinked up at Harry. “I do know. But, I — I really want to,“ he got out, although shakily. Harry mustered him for another moment, serious, his nose crinkled up in that cute, dorky way of his. Then, he nodded as well.

“Just — go slow. It’s been so long,“ Louis added after a moment. He could feel the blush that was settling on his cheeks.

“Always,“ Harry promised, his eyes trustworthy, before he swooped down again, hovering close to Louis once more and kissing him, hungrily and determined. 

Louis would lie if he said he could remember everything that happened after that kiss clearly, because he definitely couldn’t. He couldn't retell anymore how Harry had opened him up with careful fingers and what felt like half a bottle of lube, only that he was taking so much time Louis thought he would end up insane before he ever reached his orgasm. He couldn't recall how Harry pushed into him, couldn't recall if it hurt and burned after all this time, but he did know how complete he felt with Harry all over him, Harry all around him, Harry in him, reclaiming him, taking what had always been his and always would be. He couldn't for the life of him come up with all the details, but he knew it had been one of the best nights of his life. He _knew_ that he fell even more in love with Harry and he _knew_ that this would never again change. 

Harry was the one for him. And he was so fucking okay with this, so fucking certain that he couldn't have made a better choice.

\- - - 

“Lou, come on, get up now. I have a surprise for you,“ Harry said, for the fourth time in as many minutes, but Louis just grumbled unwillingly into his pillow. There was an audible sigh from across the room and it actually made Louis sit halfway up.

“Normally you are glad when I stay in bed for most of the day. Why the sudden change of heart at nine fucking o’ clock in the morning, huh?“ He asked, glaring at Harry who was dressed up nicely in black skinny jeans and a flowy, flowery pinkish shirt. He looked delectable. 

Harry only rolled his eyes. “I told you it’s a surprise. Now get up before I change my mind _again_ and you're not leaving the bed after all.“ As if to emphasise his words, he claps his hands in this weirdly energetic way that stressed-out mum’s do. 

Louis snorted, but since he was awake now anyway and also a little interested (although he wouldn't admit to that) he pushed the blankets from his body and stretched. He knew he did it a little obscenely, but Harry’s reaction was all he wanted and also, it was worth it.

“Where are we going then? What am I supposed to wear?“

Harry clucked his tongue and walked over to the dresser, opening the first drawer and plucking out a pair of boxer briefs. “First of all, some underwear, please. We’re not going alone, sweetheart,“ he said and his eyes twinkled happily as he turned around again to throw the briefs into Louis’ lap.

Five minutes later, and with quite a bit of help from Harry, Louis was dressed in an oversized grey Adidas jumper and some dark skinny joggers that were comfortable on his bump, but didn't make him look like a total lazy slob.

“So pretty,“ Harry complimented with a wide smile on his lips. 

Louis glared, displeased. “Shut up!“ He fluffed up his hair and walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He wasn't all that turned on by the prospective of kissing Harry with morning breath and he wanted to kiss Harry as soon as possible, so.

Harry, of course, insisted on leading Louis down the stairs with a hand on his waist and another hand on his shoulder. It was all rather awkward and complicated, but Louis showed himself peaceful and complying after the short snogging session he just got back in the bedroom. 

To his utter surprise Zayn, Niall and Liam were standing at the bottom of the stairs. They all had grins plastered to their faces and rushed forward the moment Louis was off the last step. He found himself engulfed in a group hug before he had even had the chance to utter a ‘hello’. He received about half a dozen compliments on his nicely grown bump and on how healthy and refreshed and glowing he looked, and although he didn't believe a word of those lies, he still felt good about it.

“So, not to be rude, but what are all of you doing here? Is there something going on that I don’t know of?“ Louis asked finally, standing close to Harry once again, feeling steadier when the boy was close to him. 

“Well,“ Zayn began, “we thought, you know, since the two of us never got to go on that shopping trip that we had planned, like, months ago, we could make up for that now. Harry called us this week and asked if we had time to accompany you, since someone obviously needs to carry your bags, innit.“

Liam nodded along to Zayn’s words, while Niall was busy getting Louis’ shoes from the front door hallway and helping him into them. 

“And you — you don't think I’m to weak for that?“ Louis asked, touched that they were all here and ready to help him out with this, ready to make sure he has a good time, a good day out of bed.

It was Harry who answered. “Obviously, we can’t go shopping for hours on end, but we can at least buy a few things for the baby, and with all of us around to help you out when you need us to, there really shouldn't be a problem. Are you up for it?“ There was a short pause, in which Louis was only nodding in agreement. “Also, I called Dr. Morgan and checked this through with him.“

Louis cackled for a moment, before catching himself. “Of course you did, you big baby. Well, let’s not wait for me to tire myself out. I’m ready.“ He smiled brightly, then lowered his eyes to his feet, where Niall was busy tying up his shoelaces. “Thanks, Ni!“

“No problem, Lou. Come on then, need to find some Ireland-themed stuff for the Little One, don't we?“

\- - - 

Louis hadn't had this much fun in ages, honestly. They went to the one Doncaster’s shopping centre that actually had two baby stores, something that Liam, prepared as he always was, figured out beforehand.

As soon as Louis entered the first store he realised how little they actually had at home for their baby. Like, of course, they had a cot and a changing table and wardrobe, but what use was all of this when they hadn't blankets and nappies and clothes to fill it all with? 

He was in his fucking element right away. Shopping had never been his thing, per se, but this dreamworld of baby stuff made his heart jump in excitement. He clutched onto Zayn’s arms, with Niall right behind him, while Harry and Liam walked to the back of the store in search of a nice pram. Louis was more interested in essentials. He loved baby clothing and was pretty sure half of Ernie and Dottie’s closet was all the shit he bought and sent to them from all around the world.

Niall was just as enthusiastic as Louis was when it came to clothing, apparently, and the both of them had a field day picking out quirky little hats, brightly coloured onesies, tiny little socks and shoes. Niall put every item that had a shamrock printed onto it in his basket. At Zayn’s repeated snorting noises he finally exclaimed: “What? I’m going to pay for them myself, just shut your mouth, Malik.“

Louis himself picked up every striped item his eyes fell on, just because he knew his boy would look dashing in stripes and it reminded him of nice times, but he also didn't miss out on the Adidas Babies display that was set up near the checkout counter. There were so many cute baby shoes his heart just about melted into a puddle. He decided to buy all of them, because he wasn't able to choose between them and there were only four pairs on offer anyway, so it didn't really matter, did it? His baby needed to wear shoes after all. Also, Harry would flip his shit (because Adidas just wasn't for him), and that always made for a good laugh. 

Louis needed a break after the first store, so they decided on an early lunch at a small, Italian place where Louis chugged a whole bottle of water in one go, which resulted in Harry having to support him to the toilet ten minutes later. 

They bought a pram at the second store since the assortment was better there. They had gotten so many nappies that they would probably last them for two months and also some creams and powders, stuff that Louis’ mum had written down for them weeks ago. Louis wasn't really sure what he was supposed to do with half of them, but he figured he and Harry would make it work. They also purchased bedding for the cot and a changing pad, two or three stuffed animals and loads of dummies. 

When they left two hours after lunch, Louis was proper exhausted. It was annoying and he felt like such a burden when Harry had to practically drag him to the car in the underground parking, which resulted in Zayn, Liam and Niall having to carry everything they had just bought. Of course, no one even mentioned it and deep down Louis knew they didn't mind at all. But the principle of the matter remained.

He hadn't much time to muse about it, though, since he fell straight asleep when Harry started the car and backed out of his parking space.

\- - -

A month later Louis had to admit to himself that he wasn't doing good. Not even a little good, really.

It had begun slowly, with him calming down much more, feeling less needy for activity and less ready to leave his bed. It ended with his appetite having nearly ceased, and, although he drank all of the fluids he was supposed to, him feeling constantly on the edge of drifting away, dizziness a constant companion. There were days he barely found the will to use the toilet, refusing his urges until he nearly peed his pants just because the thought of getting up brought him close to tears. 

Harry noticed it fast, of course, because it was hard not to. Where before Louis had complained on and on about how bored he was and how much he wanted to play a round of football in the garden, he now slept until way after midday and after waking up didn't do much more than staring at the TV or the walls, too tired out to even sit up properly. Some days, Harry had to practically force food down Louis’ throat, but to both their worry he had puked it right up more than once.

They had informed Dr. Morgan of every change in Louis’ behaviour and condition, or well, Harry had. The doctor had been over a few times since then, adamant that Louis wouldn't take on the struggle of coming to the clinic for check-ups and examinations.

There wasn't any real diagnosis, and Dr. Morgan declared it rather untypical for Louis’ well-being to take such a rapid downfall. His blood and urine testings came back all clear and lastly they stood right where they had begun at: Louis’s body was weak, too weak, and now apparently growing more and more fragile with every passing day.

Louis had barely been able to look Harry in the eyes since the doctor had uttered those words. He was a fucking disappointment, a failure, a good-for-nothing, useless pice of shit. His baby and Harry both deserved better, so much better. 

\- - -

On the Tuesday of Louis’ 33rd week, Dr. Morgan once again visited their home. Louis felt half-death lying atop his mountain of pillows and just the thought that he had to go an entire four more weeks until the birth of his Little One made him want to tear out his hair. He was at the end of his strength, he really was. He merely blinked his eyes as the doctor entered the room, his steps heavy and his smile warm as ever as he greeted Louis.

“How are you doing today, then?“ The doctor wanted to know.

Louis would’ve rolled his eyes if he’d found it in him. “Don’t know. Not all to well. I feel like — I feel like I’m going to break into pieces if I have to get up.“ 

It was that moment that Harry stepped through the open door, a tray with three mugs of tea and a plate of biscuits in his strong hands. Strong Harry. Why didn't Harry have this baby? He would do a much, much better job than Louis. He wouldn't feel like giving up constantly. He would pull through, he would make it right. 

Louis turned his eyes away in shame, even as Harry walked towards him. He set the tray on the night table and took a seat on the edge of the bed next to Louis, reaching for his hand carefully. As if Louis was actually made off glass. All of this made him sick.

“Harry, give me a bit of background info, please,“ Dr. Morgan asked as he knelt down to take several things out of his fancy doctor’s bag and got to work on measuring Louis’ blood pressure and pulse, checking his temperature.

Harry cleared his throat. His voice was a little wobbly and Louis felt a burning in his guts. “Well, Lou hasn't eaten anything in, like, twenty-four hours, I guess. I made him something light for lunch yesterday, just a bit of salad, but he puked it right up and wasn't able to get anything else down since. Otherwise, he seems just really weak. He doesn't want to talk much, I don't know. I’m so worried, isn't there anything we can do to help him and the baby?“ Harry’s voice sounded close to begging and it made Louis close his eyes in defeat. He didn't want to witness this, didn't want to be here. He didn't even care that Harry and Dr. Morgan were talking about him like he wasn't in the room, like he wasn't here and the source of every problem they were facing. As if he wasn't the fuck-up.

“We have a real issue here, lads,“ Dr. Morgan said eventually, not really acknowledging Harry’s question because it was one he had answered many times before: There wasn't a solution. “As I’ve said before, there isn't anything I can do to keep Louis strength up. I have some vitamin shots and I hope they will at least give you a little boost, but honestly, my hopes are not high.“ He paused, once again leaning down to rummage through his bag.

Harry used the moment to turn his entire body towards Louis. His eyes were red-rimmed and dark-circled, his complexion unnaturally pale. He raised his hand to caress Louis cheek, and there was some kind of promise in there. Some kind of _We’ll make it, Lou._ Louis didn't believe him for a second. 

Dr. Morgan emerged with a syringe and a crooked smile. “This will hurt for a second, but I guess you know the drill with the needles, yeah?“ 

Louis exhaled and it was really the only response he could bother to give. He didn't mind shots, it was just a short pain and usually, afterwards, he would feel better, so where was the problem, really?

It was over as quickly as Louis knew it would be. He still felt like shit and he knew that wouldn't change anytime soon. Not even Dr. Morgan had seemed convinced with his own course of action so Louis didn't get his hopes up.

“As for the lack of food, Louis,“ the doctor continued while he disposed of the syringe in a sterile and safe way, “I think I’ll have to set up an IV for you. Of course, all of this would be easier if I could just admit you to the clinic. I know you're not overly enthusiastic with this idea, though, and so, if you insist, we can also administer the IV’s right here. I’ll establish a vascular access and set everything up and Harry could just change out the bags whenever necessary. Whichever the both of you prefer, really. There isn't much you can do wrong with that.“ Dr. Morgan took the cup of tea Harry had brewed for him, awaiting Harry and Louis’ decision.

Louis didn't want to look at Harry, because he was all too sure what he would see in his eyes. The unmistakeable plead that Louis would go to the clinic and get treated there, the hope that everything would get better then. 

“I won’t go to the clinic,“ Louis mumbled, his arms crossing in front of his chest defensively. “I won’t spent the next month in a hospital bed, for fuck’s sake.“ He was unreasonable and he knew it, but he was a mess and he deserved to be cut some slack.

“Lou —“ Harry started, but Dr. Morgan interrupted him.

“Actually, it is rather unlikely that you’ll make it for a whole other month, Louis,“ he said, voice sympathetic. Louis heart stuttered in his chest and his head whipped so he could face the doctor.

“What do you mean?“ It were the words Louis wanted to say, but Harry beat him to it. The tension in the room was palpable. 

“What I mean,“ Dr. Morgan answered, placing his cup down, “is that if you try to carry the baby for another month, chances are one of you will not make it. Now, please try to stay calm while I try to explain, because although your situation is far from optimal, there is no reason to despair, okay?“

He waited for Harry’s shaky nod and Louis weak hum as a sign that they were listening.

Dr. Morgan took the plushy armchair from the corner of the room and pulled it closer to the bed, taking a seat and facing Louis and Harry a moment later. “Louis, we’ve already established that your body is overwhelmed with this pregnancy — that became obvious with the syncopes and even more so now with your rapidly draining energy. It will be clear to the both of you that you can’t keep this pregnancy up and yourself and the baby healthy if your body isn't able to even handle the food you're giving it. Of course, the IV is a pretty solid solution for now, but it won’t get you through another four weeks, like we originally planned. I therefore suggest to schedule the cesarean section for two weeks from now.“

There was a protest at the tip of Louis’ tongue, but he once again didn't get a chance to formulate words, because the doctor continued on.

“We are all aware that this would mean the baby is two weeks early. Obviously, a full-term pregnancy is always preferable, but to get this baby out into the world two weeks early to save both you, Louis, and your son the distress of fighting through the last few days is clearly the better option.“

“No. No, we can’t do that. He will be too early. He isn't — he isn’t done yet,“ Louis finally was able to get in, his voice high-pitched and panicky, his hands spreading over his tummy protectively.

“Louis, a baby two weeks early isn’t actually a serious situation, you know? The baby is ready to live with crossing the eight month, and from the last scans, your son was totally where we want him to be, growth-wise. Everything is already fully developed and ready for life out here. He would maybe have to spend a few days in an incubator, because the shock of being born could be a little more severe than normally, but even that isn't a certainty.“

They let the silence settle for a moment. Louis’ eyes were focused on his baby bump and every breath he took hurt his lungs. He hated this, all of this. It wasn't fair. He had tried so hard, had stayed in bed, had been calm and careful for weeks on end. He had just wanted to make everything as easy as possible on his baby and still, here they were, contemplating on getting him out early. Because Louis wasn't good enough at protecting him.

“If you — if you think that is our best shot, our best choice, we’ll do it,“ Harry said finally, accompanied by a heavy sigh.

Louis struggled instantly, trying to sit up. His eyes were fierce on Harry. “No! No, we can’t do that. He needs all the time in here,“ he resists vehemently, gesturing to his stomach. “I don’t care if I feel like crap for the next two years, but I won’t make him come into this world before he is ready.“ Tears were gathering in his eyes.

“Lou, love, please —“ Harry said, his hands coming up to steady Louis’ shaking shoulders and pressing him softly back into his pillows. Louis wanted to hit him a little.

“Louis, I’m not sure you entirely understand the severity of your condition. I don’t mean to pester you, but this pregnancy consumes you. You are vulnerable and fragile, you can barely even use the toilet without collapsing. I’m very afraid that if you keep this pregnancy up much longer, you’ll face the chance of a heart failure. To say it bluntly, you could die,“ Dr. Morgan explained, his manner still calm and collected. There was an edge to him, though.

“I don’t care. I don’t fucking care if I die. Rather I than my baby. Don’t you understand this? Can’t you understand this? I don't want him at any risk. I want him to be healthy and okay.“ 

Louis didn't feel how Harry got up off the bed, how he crossed the room, to angered by everything that got thrown on him now. The sound of the door slamming shut startled him, though, and when he turned his head Harry was gone. It was just Dr. Morgan and him.

“Louis, please listen to me. I told you that your baby will be more than fine even if born two weeks early. I can promise you that. But do you know what wouldn't be fine? If you carried him to term and died on the operation table, because the anaesthesia is too much for your body to take. We could save your baby, sure, but he wouldn't ever get to meet you. Is that what you want? Or, say you broke down from exhaustion and malnourishment, three weeks from now for example, right here in this bed. Who knows when Harry would notice that you stopped breathing next to him in the middle of the night? It would likely be too late to save either you or the baby. Does that sound like the better option to you?“

Louis blinked back the tears in his eyes. Of course, of fucking course, those options weren't really options. They were ultimatums for his life and — he didn't want an ultimatum. He wanted to live, he wanted his son to live. He wanted to be a family. Why had everything turned out like this?

“What if I came to the clinic? Stayed there for the next four weeks?“ He tried again, anyway.

Dr. Morgan pursed his mouth and sighed. “It wouldn't really help, Louis. Option One would still remain a danger. I know this isn't easy for you, it never is for expecting parents, but you need to trust me on this. I know what the best thing to do here is.“

It still took Louis another moment of stretched silence to make his decision, to consent and nod. “We’ll do it your way, then,“ he surrendered, tears of desperation and helplessness making their way down his cheeks. 

“I’m sorry that everything has to end on such a bad note, Louis. But this is the right choice and in merely two weeks you’ll have your baby boy safe and secure in your arms. Doesn't that sound nice?“

Louis bit his bottom lip and nodded again, because of course it sounded nice. 

Harry didn't return to the room and Louis didn't really expect him to, but his absence felt like a gaping hole blooming right in the middle of his ribcage when Dr. Morgan attached the IV like they had discussed before. Because if Louis had to give birth two weeks early, he would at least spent the rest of his pregnancy in his own four walls, in his own comfy bed and far, far away from the smell of a scrubbed-clean private clinic.

“I’ll go give Harry some instructions on the IVs. Hold tight, Louis, and I’ll see you soon for the next check-up, okay?“ Dr. Morgan said finally, snapping his bag shut and smoothing out his button-down. 

“Yes, all right. Thanks for coming by,“ Louis replied. He felt tired and he hated the feeling of the IV already, but there wasn't really much to do about any of it now.

His eyes fell shut in time with the door.

\- - -

Harry wasn't talking to him. Fucking great! Thing is, Louis couldn't even hold it against him. 

It still hurt, though, when Harry only entered the bedroom to change the IV bag or to bring Louis a fresh bottle of water or to help him to the loo. Louis had tried to start a conversation, he had tried to apologise, but Harry wouldn't have any of it. Instead, he shook his head, pressed his lips together into a tight line and turned his eyes away.

It sucked.

It was later, much later in the evening, when Louis couldn't take it anymore. Harry had come in half an hour earlier, grabbed his pillows and blanket from the bed, murmured a goodnight and vanished into the guest bedroom, if the slam of the door on the opposite side of the hallway was anything to go by. 

Louis felt like crying. He couldn't even pinpoint what exactly he had done to make Harry so mad. Like, he figured it was something he had said while Dr. Morgan was over in the afternoon, but what part of it had Harry so pissed off and angry now?

It didn't even matter, really, because Louis felt hollow inside and he couldn't stop tossing and turning in the bed and he needed Harry with him, near him. He wanted Harry’s arms around his middle, wanted to feel Harry’s easy breathing against the back of his neck, wanted to hear Harry’s peaceful snores that would occasionally disturb the tranquility of the night.

Maybe he was acting stupid and reckless, but that is who he was. He was a little careless and at times irresponsible, and maybe that was what had Harry ticked off that afternoon. But really, Louis had only tried to do what was best for their baby boy. Harry couldn't, shouldn’t, hold that against him.

Getting out of bed on his own was the most difficult thing he had done in ages. It took his breath away and he needed to sit on the edge for a handful of minutes to relax his heaving chest. He used the headboard to support himself and when he stood safely on both feet he began walking across the room. He held the IV bag safely in his hands, since he obviously couldn't just rip it out. 

Although the way across the hall wasn't all that long, Louis was exhausted when he eventually opened the door to the guest bedroom. It was much colder in here than it was in the rest of the house and the air smelled differently. The whole atmosphere was wrong, unfamiliar and uninviting. He took hold of the door frame with his free hand and exhaled shudderingly. 

“Lou? Louis, what the fuck are you _doing?_ “ Harry was half asleep in the bed, his words a little slurred, but within seconds he had gotten up and was across the room. His eyes, even in the darkness of the room, were fucking livid and for a moment Louis was scared that he had gone too far.

“I’m —“ He began, but speaking actually was too much, so he just shrugged his shoulders feebly.

Harry sighed, and then his hands were around Louis’ waist and neck and they were hugging. Harry was hugging him, with all his usual warmth and loveliness, comforting. 

“What do you think you're doing out of bed all on your own? You — do you need the toilet? You could've called me, you know that, right? Lou?“ Harry spoke up, taking a step back, but keeping his hands on Louis. It was much appreciated, because Louis wasn't really sure if he was able to stand on his own.

“I’m good. But I — I —“ Louis couldn't go on, his breathing growing more erratic. The sight before his eyes got fuzzier and he sagged a little more into Harry’s open arms. It was so hard to stay strong when his body was literally giving out underneath him.

“Fuck,“ Harry cursed quietly, biting his bottom lip. Then, he turned them around and walked Louis back to his bedroom. They proceeded slowly, steps small and weak. Most of Louis’ weight rested on Harry, but the boy didn't seem to mind. “Come on, come on, love. You can lay down in a second.“

When Louis’ head hit the pillows, his eyes closed automatically. 

“Please don't faint, Lou. Please don’t!“ Harry mumbled next to him, and there was a hand stroking over his sweaty forehead, swiping his hair back. 

“I won’t,“ Louis replied, and although his voice was frail, he managed to bring it out convincingly. He blinked his eyes open again, too.

Harry sat down at Louis side. “What were you doing, love?“ Louis noticed how hard Harry tried to sound calm, but there was a storm raging across his face.

“I’m sorry. But you — you wouldn't listen. You can’t ignore me, you can’t leave me. You said you wouldn’t. I —“ He swallowed. “If I’ve done something wrong, tell me. I’m sorry, Haz, I am.“

Instead of a reply, Harry leaned over Louis and kissed his cheeks, his nose, his forehead. It was almost better than any answer he could give right then.

“I was — you said,“ Harry started then anyway, not looking at Louis but instead staring out the window and into cold night. There weren't any stars in the sky, the only light coming from a streetlamp farther away. There wasn't anything so see, really. “If you ever again say that you don't care if you live or die, I don't know what I’ll do, Louis. You can’t say shit like that. How do you — how do you think I feel about this? I couldn’t, I _wouldn’t_ survive without you. I need you. I need you everyday for the rest of my life, and I need you healthy and happy and just as lovely and wonderful as you are. You can’t ever speak of leaving me so nonchalantly, as if it’s nothing. Because it is something. It’s my life, too. You are my life and I can’t do this without you.“ Harry’s face was tear-stained when he stopped speaking and the cold light from outside the window made him look like an awfully torn-apart masterpiece. Louis couldn't endure watching him.

“I’m sorry. I am, Harry. I don't _want_ to die —“ Louis began, his own throat clogged with tears.

“I know you don’t!“ Harry almost yelled in response. “And I won’t let you either. I won’t let our son kill you, do you understand? The both of you are going to be okay, more than that even. And I don't want to hear you say otherwise. You — you don't get to leave me, because we are destined to be here and together. You promised me a family and we’re almost there now and I won’t let anyone or anything take that from me. And I need you to know that. You don't get to say such stupid shit, you don’t! Because you and the Little One will be fine, and that is it.“

Louis sniffled and nodded. “Okay. Yeah, okay, you are right.“

“I am,“ was Harry’s answer, and then Louis was kissed again. It was possessive and rough, harder than Harry had kissed him in a while. Louis didn't mind it a bit, his hands coming up to circle Harry’s neck and tugging him closer. 

“Please stay here, sleep here,“ Louis panted out when Harry’s lips left his to mark up his neck. 

“Of course, yeah, of course I will,“ Harry whispered against Louis’ wet skin, nipping at it once more. 

It took them no time at all to attach the IV bag that had fallen between their bodies to it’s previous position again so that it could continue to pump Louis with liquid. Harry picked up his bedding from the other room and then they were snuggled up just like Louis had wanted to, with Harry close and his heath engulfing Louis. 

Just like it was meant to be.

\- - -

To Louis’ utter relieve the next two weeks passed without any precarious incidents. In his opinion that was worth a fucking lot. 

It wasn't like he felt any better or stronger, but since he got the daily IV’s he at least didn't grow any weaker and that was a win. Harry seemed to think so too, because he was more chipper again, almost his old self.

They were still alarmed every time Louis couldn't keep his food down and whenever Louis dozed off in the middle of a conversation or those days when Louis was too out of it to mumble even a few words. Their situation was one of up and downs, but whenever their son was kicking or squirming in Louis’ belly it gave the both of them new hope and strength. This all would be over soon, and then they’d have their tiny, beautiful son safely in their arms. What more could they ever wish for?

Louis was only disappointed that he couldn't enjoy this pregnancy like he should have. That he couldn't be waddling around the house, glowing in anticipation and excitement, that he didn't get to share his luck and happiness with other people besides those that were brave enough to enter his bedroom. 

His mum came over every day, sometimes with his siblings but also alone, and she was pretty great at reassuring him. It probably had something to do with how she had seven children on her own and pulled through every pregnancy with grace and optimism and love. Louis envied her quite a lot.

“Do you think I’ll ever get pregnant again?“ Louis asked her one afternoon, four days before the scheduled c-section. He wasn't nervous about it yet, perhaps because it hasn't quite sunken in that in four days, he was actually going to be a parent to a small, vulnerable, darling baby. 

“If that is what you want, boo, of course. Why wouldn't you?“ His mum said, stroking the back of his hand.

Louis shrugged lightly, biting his lip. “I don't know. Just, what if I can’t go through with this again? What if next time, I’ll only be weaker — if that is even possible. Or, what if — what if Harry won’t want to do all this again. I know how much of a burden I am, I know how much he hates to see me like this,“ Louis replied, pulling the blanket up to his chin with his free hand. The thoughts had been going around his mind for quite some time now.

“Honey, first of all, let’s concentrate on the Little One you have right here.“ She put her hand on Louis’ bump, eying it gently as she spoke. “Also, you shouldn't despair. Maybe there are things your doctor can do, you know, before a second pregnancy. To help your body out, strengthen you. Maybe it will be entirely different the next time around. How would we know now? The least of your worries should be Harry, honey. He would support you through anything; I know that, and you know that, too. And now quit with the heavy thinking.“

It didn't really stop him from thinking about it, but his mum’s words had at least lightened up his mind. He guessed he would come to all this in due time. His mum had a point at least — there was his son now, who should be his main priority.

\- - -

Two days before the planned birth, Harry stumbled into the bedroom, his hair a mess and his jumper sitting awkwardly on his body. He looked proper wild and Louis couldn't help but burst into loud laughter.

“What is wrong with you?“ He asked, hiccuping, while Harry strutted towards the bed, his nose crinkled up.

“A name, Louis. We haven't thought about a name,“ was all Harry got out as he collapsed onto the empty side of the bed dramatically with his face buried in the blankets. 

Louis reached out to pet the back of his head lovingly. “He will be a Styles, of course,“ he stated matter-of-factly. 

Harry snuffed into the pillows, before his head snapped up at once and he effectively pushed Louis’ hand away. Louis pouted in response. “What do you — a Styles? He will have my surname? Are you — is that — really?“ Harry asked, somehow appearing even more out of it than before, his mouth ajar.

Louis squinted at him. “Well, yeah, of course I’m sure. He was going to be a Styles ever since I told you about him. You are his daddy and you are my boyfriend and it’s just, it’s right. It’s his name.“

Harry looked properly stunned. “Wow, I wouldn't have — I didn't think about this. I didn't think you'd want this.“

“Do you even know me, Styles?“ Louis asked incredulously. 

Harry didn't reply for a while, probably too lost in his own chaotic mind. Louis let him be.

“That’s not what I meant, though,“ Harry started again, sometime later. Louis may or may not have taken a nap. “I meant, we — what are we going to call him?“

“Well,“ Louis drawled. He was in a good mood today, he felt great and he didn't puke up the cereal he had for breakfast. Everything was nice. “What do you have in mind?“

Harry blinked. “Like — a thousand names, probably? But I’m not convinced any of them is right for him. I want something — special.“

“Of course you do,“ Louis nodded, chuckling when Harry looked at him grumpily. “Tell me your favourite options, then.“

Harry furrowed his brows. “Like, Gabriel or Nathaniel? I don’t know, I just don't want it to be boring.“

Louis snorted. “Sorry,“ he said in response to Harry’s offended face. “But Nathaniel is a bit of a mouthful. It’s nice, but Nathaniel Styles? I don't feel it. But — I actually like Gabriel.“

Harry grinned at that. “Yeah?“

“Yeah.“

“All right, that’s a start I guess. So, what names did you think about?“

Louis pushed his limp fringe out of his eyes and avoided looking at Harry. “None, really, to be honest. I have zero ideas. I quite like the names Aaron or Sawyer or maybe River, even, but I don't know if I can actually image my baby boy with one of them.“

“I like them all,“ Harry said.

Louis rolled his eyes and chuckled in response. “Well, that is helpful, Haz. We’ll just name him Gabriel Aaron Sawyer River Styles, then.“

“Haha,“ Harry huffed out drily, with his head cocked contemplatively. “But, we should do two names, shouldn't we? And Gabriel could be one, and then one of yours. I think that could be nice.“

Louis hummed. “Sounds like a plan. But I don’t want to set this in stone just yet. Can we just — at the hospital, when we see him for the first time, I think that’s when we should decide.“

Harry nodded, a grin wide and bright on his face. “Sounds good, love,“ he agrees, before leaning over and kissing Louis on the lips.

\- - - 

Louis considered the 4th of December to be quite a nice date to be born. 

When Harry drove him to the clinic on Friday morning for his appointment at half past ten, Louis was proper excited. Not that he was able to show it, really, slumped as he was in the car seat, trying to get his breathing under control after Harry had to basically carry him down the stairs because he was too weak to stay on his own two feet. 

Still, it was the birthday of his baby, of his first son. It was the day he would finally get to meet his Little One and nothing could actually spoil his mood, not even his shitty excuse for a body that was supposedly made for carrying a baby. Louis had not forgiven it yet and he very likely never would.

“How are you feeling, Lou?“ Harry asked from the drivers seat. He was concentrating on the road but his fingers were beating an uneven beat on the steering wheel and it betrayed how agitated he really was.

“I’m good, Haz. Happy. I can’t wait to meet him,“ Louis said. His head was pressed to the car window, his eyes focused on the scattered snow flakes that made their way to the ground, but he looked to Harry when he answered.

Harry smiled, his dimples indenting his cheeks. Louis had a prime observing spot. “I can’t either. We’re going to be parents soon.“

“It’s pretty amazing.“ Louis smiled in return.

Dr. Morgan met them at the main entrance of the clinic, with a wheelchair and a nurse at the ready. Louis would like to claim that he indeed fussed about being pushed around like a granddad who couldn't work his legs anymore, but he was far too exhausted to actually do so. At least it was Harry handling the wheelchair, and Harry always made it as fun and as pleasant as possible for Louis. It was a reason to love him more, really.

It took way too long, in Louis’ opinion, to get over with the standard examinations. Dr. Morgan did another ultrasound and took of Louis’ measurements, all while he explained in detail how the cesarean section was going to work. 

It was quite simply, apparently. He would be brought to the operating room and be prepared there, then get the local anaesthesia before they would cut him open and shortly after …

Shortly after he and Harry would hopefully welcome a healthy little baby boy.

Of course, because Louis’ body couldn't give him a break even hours before crossing the finish line, Louis started to actually go into labour before everyone was ready for his surgery. Which, that wasn't all that good, apparently. It was as if his body knew something was up and just had to make it all a tad bit more difficult for everyone involved. Louis felt like laughing, but Dr. Morgan’s face was too serious so he only swallowed heavily.

Louis hadn't even realised he was in labour at first, because he didn't think it would happen and also, how would he know what the heck that felt like? It was Harry who noticed that something was wrong, his eyes turning concerned from one moment to the next as Louis sat innocently at the edge of his bed and ate some ice chips, because why not? It seemed like a thing with parents-to-be.

“Louis, what — did you just pee yourself?“ Harry had asked, quite unbelieving, looking into Louis’ lap without an ounce of shame.

“Um, no?“ Louis had denied, grinning confusedly before looking down too.

“Well, it looks like it, is all.“

They had pressed the nurse’ button just to be safe nothing was wrong, but before anyone could actually arrive in Louis’ room to give them any info, there was a cramp in Louis’ lower stomach that left him gasping for air and with tears in his eyes, nearly tipping over. The cup of ice chips tumbled to the ground. Harry had been by his side in a heartbeat, grasping his hands and helping him lay down, while all Louis’ could do was try to catch his breath.

When Dr. Morgan entered the room and took in the situation, he was rushing to do a check-up that, to Louis’ utter dislike, included an internal exam that left his face burning in embarrassment. “So, it looks like your body decided to go into labour now, which isn't quite ideal. But at least you're here and ready for surgery, so we’ll just have to move a little quicker. I’ll call the team and we’ll get your baby out within the hour, okay? Whatever you do, don’t try to push or press down in any way, because that could lead to you harming your body severely. Just stay calm and breathe through the pain, Louis. I’ll be back soon.“

And that had been that. 

Louis began to hate everything around him with a burning passion in a matter of that hour they spent waiting. 

He began throwing glares and sarcastic, biting remarks at anyone that dared to come close to him, because this shit fucking hurt! Everything hurt. There was this pulling in his stomach that came and went every seven to eight minutes and it made him feel like throwing up. Not even his mum, who had arrived shortly after them for support, could calm him down as he hurled abuse at Harry. 

“You did this to me, you fucking bastard. I hate you, I _hate_ you. Why did this have to happen, for fuck’s sake,“ quickly became one of his favourite lines to scream.

Harry, angel that he was, just gave him some space and brought him more ice chips.

Going through labour, even if it was only for that one hour for Louis, was the fucking worst thing he ever had to undergo. He was pretty glad, really, that men couldn't give birth like women could, because it saved him a hell of a whole lot of pain. It was the only bright spot in this bleak mess of agony he was enduring.

Five minutes after one o’ clock in the afternoon, two nursed came around to roll Louis’ bed to the OR. One of Louis’ contractions had just ended and he was left with a sob in the back of his throat and burning eyes. His mum kissed his cheeks and stroked his hair in the loving way only she could do, wishing him the best of luck and telling him she’d see him and her grand baby soon. She was grinning so brightly it made Louis’ give a small smile in return. Still, he couldn't manage more than to nod at her. 

Then, Harry was by his side, reaching for his hand as they crossed through long hospital hallways, Louis lying in his bed and Harry walking next to him every step of the way.

\- - -

Afterwards, Louis couldn’t remember all that much of what happened in the OR. Not because he was out of it (because the anaesthesia was limited to his lower body), but because there was so much going on at once and it had made him fuzzy trying to follow. 

He recalled how he focused on Harry all along, because Harry was the only point of calm and peace in this whirling mess of doctors, nurses and all the medical terms they were shouting around.

That had been until — until a feeble cry, high-pitched and scratchy and so incredibly beautiful to Louis’ ears, resounded and made everyone quiet down for a minute.

“Congrats, boys! You have a healthy son; ten finger and ten toes, and even a bit of hair already. Comes after daddy, I suppose,“ Dr. Morgan had said, voice so familiar and welcome to Louis now, as he walked around the small screen that was preventing Louis’ from seeing anything that was going on behind.

In his arms, wrapped haphazardly into a blanket, was the tiny head and a single fist of Louis’ baby. It was the most breathtaking thing Louis had ever experienced. He hadn't even realised he was crying full-on until his sight grew so blurry he couldn't make out anything but a mess of green OR gowns and, in between, a yellow blanket.

He had wanted to reach out, but his arms had felt like lead. Dr. Morgan leaned down, though, placing the little bundle on Louis’ chest cautiously. And while Louis couldn't muster up the energy to hold onto him, Harry’s hands were there, circling the yellow blanket and keeping the squirming little baby inside in place carefully. 

Neither of them were ready to say anything, to transfixed by the little miracle lying on Louis. Their little miracle …

All too soon, their son was taken away again, and although Louis knew it was a necessity for him to be washed and warmed up and measured and checked through, he still didn't want to part. It was only for a while, though, he knew that.

And now — now here he was, in his room, with Harry settled on the bed next to him and his baby safely in his arms once again. Louis himself was sitting up in an awkward angle, more lying, really, because he couldn't strain the fresh wound on his stomach. It was okay either way, because as long as he could hold his tiny little son, dressed in a onesie that was way to big, with socks that were threatening to fall of, everything was all right.

“Look at his hair,“ Louis whispered into the silence of the room. The light was dim, the sky outside turning dark already, the snow heavier than before. Louis was so happy he felt like floating. “I bet you he’ll have curls.“

Harry chuckled lowly. “Maybe. He will be the most handsome boy around in any case, so who cares about the hair?“

Louis sniffed, mock-offended. “I do. Don’t you remember how you seduced me with your curls? It’s a pretty good feature, let me tell you.“ He paused, lost in his mind for a second. “But you're right. He would be perfect either way.“

“Oh Lou,“ Harry murmured, leaning closer towards him. “Thank you so much. For everything, for all you did, for our son. I — I just love you so much.“

Louis looked up then, managing to disentangle his gaze from his baby boy for long enough to reply: “I love you, too, Harry. Always have and always will. Please don't break my heart again.“

“I promise I won’t.“

Louis nodded, swallowed heavily. A little whimper distracted him and he was quick to adjust his grip on his son, freeing one hand so he was able to stroke one chubby cheek in a calming manner. “Don’t fuss, Little One, papa and daddy are right here and we won’t leave. My love.“

When Louis raised his eyes to look at Harry again his heart felt like tumbling out of his chest. Harry’s attention was fixated on their son, his eyes so soft and glassy and so full of adoration that Louis felt like nothing would ever again compare to this. Harry would never be more magnificent, more flawless than in this second. Louis hoped he'd never forget this.

“What do you think, then? About the name?“ Harry asked later, and it might have been minutes or hours. Louis knew that his whole family had arrived, and Harry’s too, and the boys, of course. And he wanted to see all of them, but he also wanted just a moment more of this. He wanted to enjoy the real and true beginning of his family, of their future.

“Aaron Gabriel Styles,“ Louis answered, biting his lip and locking eyes with Harry. It sounded right to Louis. He had thought about it for hours, felt sure about this. But Harry’s opinion was everything.

“That sounds pretty perfect to me, boo,“ Harry responded after a heartbeat, his expression serene. “Aaron Gabriel Styles.“

“So, we’re sure about this?“ Louis hummed, eyes back on his baby. 

“Very sure,“ Harry responded.

“All right. Time to face the family now that we have a name for you, my darling, isn't it? Need to show you off a little. Everyone we love is here and they will love you just as much as we do. Or, almost as much. Hope you’re ready my boy, because those guys are a handful.“

Harry cackled, louder than he probably intended to. “He’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.“

Louis nodded, lips stretched around his wide smile. “Of course we will be.“

Harry slid forward to press a kiss to Louis’ lips and to Aaron’s crinkly forehead, before getting up to open the door.

Louis was _so fucking happy!_

\- - -


	18. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the last one, everyone!
> 
> I can't believe this story is over now - it was a joy to write! 
> 
> I'm sorry this chapter is so delayed, I was caught up in ski holidays and uni exams and whatnot. Also, it is shorter than the others, but I hope you won't mind that. Generally, I just hope you won't be disappointed with the end, because an ending after such a long story is really hard to find and write, not going to lie.
> 
> Anyway, for one last time I want to thank everyone who ever commented or gave kudos on this work, because you guys encouraged me so much and you made me so happy - I can't believe how many people were actually reading this story, it means a lot to me! So, thank you, thank you, really!
> 
> Without further ado now, enjoy the end, please!
> 
> Love,  
> Julia x

The first week at home with a newborn is something you can’t really prepare yourself for, Louis figured sluggishly as he blinked his eyes open to wailing screams coming from the baby-phone. He had talked to his mum and Anne about it previously, of course, and he read up on it in his pregnancy-parenthood-advice-books, but none of this made getting up at four-thirty in the morning any easier. 

He sighed and scrunched up his nose, before shuffling out of bed carefully, trying to not wake up Harry who, for once, didn't startle from the crying. It was quite possible that Harry got up twice as often as Louis did during the nights and it’s really not fair — Louis wanted to do his share. But sometimes it was just so hard to leave his warm, fluffy bed to brave the wintery cold that lingered in the dark rooms.

Louis felt an unpleasant pinching in his stomach as he walked out of the bedroom, the wound from the c-section healed, but still a bit sore when he moved the wrong way. The pain was forgotten , though, when he entered the nursery and stepped up to the cot, his eyes landing on his squirming son, small and red-faced and with balled fists, as if he had to fight the evil of the whole world on his own. It was the most precious sight.

“Hey, little love, hey. What’s gotten you in such a mood, huh?“ He asked as he reached into the cot to gather Aaron into his arms, almost anxiously holding the head steady and close to his own body. Aaron was such a fragile thing, even more so because he was born a bit premature, and Louis spent most of his waking moments afraid that he might break him. 

Aaron grew considerably quieter with his screams as Louis began to rock him rhythmically. He began to hum the darling nursery rhyme that was featured in the newest Cinderella movie and that had been stuck in his head ever since he had almost been forced to watch the movie a day ago with Daisy and Phoebe. His mum had insisted on taking care of Aaron for the afternoon of the day so that he and Harry could catch a break. While Harry had been asleep on Jay’s sofa in a matter of minutes, Louis had actually managed to stay awake for the entirety of the movie. 

“Lavender’s green, dilly dilly, lavender’s blue, if you love me, dilly dilly, I will love you,“ he sang quietly, his voice still a little sleep-rough. Aaron dissolved into sniffles, his body shaking as he was looking up at Louis with large, teary, blue-green eyes. It was likely that the colour would change, and either result in a more blue or more green tone, but Louis more than hoped that it would stay just like this. The colour was unique, the best of him and Harry mixed together. He didn't really want it to become any different. 

When he finished the song on a low note, Aaron had fallen entirely silent, his mouth slack and his fingers relaxed by his chest. “Well then, are you hungry, Little One? You don't smell like you need a nappy change, so it must be, mustn't it? Otherwise you wouldn't make such an awful fuss, would you?“ 

Even though Aaron of course didn't understand a word of what Louis was saying, the gurgling sound he made seemed to Louis as if his son agreed on a bottle of milk formula. Harry had prepared a few bottles before they had gone to bed the evening before and so it took Louis not all too long to heat one up and get comfortable in an armchair in the living room to feed Aaron. 

“This is yummy, I know. Daddy is the best cook, isn't he, even if he just mixes together some powder and water,“ Louis mumbled while Aaron greedily sucked on the baby bottle, his eyes now closed, faint dimples in his cheeks. His hands were half up in the air, as if he wanted to grab or hold onto the bottle himself. Louis knew he was too young to actually do so, but he read that the reflex would be there early on and always posed a good sign. “You are such a perfect baby. I love you so, so much.“ 

With the warm body of his son safe in his arms and close to his heart, Louis couldn't be any happier.

It was after five o’clock when Louis finally fell back into bed beside Harry. Although Aaron was, most often at least, easy to calm down and didn't make much ado about being fed or nappy-changed, he always took his sweet time to burp. One couldn't have everything, Louis supposed, feeling bone-tired after walking up and down the nursery for a good 20 minutes, patting Aaron’s back gingerly until the baby spit up on the cloth that lay across Louis left shoulder.

“Lou,“ Harry whispered next to him, voice dull and slower than usual. “Okay?“

Louis couldn't help the fond smile that passed over his lips. Harry’s confused night talking was one of his favourite things about him. “Yes, everything is okay. Aaron is asleep and so should we be, before he wakes up again in an hour to get his nappy changed.“

Harry chuckled tiredly, his hands stretching towards Louis. It didn't take long for them to arrange in a spooning position, Harry’s presence warm and solid behind Louis’ back, his hand resting low and possessively on Louis’ stomach.

“Love you.“

Louis wanted to respond, but a yawn interrupted his beginning words and then he was whisked away to sleep once more.

\- - -

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,“ Harry said in the morning, his body facing Louis’, their eyes meeting lazily in between the pillows and blankets. Cool, wintery sunlight was streaming in through the windows, leaving the room dimly lit. 

They were able to still enjoy time in bed, to both of their surprises, because Aaron hadn't woken up yet despite it being after nine o’clock. Not that either of them was complaining. Louis loved serene mornings in bed with Harry, easy talking and slow, sweet kisses.

“I know. You mentioned before,“ Louis mumbled in response, grinning crookedly and pushing his fringe out of his eyes. He felt exhausted even after almost four hours of uninterrupted sleep. He didn't cherish sleep enough when he still could catch it whenever, really. 

“Well, then marry me. I want it to be real and official and for everyone to know and see. Let’s get married, Lou,“ Harry continued, unbothered, smile fresh and bright and actually too blinding for this early in the day — and what?

Louis can’t say he expected those words in particular to leave Harry’s mouth. Not this morning, and not any time soon, and certainly not without some kind of warning. His heart skipped a beat as he made to sit up, properly shocked, only to be pulled right back down by Harry, their faces as close as before. 

“I — what?“ Louis asked, afraid he might have misheard.

“Marry me, Louis,“ Harry repeated, his eyes glimmering with sincerity and something else, something deeper. His voice was calm, as if he was just asking Louis if he wanted a cuppa as well, and not this, _this question._

Louis gaped at him. “Is this — is this your fucking way of _proposing_ to me? Are you serious right now? You can’t be serious! How can — You don't even have a ring —“ Louis’ protested, stunned and at a loss for words, really. His voice cut off when Harry got out of bed abruptly and walked out of the room. 

Louis was left flabbergasted. His eyes must be comically wide, he figured, because that would be the only appropriate look for them right now. Where the hell was Harry going? Was he — Was he offended by Louis’ reaction? Was he hurt? Did he think that Louis didn't want to marry him? Because, honestly, that wasn't it at all, not in the least. 

Before Louis could jump to conclusions and out of bed to run after Harry, apologies already forming at the tip of his tongue, the boy returned to the room. His curls were wild as always in the morning, tousled. His sleeping pants were hanging low on his hips, his upper body was bare, all tattoos on display. He was holding a little, dark grey box in his hands.

This time, Louis actually sat up, his hands pressed to his mouth to hold back a breathless gasp. He was certain he looked like the typical movie girl, getting all excited and teary and unbelieving at the sight of her boyfriend kneeling down in front of her. Kneeling down in front of her just like Harry was now, his body straight and his eyes set on Louis, who was still swaddled up in blankets. 

This was too cliched, even for them. 

“Harry, what are you doi—?“ 

Harry shushed him with a finger to the lips, then lowered his gaze to the floor. “Louis. Lou. Please let me talk, okay? Actually, I — I don't know where to begin.“ Suddenly, Harry seemed a good deal more nervous than he did three minutes ago when he was asking Louis in between the covers. “I’ve had this silly speech in mind for months, honestly, but right now I don't remember where I wanted to start. I didn't even want it to be this way, I had everything planned out — I wanted to cook, your mum would've taken care of Aaron for the evening. I wanted it to be romantic, candles and flowers and everything, but somehow I couldn't hold on and wait, could I?“ Harry raised his eyes from the floor to meet Louis’, finally, a self-depreciating smile lingering on his lips. Louis could see how heavily he swallowed. “Just — you're so beautiful in the morning, Lou, so perfect. And when you smile at me, and laugh, and when you kiss me — I’m so gone for you. I feel like I’ve confessed my love to you a million times in the last months, or years, even, but I don't think it'll ever be enough, you know? Because you deserve to be told how much you are loved and adored and needed — every day, twice every day, really. So, I’m doing this right now, I won’t even wait another day, because you have to know. You are the love of my life, you are the _one_ for me. You have given me everything that I have ever wanted and way more than I have ever deserved and I’m so — I’m just so grateful, thankful. To be with you, to fall asleep next to you, to wake up next to you — all this, it’s the best thing in the world. And you have given me Aaron, after everything I did and after how I hurt you, you still gave me another chance and you gave me my wonderful son and — I don't know how I could ever return all that you have given me, how my love for you could ever be enough, but I just — I hope it is and I hope that you want me, too, need me, too. I want to be with you from here on out and — I want to marry you. Please, I just — do — do you want to marry me too?“ 

Harry ended on a shuddery exhale, eyes glassy, and Louis’ felt his heart plummet out of his chest. There was a storm was roaring inside of him, waves crashing and breaking in his guts, and the wind was howling Harry’s name. This was too much. Tears were clouding his vision as he crawled from underneath the blankets and closer to the edge of the bed, close enough that he could hear Harry’s choppy breathing and see the goosebumps that were covering his arms. 

Harry was looking up at him full of hope, but so unsure at the same time. Louis couldn't understand where he would ever get this unsureness from. Louis had been a done deal for him from day one, as pathetic as that may sound — through the good and the bad, Louis had always been irrevocably Harry’s.

The little box was popped open now, and in it lay a simple silver ring — delicate and slim, without any bold embellishments. Louis wanted it on his finger instantly.

“Of course, you freakishly stupid person. Of course I’ll marry you. I would marry you right here, right now, half-naked and with greasy hair and all. You could've proposed to me in the bathroom, I wouldn't have cared. I — I want to. I want you for the rest of my life, too.“ And with that, he presented his shaking hand. His sight grew blurrier in front of his eyes, the tears now running down his face, too. 

Of course, Harry being Harry, fumbled to get the ring out of the box and then also managed to drop it. Louis couldn't help chuckling wetly at the solemn curses that were emitted from the floor as Harry leaned closer down to pick it up again. 

“Shut up, Lou,“ Harry grumbled as he was righting himself in front of Louis again. There was a small furrow between his eyebrows, but the beaming smile on his lips betrayed his sulky demeanour. 

“That’s no way to speak to your fiancé,“ Louis replied haughtily, but he felt properly shut up when Harry finally slid the cool metal band on his finger. It fit like it was made for him, sitting snuggly but not in an uncomfortable way and looking perfect. Knowing Harry, it probably was custom-made. 

There was a heavy silence settling in the room as they were staring at each other, wide-eyed and still breathless from the happenings of the last minutes, unbelieving on the turn this morning just took. Then, they stared at the ring on Louis’ finger, creepily in sync. They admired how it looked just right on Louis, how the exquisite slim design made his hand seem more slender, more nimble. Harry’s fingers traced the band with careful strokes and the moment felt almost too intimate for Louis to bear. He wiped away the tears that were still hindering his view, the smile on his lips feeling as if it was going to split his face.

“How about you show me how to treat my fiancé?“ Harry asked eventually into the stillness, way too delayed for it to be witty or clever in any way — not that it would have been in the first place. Louis didn't hesitate, though, surging forward to throw his arms around Harry’s neck and proceeding to pull him onto the bed to kiss him until their lips were chapped, or until Aaron would wake up, which would likely happen sooner.

\- - -

They didn't tell their families and friends about the engagement — a word that still sounded foreign to Louis himself — until Christmas, when they kinda found out themselves. They had decided at the beginning of December already to spent the holidays together at Louis and Harry’s house, the Tomlinson’s and Styles’ all united for the first Christmas of baby Aaron and Louis’ birthday as well.

Obviously, Anne and Jay were gushing the moment they spotted the silver ring on Louis’ fingers when they entered the living room on Christmas Eve, where Louis was sitting with Aaron in his arms, rocking him to sleep.

“It’s so beautiful,“ Jay complimented, as teary eyed as Louis’ had been when he had first seen it.

“It’s about time,“ Anne said, almost exasperatedly, biting her lip on a smile as she stroked Aaron’s soft forehead lovingly. “The two of you should've gotten married about three years ago, in my opinion. But better late than never, I guess.“ 

Louis laughed and couldn't help but secretly agree. Truth was, though, that three years ago they barely had any freedom in their relationship — there were some pretty dark months when management barely allowed them to be in the same city and all the sneaking and hiding had been extremely distressing. A secret wedding wasn't what they had wanted. No, when they planned on speaking their vows and promising to always love each other, they wanted it to be real and true and not in the fear of their wedding certificate being detected, them outed to the world against their will and judged for it. They wanted a wedding for themselves, a wedding to look back to and be proud of.

They were both sure that they could have this now.

\- - -

Louis’ birthday dinner was lavish and delicious, as Jay, Anne and Harry had worked on it together for hours in the kitchen, while the rest of the two families was gathered in the living room, chatting and watching Christmas movies and taking turns in cradling Aaron. 

Although they had to cuddle up on the sofas and armchairs to fit, it was nice. Louis and Harry’s house wasn't small, but it certainly wasn't made for fourteen people either. It made it all the more cosy, though, and after the littler children where put to sleep in the guest room and Aaron in his nursery, the grown-ups had a nice time in front of the fireplace with hot cocoa and Christmas cookies, swapping stories and catching up on all things that got neglected a bit with Aaron coming into the world. 

It was easily one of the nicest birthdays Louis’ has had in his life, simple family time, cute and thoughtful presents, nice food and drink. But most importantly, Harry and Aaron were with him. Everything was so effortlessly loving with them and Louis wanted it to stay this way forever and always.

\- - -

Later, after Louis’ family had gone back to their place because there simply wasn't the space for both their families to stay the night, Harry and Louis were standing above Aaron’s cot, looking down at their peacefully sleeping son with intertwined hands and not quite ready to go just yet.

“I sometimes still can’t believe he is here with us now,“ Harry whispered barely audibly, so careful to not stir their little boy. 

“I know what you mean,“ Louis agreed, just as quietly, nodding along to his words. “And he is so perfect, isn't he? He is wonderful and so pretty and — I’m so happy, Harry.“ With those last words, he teared his eyes away from Aaron to instead stare up at Harry. 

“Me too, Lou, me too,“ Harry replied, turning his head slightly downward, his eyes wide and unreadable in the gloomy room. They had forgone the lights, only the moon illuminating bits and pieces through the windows. “And I want the whole world to know. Everyone, you know. That I am with you, have been with you all along, that we are going to get married.“ At that point he lifted Louis’ hand and began kissing his fingers until he happened upon the ring. His breath was hot on Louis’ skin. “And I want them to know about our family, about our baby. I want them to know that you and Aaron are the most important people in the world for me, that you are and always will be my absolute favourites, no matter what happens. I think it’s time that everyone knew, don't you? I want there to be the truth, only the truth, no more lies.“

Louis exhaled slowly at those words. Because, although he was out to the world, had been out for months now, what Harry suggested was so much more. Harry coming out, Harry and Louis admitting to their relationship — it would have so much more impact. And that was without even taking Aaron into account. 

But what Louis said out loud in the end is: “We can do whatever you want. I will support you, I will support us.“ And he meant it. “No more secrets, no more hiding. When we get married, I want it to be just like we want, I want it to be beautifully uncomplicated, the best day of our lives. Without the need to worry that the story might break, or any backlash might reach us. And I want to be able to leave the house with Aaron, to push him around in a pram or go play with him on a playground, later on, you know, without fearing anything. I want freedom.“

Harry pressed a quick, dry kiss to Louis’ forehead in response. “That sounds like everything I could ever want, too.“

“Well, I’m glad,“ Louis smiled. “How do you want to go about it?“ 

If the light were any better, Louis was sure he would be able to make out a mischievous glimmer in Harry’s eyes. Though now he could only guess that it was there. His voice certainly alluded to it. “How about a simple Instagram picture? A nice caption? Wouldn't need much words, you know. And then we’ll deal with the details later, can maybe do an interview if we feel like it, with someone we like and trust. It doesn't need to be bigger and grander than the world will make it anyway.“ 

It was a good idea, in Louis’ opinion. A picture was still the easiest way to convey a message, but powerful, too. “What kind of picture were you thinking about? Do we have a good one of the three of us?“

Harry shrugged. “I’m sure there are plenty, but they are ours. Let’s just ask Gemma or Lottie to take one in front of the Christmas tree and the presents and all tomorrow. You’ll hold Aaron and I’ll kiss your cheek or something. Simple, but effective.“ 

Louis chuckled, but abruptly bit his tongue when Aaron began to squirm in his sleep, his little hands uselessly grabbing air. He didn't wake up, but the actions were so endearing. If Harry’s quiet cooing sounds were anything to go by, he wasn't any less fond.

In bed, Louis tried to think about the consequences their plan could bring. Louis was free of everything One Direction related, didn't have anymore contracts to follow and was out to the world already. It was different for Harry, though. He was sure there were lots of penalties the team could come up with, some mighty high fines included. Maybe a lawsuit, too, but Louis was confident that they wouldn't actually get a case on the premise that Harry had a right to be honest about his child.

It was worth it, Louis figured eventually, his eyes blinking shut. Being true to themselves, that was and always would be worth it.

\- - -

They posted the picture on the later afternoon of Christmas Day on both their Instagram accounts. They had taken a similar pose to the one that Harry had suggested the evening before, huddled together next to the tree, surrounded by dozens of presents and illuminated by the warm glow that was emitted by the fireplace. 

Louis was smiling so bright his eyes were crinkling at the edges. His grip on Aaron was tight and secure, not a centimetre of space between their bodies. The silver ring on Louis’ finger was, upon closer inspection, visible against the dark green of Aaron’s onesie. The little boy’s face was partly covered by a too-large knitted hat that Jay had made for him and his left hand was tightly curled around one of Harry’s pinky fingers. Harry’s free arm was wound around Louis’ shoulder, pulling him close, and his face was smushed against Louis’ cheek, eyes closed, dimples popping. 

It was a heartwarming picture, capturing the spirit of Christmas and love and everything that entailed.

_Aaron Gabriel Styles - 4/12/15 - Best early Christmas present anyone could ever wish for!_

In the end, it was simple as that.

\- - -


End file.
